Catherynne M. Valente posts
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ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Pumpkin Pie Cream Puffs
They might look messy, but they're fabulous.Awhile ago Bastian asked if I knew how to make cream puffs, and I said sure do, super easy, though it looks gross almost the whole time you're making it.Obviously, being 7, they wanted to get in on that.But I can't just make a plain thing, can ...
The Glorious Conclusion of the Wild Ride of the Puppy Express
After the straight-up saga of Velveteen's incredible journey east, I thought you might like the happy ending. In case you don't follow me on BlueSky where I've been uncontrollably...oh god, am I about to use the word "squeeing" for the first time in years? I suppose I am. Uncontr...
Bonus Denizen for All: My Coat of Many Colors That My Mama Made For Me
I’m just so proud of this I want everyone to see it!Also it took almost a year of assembling patches from various sources.And then just...a REALLY long time hand-stitching every single patch because, as it turns out, "iron-on" is apparently just a total lie it's perfectly okay to tell....
Tiny Adds Up: Unshittification and The Pawshank Redemption
Hello, this is a free and open post because oh my god what a month this has been!If you follow me on BlueSky, you may have seen what's been happening over the last five or six days...and now that it's really, actually happening, I want to tell you all about it in greater than 300 characters....
The Time-Traveling Decorator: Musings on the End of Summer--And Many Other Endings
Warning: I'm about to get REAL contemplative about home DIY and design. This started out as the post for the RAM tier, but got longer and longer and more and more thoughtful and about other things, so it's become the essay for the month, though a little more personal and meandering than usua...
In Which Many People Tell Me How Much They Look Forward to My Death
So.There's a reason I try to keep my political writing away from Patreon unless one of you really wants to read it.I want this place to be cozy. I want us to talk about art and love and life and good things that still shine in the dark. I value so deeply that the way this little community treats...
No One's Watching the Watchmen
Note: This essay is not the regular monthly essay, but cross-posted from my Substack, where I keep all my uncozy rageful political thoughts. My policy has always been to cross-post any paywalled posts there, here if requested by a paying member. Thus...voila.******While I was writing about the beaut...
Oh the Places You’ll Go: On Meeting a Hero and Definitely Crying
I lied.I've made the joke about meeting Stephen King several times over the last two weeks. I very nearly almost didn't cry.And I did try. I was oh-so-valiant. I told myself: don't you fucking cry in front of all these New England mens and horror fans, Cat, don't you do it.But I lied...
ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Shockingly Dairy-Free Orange Cream Tart Studded with Pecans and Pistachio Dust
Just want to say up top: do not go near this thing if you have a nut allergy. You WILL die.(You could make a regular short crust pastry shell and top it with fruit or granola or a glaze or a brulee-style sugar crust and not die, though.)So I got a massive bag of oranges I didn’t order in my grocer...
Bonus Post: The Valente Family Singers
THE BOOK IS DONE.My god, it’s been hanging over me so long I hardly know what to do now that Nobody But Us is with my editor. Thank you everyone for being patient while I focused on it, LIFE CAN BEGIN ANEW NOW.I am on my way to Bangor for the launch of The End of the World As We Know It, the new s...
God Loves Mutants: On Fast Horses, Slow Monkeys, and the Volcanic Tomorrow
I was reading about horses the other day.It’s what we do, from time to time, we who in some small part never outgrow a terrifyingly single-minded love of horses, imagining infinite adventures that involve forming a deep soul-bond with black stallions and white unicorns, doodling flowing manes at g...
ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Grandpa’s Garbage Snack
Do you hate yourself? I KNOW I DO!Do you ever wake up, look at yourself, and wonder what you’ve become?BOY HOWDY!
Hello from the Other Side
I am alive!Is the book done? No. About ten chapters left, because, as the Denizen and up tiers know from the photos, everything that could go hilariously wrong last week, from a massive heat dome in New England to my ceiling flooding and falling through, did indeed happen, plus more outlandish rubbi...
ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Cold Sesame-Peanut Noodles
It’s too hot.Too much work to do.But the body must eat. IT'S A CONUNDRUM. I've always loved cold sesame noodles, which are always also cold peanut noodles, but people only ever say one or the other because I have no idea. But they've never been quiiiite right at home--til now. I was mi...
Admin Post: Novel Deadline
Hey everyone!Just wanted to let you all know I appear to actually be near to finishing Nobody But Us, the weird-ass gender dystopia novel I've been posting bit by bit on the excerpt tier (click the NOBUS tag!) for what feels like a hundred thousand years.I'm not disappearing! But I will be a...
A Tale of Two Gritties: Miracles, Survival, and Hope in "Serious" Stories
Like many others, I watched the second and final season of Andor over the last month, a show I love more than is totally socially acceptable to express.This isn't a review of Andor, though, and this essay isn't about whether Andor is good or very, very good. The second season wasn't perf...
Essay: The Monoculture of the Rewarded Asshole
Welcome back to your nuclear hellscape of infinite human torment already in progress! What a fucking beautiful day in the goddamned cursed-ass neighborhood of slowly-deflating dreams, in which the very concept of hope is being pilloried daily in every town square. King Friday just sent a kindergartn...
Bonus Denizen: Susan from Contracts
BONUS DENIZEN FOR ALL THIS MONTH. Because it was TOO MUCH to not share.And I did it this way on purpose.So there would be a reveal. You know, like on Drag Race, only instead of revealing something even more glamorous, we’re going to reveal LITERALLY A CRIME AGAINST DECENCY AND CHILDHOOD.My dad bro...
Denizen of the Month: The Tiniest Martian’s First Real Convention
Now, Bastian has been to many conventions before. Somewhere near 20, I think. But they were a baby, or at Worldcon and thus in the childcare suite, so they never could really participate or comprehend what exactly was going on.NO LONGER.What you see in the first pic is my kitten signing their first ...
ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Pistachio Pie!
The innocent mind of a child keeps coming up with genuinely great baking ideas, I don’t know what to tell you.Do they eat the baked goods I design from their specifications? Ehhhhhh sometimes. BUT I SURE DO.This one certainly came from the Childe realizing I'm KIND OF INTO pistachios; apart fr...
NorWesCon Schedule!
Many times at conventions, people have asked me to post my con schedule on Patreon so it's easy to know where to find me, and I ALWAYS say "Oh that's such a good idea, I totally will next time!"And then I fully ADHD that into the sun and forget next time.BUT HUMANS CAN GROW. I AM DOI...
Patreon On Some Nonsense Again
WELP.In addition to literally everything being on fire on every level, Patreon has chosen to not delay their marvelous billing changes and plow on ahead with them as of this month.Many changes took effect at Patreon today, with more to come in November--pretty much all devastating to creators' i...
ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Strawberry Lemonade Mini-Muffins!
Continuing the 6-year old’s journey through Baked Goods vis The Great British Bake-Off, I bring to you another Bastian Original.They asked if we could spend the afternoon watching "a whole Eurovision, not like some songs but a whole one start to finish" and making "strawberry lemonade&...
Denizen of the Month: THE GRAND DESK/WORD ORGAN KNOWN AS KRAKATOA
I am so excited to show this to you all I can barely stand it. (Unlike most denizens, I am posting this to everyone who gets the experiment, and also, since it's my work desk, this won't be just our secret forever, I'll show the world soon enough, but for now...)Before I get into it: yes...
Move Fast and Break People Part 2: Everyone's Third Place
Cross-posted from the Uncozy Substack. As the Laboratory is always my priority, anything paywalled there will be cross-posted here if a patron directly requests. I prefer to keep this place cozy, but don't want anyone to not get their money's worth.***Good afternoon, this is your very stress...
ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Guava-Marzipan Tartlets Topped with Lemon Chantilly Cream & Poached Pear in Red Wine Sauce plus BONUS RECIPE
Did I do too much?Yes.Am I sorry? No. And also I had all this around the house due to a mixed-up grocery delivery presenting me with someone else's MASSIVE FUCK-OFF JAR of guava preserves and several Asian pears that immediately started to go south. I even had the pears poached in red wine sauce...
Move Fast and Break People Part 1: How the Internet Gave Us the World--Then Took It All Away
Note: This is cross-posted from my Substack, where I keep my Extremely Angry Political Writing. I don't like to post it here, because it is Decidedly Not Cozy, and I want this place to be for art and community and conversations about the Better Thoughts. But I've been working on this series ...
ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Club Pasta
Ugh, it's the middle of winter and everything is hard. Dinner is just like WHATEVER, MAN.So this was last night's whatever--everything that is good and right about a club sandwich, taken apart (dEcOnStRuCtEd) and reassembled into a creamy, tangy, fresh-yet-wintrily-ribsticking pasta dish. Ro...
Make Bad Art: Writing Advice, Mythmaking, and the Dark Elephant in the Room
While I've been nursing my cat back to something vaguely resembling health, a whole lot of very unsettlingly, nauseatingly specific things came out about a certain very famous author of dark fiction and how he chose to conduct himself over the last many, many years.I'm sure you're aware....
