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Sibling Feud (Draft 1)
🕑 Added 2020-01-09 03:31:12 +0000 UTC
A draft of the attached scene for Sibling Feud. Idk, it feels clunky and melodramatic to me. It's still a draft, so please pardon any grammar issues/barebone bits. Story feedback and critique is greatly appreciated!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Aren't you going to knock?"
Huck faltered, his knuckles still hovering over the worn oak door. "....Ain't too late to turn back, y'know." He glanced back to his companion, attempting to bargain. "We could forget this whole hare-brained idea. We could go back home, have a nice dinner, I could even bake that velvet cake you like...."
"Why, Monsieur Huckleberry, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were scared." Belle teased.
"I ain't scared." Huck scoffed, "It's just this.....This-" He gestured vaguely at the weather-battered house, the brown, patchy yard littered with busted toys and scraps of random farm machinery. "...This weren't much of a happy home, Belle. There's a reason I never came back. I'm a Hooffield, like my Pa.......But my Ma is a McColt."
"Isn't that a good thing?" Belle raised an eyebrow. "I thought the feud between the Hooffields and the McColts ended ages ago."
"Oh, it did." Huck conceded, "Ma and Pa were young when the fighting finally ended, and them gettin hitched was s'pozed to be a union of peace between our two families." He folded his arms with a huff. "....Didn't work, of course. Turns out nothin' shy of alicorn intervention can stop a Hooffield and a McColt from feudin'. I can't remember a time Ma and Pa weren't fighting."
Belle frowned. "Surely there was a reason they stayed together? Fighting all the time sounds exhausting."
Huck smirked at that. "Welcome to the family."
And he knocked.
With a creak, the front door pushed open. A small, dirty face appeared- lean cheeks, bristly hair- and only one eye, Belle realized with a start. The boy regarded Belle with total apathy- before his gaze landed on Huck. "...Well, well." He rasped, "The prodigal son returns. You gotta lot of nerve showin' yer sorry hide 'round here again."
"Nice to see you too, Snap." Huck ruffled the boy's mane fondly- a little roughly- and laughed when the colt swatted at him. "What're you doin' answerin' the door? Where's Ma and Pa? And Waffles an' Okra an' the rest? I kinda got somepony important here I want 'em to meet." He looped an arm around Belle, who blushed.
Snap narrowed his eyes at Belle. "All the grown-ups are over at Meemaw's. Her moonshine still combusted an' her whole house burnt down. I'm stuck here watchin the lil' ones." He gestured to two tinier siblings peering out from behind him- both jumped at being suddenly spotted. Belle waved at them, but they only looked nervously to Snapper, retreating behind him. The filly braved a glance at Huck, then pointed. "Snapper, it's Bubba." She whispered, tugging at Snap's sleeve, but he shushed her.
"That's right, it's me! Bubba's back, y'all!" Huck grinned and stooped low, trying to coax out the children, but Snapper leaned against the doorway frame, blocking them from view.
"Naw, t'ain't possible", Snap drawled. "Bubba wouldn't'a ditched us to go cavortin' about in Canterlot. An' he certainly wouldn't'a come crawlin' back years later, sportin' a dorky ass haircut and yuppie clothes, without so much as an apology."
Huck pouted, self-consciously patting his hair. Belle sniggered. "Goodness, Huckleberry, he's a miniature version of you."
"Please don't insult me to my face, ma'am." Snapper paused, squinting at Belle. "....Or is it he?" He smirked at Huck. "Hey, turkeyneck, does yer girlfriend have a beard?"
"Golly, nothing gets past you, does it, smarty-pants? I'll bet you bring home all the good boy stickers from kindergarten." Belle smiled, then booped Snap's nose. Snapper scrunched up his muzzle, offended.
”Keen on showing us you can still see with that one eye, huh? Got half a mind to toss you down the water well." Huck scowled. "Belle, this ungentlemanly little snot is my brother, Red Snapper. The brats cowerin' behind him are my littlest sister, Pickled Plum-" He pointed to the lavender filly, who stuck out her tongue at the pair, "And my youngest brother, Critter Stew." He gestured at the smallest child, whose face was hidden behind a mop of curly crimson hair. At first he seemed shy, but when nudged by Plum and Snapper, he bared wonky snaggle-teeth at his eldest brother.
"Runts, this is Belle Velour, a fashion designer from Canterlot, and currently my nearest and dearest main squeeze."
"Canterlot, huh?" Snap pondered aloud, "....Thought it was all fat cats an' unicorns there. What's a dumb ol' packmule doin' in the big city?" He snickered, eyeing Belle's long ears. Plum and Critter both laughed, neither entirely sure what the punchline was, but eager to back Snapper up in front of two intimidating adults. Snapper was busy glancing from Huck to Belle, checking- a little desperately- to see if his insults had landed. Belle, to his immense disappointment, only looked amused.
"You'll have to speak a little louder, buttercup." Belle pinched Snap's cheek, cooing as though he were a foal. "Can't hear you when you mumble."
Huck leaned down so that his snout nearly touched Snapper's. "Your opinion on the matter is entirely irrelevant, so why dont ya do us all a favor and keep that big mouth of yers shut, huh?" He hooked a hand under Snap's jaw and gently clicked it shut. "Belle is my partner, and they are to be treated with respect at all times. Got it?"
"Or what?" Snapper challenged, beginning to bristle. "You ain't been home in years, you think you can just show up with some.....some high falutin floozy an' expect us to-"
"Or this." Huck grasped the neck of Snapper's shirt, scruffing him like an angry kitten. With unhurried ease, he lifted the struggling boy and hitched him upon a nearby coat hook. Snapper dangled by his shirt, kicking and cussing. It was a harmless punishment, but Snap looked mortified, his cheeks flushing red with fury. "Hey! Let me down!"
Plum and Critter, distressed and helpless at their brother's predicament, and immediately launched a counterattack. Plum kicked ineffectually at Huck's shins, while Critter latched onto his arm, growling and biting as best he could with blunt baby teeth. "You meanie!"
"You're just a big bully!" Plum cried.
"You traitor!" Snapper howled. "We never wanted you back!"
As shouting filled the air and Huck tried to dislodge the swarming children, Belle pinched the bridge of their nose. "Enough!"
Everypony froze, all eyes snapping to Belle. At the sight of the mule's frosty glare, hands planted firmly on hips- every sibling immediately straightened.
"Huck Hooffield, I'm disappointed in you." Belle glowered. "Your siblings are one-hundred percent correct. You owe them an apology."
"What?" Huck squawked. He glanced around desperately, rubbing the back of his neck. "...Uh, honeysuckle, yer s'pozed to be on my side here."
"I'm always on your side. Just not when you're squaring up with a pack of toddlers. There's a very obvious solution to all this, Huck." Belle said firmly. "Say you're sorry."
"But I'm not sorry, hon." Huck admitted sheepishly. "You know that. My family spent my whole life treatin' me like secondhand garbage, then had the gall to hate me for leavin'. I couldn't stay, there was nothing for me here but mouths to feed and fistfights to break up." His eyes landed on a hole that'd been kicked through the porch screen door.
"I understand that, Huckleberry." Belle's eyes softened, "But these are children. Your little siblings. They look up to you. I'll bet they missed you terribly when you left." Belle cooed at the children, earning an immediate reaction. Plum turned pink and tugged her hoodie over her head, while Critter scuffed his tiny hoof against the ground, hiding behind his long mane. Belle hooked their hands under Snapper's arms, and with a tiny oof, managed to free him from the coat hook. "Isn't that right, Monsieur Snapper?"
"Hell no." The colt snarled, shoving Belle's hand from his shoulder. "And why should we? High-an'-mighty Huck can lock lips with a damned rattlesnake, for all I care."
Huck flinched. Belle however, twitched up their ears, a tiny light bulb going off in their head.
".....Funny you mention rattlesnakes." Belle pondered. "They mostly bite when they're feeling threatened, right?" They glanced at Huck for confirmation. "They rattle and hiss and make themselves scary...... all because they're afraid of getting stepped on."
Snapper balled up his fists and glared at Huck. "....Maybe ponies oughta watch where they're walkin'."
"Hmm. Perhaps if Monsieur Rattlesnake would only set aside his venom, he wouldn't be so alone." Belle smiled, a little mysteriously. "If Monsieur Rattlesnake keeps biting, well, it drives ponies away. But what if they come back, stepping lightly this time? Will you drive them away again?" Belle reached over, and very carefully laid a hand on Snap's shoulder. "....Is that really what you want, Monsieur Rattler?"
Snapper paused, his brow crinkling in thought.
"Ah, Belle, I dunno if that's the wisest metaphor to use around little 'uns-" Huck had nervously plugged Plum and Critter's ears. "Approachin' a rattler is actually really dangerous, and kids are impressionable-"
"Oh, for the love of-" Belle snapped, "The metaphor is for you, Huck. Read between the lines. Your brother's been wanting something from you since we got here!"
Huck turned to Snapper, utterly confused- then froze.
Snapper seemed to have deflated. He'd folded his arms in a last-ditch attempt at saving face, but his chin was tucked against his chest, and his eye was shining. He looked terribly small. Young. Sad.
And in an instant, Huck knew what he needed to do. He stooped down, folded thin arms around his little brother, and pulled him into a hug.
There was a pause. Belle watched, tense, dreading another outburst. Then their long ears pricked at the sound of a sniffle.
"....I don't get it." Snapper mumbled, hiding his face against Huck's chest. His voice was tiny, trembling, as though someone had trodden on it. "Why'd you leave?.....Were we really so awful to be around?"
Huck hugged tighter. "No, no....Snap- all of you- damn it, c'mere."
And just like that, the spell broke. Critter threw himself at Huck in a flying tackle, and then Plum had her arms around his neck half-throttling him in a hug, mooshing her sticky cheek against his. All three children were blubbering, and Huck was murmuring reassurances, at first awkwardly, but then with confidence.
"I'm sorry for leaving." Huck soothed. ".....I couldn't be myself here. But that had nothin' to do with you guys. Hell, you little snot-goblins made it hard to leave. You think I didn't miss you?' I did. Every day." Huck pressed a kiss to Critter's nose. "...I guess I'm just surprised anypony missed me, is all." Huck looked downcast. "Between the older kids squabblin' and Ma and Pa....I never got the impression anypony wanted me around."
"Well maybe they didn't, but I did." Snap groused, weakly punching Huck's chest. "...Bastard."
"Bastard!" Critter repeated happily, not remotely grasping the meaning, but trying his best to cheer everypony up.
"I missed you, Bubba." Plum said sweetly.
"Aw, sugarplum. You did?" Huck broke into a true, honest grin.
"Uh-huh!" Plum nodded, "The food's been awful since you went away!" She snuggled up to her brother cutely, big blue eyes full of hope. "....What's for dinner, Bubba?"
"Humble pie, evidently." Belle remarked, watching the scene unfold with smug delight. "Are things always so melodramatic at the Hooffield house?" Huck flushed pink and scowled at her, but it was half-hearted.
"Only when it comes to Bubba." Rooster sniffled. Already, his crass little smirk was returning. "Yer in for it now, partner. We're normal compared to him."
"Y'all ain't so big I can't toss you down the water well." Huck scooped up all three siblings, tucking them under his arms like sacks of potatoes, to their screaming delight. "And y'all would deserve it too." He chided, half-sternly. "Fine job you did tryin' to scare off my beau here. Say yer sorry, rotten lil monsters."
To Belle's surprise, there came a chorus of sheepish apologies.
"Sowwy.", said Critter, looking as though the very world hinged on Belle's forgiveness.
"We didn't mean to be mean!" Plum swore, then pointed an accusing finger. "It was all Snap's idea!"
"....I guess you ain't so bad." Snapper mumbled, trying to look cool even as his cheeks went pink. "....For a Canterlot type."
Plum, who was hanging upside down in Huck's arms, blew Belle a kiss. Belle pretended to catch it, earning a shy giggle from the girl.
"Well, goodness me, however could I stay mad? You three manage to be almost as charming as your big brother." Belle leaned to share a kiss with Huck, precisely because Belle knew it'd repulse the children. As predicted, they gagged dramatically and stuck out tiny tongues in disgust, and Belle considered this decent revenge. "Almost."
"You're incredible, Velour." Huck was smiling, just a little dopey.
"So I've been told." Belle chuckled. "Please, darling. A little family feud is nothing compared to Canterlot's cattiest. Do you have any idea what I deal with on a daily basis?" And Belle held up their fists in a boxing stance. "Lemme at your parents. I'll have em eating out of the palm of my hand by sundown."
Huck laughed- a light, airy sound, and Belle laughed with him. Suddenly the house didn't seem so dingy......suddenly the world seemed just a little bit brighter.
"C'mon, darlin." Huck released the kids to the ground. Critter and Snapper took off in an impromptu game of tag, and Plum yanked eagerly at Belle's sleeve, tugging them inside the house. Huck slipped an arm around Belle's waist, and bumped their hips together.
"Let's get these runts fed."
Comments
Non-Euclidean Cat
Or maybe he's wearing it as practice, with plans to run away and become a pirate some day.
Lopoddity
I'm not sure yet. Could've been a congenital defect. Could've been fungal infection. Or shrapnel launched from his older siblings trying to make a pipe bomb for fun. Playing with fireworks, struck with a stray lawn dart. The possibilities are both limitless and gruesome. Alternatively, he could simply be wearing the patch to correct a lazy eye.....or, being a kid, maybe he just thinks wearing an eye patch is cool. Who knows!
Amber
I'm wondering how Snaps lost his eye?
Lopoddity
No need to apologize my dude! :) Welcome back, thank you for your support!
SmilesPerHour
Very well done! I love the story, it’s very heartfelt, but I’m afraid I can’t find anything that needs to be fixed, at least, nothing that hasn’t been said already. But I really admire the story that you’ve written, especially with how well Belle handles the childrens’ rude remarks. I was afraid that they would have hurt Belle’s feelings, but they handled the remarks quite well, and offered some good retorts and advice in return.
Lory
This is almost perfect indeed! You can understand exactly what the family is like, why Huck left and the consequences so well in just a few paragraphs. Well done! There are just a couple typos others have already pointed out that I noticed.
Everything seems to be pretty good... The only thing I noted was that "Rooster" was included in place of Snapper. Also, apologies for my disappearance from your patreon- I had some financial troubles but I'm back for now!
Lopoddity
Dangit, I knew there was a stray "her" in there somewhere. Good note about the rattlesnake bit, your feedback is super helpful!
D
I think this is just about perfect. As someone who sort of avoids home right now, this really made me emotional. And it didn’t feel as “rough” as your other rough drafts, this about feels finished. Awesome work! The only thing I’d correct is I’d say to keep Belle’s pronouns consistent, at one point “Huck frowns at her”, though the rest of the story had them as “they”. Also, I’d maybe extend the moment with the rattlesnake moment a littttttle bit? It just feels like Belle works their magic a little too quickly, and I think that whole part needs another paragraph or so to sink in. I’m sorry if that’s too vague! But I hope this helps a little
MissMele
Can I just say that I love that you put in the obvious potential for snoot boopage for Snapper 😍
