Meredith

the moment comes

the moment comeswhere it all feels like too much again.where the loneliness is so bigit fills by stomach with acidand my head with constant thoughts of worry and fear.the moments comewhen i don’t know if or how i can do this.sit with it all.it’s all so much.a moment like that is happening now.my...

every little piece is so, so beautiful.

i feel my pain.the loneliness, oh fuck, the loneliness.the heartbreak, dear god, the heartbreak.the fear, please, i can’t handle the fear.the anger, not more anger.and beautifully it turns to,the loneliness, oh yes, the loneliness.the heartbreak, the sweet sweet, heartbreak.the fear, please teach ...

look right at it

i’m done playing the victim.i am not a victim.i have been hurt, yes.i have been assaulted, yes.but i have power.i design my life.i decide my worth.i choose where i go,and what i do;what i wear,and if i care what anyone thinks.i won’t care what they think.i won’t care what you think.i have powe...

that’s just the way things go

how scared, terrified, i felt yesterday, march 16, at this time of night.how excited, energized, i feel tonight, thinking about the exact same things.

i was a hurricane

one day i am here.the next i am so, so far gone.so, so far away.one day i am calm.the next i am a hurricane moving through the house.but this time i am fully aware how much i’m raining. and who i am raining on.that’s good right?that’s progress?i hope.the whole time i rain down,i hear the words...

one big letting go.

(this one was from a few weeks ago)one big letting go.letting go. letting go. letting go.i don’t know how... i don’t know how to... what? anything. sleep. smile. cry. let it out. let it go. move through it. no, maybe i know how, but it all just feels like i am incapable. my body feels like the b...

this is. and i am.

It’s a new morning. And there are a million new pieces of this morning that I could get lost in. I try to keep coming back to my breath. Back to noticing the tension in my shoulders. Back to noticing when I am not breathing. Back to being aware of when a thought takes over and spirals out of contr...

i feel so much, and it is a gift.

i currently feel so at peace. so alive? i do feel alive. so aware. this is the path, or at least my path. or at least my path now.i knew it when i went to vipassana. learning how to not hope, to not desire, to not push away the present moment.abandon hope.abandon hope.abandon hope.hope is something ...

hanging on.

i'm gonna start sharing some of my B rated rolls.

i cover myself with fear.

fear seeps in.takes over.I push push push it away.it gets worse.fear seeps in as I wash dishes.as I take a bath.as I go to sleep and as I wake up.my life in shambles.no idea what I want or where I’ll go.how I’ll live.who I’ll talk to,dance with,fuck.fear seeps in again todaybut I have learned ...

mind, throat, heart, gut

When I wake I feel myself breathing. I wake and walk upwards. Up the sheet covered ice mountain that is just outside my door. Grabbing branch and rock to steady myself with my hands as my feet slip and slide and my knees hit the ground beneath me. Each bang reminds me of a pain in my heart. I rememb...

this isn’t it.

this isn’t it.the drinking.it’s just not.i know this.and then i go for another bottle.i said 27 would be my year of sobrietyand then i drank.but can i try again?of course i can. i can always try again.but can i?i can’t with gideon.but i can for myself.and for every other person i love.it feels...

february polaroids

today grief feels like freedom

today it feels like freedom.today it feels lighterand gentler.today my grief is giving mea strange peace.today my grieffeels like a balloonthat was emptied so quicklybut is now fillingand floatinginto the cherry pink sky.today i feel freerand higherand today i feellike i could float off and onand an...

the breaking let’s the peace in

i want me.i love me.i thought sleeping alone would be the hardest part of separating.but instead it has been a way back to myself.finger tip against finger tip.breathing into the four pillows pressed against my body.a night with no self pleasuringbut self pleasuring in the million little ways that p...

revolutionary to my spirit.

(stream of consciousness writing this morning.thoughts turned poem. poem turned thoughts.)Is it all connected?it feels like it’s all connected.everylittlething.in my moment of greatest sorroweverything feels so meaningful.weaved togetherso perfectly.sometimes I wonderif I am coming back to believi...

it all gets lighter

hannah and andrew take me in for the longest.one night we get high and i sit in between them.thighs snd palms and arms touching and linked.i think they really love me,i wish it was something i knew instead of something i thought.a panic attack comes on?but by now i’ve learned to feel okay with the...

spun into each other

always aching.aching for the life i had;yes.but more than that,aching for the life i thought COULD bewith gideonaching for the years and minutes and breaths put into something that was never returned.aching for reciprocity.aching to be held.aching for all the years that i was in mourning but didn’...

what is language for?

what the fuck is language for? its not for being perfect. its for communicating. for connection, for being WITH another human in a more truthful way. but when the focus is on correct grammar and correct wording and correct punctuation - that connection is already gone. when the focus is on being rig...

spinning, throbbing.

my mind is throbbing.home.in the house,alone.spinningspinningspinningspinning in the carspinning on the dance floorspinning in the housearound and around and aroundlooking for that camera,trying to fix my website,what to pack?where are the diapers?learning how to breathe again.inoutinout.l o n g e r...

poem from February 8th 2022

Nalcoah asleep in a strange room.i walk out to the living room with everyone else.i drink.i drink more.and more.7 glasses total throughout the night.Emmy and Dawson come in.Emmy puts Auren to sleep in the bed with Nalcoah.Emmy reading my poem, my mouth dries up.her reading it with me in the roomand ...

Pretend Artists Night

a friend of mine had a "pretend artists club" and I was able to attend the first meeting where we shared pieces of our art that we have been working on or something brand new. I find when I am prompted to create for a specific reason, I thrive.One morning while in Ohio with Nalcoah, as I am ...

another weekend

another weekendanother couple days where i am floundering trying to figure out what to do and where to go.who to stay withwho really wants me? or is okay with me being in their home?another weekend another couple days trying to figure out if ill be okay alone in the house with the animals in the wal...

purple roll from two years ago

thank you.

i want to make a post and just say thank you to everyone who has been sticking around through these months of me basically not existing on this platform. the support is noticed, constantly. especially now.i’m not sure what i want to say or share about how the last few months have been for me. but ...

are our shadows allowed

the last of summer (a morning)

re-uploading some of these photos because patreon doesn’t like seeing buttholes. so censored like i would for instagram.i am so unorganized i couldn’t even find all of these photos. 🥴 someone help! send tips! haha like those have ever worked for my brain.

a few more from acadia.

apple tree

is it me?

i stayed at my moms for a week in september. i needed some space and time in a different scene. this was my first time staying there for a week in years and i wasn't prepared for the amount of flashbacks and old habits and mindsets to come back up like they did. nalcoah was with me, which made i...