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Hard Digest June 4: Early Access Manowar, Thrash Bands, Instagram, and More
🕑 Added 2025-06-05 00:00:06 +0000 UTCWeird! Manowar Not Getting Girlfriend in the Mood
By FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report.
“I don’t get it,” you lamented. “I lit some candles and put on ‘Kings of Metal’ thinking it was a sure-fire way to get laid tonight. I even tacked the picture from the album’s liner notes of the band standing shirtless over the bed, but the only thing I got for this was a confused look and several requests to put on literally any other band. Maybe I just don’t understand women as much as I thought I did. I mean, this definitely would have worked on me. Maybe I should have sprung for a bottle of nice wine instead of a case of Red Dog, or at the very least washed my sheets.”
Your girlfriend Brenda Geedey reiterated her confusion over your actions.
“Wait, he actually thought that was going to get me in the mood?” Geedey asked while laughing in disbelief. “Are you fucking shitting me? Playing that super cheesy power metal while showing me pictures of those greased up shirtless guys from the ‘80s was supposed to make me horny? Ugh, and those lyrics were the absolute worst. ‘Pleasure Slave?’ I think I actually threw up in my mouth at one point. Jesus Christ. I thought he was playing some kind of weird joke on me that wasn’t landing. Now that I know that was a genuine effort in seduction, I may need to start looking for another romantic partner. Hell, even KISS would have worked better than that.”
Sociologist Raisa Mevvich provided some input on the situation.
“Given how grossly inept metalheads are with women, it is absolutely staggering that any of them have ever managed to procreate,” Mevvich said. “Their profound failure to comprehend that sick riffs and lyrics about dragons won’t automatically win the favor of the opposite sex is something that has surprised me in case study after case study. The number of accounts I’ve read wherein a metal fan has tried to impress a woman by playing Blind Guardian’s ‘Nightfall in Middle Earth’ would astound you. Honestly, most metalheads would fare better romantically if they just stood still at all times without opening their mouths, but they just can’t seem to help themselves.”
At press time, you had decided to switch to Immortal to see if that would work.
5 Thrash Bands You Might as Well Check Out Since You Don’t Know How To Patch the Hole in Your Only Pair of Jeans
By Welp, your sole pair of Wranglers that you wear to work, shows, dates, restaurants, and even funerals now has a hole in it. We would advise patching it up, but you certainly don’t have the mental wherewithal for that. Instead, we’ll introduce you to 5 lesser-known thrash metal bands so you can at least adopt the lifestyle you’re now cluelessly appropriating. What else are you going to do, buy a new pair? Yeah right.
Hirax
These Orange County thrashers have released 6 full-length LPs since — sorry, how old are you? How have you made it this far in life without obtaining a simple sewing kit? We’re happy to introduce you to all these killer bands, but honestly, you need to get your shit together. Anyway, Hirax’s first album dropped in 1985, and they’re still going strong today. Check them out if you’re not going to comport yourself like a fucking adult.
Razor
Let’s go north of the border to check out these Ontario psychos, but first, what exactly were you doing when you got that gigantic hole above the left knee? We’re just hard-pressed to understand how a grown man can find himself in this situation. At any rate, Razor is sick as fuck. We really like “Violent Restitution” and “Shotgun Justice,” but honestly, you can’t go wrong with any of their efforts if you’re going to insist on continuing with this charade.
Xentrix
Are you even enjoying these bands so far? Be honest. Thrash metal isn’t for everybody, so it’s okay if you don’t, and there is a very simple alternative to this. No? Okay, well Xentrix is a lamentably overlooked British band that would definitely appeal to casual thrashers who have only really listened to Metallica. You have checked out the first 4 Metallica albums, right? No? Ugh, Jesus Christ. Well, Xentrix is an awesome band. Go ahead and check them out, we guess.
Tankard
Hell yeah. Tankard has put out a whopping 19 full-length albums since they formed in 1983. They’re from Germany, and we’re willing to bet they know how to sew, so maybe you should give them a listen. Then again, you’ve never even heard “Master of Puppets,” so you know what? Do whatever you want. We can’t believe we still have another band left.
Sunn O)))
The fact that you’re seriously reading this shows we’ve completely wasted our time here. Sunn O))) is a drone metal band, which is clearly the opposite of thrash. Close this article and fix your fucking pants. Now.
Instagram Hiatus Broken for 498th Day in a Row
By Ben Friedman
BROOKLYN — Local man Dan Flemming was forced to explain to friends why, despite a repeatedly publicized hiatus from Instagram, he has been using the app for 498 days in a row since his initial departure, confirmed sources.
“I quit Instagram over a year ago after it became clear a vast majority of my feed was just brain rot and fear mongering. It’s just that I’ve needed to pop on real quick now and then to check on a few accounts for almost 500 days but that doesn’t mean the ban isn’t still technically in effect,” said Flemming. “Look, small businesses need engagement and I can’t risk missing a funny meme someone might send me. So I just jump on briefly and as soon as I’ve finished six hours of doomscrolling, the hiatus is back on. It was meant to be more of a symbolic break, not a literal one.”
Fleming’s friends were quickly getting tired of his excuses.
“You know for someone who announced for a week straight that he was leaving Instagram, he sure does send a whole lot of Reels and reads exactly zero books like he promised he would,” said Victor Nuñez. “Honestly I stopped caring after day 200, and I’m starting to think he doesn’t know what the word hiatus means. Personally, I think it was less of a proclamation and more of a cry for help. At this rate if he wants to cut out Insta he’s going to have to go full Unibomer and live in a desolate shack in the woods without any technology.”
Meta engineers acknowledged Flemming is one of many who have tried to take a break from their platform.
“Meta is well aware of the challenges that have arisen from a nonstop onslaught of influencer content, bad right-wing memes, and advertisements for things irrelevant to users’ interests. However, our platforms are optimized to never, ever let users leave,” said Xander Allen. “Go ahead and close out the app, you’re just going to open it back up in 30 seconds anyway. Hiatus? Give me a break. Where else are they going to get dopamine, by making real emotional connections in person? Users can leave any time they want, but deep down everyone is compelled to share what they had for dinner last night.”
As of press time, Flemming announced he will leave Instagram for good as soon as he receives a response from all the goth models he’s been DMing.
Leader of the Free World Becomes Leader of the Premium+ World
BY Garry Kerls
WASHINGTON — Recent proceedings in the United States’ government have led the current administration to reclassify President Donald Trump from ‘Leader of the Free World’ to ‘Leader of the Premium+ World,’ our sources confirm.
“The President has been very clear, if you want something from us, you’ve gotta pay for it,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt during her daily barrage of perfectly reasonable questioning. “If Ukraine wants peace they’re gonna have to sign over their precious metals, and perhaps a few major cities, that’s just how it’s gonna go down, don’t expect a hand out.”
The President’s new tariff policy has set a precedent to the rest of the world’s nations that the USA is done with negotiation and reason, and the only thing that will sway this administration is cold hard cash.
“The days of importing oil, vehicles, and computer hardware are over!” said Vice President JD Vance from the kid’s table. “The only thing we want coming into our country are burlap sacks with dollar signs on them, and the only thing we expect to export are Venmo requests and invoices for all the great content we supply to the world.”
During a recent flight on Air Force One, President Trump debuted his new ‘Trump Gold Card,’ a pay to win method for elite immigrants wanting to migrate into the burning wasteland that is the USA.
“It’s a great deal! $5 million for this beautiful piece of plastic, it’s so shiny I can see my gorgeous reflection in it,” said the President in between turbulence bumps and the pilot’s plea to fasten seatbelts. “Act now and I’ll throw in a free season of the upcoming USA Battle Pass, which includes a draft dodge bonus and a free play token to any Atlantic City Trump casino.”
The economy’s reaction to these bold diplomatic decisions has been less than enthusiastic – shrinking for the first time since the Covid-19 pandemic. American’s have been warned to expect empty shelves, rising prices, and new paywalls on features that used to be free.
At press time, the President has flirted with the idea of letting criminals and insane asylum escapees into the country if they have an impressive net worth.
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