thehardtimes

Hard Game Night

Hard Times and Hard Drive patron discord video game hang out sessions being planned.The idea is we take all the scheduling out of it by everyone know a certain day and time of the week they will have a crew to play with. Hope in, make some friends, play some games. Writers, readers, everyone welcome...

NEW YORK — Former Pitchfork Editor Adam Rhodes admitted he was struggling in his new role reviewing cigars after his previous employer merged with GQ Magazine, confirmed sources currently bragging about partying with Jacob Elordi.“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to still be employed but cigars...

WASHINGTON — Democratic donors recently received a plea from the Biden campaign featuring a direct appeal from the President asking for assistance connecting his computer to the White House’s wireless network, sources confirm.“It’s honestly getting annoying,” said Adrian Daniels, a frequen...

Once again you find yourself trapped in a Psychobilly Freakout and realize that it’s your last chance to escape before succumbing to a life where all your friends are fully-grown men who refer to themselves as cats. How did we get here? Maybe you were feeling nostalgic and replayed “Guitar Hero ...

APPLETON, Wisc. — Hot Topic co-workers, Brandy Graff and Dilan Hoffstedter, were “hella stoked” to welcome healthy twin boys conjoined by a single dreadlock, into their life, hospital representatives reported.“Watching my sons Phreak and Bizkit come into this world was like the nacho effect�...

NEW YORK — Local entertainment ticketing conglomerate Ticketmaster was inexplicably able to charge a $7.99 service fee for each MTA rider who saw Green Day perform a secret set on a New York City subway platform, outraged sources confirmed.“I was just trying to go home from work when all a sudde...

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida’s state legislature is once again making waves nationwide after changing their official state bird from the Northern mockingbird to a parrot they taught to say the N-word as their bird representative, confused, but not surprised, sources confirmed.“This bird is one ...

I bet you think you’re a big man now, don’t you? But guess what, just because you are the first and only person in human history to ever accomplish something it doesn’t mean you are special! There are more things in life than pushing the limits of human potential, and in the real world, baggag...

LANCASTER, Pa. — Jack White, formerly of the White Stripes, was spotted outside of the Shady Maple Smorgasbord receiving treatment by EMTs after suffering second-degree burns caused by the glow of the buffet heat lamps, concerned sources confirmed.“Being around fiery red heat bulbs I knew I was ...

LAST LIGHT INN – A small-time NPC with no real impact on the game’s story is reportedly struggling to come to terms with the knowledge that saving him from death is optional content that most players will inevitably skip, or miss altogether.“What the fuck? I’m not even a compulsory component...

The next themed week from The Hard Times

Hello patrons, thank you all for the support, in the past we have done theme weeks, where every story is part of that particular theme. Our question to you is what would you like to see and we will start getting to work. Let us know which one of these options you think is best.

PITTSBURGH — Trailblazing tattoo artist, entrepreneur, and fourth-grade student, Sammy “Slugman” Sluggins opened up a discreet semi-permanent Sharpie-based tattoo shop in a tunnel located on the playground at the Longbrook Intermediate School, confirmed multiple sources getting black ink all o...

The way our parents engage on Facebook with the same excitement and wonder as we did in the mid-2000s is adorable. Though it’s now largely a wasteland of Minions memes and boomer humor cartoons, the olds still feel compelled to comment their inner monologues on every post they see. I mean it’s r...

AUSTIN, Texas — Local musician Garrett Thompson’s attempt to explore diverse music genres resulted in five uniquely terrible solo projects which were met with embarrassment across the scene, confirmed multiple sources familiar with the situation.“I usually just stick to my usual alternative st...

LEBANON, Tenn. — Cracker Barrel Old Country Store has announced a battle pass for their Peg Game that players can purchase for in-store rewards, according to a company press release.“A lot of our patrons are of the older variety, and we think the launch of the battle pass for the Peg Game will h...

ALHAMBRA, Calif. — Fans of the highly anticipated Assassin's Creed: Peace and Love, which takes place during the 1970s American sexual revolution, lined up outside of their local GameStop today reportedly unaware the value of their game will significantly drop as soon as they drive it off the ...

LOS ANGELES — On the heels of the cancellation of the critically-acclaimed queer pirate comedy Our Flag Means Death, streaming giant Max apologized to saddened fans for not canceling the show sooner.“We want to thank the cast and crew of ‘Our Flag Means Death’ for all their hard work and ded...

DES MOINES, Iowa — Conservative voters immediately opted to burn books to warm up at the Iowa Caucus due to record low temperatures before considering any other more reasonable alternatives, confirmed sources who couldn’t feel their fingers.“I always keep a few extra copies of Barack Obama’s...

EUGENE, Ore. — Leo Radler, a bartender at local pub The Swampland, is completely unaware that many of the regular patrons of his place of employment consider him a close, trusted friend and confidante despite him rarely making eye contact, sources indicate.“I’m at The Swamp[Land] five or six n...

Oh no. No, no, no. This is bad. You gotta help me!Here’s the backstory. I told my idiot friend Carl that his overpriced Chase Bliss effects pedals are the equivalent of autotune but for the creatively challenged. That pissed him off and he replied in a very mocking (and borderline offensive) voice...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — A new app called Sentry is being labeled as the industry’s “Indie Shazam” and is capable of identifying a song and gatekeeping it from users, confirmed sources who claimed to know the application before it was cool.“It’s easy to use, and makes me feel like a total...

Six Songs We're Listening To This Week While Pretending We Still Feel Things

Another week into the new year, and it’s still the same old you when you look in the mirror. What happened? You used to, like, dream and have hopes and stuff. Look at what a sell-out you’ve become. Don’t give us that look. We’re just telling you what all of your closest friends and loved one...

SIMI VALLEY, Calif. — Local woman Ashley Harris refused to answer her bank’s security question this week claiming the prompt “What was your favorite band in high school?” is too embarrassing to answer, confirmed customer service records.“I never thought I’d have to admit such personal in...

I’ll be honest. Growing up, I never saw myself as an iconic singer-songwriter. Winning a ton of Grammy Awards, being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and selling more than 120 million albums worldwide? Look, I don’t even know how to hold a tambourine.But something changed this morni...

PORTLAND, Ore. — Current occupants of notorious punk house Shitshow Chateau revealed that their resident pitbull Hammer is the only inhabitant that has not bitten someone, animal control officers confirmed.“Yeah I’m used to getting looks from the pearl clutchers on our block, but my collective...

AMC THEATERS – Matt Simons, 31, was reportedly seen executing Plan D of his original approach to a Coca-Cola Freestyle machine after his previous three ideas for a customized flavor were cut short due to the machine being out of just about everything.“I promised myself I would never give up, no ...

HYRULE - Link finally agreed to sit down for a tell-all about his romances across Hyrule prior to the launch of his Audiobook titled “The Legend of Link: The True Story of the Hero of Time.” Below are some of the juiciest secrets from the book:The book recalls his brief but intense fling with Ma...

WASHINGTON — The 2024 edition of the classic educational short film series “Schoolhouse Rock!” will contain a song dedicated to teaching children the importance of active shooter drills and what to do during them, several traumatized sources report.“It’s an honor and a pleasure to be able ...

The year was 1992. I had just clocked out at Spencer’s Gifts and walked across the mall to catch the next showing of “Aladdin.” Robin Williams and Gilbert Gottfried? That’s a 1992 comedy Dream Team. The lights go down and I’m enjoying my trip to Agrabah when the couple next to me starts ge...

ST. CLOUD, Minn. — Audience members at pop-punk trio Little Rounders’ St. Cloud Room show this weekend all reported bouts of cute aggression, after drummer Scott Minkle tossed his stick into the crowd at the end of their set, only to have it returned by a dog in the audience.“Normally people f...