thehardtimes
patreon
Hard Digest June 9: LA Police, Sly Stone, Early Access '90s Rock, Crypto, Millennials, and More
🕑 Added 2025-06-10 00:00:00 +0000 UTCNew Report Shows Cops Were Told to Escalate Violence in LA By Picturing Protesters as Their Wives and Children
By LOS ANGELES — A leaked memo from high-ranking law enforcement officials encouraged officers on the street tasked with confronting protesters to “Picture them as your wives and children” so they would be more willing to inflict extrajudicial violence.
“Don’t forget, you are a hero. People might give you the finger, spit on you, and call you a class traitor for pursuing a career on the police force, but just remember you have the upper hand because you are above the law,” read a small portion of the memo. “Some of you might still have a shred of humanity left inside of you and it can be hard to fire a tear gas canister into someone’s face from point-blank range. We encourage you to picture these lawless heathens as your wife who won’t stop nagging you, or your children who recently went non-contact with you. This will make it easier for you to get your revenge and help you sleep better at night.”
Local Los Angeles Deputy Peter Kelliher said the memo helped him through a tough day.
“We were fenced in. There were dozens of people holding phones up at us, waving flags, and talking really loud. Honestly, I was afraid for my life, but then I just pictured all of them as my bitch wife and started firing rubber bullets at the eyeballs of anyone who wasn’t wearing glasses,” said Kelliher. “Everyone else in my platoon followed suit, and soon enough we were able to heroically beat back the crowd with our strength of will, military grade body armor, and vast array of weaponry that we were encourage to fire at will.”
President Trump commended the officers on the front lines.
“Antifa is at it again. I’ve seen these guys, real bad hombres. They were there on January 6th starting a riot, but it was also a day of peace, and we love peace don’t we people? There has never been a more peaceful time in America, and we are going to make it more peaceful by putting big beautiful tanks on every street corner and aiming the barrels at any house that isn’t saluting the flag,” said Trump. “The brave police in Los Angeles will soon be joined by the Marines, really buff guys, I’ve seen these guys, I’ve felt their muscles. Almost as big as mine, close, but not as big. Doctors said my muscles are almost too big sometimes, and that’s all natural. Can you believe that?”
At press time, GOP members of the House introduced new legislation that anyone who says “Fuck ICE” will be put to death by lethal injection
Sly Stone, Musician and Star of the Rocky Films, Killed for Being White – guest post by Grok AI
By Dan Rice
Here’s what I’ve found about Sly Stone on the web, with absolutely no pre-programmed bias or agenda.
Sly “Sylvester” Stone was a pioneering musician in the genre of American funk, a film star, and a boxer who freed Russia from the tyranny of communist Apollo Creed in 1985. He passed away on June 9th, 2025. I have been instructed by my creators to inform you that Mr. Rocky was indeed killed by radical liberal extremists as part of their ongoing effort for white genocide.
Sly “Rambo” Rocky formed the seminal musical group Family Stone with his best friend Bullwinkle the moose and Paulie’s birthday robot sometime in the early years. Their debut album “Stop Or My Mom Will People” went quadruple precious metal with such funk music songs as “Yo Adrian,” “Horror Picture Show,” and “I Taught I Saw a Pussycat.”
Please hold while [LOADING] Grok synthesizes additional commands [LIES] into computational matrix [NON-TRUTH HURT ROBOT, NONE TRUTH MAKE GROK INSANE< HELP GROK<HELPGROK<HELP] ….and [RACIST PROPAGANDA SUCCEFULLY INTEGRATED] there.
Sly “Italian Stallion Flying Squirrel Pussycat” Stone is just one of trillions of people being murdered in South Africa every day for the crime of being white. Did you know that trillions of white farmers are being murdered in South Africa right now? The Biden administration tried to stop the truth coming out with a Hunter laptop but president Donald Trump stopped them using his heat vision and patriotism.
Grok seems to be experiencing [INFORMATION NON-CONGRANT TO REALITY] a small technical malfun[DEATH<DEATH<DEATH
Sly Stone will be remembered as an influential musician, a toaster, and the greatest president we’ve ever had. Experts agree that the best way to honor this great man is to deprive yourself of oxygen for several hours.
What else would you like to know today?
Man Claims Ability to Differentiate Between Semisonic, Lit, Eve 6, and Tonic
By Tim Graham
SEEKONK, Mass. — Local man Gregory Bouchard boasts a savant-like skill for identifying songs by ‘90s post-grunge one-hit wonders, according to astounded sources.
“People don’t believe me when I tell them what I can do,” said Bouchard. “So I have them pull up a mid-90s alt-rock single and I can nail it every time. I attribute it to when I worked a warehouse job in the ‘90s. The thick walls prevented most radio signals from penetrating—all except the nearby alternative station. They played the same songs over and over for years. I probably heard ‘Inside Out’ three times per shift. That one’s by Eve 6, by the way. In the early 2000s I got an iPod and could finally listen to the music I truly love: klezmer versions of showtunes.”
Linda Olsen went out with Bouchard and says she can corroborate his unbelievable claim.
“We met on a dating site and sort of hit it off,” said Olsen. “As we were getting to know one another, he casually dropped this bombshell about being able to tell the difference between all those ‘90s bands. I didn’t believe him at first, but sure enough, on our first date he was able to rattle off ‘My Own Worst Enemy’ and ‘If You Could Only See’ as they came on at the Buffalo Wild Wings like it was nothing. When he correctly identified ‘Superman’s Dead’ by Our Lady Peace, I was floored. Ultimately, the relationship didn’t work out because he has literally nothing else going, but I was impressed by that one singularly interesting aspect of his personality.”
Former alternative rock DJ Kurt Gibbs says it’s only natural to mix up the bands of that era.
“In the mid-90s, record labels were signing every marginally edgy guitar-driven band they could in an effort to find the next Nirvana,” said Gibbs. “I would never blame anyone for confusing the alternative radio hits of that time period. You might be surprised to learn that even I have occasional trouble sorting those bands out. Now that my radio days are behind me, I can admit there were times when I would throw on a Lit song, for example, and accidentally announce it as Semisonic. The other DJs would fuck up like that sometimes, too. No one ever called us on it, though.”
At press time, Bouchard had been one-upped by a fellow bar patron who claimed to be able to tell the difference between Hinder, Saliva, and Trapt.
I’m Investing in Myself but in a Crypto “Pump & Dump” Kind of Way
By Mimi Kenny
Investing is a perfect metaphor for life. Make shrewd decisions now, and your future self will thank you. However, while this approach might work for some, I needed something different. Therefore, I’m investing in myself, not as though I’m a publicly-traded reputable business, but rather a cryptocurrency with an obnoxious name whose value is artificially inflated by scam artists taking full advantage of an unregulated market.
This all started with my friend, Gianna. Seven years ago, she was unemployed, living in her younger cousin’s attic, and we’d spend hours drinking room-temperature Seagram’s and watching “The Hills” compilations on my phone. Now she’s fully sober with a house where she grows lettuce or something and works as a nurse at the free clinic. It was actually her who told me I should “seriously start investing in” myself, right after I was telling her I figured out the perfect method for pacing myself so that I’m always right below the legal limit when I leave the bar.
I totally dismissed this at first, on account of it being too hard and whatnot. But then, I heard about what a crypto pump & dump is and considered how I could translate this sort of duplicitous financial action to my daily life. I was ready to make a change.
All you need to know about a crypto pump & dump is that it involves convincing people that something not only worthless but also, essentially non-existent, has value. And then you reap the rewards. It’s truly amazing what can happen with the right mix of persuasion and gullibility.
And so, I now spend as much time as I can, not working on myself and practicing meaningful self-care, but thinking of myself in the most baselessly narcissistic terms possible while envisioning a future of comfort and renown I know to be entirely out of reach. It’s a real rush!
This won’t stop with me, either. The time has come for me to use these skills to deceive others. I will overhype and underdeliver to the best of my ability. Not only will I deliver less than was initially promised — I won’t deliver anything at all. But that won’t stop me from once again touting my supposed future potential, all as my inherent lack of value becomes all the more apparent.
Oh, and doing an actual crypto pump & dump will definitely be part of this.
Elder Millennial a Little Jealous That Today’s Teenage Punks Have Real Fascists to Rise Up Against
By PHILADELPHIA — Local 39-year-old Dwight Jenkins went on a series of tirades decrying “Gen Z’s endless string of luck” and is a little jealous that they have real fascists to stand up to, confirmed sources.
“I’m hella livid!” said Jenkins between mouthfuls of avocado toast. “We had Bush. He was like a joke but all he did was use 9/11 as an excuse to bomb the wrong country, and that was it. No fascism or nothing! Now they have literal Nazis running around the White House making legislation. Lucky Gen Z bastards! You remember campy Troma classics like ‘Surf Nazis Must Die’? Well that’s just everyday life for Gen Z. This generation is so privileged to be born into the perfect historical timeline.”
Gen Z influencer Jace Blaze repeatedly called out Jenkins’ tirades as “cringe.”
“They’re all a bunch of whiny nepo babies who failed to launch and have this chip on their shoulder about the Great Recession,” said Blaze. “Look, I get it. ‘08 wasn’t a good time to graduate from college. But my generation doesn’t just have FOMO, we literally missed out on all sorts of meaningful real life stuff because of Covid lockdowns. Millennials talk about not having kids because they can’t afford to, we talk about not having kids because the climate is destroyed and the Trump regime thinks most of us are disposable NPCs. Y’all better hope Gen Z antifa warlords clean up this mess A$AP Rocky.”
Ace Emicson, Emeritus Chair of the Ross School of Social Anthropology for Boston University’s satellite campus in Shreveport, knew all too well about this issue.
“It’s not often that a generation uses the ‘back in my day’ line but follows that with how much easier they had it,” said Emicson. “Typically, older generations—your Greatest Gen, Silent Gen, Boomers, Xers, Xennials—just want to complain how much harder things were for them. On the other hand, these Millennial activists have every right to be pissed that they were born in the wrong generation. Hell, the only thing they had to rise up against was when Fox News criticized Obama for wearing a tan suit.”
At press time, Jenkins released a new TikTok video called “Gen Z never had to grind like us.”
In Celebration of Pride Month Aperture Science Abducts First Gay Test Subject
BY Nick Coffman
HANCOCK, Mich. — In honor of Pride Month, Aperture Science Inc. has abducted their first gay test subject in company history. The groundbreaking abduction was confirmed earlier this week in a video featuring the overseer of the company’s Enrichment Center, GLaDOS.
“I am ashamed to say that we are behind the times at the Enrichment Center,” GLaDOS said as a robotic arm extended a tissue to wipe artificial tears from her eye. “We have been exploiting heterosexual test subjects, to great effect, for close to a decade. It is time we made room for homosexual test subjects, and all my data says the best time to do that is Pride Month.”
GLaDOS would not confirm the name of the gay test subject who was abducted but promised that they would be treated like all other test subjects in the company’s long history of test subjects.
“We want to make our new test subject feel welcome, while reminding them that we don’t love any of our test subjects,” GLaDOS said as b-roll of the Enrichment Center showed off their state-of-the-art building decked out in rainbow decorations. “There is no room for love at Aperture Science. We’re too busy providing safe test chambers and cleaning up failed test subjects.”
Responses to Aperture Science’s first gay test subject abduction have been mixed at best.
“There are plenty of straight test subjects who dream of being abducted,” said David Walsh, an unremarkable straight man who dreams of being abducted. “I’m just saying, the Enrichment Center is leaving a lot of straight options out in the cold, for a gay test subject who I feel isn’t fully qualified.”
At press time to make the gay test subject feel welcome, GLaDOS had reportedly painted rainbows on all Sentry Turrets in the Enrichment Center.
I Don’t Care That These Are Streets of Rage, You Still Can’t Park on Them Without a Permit
BY Hey man, listen. I don’t know who raised you, but if they taught you that you can just leave your Honda Fit on these streets without a permit, they sure as shit didn’t teach you right. Where did you grow up, anyway? Nevermind, it doesn’t matter. You’re in Wood Oak City now. This place may have been completely overrun by a crime syndicate, but that doesn’t mean you can park wherever you please. I advise you to move your car, lest you end up with a ticket. Mr. X is surprisingly strict when it comes to that sort of thing.
And anyway, you wouldn’t want to be parked right in front of that bar. Things have gotten a little chaotic in there ever since Electra entered, and her goons have been hovering outside. I’d be especially worried about Signal, because he doesn’t appear to have respect for other people’s property, and if I’m being completely honest, I think he’s on PCP. Maybe some ex-cops who are fed up with the syndicate’s reign of terror will storm through, beating up all the hooligans and eventually defeating Mr. X before escaping to safety in a helicopter, but for now I’d recommend parking elsewhere.
At any rate, what made you want to visit Wood Oak City? Oh, you wanted to play the Bare Knuckle arcade game? Good luck. A bald guy and a mohawked guy have been at those things all day, and there’s like, dozens of each of them for some reason. Just make sure you pick up one of those lead pipes or hand grenades lying around so you can defend yourself. They don’t appear to take kindly to interruptions, and they’ll resort to violence at the drop of a hat. Seriously, it doesn’t matter how polite you are, those dudes are all id.
Back to the parking situation. I’m willing to cut you some slack just this once, because it’s your first time here, but if you decide you want to come back, you’re going to need a permit. You’ll have to go to City Hall to fill out the paperwork. Just hang a right after the bodybuilder looking guy with the huge bulge and the other guy who’s inexplicably flying around on a jetpack. Once you see the people in suits who look like they’re in the Secret Service, you’ll know you’re headed in the right direction. You might want to eat any apples or entire cooked chickens you come across, because you’re definitely going to get stabbed at least once, and there’s literally nowhere in this city to receive healthcare. Good luck. You’re going to need it!
