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Hard Digest July 29: Olympic Skateboarding, Venezuela, Early Access Wedding DJ, Enzyte, Bedbugs, and More
🕑 Added 2024-07-30 00:00:05 +0000 UTCOlympic Skateboarding Competition Interrupted by Irate Woman Who Says the Noise Is Scaring Her Dog
BY PARIS — The Olympic men’s street skateboarding final was interrupted mid-competition by a visibly flustered woman who said the sounds were scaring her dog, sources who remember when skating was a lot cooler confirmed.
“All these kids need to stop what they’re doing here right now because it’s making way too much noise and it’s scaring Monsieur Bonbon!,” said Carine Buchard standing in the middle of the street course holding a small white dog. “These kids do not belong here. This is a nice neighborhood for real Olympic sports like gymnastics and water polo. This is not some place for these drug dealers to play. Can’t they go do their skateboarding tricks on a half-pike somewhere else?”
Although the woman’s actions delayed the competition, some of the skater athletes say they actually did not mind the interruption.
“Yeah, it honestly didn’t bother me to see that lady out there yelling at all of us. If anything it made it feel like a real skate session,” said skater Tom Schaar. “I’m from Malibu and I’ve been a little homesick since coming to Paris but having some lady in expensive athleisure wear holding a small dog telling me to go skate somewhere else really made me feel right at home. It really hit home when she pretended to cry and claimed we were attacking her.”
Olympic officials say the interruption has given them new insights into the world of skateboarding and that it may have been a blessing in disguise.
“After speaking with some of the athletes we have concluded that someone trying to stop these skateboarders’ fun is very authentic and true to the sport,” said Olympic official Donald Reeves. “We are looking to possibly add a ‘Karen evasion’ component to future competitions. We need to make sure this will not give an unfair advantage to Team USA however as those competitors may have vast experience trying to skate in uptight, entitled areas and will easily win that portion of the competition.”
At press time, Ms. Buchard was quoted as saying she is looking to call the local Parks Department after coming across “A bunch of mountain bikers doing some kind of a race on the trail I took my dog on.”
CIA A Little Insulted Venezuela Held Sham Election Without Them
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
WASHINGTON — The US State Department held an emergency press conference this morning expressing that it was honestly a little bit insulted that the CIA was not invited to participate in Venezuela’s allegedly rigged election, officials have confirmed.
“We’re not saying the Venezuelan government can’t pack the election commission with loyalists, it just would’ve been nice to be invited that’s all. Sure we tried to plot a coup to oust Maduro, but we said we’re sorry and those sanctions were just for show! But finding this all out from a Snapchat from Argentina about Maduro claiming victory before the votes were even counted was a dagger through the heart,” said CIA spokesperson Jeff Wallace. “Now the official U.S. response has to be about condemning the election’s ‘integrity and transparency’ and not because they never asked for weapons to squash the opposition.”
Venezuelan government officials stated that they are able to hold a sham election without the United States hovering over them.
“We love the CIA’s work, but they don’t have to be involved with every backdoor shadow government scheme in Latin America. It’s hard enough maintaining a vice-like grip on an election when half your country lives below poverty, but I think we learned enough from them over the past 40 years where we can fly on our own. We’re totally capable of deploying our own machine gun toting paramilitary loyalists to prevent opposition voters from protesting the results,” said Hector Cordero. “We appreciate their efforts to control the region, but President Maduro wants to prove to the world that his cabinet can be openly violent and corrupt all by itself.”
Historians noted that this break from letting the CIA interfere with an election was nothing short of historic.
“Manipulating elections is as American as apple pie, and as nefarious as that sounds the CIA has every right to feel like Maduro is being a backstabbing bitch. Not even a text like ‘hey, can you help us block an opposition party nomination and crush a former diplomat in this election?’ or anything,” said Margaret Furman. “Venezuela is acting like they’re too good for assistance from a resource hungry superpower in exchange for oil. It’s a little ungrateful if you ask me, and it’ll probably blow up in their faces when the inevitable coup arrives and the U.S. won’t help Maduro flee.”
As of press time, the CIA announced that in an act of retaliation, Venezuela would be sanctioned from attending the agency’s Christmas party.
Wedding DJ Shocked to Learn Any Music Has Been Recorded After 1998
BY DAN KOZUH
ST. LOUIS — Local wedding DJ Ron “Mixmaster” McAllister was left in a state of utter bewilderment last Saturday after discovering that all music did not, in fact, cease to be produced after the year 1998, confirmed baffled sources.
“I was flabbergasted. I genuinely thought that the ‘Cha Cha Slide’ was the last song ever put down,” admitted McAllister, whose music collection truncates with Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from the “Armageddon” soundtrack. “Who are these Taylor Swift and Ice Spice people? I thought the music ended when it had peaked with Goo Goo Dolls, Whitney Houston, and Boyz II Men. I had no idea that people kept making new music after that. I mean, why would they when you already have Bryan Adams’ ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It for You’? You can’t go up from there.”
However, local newlyweds Jessica and Mike Stevens wanted to share their first dance to one of their favorite chart-toppers from the 2010s, which only confused McAllister.
“We asked if he could play our song ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran and [McAlister] just stared at us blankly. I mean, it’s a really popular song, people actually make fun of us for picking such a basic song,” said the bride, who burst into tears when McAllister played “The Chicken Dance.” “So we asked for ‘Get Lucky’ by Pharrell Williams, ‘Levitating’ by Dua Lipa, or anything by Post Malone or Chappell Roan. He didn’t even realize we were listing musicians. Christ, we would have even taken ‘Blurred Lines.’”
Dr. Christina Harmon, professor of Wedding Music Theory at Washington University, is quite familiar with this all too common phenomenon.
“Most wedding DJs are at least 20 years behind the curve of popular music. You can still hear ‘Macarena,’ ‘Achy Breaky Heart,’ and ‘YMCA’ at most weddings, as if nothing better has come out since. It might get the parent’s dancing, but newlyweds don’t want to hear it,” Dr. Harmon explained. “Most of these DJs got their start in the ’80s and ’90s and never updated their playlists. The result is an endless loop of ‘The Electric Slide,’ ‘Shout,’ and ‘Don’t Stop Believin.’ It’s as if these DJs are frozen in time, oblivious to the evolution of music past the days of ‘The Hokey Pokey’ and ‘Sweet Caroline.'”
As of press time, McAllister admits that he has fallen behind in the times and has announced that he will start investing in Compact Discs as a means to catch up with modern trends and has already added PSY’s “Gangnam Style” to his repertoire.
Wow! “Smilin’ Bob” From the Enzyte Commercials Still Has an Erection Despite Being Dead for 6 Years
BY CHRIS BOWEN
If you’re over the age of 30, and like me, incessantly watched TV while every other kid you knew was outside skateboarding, you probably remember Smilin’ Bob. You know, the creepy guy on the commercial for the erectile dysfunction pills called Enzyte. The whistling, the ear-to-ear smile, the stupid waving etc. Well, a research team at Montana State University-Northern, seemingly bit by the nostalgia bug, decided to catch up with him. While hard to believe, the results are throbbing with amazement.
However, the team catching up with Smilin’ Bob found that it would be no easy task.
“Our team scoured the internet for several minutes before coming to the conclusion that Bob had in fact died in federal prison 6 years ago…but that wasn’t going to hold us back,” Gary Neldridge MSU researcher and project lead explained. “Nostalgia is one heck of a drug, so a couple colleagues and myself grabbed some masks and some shovels, then went off to the Berkeley County cemetery!”
After about 45 minutes of aggressive digging, what they discovered was something none of them could ever have imagined.
“When we popped the casket, and the dust cleared, we all immediately noticed the same thing: Smilin’ Bob’s skull had that patented grin on his face! It was pretty cool, I must say! It was a remarkable find…..Oh, we also noticed his corpse still had a throbbing erection as well,” Neldridge stated. “But how cool was it to have a TV icon right in front of our very own eyes?!”
The team decided to take it a bit further, really trying to get into the life of the man behind the boner.
“Since we had access to Bob’s corpse, which had been remarkably preserved due to the sheer amount of Enzyte that was in his body when he died,” a researcher said. “We thought, ‘the world needs to know the truth behind Bob’s death and that the story of him bleeding to death after a barbell from the prison weight room dropped on his perma-boner was all a myth! Because as we could see, it was all still there, and clearly still functioning even after being dead and buried for all those years.”
Enzyte is a thing of the past now, we’ll never really know how Smilin’ Bob left this mortal coil. Could it have been boner pill-related? Maybe he smiled at the wrong person while being locked up in federal prison? One thing we do know, is that Bob is still Smilin’ even in the grave, and so is his wife!
Landlord Fines Tenant for Undisclosed Roommates After Reporting Bedbug Infestation
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
QUEENS, N.Y. — Local man Nate McKellen was shocked to find that his landlord slapped him with a massive fine for housing undisclosed roommates after reporting a bedbug infestation in his apartment, other building tenants have confirmed.
“Listen, it specifically states on the lease that anyone renting an apartment with multiple tenants, be they possess vertebrae or thorax, has to get the OK from me first. It feels like Nate was reporting this alleged infestation after they wouldn’t pay rent or something, and wants me to kick them out for him,” said landlord Terry Franklin. “$10 per roommate is more than fair, especially when you’re talking about five hundred of them. He thought he could get away with it, but you can’t pull a fast one on old Terry.”
McKellen was blindsided by his landlord’s accusation of trying to split the rent between hundreds of blood-sucking insects.
“I am literally throwing out everything I own and this guy has the balls to tape a letter to my door insinuating that I invited these fuckers? I pay $3,000 a month for a studio with black mold, bad plumbing, and a radiator that never shuts off no matter how hot it is. Apparently, now it’s my fault he never sprays for bugs,” said McKellen as he was throwing trash bags of clothing out of his window. “Does he think I put out a Craigslist ad for hundreds of parasites to move in and we’re all just having a grand old time here? I’m not surprised, after all this is the same guy who tried to hit me with a small pet fee after I reported a huge rat in my kitchen last month. Maybe I’ll mail him some of my ‘roommates’ with my fine.”
Tenant rights advocates noted these kinds of fines are sadly becoming more commonplace.
“Property ownership has increasingly become a game of how hard you can fuck your renters, and much of said fucking has come in the form of gratuitous fines and infractions. We’ve fought back against plenty of landlords and their frivolous penalties like the one guy who alleged his tenant was illegally subletting to a ghost,” said Megan Williams. “These people should take a good look in the mirror next time they want to fine someone for bugs, since they clearly need a reminder who’s the real vermin.”
As of press time, McKellen was served an eviction notice after his landlord had also accused him of operating an illegal Airbnb for carpenter ants.
Local Museum Just, Like, Full
BY KYLE DUGGAN
ANIMAL VILLAGE — Multiple sources have confirmed that the local branch of the Farway Museum has, like, absolutely no room for new exhibits or artifacts.
“You see, I’ve only been allotted so much space to display our collection,” said Blathers, the museum’s curator. “Resident Services are a bit sticky about that, eh wot. It’s actually astonishing how much we’ve been able to fit in here, given the tiny plot of land allocated to us. We’ve even expanded a little over time. Alas, we have no room for duplicate items. If I could purchase them for my own collection, I would. Unfortunately, I am but a humble curator and lack the endowment necessary for such transactions, so I must simply reject any donations for items or animals we are already exhibiting. Plus, I can’t say that I like the idea of a beetle having a comrade.”
Ai Villager, the Animal Village resident who donated the entirety of the museum’s collection, said she was confused and disappointed by the policy.
“Don’t museums usually have extensive archives for this kind of stuff?” said Ai. “This island is a hotbed for fossils from literally every geological era. It makes no sense to not have a catalog of fossils from different individuals for comparative purposes. Hell, I don’t know, buy a 3D-scanner so you can at least have a digital version to examine. But it’s not just fossils. I found a second legitimate copy of the Mona Lisa—you know, the most famous painting of all time? No one even knew it existed! I brought it to the museum, but Blathers wasn’t interested. I had nowhere to put it. Now, a groundbreaking historical discovery is in the mitts of a couple of juvenile raccoons. That doesn’t seem like it’s good for anyone.”
Robert Farway, president and lead curator of the Farway Museum, noted that Blather’s policy was not unusual.
“I’m not saying I approve of the practice, but I know it is a common approach in our provincial branches as well as independent rural museums,” said Farway. “Places like Pelican Town’s renowned Library & Museum face a similar issue regarding space, and the museum on Coral Island follows an identical policy. I’m told things are much the same in a place called Dinkum, but frankly I was overwhelmed and confused when I heard about that situation. I suppose it’s better than nothing. Those poor souls in Cozy Grove can only see their collections in a journal.”
At press time, the museum’s cafe claimed to have almost no available seating despite being entirely empty.
We Asked Youtooz Who The Fuck All These People Are
BY BEN CHERRY M
Since the dawn of pop culture, vinyl collectibles have been a highly sought-after addition to any media’s merchandise repertoire. As production has become more accessible, companies such as Youtooz have popped up, allowing anyone with a modicum of internet following to get their own figure collection through sponsorships.
The only problem being that, beyond the big names like Jacksepticeye, MrBeast and various brand partnerships, nobody seems to know who all these content creators are.
“It diversifies the brand, you know? More people means more money coming in, means more names under our belt, means brand loyalty,” said Youtooz 3D modeler Jensen Kiersten. “And, like, if we get it big enough, we’ll be immune to controversy. Who’s gonna complain about who we sign on when everyone’s got Youtooz of their unproblematic faves?”
As of late, this has been tested with recent Youtooz releases, ranging from controversial adult animated series Big Mouth to plush penises. Recently, the company revealed tie-in Helluva Boss figures — another show with past controversies.
“Wait, what the fuck, they made Big Mouth ones?” said outraged collector Sandra Neil, who runs a popular YouTube channel centered around informed media consumption. “I thought they were just Established Titles but for cheap figures! They pay you to shill, and give you a little Funko of yourself! And isn’t Big Mouth the show about kids fucking?”
Upon correction that Big Mouth is a satirical adult comedy about coming-of-age and teen sexuality, Sandra adjusted her statement.
“Well, that’s not as bad, but it was still weird when that one character fucked a pillow and it was alive and had little pillow children. They didn’t make a figure of the pillow, did they?” Sandra added, while removing her various Youtooz from her collector’s shelf.
Currently, Youtooz has not released a figure or plush fitting that description, although they have made a figure of Nick, the main character, who sources in the collecting community describe as ‘looking like a dog about to piss itself’ and ‘an affront to Funko.’
“We got a few uggos in there,” said a source from Youtooz upper management who requested to remain anonymous. “To be frank, we just search keywords on YouTube and filter by popular. Then we send out sponsorship emails. I don’t even know who JellyBean is, but the kids like ’em, so who really cares?”
At press time, rumor had it the next Youtooz drop would be of budding TikTok Star Osama Bin Laden.
5 Online Games That Look Just Educational Enough to Trick Your Substitute Teacher
BY PETER CUNIS
You walk into your classroom and realize with a shiver of elation that you have a substitute teacher today. Soon, it’s tech time, which means it’s time to find a game online that you can plausibly tell the teacher is, “something you’re allowed to play because it’s educational.”
We’ve compiled a list of games that look educational enough to satisfy an exhausted freelancer who just wants to get to the end of the day without talking to you for too long.
1. Casino World Free Online Poker
This one requires some thinking ahead. We recommend only playing Free Online Poker if you know at least a day ahead of time that you will have a substitute, since you’ll need to steal your Dad’s credit card. Once you’re set up, however, just tell the sub that you’re “studying probability.” They’ll nod in appreciation and wander back to their desk.
2. Roblox
Before playing Roblox, evaluate the age of the sub. If they’re over 30, chances are they’ll see geometric shapes on your screen and assume you’re learning about polyhedrons or some crap. If the sub is under 20, however, you’ll have to do a little extra work. You’ll need to make your avatar a shirt that says “Numerator” on the back and change your username to “Multiples of 12”. That should be enough.
3. Runescape
Technically, Runescape is old enough to count as a history project in some curriculums, but even if it doesn’t, you should have no trouble passing this game off as educational. Turn down the graphics settings, and Runescape looks identical to any history game you’d play on IXL or ABCmouse or whatever weird program your school uses.
4. Minecraft, but make sure to build some things first
Minecraft is unfortunately pretty recognizable. Statistically, you own a backpack that gives away what Minecraft is. So if you want to play Minecraft with a sub around, start by building the following:
A big red “2”
A big blue “+”
A big yellow “1”
Congratulations! Depending on your grade, you’re either learning your colors or learning addition.
5. Fortnite, but with some preparation
If you want to play Fortnite on your school computer, you’re going to need to bribe the tech guy early in the school year. A couple of Starbucks gift cards should do the trick. Next, you’ll need to purchase and equip the Peabody skin. Once you’ve done these things, all you have to do is tell the substitute you’re playing a “nutrition game.” Never mind that nobody plays games about nutrition anymore. They did when that sub was in school. Ask your parents about Chex Quest sometime.
