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Hard Digest July 21: BIDEN DROPS OUT, Early Access Rob Halford, License to Ill, Favorite Bands, and More
🕑 Added 2024-07-22 00:00:10 +0000 UTCBiden Cancels Campaign Citing Low Ticket Sales
BY GARY KERLS
WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden announced he would be scrapping his plans for a reelection campaign citing low ticket sales due to his waning popularity with almost everyone in the United States, sources confirmed.
“Listen Jack, this was a tough decision. But we looked at the numbers and we just can’t make it work. With the price of gas for Air Force One it just doesn’t make economic sense for me to fly all over the country and keep fighting,” said a somber President Biden while being held up by two Secret Service members. “We had a good run, I got to give billions of dollars in weapons to some of my favorite people in the world and I’ll be forever grateful to be a part of their genocide. I know the next Democrat in office will carry on that legacy with grace and empathy. For the next few months, I’ll be playing some intimate local rallies, but my time in the spotlight is nearly over. I’m looking forward to living the last few weeks of my life as a civilian.”
Those calling for Biden to drop out of the race were excited to hear the news.
“This is amazing. It’s refreshing to see Biden being so honest. I was expecting maybe he would say some bullshit like he was checking into rehab, or maybe the tried and true ‘exhaustion’ excuse we see so often,” said Leon Anthony. “It’s tough to admit to the fact nobody likes you anymore, but he also needs to realize nobody ever liked him to begin with. All of this could have been avoided if the DNC hadn’t fucked things up so badly four years ago, but hey, the world is burning, the oceans are boiling, maybe none of us will be around in November anyway.”
Political scientist Dr. Andrea Klein of Yale University admits to being overwhelmed by the volume of news leading up to the 2024 election.
“Quite frankly, I’m exhausted. I just want one day, one fucking day, where there isn’t some news that ruins my plans. Just today I was out to lunch with my pregnant daughter and Biden dropped out of the race before we got the bill, suddenly I have 40 news outlets texting and calling me for a statement,” said Dr. Klein. “Remember when Mitt Romney had ‘binders full of women’ and that was the biggest news story? It wasn’t even that long ago, can we please go back to that? I really can’t handle this shit anymore.”
At press time, Trump’s campaign mangers were devising more ways to get the former President shot in order to get him more positive coverage.
Rob Halford Receives Final Warning for Riding Motorcycle Inside Costco
BY PHOENIX – Heavy metal icon and singer of Judas Priest Rob Halford reportedly received a final warning for riding his motorcycle inside his local Costco, startled sources rushing from his path confirmed.
“Frankly, we’ve been extremely lenient with Mr. Halford up until now,” said Tara Becker, general manager for the bulk-grocery chain’s Phoenix location. “While we certainly appreciate his business, we simply can no longer accept him slowly rolling his Harley Davidson into this store amidst smoke from machines he’s surreptitiously installed on either side of the door. The sound of him revving the engine alone is enough to frighten away our customers who are just trying to enjoy our myriad low prices on name-brand products. We’ll have no choice but to revoke his membership if he does this again.”
Halford expressed dismay at this treatment, but appeared resolute in not altering his behavior going forward.
“You don’t become a metal god by bowing down to every demand made to you by authority figures,” the singer scoffed while adjusting his signature jewel-bedazzled leather jacket and cabbie hat. “I’ve been riding my motorcycles on stage for decades to millions of Judas Priest fans, so I don’t see why Costco should be any different. Why should my monthly outing for groceries and cat food be any less epic than singing ‘Hell Bent for Leather’ to thousands of screaming metalheads?”
Cultural psychologist Jamaal Wilkins remarked that such an attitude is common amongst prolific musicians in the metal and punk genres.
“Mr. Halford is certainly no exception when it comes to this type of conduct,” said Wilkins. “There is a long history of artists carrying their on-stage antics into inappropriate settings. GG Allin was famously banned from all K-Mart locations for defecating on the floor in the electronics department, and Ben Weinman is no longer welcome in Guitar Center after climbing and immediately falling off a Marshall Stack display in a New Jersey store. Once one has spent years living concurrently as both a performer and an everyday citizen, it can become increasingly difficult to toggle between the two.”
“I have to add, though,” Wilkins concluded, “that those dweebs at Costco are totally overreacting. Priest rules.”
At press time, Halford was spared from further castigation when store employees were called to the Personal Care section to address a shirtless Iggy Pop cutting his chest open with a package of men’s razor blades.
Opinion: Frankly I’m Surprised That Qualifying for a “License to Ill” Requires So Much Paperwork
BY DAN RICE
Well, this was certainly unexpected. Here I am, a relatively law-abiding American citizen, trying to submit my application for a simple “License To Ill” only to get railroaded by the bureaucracy down at the county clerk’s office again. Why can’t things just be easy for once?
Also, I think it’s strange that “Ill Licensure” has its own office. Couldn’t they save a lot of money by just having it handled by the Public Works department?
Of course, I expected there to be some paperwork involved with me becoming a fully credentialed “iller.” But why in the love of fuck do I need to provide five years worth of tax returns to prove that I have 51% of my estate dedicated to “dope chillin’” at all times. That seems like something I should be able to provide on rep alone without it being filled out in triplicate.
And the clerk in this office absolutely reeks of salvia. He definitely did not file those 1040s properly.
All I want to be able to do with this license is fight for my right to party within a completely above board capacity, which will already be difficult since the License To Ill is only valid in Williamsburg and parts of Red Hook for some reason. I mean why even have the license if you’re gonna make it impossible to apply for and even then restrict it so much?
You know how most government offices have a little tray with coffee in the waiting room? Well this one just has a box filled with orange juice and forties of malt liquor, so that’s nice at least.
So now they’re saying that I need to refile all of my previous paperwork because “the beat was dropped” in my last application. I’m not even sure what that means so maybe this whole idea was a non-starter. I think I’m just gonna mix myself one more brass money for the road. Boy, it’s gonna be a pretty sloppy subway ride back to Brooklyn for me.
Man On Day Two Of Meltdown After Being Asked Favorite Band
BY KEENE, N.H. — Local man Wesley Peck is on day two of an absolute meltdown after being asked what his favorite band is, unsurprised sources confirmed.
“Sure, I have favorite bands, but to narrow it down to just one, that’s an impossible task. Why would someone put me in that situation? It’s like asking me to summarize my entire life experience in a tweet,” said Peck as he paced back and forth. “Maybe Every Time I Die? It shows I’m a little hardcore, a little metal. But I don’t want people to think I’m just a metalcore dude. And it’s gotta be more obscure. Maybe Earth would do the trick. The Black-Sabbath’s-old-name thing should play well. But I’m not sure if drone metal gets to the core of who I really am. I could just say Sabbath, but that’s so mainstream. Or The Weakerthans, but that’s not hardcore. What if I just said ‘you wouldn’t have heard of them anyway.’ Oh, that’s pretty good! But is it too pretentious? Fuck!”
Bonnie Garcia, a friend of a friend, was unintentionally responsible for this meltdown.
“I was just trying to make conversation. I had no idea my question would kick off a full-on identity crisis. It started out innocently enough; he’d start to answer, stutter, then stare off into the distance,” said Garcia. “It escalated quickly though. By his fourth attempt, I could almost see smoke pouring out of his ears. He finally asked if he could get back to me before storming off. My other friends said they haven’t seen him since. They’re planning a candlelight vigil for Friday.”
Henley Payne, a social psychologist, understands how serious a favorite band can be.
“If you dedicate your life to the music you love and build your personality around it, trying to pick just one band can be a monumental feat. It’s like asking the cast of ‘Sister Wives’ to pick a favorite child–a lot easier if you only have a couple to pick from,” said Payne. “We’ve all heard of decision paralysis, but this is the next level. No one thinks picking pasta sauce epitomizes who you are as a person. Well, unless you pick Ragu. I just can’t imagine having that little self-esteem.”
At press time, Peck had emerged and finally found Garcia to share his favorite band, to which she responded, “I’ll check them out, what’s your favorite song?”
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