S_Winter
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Chapter Seventy-Nine: In the Abyss
🕑 Added 2023-12-10 18:00:05 +0000 UTCI don’t know how to deal with all that. River seems almost as confused as I am over it all, only he seems to feel like I’ve acted selflessly while I’m lamenting over my own selfishness. He speaks of ‘master’ in one breath and ‘best of friends’ in the next. How does he see me? Or is there just so many differences between our cultures that the translation the Bond offers just isn’t able to cope?
I want him to want to be here, I realise. I want him to choose to be with me, both because I fear letting him in close and then him choosing to vanish like Lucy did, and also because I want this gnawing sense of guilt in the pit of my stomach to go away. If he chooses to join me of his own free will, that makes the forced aspect of the Dominiate OK, right? Or is that just another sop to my conscience?
But I’m still being selfish. I’m thinking about what I want, not what is best for the group as a whole, or River specifically. While I want to set River free and have him choose to stay with us, he’s explicitly said he doesn’t want that. Sure, I could unilaterally break the Bond: that’s my prerogative as the master of it. But that’s the point: the master of it. To exercise my prerogative against his stated wishes would just be once more taking a choice out of his hands.
Of course, there are other considerations. Is River actually in a fit state to be able to make a decision on this? From what I’ve learned of lizard-folk society, it seems a pretty cut-throat one. His ideology about ‘might is right’ has to come from somewhere, and I don’t think I have to look very far to find its source. I know that in his mind, I won the Battle of Wills, even if I didn’t actually force it on him; he’s coded to accept me as his ‘superior’.
Then there’s the Bond itself. He said it himself at the beginning of all this: the Bond imposes an external set of ideals – the protection of and obedience to the master of the Bond. Can I trust anything he says while he’s still under its influence?
I grimace as another thought occurs, one that I should have had before now. Kalanthia. If I break River’s Bond, she’s going to claim her due from him. Probably in the form of his death. Perhaps it's better to wait until I’ve finished my quest and made inroads on helping Lathani – that way the ‘bargains’ I have with both lizard-man and nunda will be effectively fulfilled. Kalanthia surely wouldn’t claim River’s death if he has been instrumental in helping her cub recover? Then again, maybe I could...Hmm. That’s an idea.
“Alright,” I say in the end, finally answering River’s declaration. “I’ll accept your service until we’ve sorted out the threat of the vine-stranglers to your village. Then we’ll reassess the situation, OK?”
As you wish, River accepts.
“But you don’t have to be so...submissive,” I say, grimacing again at the word. Though who knows what that translates to in River’s language. “Just...be like you were on our journey here. It...it makes me uncomfortable when you call me ‘master’,” I admit, hoping that this might get through where other requests didn’t. “It makes me uncomfortable when you treat me with too much formality. I can’t be relaxed with you if you aren’t relaxed with me.” River eyes me for a moment.
Very well, he agrees hesitantly. I will try. It would be easier, though, if I knew what you wanted me to do. I sigh. We’ve come back around to the beginning of the conversation again. Though at least now I know why he had been acting in that way. And if I’m being honest when I say I’m accepting his service, I guess I’d better actually give him tasks to fulfil.
I take a few moments to think. What do I want him to do? It’s hard when I don’t know whether he’ll be staying with us past the village being saved – assuming I even can. Should I plan for the short or long term? Then again, if I plan for the long term, all I risk losing is a few Energy-Hearts; if I plan for the short term, I risk losing the time now for River to improve himself. Between the two, Energy-Hearts are probably easier to find than time. In fact, they definitely are, considering I know the location of more.
“I want you to grow and improve,” I say finally. “That was as true before as it is now. The sooner you can hit your evolution, the better for everyone. At the same time, using poison on the lizogs certainly helped, and we never know when we’re going to need more of that. I’ll admit that I’ve been collecting venoms here and there, but I don’t have the faintest idea of where to start with using them, apart from just smearing them directly on my weapons. Any other potions which might offer benefits to health or stamina could be useful too.” I sigh. “Perhaps you should focus on using Energy-Hearts to make progress towards your evolution, and then also make forays into the forest to find ingredients for your concoctions?”
So you would prefer me not to focus on hunting? River checks with me, his mien intent.
“Not specifically, I suppose. If something attacks you, then by all means kill it and bring its body back with you, but I suspect you won’t find challenge in the area around here.”
I have noticed how much easier most prey is here, he agrees. And the air feels...lighter.
“That’s probably the Energy density,” I note. While talking, we’ve both been working. Finishing up tying the final velociraptor’s tail to the branch, I stand up and walk over to the other branch I harvested, pick it up and place it in my Inventory.
Even if I might not have harvested as much wood as I was hoping, I’ve probably got enough to make at least one rack – the branches are a good few metres long, as thick around as my calf at their thickest and tapering towards their tips. They’ve each also got a whole load of other branches attached to them so I’ll have more wood I can use there as well.
“Ready?” I ask my companion. When he agrees, I lift one end of the branch with the velociraptors dangling from it, grabbing the ‘bag’ of hearts with my other hand. River places the other end of the branch on his shoulder and we quickly walk home through the forest.
As we walk, my mind wanders a little. This whole situation has brought up something else that I hadn’t thought of. Or rather, someone. Bastet.
The raptorcat has been with me through thick and thin. Her loyalty has been unquestionable, and she has also gone above and beyond. If I’m offering River the opportunity to be free from the Dominate Bond...how can I not offer it to her as well? I blame the fact that I haven’t thought of it until now because she looks more like an animal than River and can’t speak in recognisable words. Yet, anyway, as her mental communication has been becoming clearer and clearer the closer her progress ticks towards evolution.
Yet, I find that those are weak justifications now I think about it. She’s not incapable of making the decision; I just never thought of offering it to her. And there’s no debt tying her to me, no sword of Damocles hanging above her head that would give me a good reason to argue against giving her the option.
The thought is depressing. What would I do if she chose to leave me and take the cubs with her? She’s...she’s a rock in this new life of mine. Yet now the thought has occurred, I know that it will keep niggling at me if I don’t give her the option. She’s done more than enough to deserve it.
I think River must sense my increasingly dark mood as he doesn’t try to say anything as we walk. By the time we’ve got back, briefly taking the time by the river to wash both ourselves and the corpses, my mood is in the abyss. I’ve pretty much convinced myself that Bastet leaving with cubs without a second glance would be the best possible outcome of me breaking the Bond: I would hate to have to raise a weapon against my friend, but will have to if she tries to threaten any of us.
As for if she then tried to threaten Kalanthia or Lathani...no. Even in a worst case scenario, I doubt that would happen. Bastet knows well enough Kalanthia’s power; that wouldn’t change with the disappearance of the Bond.
Untying the velociraptor bodies while their hearts cook takes some time, but I’ll admit that I’m stalling a little, not wanting to have confirmation of my darkest fears, but at the same time knowing that they must be faced. River tries to help me, but his clawed fingers are not the most agile, and the second time he accidentally cuts through the bark fibre instead of untying it is when I decide that he’d be better off somewhere else.
“Why don’t you absorb some Energy from an Energy-Heart,” I suggest pointedly. “Do you need a new one?”
It’s fine, thank you, he says politely, I haven’t yet finished absorbing the other you gave me.
“OK, well let me know when you need a new one,” I tell him, and he takes the hint easily. Tipping his chin up briefly, he steps into the cave, returning shortly after with a partly-used Energy-Heart in his hands. I watch as he sits in a sunny patch and closes his eyes, going still.
As I look around, I realise that Fenrir and Sirocco are doing the same. In fact, it’s only Bastet who’s unable to meditate, since she’s watching the cubs. I frown – that’s not fair. She needs to have time to grow too, especially since she’s still the closest to evolution. I'll have to talk to my other Bound to make sure she gets some time set aside. Then my fingers falter on the knots I’m undoing as I remember that it’s only relevant if she doesn’t leave as soon as the Bond is broken.
By the time the hearts are cooked and eaten, and the velociraptors have been piled in the shade for everyone to help themselves, I can’t put it off any longer. Or rather, I could but I shouldn’t. Should I ask Fenrir and River to join me? I wonder as I contemplate Bastet potentially getting violent.
Then I shake my head. I don’t want to disturb them, and I reckon that they would come running if anything actually happened. Plus, there’s a part of me that fears that by preparing contingency plans for her attacking me would actually make it more likely that she would. Illogical, I know, but fear often is.
“Bastet,” I call quietly, the lump in my throat making it hard to say anything. Nonetheless, her hearing is perfectly capable of hearing even that low sound. Plus, even if she hadn’t heard it with her ears, she’d have heard it through the Bond.
The raptorcat looks at me, her head tilted to one side curiously. She’s clearly picking up my tumultuous emotions as both confusion and wariness come over from her side of our connection. “Can you come here, please?” I ask. She obeys immediately, padding closer on surprisingly quiet talons.
Is something wrong? She seems to ask, concern bleeding through even as she looks around warily.
“No, nothing wrong,” I tell her, trying to smile but failing to make my lips do more than twitch a little. Ah well, she wouldn’t understand the gesture anyway. Nothing’s wrong – yet. “Listen, I just wanted to say...to tell you how much I appreciate what you’ve done for me. You’ve been a solid partner in every fight we’ve had, you’ve kept us safe with scouting, and you don’t know how much you’ve helped me in other ways.” Confusion but wary appreciation comes across from her side, like she’s pleased I’m happy with her, but is wondering why this would make me so sad.
“I feel like repaying the loyalty you’ve shown me by keeping you bound to me is unfair to you. I’m...I’m going to break the Bond.” Shock and lack of understanding emanates across the Bond, followed quickly by hurt and upset. Since that’s the opposite of what I’m aiming for, I hastily try to reassure her. “It’s not because you’ve done anything wrong or because I don’t want you, I promise!” I tell her. “In fact, the reverse is true. I just want you to choose to be here.”
Her emotions settle a little with my reassurance, but there’s still a whole lot of wariness and concern underlying everything. “Look,” I say, taking a deep breath. I’ve started something; I need to finish it, and to do it right. Otherwise I could risk losing another person I care about. “I’m going to break the Bond, and then immediately offer you a Taming Bond, like with Sirocco. That will offer you the chance to put whatever you want into the Bond, like she did. Or,” and here I have to swallow, “you could choose to leave. Take the cubs with you and go. If you leave peaceably, none of us will offer threat to you.” I bite back the words that threaten to spill out, words that want to beg her not to go, to try to convince her to stay.
“If you stay, I want it to be because that’s what you want,” I say again. “Equally, if you leave, I want it to be because you want to.” Feeling like there’s a stone sitting in my stomach, I reach with metaphysical hands to the place where I know Bastet’s Bond is.
It takes but a moment to break it, all that’s required is my Will to do so. The ease with which it snaps feels incongruous to how important it is for me. I immediately feel the lack, the emptiness where her presence used to be. This is far worse than with Spike, for all that it was voluntary on my part.
Bastet hasn’t moved, her eyes wide with shock. Without my connection to her, I have no way of feeling her emotions, but I know her body language well enough to recognise that she feels the lack of the Bond even worse than I do. Fearful that wasting even a moment will see her suddenly turn tail and vanish before my eyes, I stare into her eyes.
“Tame,” I say, my voice filled with desperate hope.
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Book Two: Growth - Table of Contents
