thehardtimes posts
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Hard Digest August 14: Early Access Gentrification, Pits, Eulogies, and More
Second-Wave Gentrification Threatens To Price Out All of City’s Historic MicrobreweriesBy James KnappSETSONVILLE, Md. — A recent influx of white people who are somehow even more wealthy and entitled than the last bunch caused area microbreweries to fear that they may soon be unable to afford the...
Hard Digest August 13: Gold Medals, Early Access Squatting, Friendships, The Eagles, and More
Olympian Excited to Return Home With Gold Medal and Pawn It For Rent MoneyBy Dan KozuhBALTIMORE, Md. — 23-year-old Olympic champion Erica Webb’s triumphant return home was filled with fanfare and excitement as she can’t wait to pawn her newly-won gold medal to cover her overdue rent, according...
Hard Digest 12: Early Access Velvet Underground Shirts, Nostalgia, Dog Parks, and More
Guy Fleeing From Pack of Escaped Gorillas Regrets Wearing Velvet Underground Shirt to Zoo TodayBy Joe RumrillSAN DIEGO — A frenzied man was pursued by an entire cage of gorillas after they took too strong a liking to his shirt festooned with the recognizable banana-based cover art of “The Velvet...
Hard Digest August 11: Early Access Kamala Harris, Stephen King, Band Chemistry, and More
Kamala Harris Leans Into Cool Aunt Image by Promising Junior Staffers Can Drink Beers in White House BasementBy Trevor GrahamWASHINGTON — Presumptive Democratic nominee Kamala Harris attempted to boost her perception as a “cool aunt” by announcing that if elected she will let junior staff memb...
Hard Digest August 10: Early Access Drum Circles, Brat Girl Summer, Trump, Polly Pocket, and More
Feuding Drum Circles Put Differences Aside to Form One Big Unemployment LineBy Courtney HillSANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Two rival drum circles were forced to reconcile their differences and form one civilized unemployment line, sources willing to get close enough to the crunchy collectives reported.“It...
Hard Digest August 9: Early Access The Decline of Western Civilization, Rare Cheeses, Recycling, Intermittent Fasting, and More
4th Installment of “Decline of Western Civilization” to Focus on Depressing World of Punks Becoming Conservative NutjobsBy Chris BowenLOS ANGELES — The newest installment of the classic punk and heavy metal documentary series “Decline of the Western Civilization” will feature a telling loo...
Hard Digest August 8: Early Access Rotten.com, Joe Biden, Rob Thomas, and More
Harvard Study Concludes that 100% of Millennials Have Rotten.com-Related PTSDBy Ian StefféCAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Researchers at Harvard University determined that 100% of Millennials suffer from PTSD linked to exposure to the website rotten.com, confirmed sources who even winced upon hearing the name...
MVP: White Zombie "More Human Than Human"
This week we travel back to when Rob Zombie started his film-directing career by breaking down White Zombie's "More Human Than Human." So put a giant pumpkin on your head, find your robot friend and settle in for another episode of MVP.
Hard Digest August 7: Trump, Early Access Bullies, Travis Kelce, Juggalo Moms, and More
Trump Regales Conservative Media Outlets With Charming Anecdote About Time He Got Five Innocent Men Arrested In Central ParkBy The Hard Times StaffNEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump charmed conservative podcast host Grant Victoria with a story about the time he helped five innocent men get a...
Hard Digest August 6: RFK JR., Early Access Henry Rollins, Rock Bottom, Stadium Organists, and More
RFK Jr. Reminds Voters He Also Keeps a Monkey With a Handgun on His Nightstand For Self Defense If They Wanna Hear About ThatBy Matt HusserNEW YORK — Independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reminded voters that he also keeps a monkey with a gun next to his bed for self-defense if ...
Hard Digest August 5: Early Access Mugshots, New Genres, Statues, and More
Metalhead Asks if He Can Change Into Morbid Angel Shirt Before Taking MugshotBY DAN KOZUHCLEARWATER, Fla. — Local metalhead Rickey Ray Reynolds asked officers if he could change into his favorite Morbid Angel t-shirt before his mugshot was taken after being arrested for public intoxication, disord...
Hard Digest August 4: Early Access Phones, Lit, The Rolling Stones, and More
STUDY: Fuck It, Scrolling on Your Phone Before Bed Actually Good For YouBY MALIA SIMONBOSTON – Researchers at Harvard University studying the negative effects of phone usage before bed concluded that nothing fucking matters and you should do whatever you want if you it makes you feel good.“Hones...
Hard Digest August 3: Early Access Taylor Swift, Prisons, Fascism, The Blair Witch Project, and More
Taylor Swift Releases Album to Overshadow Friend’s Engagement AnnouncementBY SEAN FALLONNASHVILLE, Tenn. — Michelle Reynolds was horrified to find her recent engagement announcement completely overshadowed by her friend Taylor Swift intentionally releasing an album on the same day, confirmed une...
Hard Digest August 2: Early Access Buckcherry, Metallica, Garbage Blooms, Trauma, and More
Buckcherry Wonders If They Suck Too Much or Not Enough for Ironic NostalgiaBY JACKY PRITCHARDBOONVILLE, N.Y. — Frequently ridiculed rock band Buckcherry were curious if they were disparaged too much or not enough in the past 25 years to be included in the ironic nostalgia bucket, with the likes of...
Hard Digest August 1: JD Vance, Early Access Chino Moreno, No Doubt. JoAnn Fabrics, and More
JD Vance Further Angers Nation By Claiming “Childless Tarantula Guys” Are Pretty Cool ThoughBY BOBBY KORECMIDDLETOWN, Ohio — Republican vice presidential nominee JD Vance continued to infuriate the nation by claiming that men who are childfree and own tarantulas are actually kind of cool, conf...
MVP: Dinosaur Jr. "Feel the Pain
This week on "MVP Bill and Dan head back to the year 1994 to talk about Dinosaur Jr's "Feel the Pain" and learn a lot about golf along the way. Watch the video then listen to the show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXkN3nJyWEA
Hard Digest July 31: Boycotts, Simone Biles, AI Taco Bell, Early Access HitClips, Broken Arms, Weezer, and More
Officials Confirm Olympic Games “May Never Recover” From Rob Schneider BoycottBY DAN RICEPARIS — International Olympics Committee spokesperson Mark Adams confirmed that the 3000-year-old world amateur sporting contest was “Unlikely to continue” in the wake of a boycott issued by Hollywood ...
Hard Digest July 30: JD Vance, Early Access Nu Metal, Mitochondria, Vintage Shirts, and More
JD Vance Catching More Backlash After Saying Women Over 30 Shouldn’t Be HappyBY BEN FRIEDMANST. CLOUD, Minn. — Vice Presidential nominee J.D. Vance found himself in hot water again over his views regarding childless women at a recent rally after stating that women over the age of 30 are not supp...
Hard Digest July 29: Olympic Skateboarding, Venezuela, Early Access Wedding DJ, Enzyte, Bedbugs, and More
Olympic Skateboarding Competition Interrupted by Irate Woman Who Says the Noise Is Scaring Her DogBY TREVOR GRAHAMPARIS — The Olympic men’s street skateboarding final was interrupted mid-competition by a visibly flustered woman who said the sounds were scaring her dog, sources who remember when ...
Hard Digest July 28: Early Access Metalheads, Instagram, Classic Rock, and More
Metalhead Wakes from Horrible Nightmare Where Vest Had SleevesBY NATHAN KAMALEUGENE, Ore. — Local metalhead and part-time barista Oscar “Grouch” Palmer woke from a horrible nightmare in which his treasured denim vest had somehow grown terrifying, constricting sleeves, nearby sources confirmed....
Hard Digest July 27: Early Access Chappell Roan, Mental Health, Rural Vegans, Saying No, and More
Nice! Woman Who Called You Homophobic Slurs in High School So Excited to See Chappell RoanBY SARAH CASSELLBOSTON – Local bully Veronica Coughlin, who took immense joy in calling classmates homophobic slurs in high school, is reportedly so excited to see Chappell Roan in concert, confirmed sources ...
Hard Digest July 26: Early Access Knockd Loose, Wilco, Cybertrucks, Adult Friendships, and More
ASPCA Adoptions Up 600% After Replacing Sarah McLachlan Song with Knocked Loose Screaming “ARF ARF” on LoopBY JOHN DANEKNEW YORK — The ASPCA announced that adoptions have increased over 600% after switching their long-standing advertising music from Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” with a two-s...
Hard Digest July 25: Early Access Harsh Noise, North Korea, Five Finger Death Punch, and More
Harsh Noise Show Audience Unaware Fire Alarm Has Been Going off Past 45 MinutesBY JOE RUMRILLBLOOMFIELD, Conn. — All 12 attendees of a sold-out harsh noise show were reportedly oblivious to the blaring fire alarm meant to notify them the building was on fire, sources confirmed amidst the uproar....
MVP: Civ "Can't Wait One Minute More"
Today on the podcast Bill and Dan go deep into the Youtube archives and dig out a certified gem of a music video from Civ. If you don't like this music video you can suck an egg, we loved it, listen to the show, share it with a friend. Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRwm6kFz3do
Hard Digest July 24: Early Access Grateful Dead, Punctuality, Budweiser Frogs, and More
Only Two Punctual People in Friend Group Sick of Hanging Out With One AnotherBY CHARLES BILLDETROIT — Paula Thorne and Jesse Riggins, the only two frequently on-time people in a friend group, are reportedly absolutely sick of hanging out with one another for hours while they wait for everyone else...
Hard Digest July 23: Early Access Funerals, Quiznos, Cornholio, and More
Goth’s Funeral Attendees Unsure of Which Hearse to FollowBY DREW GIGISTACOMA, Wash. — Mourners attending the funeral for local goth legend Joshua Proach, also known as Alistair Nightfall, weren’t sure which of the several hearses was the correct one hauling the deceased to the cemetery, confus...
Hard Digest July 22: Clarence Thomas, Early Access Dave Matthews Band, Dancing, Nature Valley, and More
Giggling Clarence Thomas Spends Entire Night Chatting on Phone With Donald Trump About Ways to Block Kamala Harris NominationBY THE HARD TIMES STAFFWASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the entire night laughing and talking on the phone with former President Trump abo...
Hard Digest July 21: BIDEN DROPS OUT, Early Access Rob Halford, License to Ill, Favorite Bands, and More
Biden Cancels Campaign Citing Low Ticket SalesBY GARY KERLSWASHINGTON — President Joe Biden announced he would be scrapping his plans for a reelection campaign citing low ticket sales due to his waning popularity with almost everyone in the United States, sources confirmed.“Listen Jack, this was...
Hard Digest July 20th: Early Access Ted Nugent, Machine Gun Kelly, Joe Biden, and Morbid Angel
Ted Nugent Develops Gas-Powered Guitar As A Fuck You To Climate Activist HippiesBY DREW GIGISFARMINGTON, Mich. — Legendary rockstar, and noted climate change denier Ted Nugent excitedly unveiled the world’s first gas-powered guitar to stick it to the tree-hugging hippies, sources stated.“Clima...
Hard Digest July 19: Kid Rock, Early Access Project 2025, Discovery Zone, Metal, Nostradamus, and More
Global Internet Self-Destructs After Having to Livestream Kid Rock RNC PerformanceBY TREVOR GRAHAMSEATTLE — Microsoft officials revealed the global internet outage affecting airlines and critical infrastructure systems around the world was caused when the computer programs running the software sel...
