thehardtimes posts
Posts: 1251
Files: 2812
Hard Digest June 28: Early Access ICE, Rick Rubin, Movies, and More
New ICE Recruitment Ad Just “Click Click Boom” Playing Over Video of Mexican Kid’s Birthday PartyBy Matt HusserWASHINGTON — ICE unveiled a new recruitment ad today that was just Saliva’s “Click, Click, Boom” playing at an insanely loud volume over a video of a Mexican kid’s birthday ...
Hard Digest June 27: Early Access Guitar Pedals, Cops, Wall of Death, and More
Guitarist Buys $450 Pedal Just to Play Last 15 Seconds of “Karma Police”By Rob RyderANNAPOLIS, Md. — Amateur guitarist Jay Alvarez recently purchased a $450 delay pedal in an attempt to replicate the last few seconds of Radiohead’s 1997 Hit “Karma Police,” concerned friends reported.“I...
Hard Digest June 26: Early Access RFK Jr., Bluesky, Greg Ginn, and More
RFK Jr. Tells Staff Not to Bother Him Until It’s a Big Pox OutbreakBy Matt Husser WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dismissed a potential smallpox outbreak today by telling HHS staffers not to bother him until it’s a “big pox” outbreak, sources confirmed.“I’m this clo...
MVP: Blind Melon "No Rain"
This week on MVP we break down the classic "No Rain" music video from Blind Melon that brought you the famous Bee Girl. So grow your hair out, grab you incense and settle in for another episode to enjoy with your family.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qVPNONdF58&pp=0gc...
Hard Digest June 25: Cuomo, Early Access Recruiting, McDonald's, ICE, and More
So, This Is How Rank-and-File Mediocrity and Corruption Dies — Guest Post by Andrew CuomoBy Dan RiceMy fellow centrists,As of this writing, I have just gotten off the phone with Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist, congratulating him on winning the democratic nomination for mayor of New York. I...
Hard Digest June 24: Early Access Touring, Re-Education Camps, The Bear, and More
Touring Punk Band Cuts Transportation Costs 90% After Stealing Van From Costco Parking LotBy Ben FriedmanDAVENPORT, Iowa — A cash-strapped punk band embarking on their first tour was able to cut their transportation expenses 90% by stealing an unattended sprinter van from the local Costco parking ...
Hard Digest June 23: Early Access Spiders, Liquid Death, Time, and More
Girlfriend Can’t Go to Sleep After Seeing Line 6 Spider in the CornerBy James Klinger MARIETTA, Ga. — Local girlfriend Kaitlynn Gagnon is unable to sleep after spotting a Line 6 Spider in the corner right before shutting her eyes, boyfriend sleepily confirmed.“Eek! Those things disgust me,” ...
Hard Digest June 22: Iran, Early Access, Country Music, The Strokes, and Splash Mountain
Trump Claims “Very Successful” Bombing Campaign in Iran Has Killed the Actual Osama bin LadenBy The Hard Times Staff WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump boasted that the U.S.-led military strike on Iranian nuclear facilities successfully killed the architect of the 9/11 attacks, Osama bin Lade...
Hard Digest June 21: Early Access Bright Eyes, Hells Bells, the FAA, and More
Man Attending Bright Eyes/Cursive Concert Excited to Relive the Glory Days of the Most Miserable and Depressed Time in His LifeBy Kevin CoonsBOSTON — Local father and software engineer Evan Froom is reportedly excited to see emo bands Bright Eyes and Cursive perform together, recalling an earlier ...
Hard Digest June 20: Early Access Gigs, The Tolerant Left, NOAA, and More
Friend With Upcoming Gig Suddenly Remembers That You Still ExistBy Sara TabinSALEM, Mass. — Your friend Jared Bunter finally reached out today to let you know about his band’s upcoming gig despite six months of radio silence prior to that point, sources report.“Honestly, I’m mostly just reli...
Hard Digest June 19: Juneteenth, Early Access Democrats, Putin, Acoustic Guitars, and More
Trump Calls for Reparations for Families Who “Lost Their Workers” on JuneteenthBy Ben SobieckWASHINGTON — President Donald Trump marked Juneteenth, the federal holiday created in 2021 commemorating the end of slavery in the United States, with a call for reparations to descendants of families ...
MVP: Butthole Surfers "Pepper"
This week we break down the music video for "Pepper" from your parents' favorite band Butthole Surfers. Grabbed your canned corn and settle in for a good one.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRXty8lDUW0
Hard Digest June 18: Early Access Prisons, Point Break, Kristin Noem, and More
Private University Brochure Touts Diversity of Nearby PrisonBy Matt Husser ITHACA, N.Y. — Elite private institution Bournestown University released a new campus brochure today touting the diversity of the college’s nearby prison, sources confirmed.“Here at Bournestown University, we’re proud...
Hard Digest June 17: Trump Mobile, Early Access Pits, Mercyful Fate, Supreme Court, and More
Every Trump Phone To Come Preloaded With Epstein Contact ListBy Tim Sheard NEW YORK — President Donald Trump’s sons Eric and Don Jr. announced a new Trump Mobile cellular phone service that will feature a new phone called the T1, which will be priced at $499 and come preloaded with the full Epst...
Hard Digest June 16: Gas Prices, Early Access Pantera, Velvet Revolver, Recitals, and More
What the Deaths of Countless Middle Eastern Civilians Means for You at the PumpBy Tim SheardSummer is almost here. That means hopping in your car and hitting the open road with your best friends and family. But before you plan on making that trip to the lake house, you should know that gas prices ar...
Hard Digest June 15: Early Access Slipknot, Patriarchy, Target, and More
New Member of Slipknot Told to Look Busy Until the Boss Finds Something for Him to DoBy Steve PackoskyDES MOINES, Iowa — Newest member of Slipknot Brett Francese found himself struggling to look busy during his first day on the job, sources report.“I’m actually kind of surprised I got in the b...
Hard Digest June 13: Early Access Limp Bizkit, Urban Outfitters, Pride, and More
Limp Bizkit Fan Figures Out Exact Day in 1998 That Fred Durst Was Singing About in “Break Stuff”By Zack Zagranis JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Limp Bizkit superfan Dylan “Chuds” McKenzie pinpointed the exact day Fred Durst is referring to in the band’s hit single “Break Stuff,” something prev...
Hard Digest June 12: Early Access Meta, Recession, Solvents, and More
Meta Now Partnering With UPS to Mail Pictures of Hitler Directly to Young MenBy Matt BiekerMENLO PARK, Calif. — Meta announced a new partnership this week with UPS to physically mail high-gloss, full-color photographs of Adolf Hitler directly to the homes of young men not currently active on socia...
MVP: NSYNC "Bye Bye Bye"
This week we break down a punk classic. Of course it's NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye" a video you sat through in order to get to watch a Blink-182 video on TRL.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo-KmOd3i7s
Hard Digest June 11: Brian Wilson Tributes, Trump, Early Access Mormons, Sean Penn, New Jersey Sober, and More
Mike Love Posts Touching Tribute to Mike LoveBy Dan RiceIn response to the recent passing of Brian Wilson, often credited as the driving creative force behind The Beach Boys’ best work, former bandmate and cousin Mike Love posted an emotional and touching tribute to the life and work of Mike Love ...
Hard Digest June 10: Early Access Steel Magnolias, The Perfect Crime, Trump, and More
Audio Engineering Mixup Results in Two-Minute Sound Clip From “Steel Magnolias” Being Included in New Mortician SongBy Steve Packosky LAS VEGAS — A sound clip from 1989 film “Steel Magnolias” was accidentally used in the beginning of the song “Axewound Rhinoplasty” by notorious death/g...
Hard Digest June 9: LA Police, Sly Stone, Early Access '90s Rock, Crypto, Millennials, and More
New Report Shows Cops Were Told to Escalate Violence in LA By Picturing Protesters as Their Wives and ChildrenBy The Hard Times StaffLOS ANGELES — A leaked memo from high-ranking law enforcement officials encouraged officers on the street tasked with confronting protesters to “Picture them as yo...
Hard Digest June 8: Early Access Dream Theater, Landlords, and Trump
Dream Theater Fans Storm the Capitol After Tariffs Raise Price of Real DollsBy Steve PackoskyWASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex dolls, was raised as a direct result of President Donald...
Hard Digest June 7: Early Access Line Cooks, Turnstile, and Mr. Beast
Line Cook Who Listens to Music Exclusively Through iPhone Placed Inside of Cambro Under Ventilation Hood Won’t Settle for Spotify’s Inferior BitrateBy Robert John Scucci NASHVILLE — Veteran line cook Gerry Powell insisted on blaring music through his shattered iPhone 5 by placing it inside of ...
Hard Digest June 6: Billionaires, Early Access Country Music, John Mellencamp, JD Vance, and More
Untethered MAGA Patriot Unsure Which Billionaire to Worship Going ForwardBy The Hard Times Staff HELENA, Mont. — Self-proclaimed “Ultra-MAGA Patriot” Tommy Walton admitted that the public blow-up between President Trump and Elon Musk is causing him immense mental anguish as he ponders which bi...
Hard Digest June 5: White House Drama, Greta Thunberg, Early Access MTV News, Crust Punks, Orwell, and More
JD Vance Pumped to Be Getting Two ChristmasesBy Dan Rice WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance can barely conceal his excitement at the prospect of getting “Two whole Christmases!” this year in light of the recent explosive rift between Donald Trump and Elon Musk, sources claim.“Look, I under...
MVP: Soul Asylum "Runaway Train"
This week on the podcast we decided everyone needed a good laugh, so we picked a video that everyone thinks is hilarious. Join us as we break down the horrors of Soul Asylum's "Runaway Train" music video.Watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRtvqT_wMeY
Hard Digest June 4: Early Access Manowar, Thrash Bands, Instagram, and More
Weird! Manowar Not Getting Girlfriend in the MoodBy Steve Packosky FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report.“I don’t get it,” you lamented. “I lit some candles and put on ‘Kings ...
Hard Digest June 3: Early Access Vinyl Collectors, Coworkers, Gas Prices, and More
Lazy Vinyl Collector Well-Versed in First Half of Classic AlbumsBy Jason ClemenceFRAMINGHAM, Mass. — Self-described “audiophile” and “vinyl junkie” Jerry Cordman possesses encyclopedic knowledge of the first half of countless masterful albums, a unique trait that acquaintances attribute to...
Hard Digest June 2: Early Access Van Halen, Moms, ICE, and More
New Amazon Prime Series Explores Alternate American Timeline Where David Lee Roth Never Left Van HalenBy Dan KozuhLOS ANGELES — Streaming giant Amazon Prime announced today the upcoming release of “I’m The One,” an alternate-history series that ponders how history might change if eccentric f...
