ArgamaWitch
patreon
Art for myself or for others?
🕑 Added 2019-04-13 02:42:23 +0000 UTCSo I have been reflecting lately on a lot of things, especially my art. I have realized I like to draw, but I dont love drawing like I use to be. I also feel whenever I draw something I am mostly doing it for other people. This is something I've noticed I've been doing for a very long time, but even more so lately. There is a weird feeling when you wake up "I want to draw!" and then think "Well they would like this so I guess I'll draw this..." and now its a chore.
So growing up I never received positive reinforcement when it came to my art. I was always compared to my cousins who would copy/trace art where as I would try to draw something freehand. Therefore mine wasn't as good in comparison. They never improved and could never draw anything without a reference, where as I could, but still they would get praise for what they USE to do. Even when I finally had an art class I was told my art wasn't any good. My art teacher told me to quit art. I did, for 6 months before finally slowly drawing again.
Since then, when I would draw something or post it online there is a part of me afraid to be compared to others. But over the years of self teaching myself art, I noticed certain pieces of artwork get more praise and recognition. As one who didn't get praise around my artwork when younger, it was an almost high. I felt good about it. So I would keep drawing what people wanted. I would try to draw my own works, but usually it was passed up.
Even in recent times, I could sketch something stupid within an hour, and spend days on a single piece the the something stupid would get the attention. This has happened many times. It even happened with a contest to an anime convention. I spent hours on each piece for their entries over the years, but when I would also submit a semi gag piece, something that I just slapdashed together, and that gag piece is what places, I began to second guess myself.
Over the years I find myself slowly moving away from drawing what I enjoy and drawing what "sells." Sure I can ask art folk but they say similar things. For example: I love drawing digitally. I can more freedom with colors and just like the overall feel of it. However I get so much better feedback on my traditional saying it has more personality and more detailed. That is an illusion I fee. The personality are mistakes I can't correct and the detail is just unsmooth lines that trick the eye into thinking there is more going on than there is. But it made me start to second guess doing digital. I love digital! But I started feeling guilty because I knew people didn't like it. I didn't want to lose the few people that did like my artwork because I decided to keep drawing what they didn't prefer. (I like drawing traditional from time to time, but usually in black in white, I love working on beta)
Even at conventions I am mostly a fanartist now. Even to that extent, a chibi fanartist. Sure I like drawing fan art now and again, but there is often a pressure to keep up with the latest trends, and as a principle I watch all series I draw. Sometimes I want to draw fanart but know it wont sell so I dont bother. Or I make so many damn chibis to turn into keychains and pillows because thats the demand. I've tried full body and I had to resort to giving them away in mystery bags. Let alone try anything original. I made original things and sat on them for years. I made a manga, and ordered 15 copies of it, I still have 4 copies left, and I bring them with me to every con. I had to mark them down to less than 50%, so I'm now selling them at a loss, just to try to get sales on them. It's terribly discouraging
On top of that I found myself trying to push myself more into making animation because I had SO MANY people tell me to work on it. So much positive feedback I felt great about it. So I tried to make more, and study it more. However, I don't actually enjoy animating. I made them for my channel opening and ending, I really didn't want to spend so much time on it. I had people tell me to quit making the videos I do and just make animations. I felt really bad about this, because I didn't want to, but felt if my animations really are getting so much feedback then I should. I started writing out a 10 minute long animation that would take me over a year to make, and the idea of it causes me dread. Trying to make a quick animation for a new ending has proved how little I know and desire to make animations. This makes me feel terrible because I really wanted to do this for the patreon community as well as others who wanted more animations.
So where I am at now, I know people will tell me to draw what I want, but there is a guilt that comes with that. I feel people are expecting certain things from me. And with lack of engagement in my work I know my mind will go into dark places. Its part depression part impostor syndrome I think. ( is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be. While early research focused on the prevalence among high-achieving women, impostor syndrome has been recognized to affect both men and women equally. )
I've started to try to draw a bit more for myself, with the NSFW twitter, but even so I want to draw men, because that is what I'm attracted to, but my followers are men, who want to see women. I'm okay with drawing tits, which is why I've drawn a lot of futa, but I want those that support me enjoy what I draw too. Ah, see where my dilemma comes from? It's a struggles between drawing what others would like VS what I would like.
Anyways, I'm not sure what to do. I do know I may put that animation project on the back burner and instead make a comic. I really miss drawing comics, I love drawing comics! It's a lot of fun! So maybe I will do that instead, and I will be able to tell the story I actually want to instead of once that fits into my animation ability.
Sorry for the long read! And if I lose patreons over this, I will understand. I need to draw for me for a while. Forgive me for being selfish!
Comments
Argama Witch
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I do know often think about why I do anything and can never come up with a reason that isnt to please other people. I do have a few self help books I need to really finish reading that is to help me live for myself instead of others. Like if someone asks me why I draw I say it's because others like it and that makes me feel good. I suppose now it's also because it's my only source of income now lol.
Dongmongol
(JohnStrawberry here, in case this account's name is unfamiliar to you) I remember you talking about this sort of thing in the first stream I managed to catch of yours, which happened to be a drawing stream. It's good to see that you've still stuck to doing art despite how it seemed like it was very discouraging for you at first. I'm sure you've come a very long way since then, even if you still feel uncertain at times. I've noticed it's a common struggle for artists where silly gag drawings and sketches get more attention than serious works with a lot of time and effort put into it. I think it has to do with the humorous ones often being relatable and familiar and instantly leaves an impression that click with people. It's part of the reason I like doodling much more over serious drawings. I'm not sure if I can be of much help for you with giving advice, but I can really sympathize with your struggle. I believe it's important to remember to have fun with drawing so you don't associate it with being a chore and grow to hate it, but I can't speak for those that want to pursue a career and make a business with their art. I'm sure it works differently for each person too, and finding the right balance for yourself is probably important. Sometimes, when I have doubts about drawing, I ask myself why I draw, what exactly makes it fun and pleasant for me, and what is it that makes me keep going back to drawing; sometimes digging into that core helps me get back on the right track when I feel lost and stuck. This seems like it's something very important to reflect on, and maybe it will even move you in a new direction. Whatever happens, I hope it goes well for you and turns out to be for the best, even if it has to take time. Don't forget to look after yourself and your own needs as well.
Improcomics
No, I think it's totally understandable and respectable. I tend to live a bit vicariously through you and other artists who have considerably more time to devote to the craft, but I realize it's a sort of double-edged sword. For me (as a parent who works full time and watches the kids the majority of the day), I have very little time to devote to animation, drawing, etc. but I have lofty dreams about what the trade entails. I'd love to do art for a living...except realistically I probably wouldn't. Right now I have absolutely freedom to sketch whatever nutty idea I have. I can spend 3 weeks doing a silly 15 second animation that will never gain me any soft of financial benefit, but I have a blast doing it. I can do fan-art, original characters, whatever and post to Instagram and people (a very small number) will say they enjoy them or give me "likes". For me that's enough, but if I was to try to make it a career I'd ultimately be very bummed out indeed. I do believe you just have the problem of being very talented but in a world where there exists many others that are talented. It's not so much an issue with your own skills (screw that art teacher) but more of a recognition thing. I do think you're slowly building your YouTube and Instagram presence and I think that's great ^_^. When I can afford to support your work more I will, because you're awesome just the way you are!
Argama Witch
Thank you for understanding. My art has been stressing me out lately. It's like Kiki from Kikis Delivery Service when she said she use to enjoy flying before she did it for a living. And then she reached the point there was no enjoyment from it and she couldn't fly anymore.. I'm at the no enjoyment part. I want to nip it in the bud before I cant or dont draw anymore.
Improcomics
Oops I hit “Return”. As for the Adult NSFW / male stuff... don’t sweat it. Just because it’s not for us doesn’t mean we judge you for it or hold it against you. I certainly don’t and I don’t think you should just draw lewd girls/women/etc. just to please a male audience either. It will just come off as phony if that’s not what you want to do. Finally, animation is SUPER time consuming and it’s not for everyone either. Just do it occasionally for when you need to but don’t devote a year or more to a project you don’t love. It will just be a waste of your time. Do what you love :). Others will follow in time.
Improcomics
I just want to say that’s one of the most honest and detailed writings I’ve ever read from an artist. Ever. I hope you know that you do in fact walk a fine line as an artist between doing what pleases you and what pleases your audience, but as someone who dabbles in similar mediums, I’d have to say you should really go with what you love and not necessarily what your fans want you to. Fans are fickle. They change with the times, the drop off by the wayside and eventually you just can’t count on them. If you want to make a career out of it, it’s tough at first for sure (I can totally relate to your manga story and I actually read your manga and thought it was great).
