Author Frank Morin
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Ch 69 - I Tell Knock Knock Jokes
🕑 Added 2024-10-28 22:30:29 +0000 UTCI yanked out 3 small tufts of grass, then stuck emoji sticker traps in each tiny bare patch of ground before covering them with the loose grass. Even I couldn’t see them concealed like that.
I was running low on the precious emoji stickers. The gag gift had ended up being one of my most important items of loot.
“You know, I wouldn’t mind another page of emoji stickers,” I whispered.
For once, Cyrus did not respond, and I returned to my preparations. I next concealed under the grass the ostrich egg bomb I’d looted from Joseph’s body way back on the first day.
“Ostrich egg bomb. Can be detonated using a delay timer of up to 30 seconds, or with a mental command. Effects: trigger a powerful explosive blast, followed by a secondary cloud of sleep-inducing gas.”
Even covered by grass, it made a suspicious lump, but I hoped it would go unnoticed. About 2 feet to either side of the egg bomb I concealed a tier-2 mana crystal and one of the energy cores from one of the broken energy rifles. It still had a pretty good charge. With all that done, I moved about 5 paces closer to the cave and dropped a potion of Create Darkness.
“Create Darkness potion. Produces a sphere of complete darkness 10 meters in diameter. Will move with the drinker if consumed, or will remain stationary if the bottle is dumped or smashed.”
Only then did I creep into the cave and lean against the cool stone wall for a delicious second as tension drained from my body. Walking in the open so close to Bristleback had taxed my nerves and I wanted to close my eyes and rest for a few minutes.
I didn’t have that much time. I allowed myself 3 glorious seconds. Then I drew a deep breath and focused. Outside, Bristleback had stopped and was staring down at the grass along the southern edge of the meadow, about halfway across.
Right where I’d crept past. I tensed, every sense coming alert as Bristleback slowly turned his head, tracking the path I had walked. I don’t think I’d left tracks in the grass, but maybe I’d crushed some of it down. Bristleback read the signs, swiveling until he looked directly at the cave.
My time was up. The boss boar-tar lifted his bow as he started galloping toward me.
I pulled a laser rifle from my inventory and sighted down the barrel. As soon as the sights settled on my target, I fired.
The potion of Create Darkness exploded and a globe of absolute darkness materialized on the spot. A second later, a lightning bolt blasted through the darkness.
Bristleback had fired blindly. The bolt of deadly white lightning punched through the darkness, but did not dispel it. The bolt shot just past the mouth of the cave and disappeared out over the central valley. It probably wouldn’t stop until it slammed into the western mountains. Hopefully it didn’t accidentally kill any of the other people fleeing stage 1.
I crouched in the entrance, still concealed by Mirror cloak. The thunder of Bristleback’s charge drew nearer. I couldn’t see him through the globe of darkness. I should have planned that better. Now I had to time my next strike by sound.
“Show yourself, weakling.”
The voice was low and guttural, but my translate ability made the words clear. Bristleback slowed to a stop on the far side of the globe of darkness. If I’d set it right, he should be right above my traps.
He added, “I know your scent. You’re a greater fool than I realized for returning to die by my hand a second time.”
I wanted to reply, but didn’t dare cause him to move. Tension ratcheted my chest so tight I couldn’t breath as I waited for the sound of success. This had to work.
Right on cue, Bristleback roared in pain. He’d triggered the 3 traps I’d left concealed in the grass. I needed to do a lot of damage and wasn’t sure what kind of magical resistances he might have, so I went with the classics.
“Emoji trap of Piercing Strike, times 3. Unleash a dozen sharpened spears across a 2-foot square area that will thrust up into the target with bonus piercing damage.”
If he’d walked into all 3, Bristleback might have just been stabbed with as many as 36 spears shooting up into his underbelly. That should rattle even a level 50 boss. Time to cook the rest.
Before I could trigger the egg bomb, the entire world froze. I couldn’t move, couldn’t even blink. Cyrus’s voice boomed so loud it shook the air.
“Aaaaaand your time is up! Congratulations, contestants from Earth, you’ve survived the entire first week! Most of you wisely followed my suggestions and climbed to the second stage. You’re about to witness a show unlike anything you’ve ever seen. I hope you saved some popcorn.”
His voice turned somber. “The rest of you should have listened. I doubt any of you will survive what’s about to come, but I hope you prove me wrong. I’d recommend you start running . . . NOW!”
Time resumed and a crack of thunder so loud it sounded like the world had just split in half rent the sky. I regained the ability to move in time to reflexively drop to the ground.
And immediately bounced back off, tumbling into the wall of the cave. Sounds of crashing and booming continued shaking the world, so loud I could barely think. I grabbed the edge of the cave and held on tight, pulling myself out. I had to see what was happening.
Outside the cave, I fell to my hands and knees, my feet braced against the rock of the cave. Even then without my enhanced stats, the violent shaking of the ground would have thrown me off the nearby cliff.
The world was collapsing. Everywhere I looked, mountains were crumbling, stones and dirt cascading down into canyons and valleys. Random explosions of fire burst 10,000 feet into the air, while geysers of water like inverted waterfalls exploded out of the earth everywhere. They cascaded high, then fell in thunderous torrents that flowed downhill toward the central grasslands like flash floods.
“Whoa,” I breathed as I stared at the devastation sweeping the first stage. I had the perfect vantage to watch the collapse of the entire landscape as I crouched on the edge of the high meadow. It was like the end of the world.
No, the end of a stage, and I was stuck in the middle of it. To the north, the spectacular waterfall that had cascaded down the high cliff from the 3rd stage expanded into a torrent bigger than the Amazon River. It crashed into the small lake that was expanding by the second while billowing clouds of mist crept out to consume miles of grassland.
Dark shapes moved within the waters of that fast-spreading lake with predatory speed. Some darted like fast sharks, but those were only the tiniest of what I glimpsed. Others looked more like orcas, but even they looked small compared to the leviathans I glimpsed rising behind.
Cyrus hadn’t been kidding. In moments, the entire first stage would be flooded and filled with deadly monsters. People hiding in the canyons and valleys might already be dead, crushed by falling mountains or swept away by sudden floods. Even after I killed Bristleback, I had no idea how I’d cross the long miles of the fast-flooding valley.
Bristleback.
I’d totally forgotten about the deadly boar-tar for a few seconds in my shock as the world ripped itself apart. I needed to kill him fast, like 30 minutes ago.
I focused on the egg bomb and triggered it. A huge explosion eclipsed the constant rumbling of thunder, and a blast of superheated air slammed me back against the cave. Two secondary explosions built upon the first as the energy rifle core and the mana crystal detonated under the force of the first blast. They tore apart the meadow where Bristleback had been standing.
The boar-tar tumbled into sight, soaring over the sphere of darkness. His hugely muscled torso was scorched, his boar fur was burning, and his underbelly was a gory mess of blood and exposed entrails. Unfortunately, he was very much alive.
Dammit! He must have moved some when the world started crashing down. My explosions had hurt him, but not enough.
Bristleback crashed into the side of the cave hard enough to shake the meadow. I drew my blades, preparing to strike when he slid down the stone.
Instead, the entire cave disappeared.
The loss of the stone hill I was bracing against sent me stumbling, so I missed my chance to stab Bristleback as he fell hard to the ground. Still, he was only a few feet away. I wouldn’t get a better chance.
I tensed to spring, but the ground beneath my feet started to give way. Only my enhanced senses noticed the shift in time. Ignoring Bristleback, I sprinted away just before a huge section of the outer edge of the meadow simply slid off and fell toward the valley below.
It carried Bristleback down with it. The boar-tar bellowed like an angry lion and fired his bow even as he fell.
“Yes!” I shouted, expecting to see him get crushed by the tons of falling earth.
That hope evaporated as his arrow soared across the meadow and pierced a lower tier of the Q’Bert tiered peak rising above us. The arrow flashed with bright light, and a slender silver tether linked it back to Bristleback.
The boar-tar clung to the tether and slid up it, riding it back up to the meadow and crossing it in a graceful slide before landing on the solid first step of the higher peak.
“No way! A magic grappling hook?” I wanted one of those.
Focus, dummy.
The ground was shaking ominously. The meadow wasn’t done collapsing. I sprinted all out, dashing for the higher peak. Moving that fast, my Mirror cloak couldn’t protect me as completely and Bristleback noticed something.
He brought up his bow and fired.
“Not this time,” I growled as I guaged the distance. The arrow crossed the space with terrifying speed, but my improved reflexes proved sufficient as I dove aside at the last fraction of a second.
The arrow glanced off my Mirror cloak and the cloak’s upgraded defense against magical damage proved sufficient to handle the glancing blow. The electricity charging the air around the bolt still made me shudder, but I managed to roll aside.
Even as I lunged back to my feet, Bristleback roared again, retreating a quick step as if in unexpected pain. My Amulet of the Rebound must have reflected some of that attack back at him.
It wasn’t much, but it surprised him enough that I had time to drop to my knees and pull out a laser rifle. My cloaking improved since I sat mostly still, giving me another precious second to aim.
Bristleback lifted his bow, but paused as he searched for me. That gave me a perfect, mostly stationary target. I fired, aiming for his humanoid chest.
I would have preferred a head shot, but at that distance I wasn’t confident enough in my marksmanship, and I’d only get one shot before he pinpointed my location.
Even as the laser bolt lanced out at Bristleback, I leaped into another run. Standing still would guarantee I died fast, either from another deadly arrow or from the ground falling away beneath me. More of the meadow was peeling off every second. I needed to reach the higher peak.
That wouldn’t help for long. Rocks the size of houses started crumbling away from the peak as parts of each flat tier fell away. Some entire sections broke free, tumbling down the slope in crashing avalanches of destruction.
My laser struck Bristleback but only left another scorch mark. He barely reacted, but lifted his bow again. Thankfully a huge boulder tumbling down the slope forced him to jump aside, giving me the seconds I needed to reach the higher slope and dive 10 feet up to another flat step.
By the time Bristleback turned to shoot me again, I had already rolled behind the curve of the hill. He’d find me soon enough, so I couldn’t stop moving.
Behind me, the rest of the meadow fell away in a rumbling avalanche that shook the rest of the peak and sent even more boulders tumbling down. I dodged a rock the size of a moving truck and scrambled up to a higher tier. The entire mountain could come down on us any second, but my only chance was to kill Bristleback. Only then could I focus on surviving the end of the world.
An arrow curved around the hillside and slammed into the ground where I’d stood only moments before. The explosion of energy tore that entire section away and pelted me with stinging stones.
Whoa. Even firing blind, he could easily kill me with a lucky shot. So I cast Knock Knock, focusing it on another flat step even farther to my left as I scrambled higher. If I could get a better vantage, I could try for a head shot, or something.
“Knock Knock,” sounded a loud, cheery voice.
Instantly, another arrow curved around the mountain and slammed into the spot where the sound had come from.
A second later, it continued. “Orange.”
I stifled a laugh. Perfect! That annoying knock knock joke was a lot longer than most. Hopefully Bristleback wouldn’t realized he was getting played.
As the joke continued on with the unending repetition of Orange, I rushed higher and crept to my right, moving around the edge of the hill to where I could see Bristleback.
I nearly walked right into him as he came leaping up from a lower step.
