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Hard Digest June 23: Early Access Spiders, Liquid Death, Time, and More
🕑 Added 2025-06-24 00:00:06 +0000 UTCGirlfriend Can’t Go to Sleep After Seeing Line 6 Spider in the Corner
By MARIETTA, Ga. — Local girlfriend Kaitlynn Gagnon is unable to sleep after spotting a Line 6 Spider in the corner right before shutting her eyes, boyfriend sleepily confirmed.
“Eek! Those things disgust me,” disclosed a terrified Gagnon while holding up her dress and standing on the bed. “There’s absolutely no way I’m going to be able to sleep now with that thing in the corner, especially while it’s making that weird buzzing sound at us. How didn’t I notice it before? I mean, look at the huge web it’s made already! Isn’t this how the guy from Slayer died? I ain’t goin’ out like that guy.”
Landlord Connor Walters confirmed that this wasn’t an isolated incident.
“Alright, I’ll spill, but let’s just keep this between us. There’s a bit of an infestation of Line 6 Spiders in the complex right now,” Walters frustratingly admitted. “This isn’t the first tenant that’s complained to me about them and it probably won’t be the last. I’ve done everything I can to get the apartments looking ready and appear functioning for new tenants. I’ve painted over a few during renovations but after seeing nest after nest made from rusty First Act cables I think it might be time to call in an expert.”
Lance Gerald, the exterminator on scene, provided some insight on these disgusting but misunderstood creatures.
“Spider phobias are quite common. This species, Acies Sex Aranea, better known as the Line 6 Spider are harmless although they can make a harsh screech when threatened,” said Gerald while loading up his exterminator equipment which included a slipper and a paper-back copy of “Old Yeller.” “These little buggers are quite prevalent in low income areas, I’ve got a couple in my house too. Sometimes I like to play with them but only when no one’s looking. Generally, it’s best to scoop them up and place them outside, but I’ve got a sledgehammer I’ve been wanting to try out.”
At the current moment, the very pregnant black widow spider living inside the Line 6 sure hopes no one hurts her beautiful home and harms her hundreds of babies.
How To Hold an Intervention for Your Straight Edge Friend’s Liquid Death Problem
By Mikey Reid
Your straight edge loved one has become ensnared in the terrible trap of Liquid Death abuse and you can’t stand to see them like this. Their addiction has advanced to the point of drinking cans outside of hardcore shows, and they are now indulging before work, family activities, or even while driving. Here’s how to hold an intervention for your straight edge friend’s Liquid Death problem:
Step 1: Gather friends and loved ones who are equally annoyed by how much your friend talks about Liquid Death
The first step is admitting you have a problem. A problem with the amount they talk about Liquid Death, a canned water that’s allegedly from a mountain but is indistinguishable from a bathroom sink. You’re happy about their sobriety, but could they try being clean from talking about how counterculture drinking branded water is?
Step 2: Write personal letters about the ways in which Liquid Death consumption is ruining your relationship. Here’s a template you can use:
Dear (Loved One),
Your Liquid Death addiction has affected me in the following ways:
1) It’s impossible to talk to you when you’re drinking. Seriously, the incessant popping of cans is driving me insane. I have a show I’m trying to invite you to.
2) You know there’s regular water that does the same thing, right?
3) The booker says if I don’t have more than 2 people this time, we have to play the 4 pm slot.
4) Trust me, we already knew you were hardcore when you started speaking in tongues in the Underoath mosh pit. Your water choice doesn’t change that.
5) Could you at least throw away the cans in your truck? I need to borrow it to load in this weekend.
It’s important to use your letter to let them know you are coming from a place of love and not from a place of being a big, jealous hater. Seriously, you can’t let on that their ability to have fun while drinking flat tin-flavored water might be at the root of your complaining.
Step 3: Remove all Liquid Death from the premises until they detox with real water
This is crucial. They may have stashes of Liquid Death hidden in places no one would ever want to look, like their shredded underwear drawer or their bass case. Make sure they have a safe place to go through withdrawal where they won’t be a danger to themselves or others, so stay away from Guitar Centers.
Recovery: Keep them away from triggers: no hardcore music til they kick the can. And whatever you do, don’t let them find out about Topo Chico.
New Study Finds that Everything You Thought Was Three Years Ago Was Eight Years Ago
By Mike Moran
FLOYD KNOBS, Ind. — A new independent study revealed that basically anything you think happened around 2022, was probably closer to 2017, if not earlier.
“We can add this to the list of the great mysteries of science. I first hypothesized this peculiar phenomenon after purchasing a Fischer Price Corn Popper for my niece’s birthday, only to discover the toddler had been replaced by a third grader, which was weird because I just visited her not long ago, and the kid was totally a baby,” said horologist Jillian Ford. “What came before the Big Bang? How does anti-matter work? And how the hell has it been eight years since ‘Ozark’ debuted? I’ve studied the phenomenon of time exhaustively, and in my expert opinion, there’s no freakin’ way I’m in my mid-40s, and yet all data points to that being the case.”
Physicist John Demalti was skeptical of Ford’s claims at first, but has since come to realize we are indeed somehow living in the year 2025, a full one-quarter into the 21st century.
“It seems contradictory,” explained Demalti. “But despite the fact that Prince died just a few years ago, he also, apparently, died nearly a decade ago. It’s truly a Fermi Paradox-type situation. Another thing that may seem like a Mandela Effect is that, according to research, there was actually a four-year gap between Trump being president, though at this point it’s still a mystery as to who, if anyone, actually filled the position.”
Those outside of the scientific community were also shocked by this revelation, including electrician Allen “Skip” Malin.
“Call me a chronology snob, but honestly, I liked time better back when eight years could really change things,” said Malin. “I mean talk about shrinkflation. From 1992 to 2000, I went from playing with ninja turtles to starting college. I watched fashion change from glam, to grunge, to goth, to nu-metal. But from 2017 until now, I’m not sure I’ve even changed my sheets. And do people even dress differently than they did eight years ago? I guess it’s about time for us to start having 2010s nostalgia, but what does that even look like? Does fashion even change anymore?”
As of press time, the study also revealed that we, as a society, were somehow closer to 2055 than 1994.
This Film Adaptation of a Popular Video Game Is True to the Source Material: Everyone on Set Was Just Laid Off
BY Nick Coffman
LOS ANGELES — In a surprise move, Warner Brothers Discovery has laid off everyone working on its upcoming unannounced video game adaptation. David Zaslav, WBD CEO and self-proclaimed media mogul, confirmed the layoffs during WBD’s latest earnings call, earlier this week.
“Layoffs are tough, I’ve been told,” Zaslav said in a Zoom video from the comfort of his super yacht, anchored somewhere off the coast of an island poors are not allowed to know about. “Yet, this round of layoffs adds a bit of authenticity to our upcoming video game adaptation. The studio who made the game was recently hit with layoffs, and now we are looking at a similar situation as we work to bring the game to the big screen. I hope fans see how dedicated we are to honoring the source material.”
After forcing two yacht crew members to fight to the death for the entertainment of the shareholders, Zaslav went on to share some additional details about the upcoming adaptation.
“I want you all to know, we are cutting corners wherever we can,” Zaslav said before pointing out a portrait of Jack Welch behind him and reminding everyone that they used to be “Jackin’ Buddies”. “We are leveraging AI to rewrite scenes on the fly, polish all CGI, and to take scoldings from executives who have no idea how to create anything but sadness.”
The video game adaptation, which has been in development for ten years, has reportedly cost the studio over $120 million. WBD CFO, Gunnar Wiedenfels, shared some of his concerns about the ballooning budget of the adaptation.
“I think I speak for everyone on the board when I say I am worried about where we are spending the company’s money,” Gunnar said, before reminding everyone of his genius rebranding of Max to HBO Max. “Why are we spending $100 million on a movie none of us care about? Let’s take a cue from our brothers and sisters at Microsoft. Let’s cut our losses and cut some fat bonus checks, you boners.”
At press time Zaslav bought another yacht from the deck of his old yacht.
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