Meredith
patreon
spinning, throbbing.
🕑 Added 2022-02-15 19:21:09 +0000 UTCmy mind is throbbing.
home.
in the house,
alone.
spinning
spinning
spinning
spinning in the car
spinning on the dance floor
spinning in the house
around and around and around
looking for that camera,
trying to fix my website,
what to pack?
where are the diapers?
learning how to breathe again.
in
out
in
out.
l o n g e r m e r e d i t h
in…
out…
in…
out…
spinning
spinning towards you.
no.
not towards you
there there’s only shame,
anger,
guilt.
neglect…
spin away
spin towards him…
I try,
I fail
I try,
I fail.
spin towards him
and him
and him.
all of them.
hannah tells me
“just remember assholes don’t get pussy”
I tell her
“but what if they’re the only ones who will take me.”
I spin towards another him.
“I JUST WANT TO FUCK”
I scream in my head.
and send all the texts I want to
the next morning embarrassment takes over
but not too much…
just enough.
I laugh and laugh and laugh
I’m learning to find amusement rather than embarrassment in myself.
I haven’t been this way since early high school.
completely all over the place.
spinning
throbbing
spinning
throbbing
body spinning on the hard wood floor.
brain throbbing in my tangled head.
hands spinning the two week old rice
round and round and round in the pot.
pussy throbbing for another him.
him
him
him.
when will it be ‘her’?
why always him.
when there is so little physical attraction
but so much desired desire to be desired.
but I would be desired more by her.
but I have taught my body
over and over and over again
to be desired in a degraded way.
degradation
I want it
even when I hate it
degradation
I need it.
even when it’s nauseating.
it takes me away
up and out of my body.
into pure pleasure.
pleasure mixed with pain
but I want her
I love her
I live for her
with her.
but for now it’s only hims.
and I am learning amusement rather than embarrassment
in myself.
in my body
and her desires.
be amused,
you are beautiful.
be amused,
you are to be celebrated.
be amused,
you are cherished.
I’m learning.
I’m learning.
I’m learning.
Comments
Shannon Tomasik
beautiful
