Neviara
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Cycle 34-8: New and Improved
🕑 Added 2024-06-06 02:56:02 +0000 UTCLeaving the career fair marked a major turning point in the loop.
In the wake of his decision, Ian spent even more time focused on his game. Gone were the excuses of hanging out to study or work on programming assignments. Even midterms were barely a factor, exam season coming and going without comment from either of them.
For better or for worse, he had made his choice. Now they would see how it turned out.
Interestingly, it meant that Kaitlyn spent more time than ever hanging out with him. Though "hanging out" was a bit of a mischaracterization. While they were in the same room, his focus meant she had time to spare on her own activities. Namely, working through his catalog of games.
An anime-style teenager landed the finishing blow on the writhing mass of darkness. His comically overdesigned sword collided with its head, bursting into light as lens flares and slow motion showcased the scene from multiple different angles. The chime of a level up added an extra bit of reward
"Finally." Kaitlyn slumped back against the couch with relief. This close to the game's finale, things were getting a bit more challenging. That fight in particular had taken her a few hours of incessant effort to beat. It was the price she paid for choosing a higher difficulty. Still, the price was definitely worth it in entertainment.
"Did you finally beat Mesna?"
She turned her attention away from the cutscene. On the other side of the room sat Ian, his trusty laptop settled on the table in front of him.
"Yeah. That guy was a pain." Kaitlyn shook her head. "Seriously, I thought I was getting pretty good up until now. That just felt unfair."
"Yeah?" A smile touched the corners of his mouth. "Just wait until you see phase two."
She stiffened. The scene of her felled foe exploding into shadows filled the screen. In a moment it had reformed, new tendrils of darkness writing out from its suddenly humanoid body.
A tortured groan escaped her. She heard Ian chuckle. "Don't worry. If you die, you don't have to do the whole thing over."
"I'd better not…" she muttered, shifting in her seat. Leaning forward, she got ready to face the new opponent.
As she dove into battle, Kaitlyn allowed her thoughts to wander just a little bit. This routine had become quite a comfortable one, if she was being honest. Yet as much fun as she was having, it was hard not to feel a little restless about the whole situation.
I wish there was some way I could help more.
She'd offered her support as a sounding board and playtester. According to Ian, that was already more than he could have asked for. And she could see the results of her feedback when it came to how the game handled. But it didn't exactly make her feel like she was helping. If anything, it just made her more wary of every little thing she said.
The last thing I want to do is overrule his own vision. I can't take the reins on this, not even by accident.
Whenever her observations resulted in more than a tiny amount of tweaking, memories of Ian's bad ending flashed through her head—sobering reminders of how walking that path ended up last time. Even if she knew the situations weren't even remotely comparable, it still gave her pause.
"Ok, awesome." Ian spoke up suddenly, lacing his fingers behind his head with a sigh. "Got a prototype of the fists working finally. Want to try?"
"Oh! Sure!" Kaitlyn brightened in an instant, pausing Kingdom Spades to make her way over. With how fast the guy had been making strides, she always leaped at the chance to try out new content.
Settling in, she looked over the scene on the laptop. The progress was absolutely mind-boggling. It was only week ten and Ian had already finished three of his five weapons: the sword, spear, and bow. The pair of spiked metal fists would mark the fourth entry, one that had never once been an option in any of the previous loops.
But Ian wasn't just further along in that regard. He had also managed to polish other aspects of the game to a shine in the meantime. Additional enemy types, smoother movement, fewer bugs… the list went on. It wasn't perfect—the characters and background, for example, remained as blocky gray figures—but it was getting impressive.
This is starting to feel like a real game. The thought crossed her mind as she swung the fists into an enemy. Its blocky figure hurtled backward, a chunk of HP disappearing even as she turned an uppercut on its neighbor. It's not just a demo or a proof of concept. I could see myself actually playing this for a while. Especially with that upgrade system implemented…
Ian spoke up as she felled a fresh wave of enemies. "How's it feel?"
"Good. Great, even. This might beat out the spear as my new favorite once it's done."
He gave her a wide grin. "Really? Awesome. I might tweak the feel of the dash attack a little more, because right now it feels a bit OP. Do you have any ideas for upgrades or powers you'd want to see?"
She bit her lip. "Mmm, not sure… I'm sure whatever you come up with will be great."
"I hope so, yeah, but I'm kind of hitting a block for this one. It never hurts to have another perspective, you know? Just think about it and let me know."
"Sure. I'll think about it."
She continued playing, making sure to try out a variety of moves and combos to really put the weapon through its paces. After she felt like she had a handle on the basics, she began trying out less optimal setups and tactics with the fists, intentionally messing up at points to make sure everything still functioned. It ended up revealing a few bugs and interactions that Ian evidently hadn't accounted for. She heard the telltale scratch of pen on paper as he noted the observations down at her elbow.
Kaitlyn immersed herself in the game. It felt a little unfair that her main contribution to the game was playing it. That was the easy job, in her eyes, especially since Ian ironed out any kinks that rendered it unplayable before giving her a shot.
Even if he says this is enough… still. It feels like I should be doing more. Is that just pride talking, though? Am I being too self-centered…?
"Kay?"
"Hmm?" She kept her eyes glued to the screen as a wave of vaguely skull-shaped enemies zipped towards her.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course. What's up?"
"Why are you here? I-I mean…" He stammered a bit before rewording his question. "Why do you spend time just… hanging out here?"
She froze. The skulls converged on her position, taking advantage of the momentary pause to slam into the fist-weilding main character. With a muttered curse, she tried to recover from the blow, but it was too late. A swarm of skeleton warriors hemmed her in, striking her down with a flurry of slashes.
Dangit, she thought, frowning at both the game and herself. I really am being useless, aren't I?
I…" She sighed, deflating slightly. "I'm sorry. I mean, I want to be helpful, I really do. But I just don't want to overstep, and—"
"Wait, what?" Ian's frown deepened, taking on a tinge of confusion. "What? No, that's not— that's not what I meant at all."
She tilted her head, her expression mirroring his own. "Wait, really? What did you mean, then?"
"I meant…" He flapped a hand at his laptop. "Why are you here, wasting your time with this? The game? Me? I mean, you have way better things you could be doing."
"It's not a waste of time," she objected. "Your game's awesome, Ian. Of course I want to see it finished."
He threw his hands up in "See, that's what I mean. Why. Why this? It's not going to be some incredible masterpiece like Kingdom Spades or Water Insignia. It's just not. So why do you care?"
"Why shouldn't I care?" She crossed her arms. "You're making it sound like a bad thing."
Ian winced. "Sorry. I… I really don't mean it like that. I'm just confused is all. I feel bad wasting your time like this. Like I'm just… dragging you down? If that makes sense? I don't know if it does, sorry."
Kaitlyn just stared at him, completely perplexed. "Ok, now I'm confused. How would you possibly be dragging me down? Besides, Ian, you're a way better programmer than me."
"Come on. In game design, this one specific thing, maybe. I'm not even sure about that. But in everything else… I just— Kay, you're like, a prodigy. In so many things." Exasperated, he leaned back and began to tick them off on his fingers. "You're an incredible cook, you've got a business and a job, you do actual lab research, you're a better programmer than probably anyone else in our year, you can cream pretty much anyone in Bash Bros… not to mention the classes you're taking? And I've seen you study all of once, maybe? You're legitimately incredible."
A rebuttal was already leaving her mouth before she could think. "I'm not incredible. And I'm definitely no prodigy. I've just spent a lot of time on this stuff. I'm not even very good at most of those things."
He shook his head. "That's just flat out wrong. It's crazy enough that you do all that stuff, but the fact that you do it well? Without even trying? You have to be some sort of genius."
The statement rocked her. It wasn't true, of course. She knew that better than anyone. But even as she opened her mouth to refute it, the words shriveled and died on her lips.
I'm not a genius. I'm not. It's taken me so, SO long to get where I am, and I STILL feel like a complete beginner in so many things. I'm not special. I've just done what anyone would do in a time loop, and I'm still way further behind than they would be. I'm just… me.
Yet when she considered it from Ian's perspective, it was hard not to see where he was coming from. To him, she probably did seem pretty ahead of the game, in more ways than one. The idea made her deeply uncomfortable for some reason. Like she was lying to him.
I'm not trying to. Not intentionally. But it's hard not to feel like a fake when I know how long it's taken to get here. I remember where I started. He just knows who I am now.
But maybe that was the point. Her own words to Ian echoed in her head.
Why can't you just believe in yourself a little bit?
"I'm… not special. Really," she continued on quickly before he could interrupt. "I've just had a lot of practice. Believe me, it's taken an embarrassingly long time to learn the stuff I have. So much time banging my head into walls, over and over… I'm a slow learner, and I've failed a lot. You may not believe it, but that's the truth."
"Mmm-hmm," he spoke dryly. "Weren't you the one getting on me for being too hard on myself?"
"I— that's different." She winced as he echoed her own thoughts yet again.
Ian sighed. "Even if that is true… then I'm even more confused why you waste your time hanging out with me." His gaze fell to the floor. "You could be using that time on something, anything else. Something more useful than my dumb hobby project. Not that I don't appreciate it, really. But… why?"
Kaitlyn remained silent, thinking about his words. Her reasons were simple enough. She was here for an ending. Obviously. But there was more to it than that.
He's got a point, whether he realizes it or not. Even if I am looking to get an ending, that doesn't mean I have to spend all my time around him like this, she reasoned. I mean, it might even hurt me, if I end up being overbearing. So… why? Why am I here?
Leaning back against the couch, she let out a long exhale. It wasn't just about the ending. She'd come to like the companionable silence of them both being in the same room, doing their own things. She liked the occasional conversations and chances to playtest the game. It felt nice. Like there was no pressure on her to make each and every interaction significant. It just felt… comfortable.
But it's not just that either, is it?
Her mind flashed back to Ian himself. The look on his face when a new idea caught him unaware. The way his brow furrowed with concentration. The triumphant expression whenever he fixed something.
I want to see him succeed. I want to see him finish his game, realize his dreams. I really do want the best for him. Whatever form that takes.
"It's because… I want to be here." Her gaze settled on Ian's face, his hands stuffed in the pocket of his hoodie. "I think you're cool, and I like hanging out with you. Do I need a better reason?"
His gaze rose from the floor to meet hers. "...That's what I don't get, though. Why? Why is someone like you…"
She shook her head. "Despite what you think, I really don't see myself as all that special. If anything, I'm the one who respects you."
"Now you're just messing with me."
"I am not!" Kaitlyn huffed. "You've got a passion, something you really care about. So much that you can hardly stand to do anything else. I've… I mean, I don't know if I've ever felt something like that."
His brow furrowed. "What do you mean? You're not passionate about cooking?"
"It's not the same," she shook her head. "I enjoy it, yeah. Just like I enjoy most of the things I do. But… it's nowhere close to passion."
"Then… why do you do it? Why do you put yourself through all that?"
All she could do was shrug. "Honestly? I don't know. Maybe I just feel like I need to get better at something, anything. Maybe I don't know what else to do with myself. Point is, I just like hanging out. It's comfortable, and I like seeing how the game's coming along, even if I feel like I'm not helping that much. And I respect you. So good luck getting rid of me."
Ian ran a hand through his hair, flustered. The fading sunlight streamed through the windows and glinted off his hair with a golden glow. "That's… wow. Just… It's hard to believe, you know? Not that I don't trust you, I just—"
Kaitlyn laughed. "Trust me. I'm the absolute worst liar. If I was making this up, you'd know it. Now c'mon, let me have another crack with those fists. I didn't get to try everything out quite yet."
"Oh. Oh!" Ian shook himself. "Er, yeah! Go ahead."
They stayed like that for a while longer, Kaitlyn punching enemies into oblivion as Ian looked on and took notes. As much as she tried to focus on the game, she felt hyperaware of Ian's presence at her side and the subtle warmth of his leg where it touched hers.
She'd told the truth. But maybe not the whole truth.
This game really is going to make me like all these guys, isn't it?
