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So it is done: Happiness
🕑 Added 2024-03-08 02:08:59 +0000 UTCCinder returned to the table a few minutes later, trying with all her might not to break into a smile that seemed so out of place on the face of the notoriously strict and tough, if not brutal, RATS agent. She has to keep her reputation, after all, being part of the most odious department of the RATS, internal security.
But even with all of Cinder's self-control, she had only barely succeeded.
A moment later, Ghira, who had just seen Cinder, smiled at her and then raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Cinder, dear, I see you're in a great mood!”
“How can I not be happy on Jonathan's birthday~?” Cinder replied in an almost singsong voice, deflecting, not wanting to actually tell Ghira the reason she was so happy. But, she did give Jonathan a single glance, trying to see if he was looking at her at the moment and, noticing that he was indeed looking at her, gave him a subtle nod.
If Cinder wanted to keep a secret, it was probably best that she wouldn’t be smiling as wide as she is, as she sat next to Jonathan, at his right side. And contrary to her usually composed attitude and respect for etiquette, trying her best of maintaining her image of impenetrable professionalism, she leaned slightly towards Jonathan.
The action caused Jonathan to dip his gaze from the family sitting across from him to the plate in front of him, returning to the barely meaningful poking of tomatoes on his fork. He was quite embarrassed from the rather public display of affection.
Which is what you needed to prove, Jonathan. Don't tell me you're surprised.
Jonathan didn't respond to the needling, deciding finally on a tomato, before bringing the fork to his mouth and swallowing without even tasting it. He was pretty sure that he hadn’t even chewed, either.
So I'm going to be a father…
Of course, Jonathan was nowhere near the age where he needed an explanation of 'where babies come from', and what's more, he knew full well that his activities with Cinder would one day lead to that result. Given the fact that Jonathan hadn't used protection, and Cinder hadn’t bothered with birth control, it was safe to say that he was even aiming for such an outcome.
And yet, the news had come to him as a surprise anyway, nearly sweeping him off his seat… In the metaphorical sense, that is. Cinder would probably not take him fainting on his own birthday well.
So what now, Jonathan?
Starting with the salad this time, Jonathan speared a piece of chicken and cheese, raising the fork to his mouth, only to be greeted by another tasteless bite.
All thoughts were scattered, but it was not an endless mire, rather, it could be said that Jonathan's scattered thoughts were given complete freedom, instead running along the walls of his skull, shouting out ideas one after another, a multitude of thoughts rose up in Jonathan's mind at once.
About baby clothes, lists of names, thoughts about arranging Cinder's maternity leave, finding a suitable hospital, and with them the currently unimportant thoughts. Thoughts about the child applying to the Academy, about suitable restaurants, worries about the time he might miss in his yet born child's childhood, old lullabies and fairy tales that he still remembered…
Jonathan's brain churned, spewing out one thought and plans after another, most of them completely unimportant at the moment, and even if Jonathan realized the fact of their uselessness, he still couldn't stop.
And along with the thoughts came the emotions.
Fear, doubt, nervousness, along with joy, relief, and love.
Jonathan simultaneously wanted to hug Cinder and kiss her in front of all these witnesses, not caring about the consequences. And at the same time to get up from his seat, and smoke a cigarette to calm his nervous thoughts. Though he'd never smoked before, his fingers felt empty of the cancer stick. He wanted nothing more than to light one up and slowly walk down the streets of Glenn, to wherever his eyes took him, trying to calm his raging mind.
Jonathan blinked, finally noticing that the texture of the food he was mechanically shoving into his mouth has changed. It seems that dinner course had changed, multiple times in fact, without him noticing, given that it was now a half finished hot dish.
Jonathan's gaze drifted upwards, but instead of concerned faces, he found Kali, a little too drunk from the alcoholic drinks, slumped unashamedly on Ghira’s shoulder. Apparently whispering some really embarrassing things as Blake was trying her best to act as if she was invisible. Her eyes wandered here and there to anything that could distract her from her parents sharing some intimate moments with each other.
Judging by the sly glance Kali gave Cinder, clearly noticing how she was doing her best to keep herself from slumping onto Jonathan's shoulder in a similar fashion, Kali was not as intoxicated as she appeared to be. Cinder, without the influence of alcohol, for obvious reasons, made what she wanted to do quite obvious, that the White Fang’s former head of security could not miss it.
Ghira himself, though somewhat embarrassed at the presence of his daughter, did not seem annoyed by his wife's behavior. Instead, positioning himself so that his wife could lean on him more comfortably, as he shared with Neo about some meeting or other he’d had with.
It must be quite the interesting story, since Neo was listening carefully, wanting to hear the interesting details, whilst not forgetting to stuff herself with the expertly cooked salmon dish. Cinder, hearing the same story, perhaps to distract herself, was solely interested in learning more about the top political circle of Menagerie, sipping her orange juice all the while.
She was trying her best to simultaneously cling to Jonathan and keep herself from just moving into his lap, enjoying the closeness.
Judging by the fact that even Cinder wasn't casting concerned glances at Jonathan at the moment, it meant that Jonathan himself didn't give away the fact that his attention was wandering. His body, even in the absence of his mind, continued to speak and react, respond and keep the conversation going in a sort of learned reflex.
Is this your doing?
Jonathan asked his Avatar a question, but received only a calm reply.
No, it is in fact entirely your skill. You learned this trick a long time ago, in the second or third meeting with your council. You can't be a ruler otherwise, you can't banish your human part completely, but you can split your mind and make it do two things at once, One eternally at work, while the other as a human… This is just a demonstration of your excessive ‘practice’.
Jonathan sent another portion of food into his mouth, this time actually being able to appreciate the taste somewhat, after which he grinned sadly to himself.
I've really changed in this world, huh?
Did you only notice it now?
All decisions in life were life-defining in one way or another, all decisions are decisions that couldn't be changed and taken back, it's just that most of such decisions were insignificant. All decisions were pivotal, but the pivot in most was usually minuscule, but that didn't mean that the weight of each such decisions had no impact at all.
Ten insignificant decisions to not prepare food at night, but instead rushing to prepare breakfast each morning before going to work were summed up in one significant result, late arrival at work. A hundred of similar decisions were summed up in being dismissed from your position, and such could become the reason for a fateful meeting with a beautiful girl in the nearest café.
A lot of small decisions came together into a single story, the story of a man's life.
Jonathan had made hundreds of thousands of decisions in his life, just like every human being, probably actually untold millions before he found himself here. Every little decision of his life created the position he was in at this moment, and…
He liked his life.
That was the final summation of Jonathan's reflections. That was it and nothing more.
Life had many measures. One could talk about the number of steps walked, money earned or the amount of oxygen inhaled, many such objective measures. But, in the end, there was no objective measure to say whether life was good or bad for a person other than his own viewpoint.
By his own words and judgement could a wretched beggar shoo away a great conqueror so that he could enjoy the sun, or an Emperor lament their wasted life.
‘I like my life’ is perhaps the most important measure that could ever exist in a person's life.
What is the measure of success?
Happiness.
Happiness does not need to come from anything necessarily meaningful or ‘good’ to most. Some could experience happiness from earning money, getting rid of his competitors with hands covered in blood. Some felt happy bullying a defenceless victim. Whilst some could only feel happy saving people.
There was no common measure for each life, no one could say for sure whether the life of one was better or worse than the life of another. It was always possible to judge from a variety of positions, whether someone was a benefit to society, some fixture of moral dogmas, and even personal preferences, but there was no common criterion for happiness. No common criterion according to which it was possible to assess a life as worth ‘nothing’ or ‘meaningful’.
Except for one criterion, the opinion of the individual itself.
I think I'm… Happy?
Jonathan's words were uncertain, as if he didn't quite know what he was saying at that moment.
Jonathan's position in the world was perfectly stable, perhaps even the highest position to be, a King of one of the most powerful states in Remnant. It was one that could not be complained about. His influence, his financial stability, his confidence in the future, all of these things put Jonathan above the multitude of others that would probably laugh should he say that he was unhappy.
It would have been hypocritical of him not to be satisfied or happy with his current position.
Jonathan's work was by no means boring, routine or unimportant. On the contrary, each day on the job challenged Jonathan, forcing him to strain his mind, challenging him to the best of his abilities, trying to see patterns in the news and early signs of events in the numbers.
On more than one occasion, Jonathan had to stay in his office far longer than the rest of the world would have guessed. In spite of his elevated position, instead of mindlessly living his life in mansions or on expensive yachts, Jonathan was forced to contact his deputy for the sixth time that day. He would receive the latest real-time information requested to determine a trivial detail, like whether he should have put another on the list. A decision that could easily lead to a major corruption scandal or the unique take-off of another economy.
So, did Jonathan like the job?
It was probably not possible to say that it was a divine calling. An activity that Jonathan kept in his heart and to which he happily applied himself to the fullest every day from the early morning. Jonathan considered it a hard job and, if it were possible, would have preferred to do less of it, resting a little more often.
Perhaps he might even be able to take advantage of that statutory holiday he had instituted long ago for the worker's welfare. It is quite ridiculous to have even the janitors take multiple days off each month, while Jonathan hadn’t taken one for years now. What use is the monetary compensation for the unused day offs when his own money purse is also the state’s? Virtually inexhaustible.
Why would he need money in the first place? For the already mentioned yachts and villas? Jonathan didn't see the allure of such things, but even if he had wanted to collect expensive property, why would he buy properties that he wouldn’t have the time to enjoy in the first place.
Jonathan was always busy with his work, and in the little free time he had left, he spent it exclusively with Cinder and sometimes Neo.
And yet, it’s not like Jonathan could say that he disliked his work either.
Yes, he didn't regard his job with unbridled joy, but neither did he hate it, in fact, since he was quite good at it, he was quite proud of his work. Judging by the fact that the state under his administration was the pre-eminent power in Remnant, he hadn’t done all that bad of a job.
Of course, Jonathan was very much aware that most of the success of Glenn lies mostly with the miracles he was able to supply. Things like teleportation, which ensured Glenn's economic dominance for the next centuries until the rest of Remnant could create its own teleportation technology. That his agents were half as successful as they are in rooting out spies and enemies of the state thanks to his relics.
But still, it was all thanks to Jonathan that such mechanical wonders existed in the first, so some credit is due to him at least. And furthermore, those two things were not the last of the tricks he could pull out of his sleeves.
Like the quintessence compression engine, in other words the creation of artificial dust. Such an innovation would cement Glenn’s position at the top for a long time.
That is to say, Jonathan, in general, not only liked his high status, but one could also say that he was more than satisfied with his job.
As for his social circle, according to the nature of Jonathan's personality, position, and job, he was deprived of making many close friends. Jonathan's closest friend, besides Cinder, was probably Neo, then Ghira, then Kali and then Summer, he could count the number of friends he has with his hands, with many fingers left over.
Those were probably all the people Jonathan could classify as his 'friends'.
But that didn't bother Jonathan. He'd always been introverted and closed off to new acquaintances in the first place, so even if he was just a Hunter or an ordinary office clerk, he wasn't likely to have a large social circle. So Jonathan couldn't say that his social circle had suffered in any meaningful way because of his job, or that he himself was dissatisfied with it.
On the contrary, the opportunity to gather in a small circle of friends for his birthday was, on the whole, quite good. Considerably better than the possible alternative to that one.
And of course Jonathan would be simply ashamed to complain about Cinder, his other half. If he even tried to find something negative, some minus in Cinder, Jonathan's mind would falter right after ‘she drinks strong black coffee?’. And that wasn't a problem with Cinder, but rather a random quirk that Jonathan himself didn't follow. Other than that? Nothing but praise.
Cinder was probably unimaginably close to the concept of the ‘perfect girl’ in Jonathan's mind. Young, beautiful, smart, loyal, ambitious, skilled, understanding, efficient, tough, not wasteful, soft and kind but also strict where needed, calm but also passionate, attentive, and all other positive epithet imaginable. Yes, even when they contradicted each other.
Perhaps it was simply because he was biased, and because Cinder was doing it unconsciously, but Cinder was always what Jonathan required. Cinder was literally perfect, Jonathan didn't even have to think about the question ‘who was the best girl in the world?’.
The answer would be Cinder, of course.
Who would Jonathan want to see wearing a new swimsuit? Cinder. Who would Jonathan trust with his lunch? Cinder, of course. With whom would Jonathan prefer to discuss the last book he read? Naturally, it was Cinder.
Cinder, Cinder, Cinder. The only list in which Jonathan could not put Cinder at the top of his list of relationships was the list of ‘people with whom I share the same taste in drinks’. In that, the two lacked anything in common, and Jonathan himself had to hold his tongue more than once to keep from telling Cinder that.
Otherwise, Jonathan wouldn’t doubt that Cinder would instantly forget about her love for coffee, and switch to drinking hot chocolate instead, all to achieve the position of ‘perfection’. Thereby disrupting the flow of reality by bringing a perfect ideal into an imperfect world and causing the creation of the Singularity.
And he was only mostly joking about that.
Jonathan owed probably everything he had in his life to Cinder. It was Cinder who came into his life when Jonathan was lost and floundering around in an unfamiliar world, knowing nothing of his present or future, and had given something concrete to work towards. Cinder, of course, would never have agreed with such a statement, but Jonathan truly believed that.
It was she who had saved him then, allowed him to take the first step, and had kept him safe ever since. Cinder understood the situation in exactly the opposite way, and on the contrary believed that it was Jonathan to whom she owed everything in her life.
Another reason Cinder was perfect.
And now she was pregnant.
And now Cinder was pregnant. Meaning within nine months she was going to be a mother, and him a father, which meant Jonathan himself was going to have to marry her. And for all the doubt, the chaos in Jonathan's head… It made him love Cinder even more, and consider her even more perfect, only more so.
Jonathan's story? This part of Jonathan's current life was probably the most ambiguous.
His past decisions, his past actions, words spoken and unspoken, choices made, right and wrong, merciful and cruel.
Jonathan couldn't say that now, years later, that he had no negative feelings or regrets about his past, anyone who said otherwise was either an enlightened monk or a liar.
Even if it was only about memories from his early childhood, some unimportant and rather funny events related to the nature of children, it was impossible not to feel at least a slight semblance of embarrassment. Especially when he remembered the times in the past when Jonathan had put felt-tip pens in his mouth or pushed another child in an attempt to understand what emotions he had felt when he had made another person uncomfortable. Things that he regretted even so early into his life.
That was the nature of all human beings.
There were far, far more significant events in Jonathan's story, however, than the occasional childish pranks that now seemed shameful to him from an adult's point of view even when they’re incomparable to the atrocities he had committed. Some of the things he'd done… had been much heavier than a couple of felt-tip pens he'd tasted in his childhood.
Jonathan had killed people, many of them in fact. Not personally, but you couldn't blame the gun for firing at the target the shooter chose and blame the gun, Jonathan had aimed the RATS, the army, even let Cinder do what she thought was needed.
In total, Jonathan have killed… At least several thousand people. From old officers and disloyal revolutionaries who had been disappeared during the occupation of Mantle, to one critic here, or a journalist there. The innocent and guilty alike.
For a mere human, it was a huge number of people dead at his hands. There was no assassin more bloodthirsty, or even a hero more powerful than Jonathan, capable of slaughtering several thousand people in Remnant’s history.
For a politician, on the other hand…
Jonathan didn't know for sure, wasn't, couldn’t be sure. Jonathan knew, somewhat above just mere suspicion, that even the pacifist Ghira kept past sins and sacrifices behind his soul, at least if just because of the nature of governance. To say nothing of other politicians or Ozpin.
Jonathan had betrayed the thousands of people of the Mantle Liberation Front, even Robyn Hill, who had looked up to him in the past with admiration, was betrayed by him. By his economic policies, he had dragged Menagerie, forcefully under the wing of his well-meaning patronage, making them almost a client state if not by name. That has changed now, of course, but it still has happened, and would continue to happen if not for Jonathan’s change of mind.
Jonathan has betrayed many faunus, Jonathan had betrayed even his own people. The people who had believed in him and his past promises, but who had now gone lienless, the people who had gone bankrupt. The logistics companies, the transporters, in a sense, Jonathan had betrayed them too.
There was no perfect outcome, there was no solution that suited everyone, that was the essence of government, the essence of magic…
It was the nature of life.
Someone always remained unhappy, no matter how long the discourse went on, there was always, at least in some form, a loser. In the society of millions of people, no matter how perfect, there always remains the disadvantaged, the losers, and the unhappy.
But I am happy.
Admitting those things to himself made Jonathan feel like a monster, happy precisely because someone else was unhappy.
But that was not the case.
Jonathan was happy because despite all the terrible consequences of his actions, despite all the things he regretted or grieved, despite all his past choices… Jonathan was happy with his life.
From his position, his riches, his passion, his family, his friends, Cinder, and…
His future.
That's right.
Looking into his future, Jonathan was content. Happy. He was confident in his future.
Not in the concrete actions he would take in the future, or even just plans for the future, as the chaos of his thoughts could not do such a complex thing right now. His mind was only occupied with Cinder and her pregnancy. But he still felt a certainty in something more… Intangible, perhaps. And yet more important at the same time.
The certainty that tomorrow he would wake up next to a loving wife. Confidence that his life will go on. Confidence that he's…
On the right path in his life.
That's right, Jonathan, you’re on the right track. The right path. But… What is the right path? What is the happy path? And when you choose it, are you sure of what you've chosen? Not in the sense of the rightness or wrongness of your choice, but in the sense of do you know exactly where your choice will lead?
Where exactly will my choices lead, hmm?
Jonathan didn't get an answer to that question, as he was shaken into consciousness once more, only to find himself back in the dining room. Kali had long returned to soberness, still hanging on to Ghira’s shoulder, Ghira himself, fanning slightly himself with one hand, clearly trying to shake off the effects of the alcohol on his sizable body. And then there was Neo, trying to convey her moods to the watching Blake with a lively facial expression. More lively, in fact, and a little less controlled than usual, the closest thing to a tongue lashing as Neo could do.
Cinder, seated next to Jonathan himself, having finally disregarded all rules of decorum, especially since any attempt to disguise it was already futile at the current stage of their relationship, had plopped her head down on Jonathan's shoulder. She was now trying her best not to purr in contentment, or at least not too loudly, so as not to interrupt the conversations going on at the table at the moment.
Conversations, one of the participants of which, to his considerable surprise, Jonathan found himself to be a part of.
“…and so I was wondering if I could buy out one of the spa hotels in Menagerie for a week? No more, I'm afraid that even with all the Gods of this world’s help, I can't maintain Glenn without my presence for longer than a week,”
The words coming out of Jonathan's mouth instantly made him chuckle at the realization of why Cinder had spit on her self-control and was currently nearly sprawled on top of him. Really, it was too stupid at the moment to try, and make a secret out of his relationship with Cinder given that he was currently discussing his honeymoon possibilities with Ghira.
Though, judging by the look in Ghira’s eyes, the news was not unexpected for him, being one of the few people who could be described as even remotely privy to the inner workings of Jonathan's life. It was unlikely that he hadn't suspected anything until now. Judging by Kali's slyly glittering eyes, she'd known about it for a long time as well, and was now being kept from shouting ‘I was right!’, by the presence of Ghira and the Goodmans themselves.
I'm happy.
Which means…
Which means what? I'm just happy.
That's right, Jonathan, you've already made a choice, you just can't figure out which one. You can't take the final step. What's next, Jonathan? What does that mean, ‘next’?
What's next, hmm.
What's next? What could happen next? What did this information mean for the rest of his life?
Nothing, really. Jonathan was still planning on performing the ritual, kiss Cinder, and getting into bed with her…
Exactly, Jonathan, exactly.
Jonathan blinked awake once again, though this time there was no lapse in his memory, Cinder was still lying on his arm, a cup of tea was still clutched in his other hand, and Jonathan himself was still thinking.
Until he saw the lights momentarily dimmed and the doors opening ahead of him with a waiter appearing, carefully carrying a rather large tray of white cream cake with glistening burning candles symbolizing the years he had lived, that he had to blow out.
It's time, Jonathan, it's time.
Jonathan covered his eyes, smiling inwardly.
Remnant's most powerful magic… Under the very noses of Remnant's most observant people.
And no one ever fully knew exactly what Jonathan had planned.
