thehardtimes

BOSTON – Local beer lover Ryan Kensington fleetingly experienced a sobering thought while in the midst of a bout of heavy drinking, but regrettably had the insight neutralized by the ten beers traveling through his system, sources confirm.“I was standing in the backyard earlier tonight at my bud...

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a solid 6 on a good day but looks aren’t everything! I can still pull, as evidenced by the fact that I have a super awesome (albeit online) girlfriend who likes me for me and not because of my Target employee discount. I wish everyone around me shared the sa...

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local punk, Joel Locke, reportedly mistook a waitress’s inherent kindness as an invitation to make her watch a 2008 YouTube video of Davey Havok performing “Straight Edge Revenge” with Ceremony at the famous Berkeley punk venue 924 Gilman, embarrassed sources confirmed.�...

MENDHAM TOWNSHIP, N.J. — The notoriously hardworking Chris Christie began preparing for his 2028 presidential election dropout announcement mere hours after revealing he had ended his 2024 campaign, confirmed sources who just wondered if they could get their donation money back.“It’s never too...

LANSING, Mich. — Recently married couple Wendy and Patrick Clark are facing a fourth night without any sleep whatsoever after refusing medical assistance despite constant, often terrifying hallucinations, according to concerned friends and family.“I really can’t imagine what everybody is so wo...

I was hoping for a quiet weekend. Watering plants near the window, I noticed my neighbor outside, clutching his chest.It’s a heart attack and I can see it, plain as day, right outside my living room.This is typical Chuck, my 90-year-old neighbor. And as he stumbles to the lawn with a stiff left ar...

CHICAGO — An uneasy crowd braced for a long night at a local club after once popular ‘90s alt rock band Wheat Pigs opened their set with their biggest hit, annoyed attendees have reported.“My husband and I were excited for exactly 15 seconds into the show when it dawned on me that ‘Pigs Get ...

LOS ANGELES – Cloud Imperium Games, makers of Star Citizen, have announced a new reverse mortgage program in conjunction with their new $48,000 Ship Bundle.“We knew there would be a segment of our fans who would love to take advantage of our new ship bundle, but might not have the capital availa...

Gamers eagerly awaiting release of the forever-in-development space sim ‘Star Citizen’ will be happy to hear they can now own every ship, mod, and upgrade in the “upcoming” game by purchasing the “Legatus 2953” package, available at the cost of $48,000 and your last shred of dignity.“Y...

sneak peak of upcoming Patron experiments!

Hey Patrons! Working on the earliest rough drafts of Hard Times Patron-shout out things. Will do the Hard Drive ones tomorrow. Thankful to you all. Please hit me up with any feedback and let me know if you want to see anything with these or if they interest you and I'll adjust according.Addition...

DES MOINES, Iowa — Republican hopefuls Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley are expected to make slavery a big topic for their debate tonight ahead of the 2024 Iowa caucus with one candidate claiming slavery was beneficial while the other pretends it never happened, strategists confirmed.“Folks keep tal...

NEWARK, N.J. – Local officials are responding to reports of crowds sprinting towards their lovers through Newark Airport as Frou Frou’s “Let Go” plays over the intercom, wistful sources confirmed.“I was at the Hudson News looking for a sandwich for under $18 and then things got weird. Ther...

For decades sibling rivalry has been the core of legendary British rock band Oasis. Due to their multiple extended hiatuses, I think it is time my brother and I rise to the occasion and take their place.My brother and I have been at each other’s throats for as long as I can remember. He would brea...

SACRAMENTO, Calif — Several Attendees of the Montgomery High School Class of ‘03 Reunion were left baffled when the night suddenly turned into a collection of realtors presenting properties they had for sale within the area, sources looking over their finances claim.“I was grabbing a drink and...

23andMe Confirms Dave the Diver 1/16th Indie Game

EL SEGUNDO — Surprise 2023 hit Dave the Diver’s 23andMe profile has been released to the public, confirming the game is in fact partially of indie game descent.Our sources close to multi-billion dollar indie developer Mintrocket confirmed the authenticity of the profile.“We’ve got that ‘in...

STONINGTON, Conn. — Local man Eddie Walker was rushed to a hospital in critical condition after accidentally laying his head on a pillow with a decorative button, horrified sources confirmed.“The last thing I remember was throwing my body onto the couch after a long day. I could never have imagi...

My girlfriend and I have gotten into some pretty freaky stuff lately. In the past, we’ve tried bondage, hair-pulling, and name-calling, but all of that starts to get a little run-of-the-mill after you’ve done it for long enough. That’s why we’re advancing to the level of sado-masochism in wh...

MINNEAPOLIS — Local groom and longtime guitarist Parker Anderson gazed longingly at the wedding band guitarist’s illustrious pedal board during the first dance with his new wife Allison Grant at the ceremony’s reception, confirmed sources who sympathized with the groom now that they had a good...

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple’s public settlement for deliberately slowing down certain iPhones in what was seen as an attempt to swindle users has proven unsuccessful in convincing current customers to make the switch to the less popular Samsung Galaxy, confirmed sources who rolled their eyes at th...

DURHAM, N.C. — Researchers at Duke University made the startling discovery that the male brain does not fully mature until death, confirmed sources who didn’t know what to do with that information.“We were astonished: the male cerebrum and frontal cortex remain in teenagehood well into the 80s...

You know, it’s hard being an administrative assistant at the 7th most successful personal injury law firm in the larger Madison, Wisconsin metropolitan area. You work all day for no credit, get yelled at constantly by the senior partners, and are on call around the clock. It’s absolute fucking b...

SANDUSKY, Ohio — Cedar Point amusement park guests observed Cure frontman Robert Smith exiting the Millenium Force roller coaster with a head of hair that appeared to be immaculately groomed, sources who didn’t even recognize him afterward confirmed.“It’s proper embarrassing isn’t it? Matt...

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Multimedia tech CEO, Peter Avakian, held a mandatory all-hands meeting to ensure every employee was present for an iPhone slideshow from his most recent vacation to outer space, tired employees confirmed.“Times are tough right now, and as CEO it’s my job to inspire. There�...

The truth is, if you’ve escaped twenty-seven club membership, your chances of aging out of the scene increase exponentially with every year. And it’s a true sadness, and terrible look to not realize that it’s happening to you. But we’ve got your back. Here are 8 signs that it might be time t...

HOLLYWOOD — The Golden Globes are reportedly set to become more watchable for gamers this year as producers plan to jam the ceremony full of more ads than ever before.“I saw my son watching this ceremony called ‘The Game Awards’ on his laptop. I sat with him as he just absorbed and cheered o...

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Marcus Ulrich, the lead singer of local thrash metal band Christknuckle, was reportedly spotted at Walgreens asking employees which black hair dye brand worked best on small patches of facial hair, security cam footage confirmed.“Nobody bats an eye any time Scott Ian dyes his b...

Eight Songs We're Listening to This Week While The Merciless Beat of Time Marches On

Another year has begun, just like the year before it, and sadly, the year before that one. While many take the completion of another set of calendar pages as an opportunity to reinvent themselves, you have decided to maintain your rapidly stagnating personal status quo. We get it, change is scary an...

What "Facebook Jail" Looks Like

Hey everyone, thank you again for supporting The Hard Times/Hard Drive. The response has been overwhelming and we are so grateful. Anyway, you might have heard publishers or influencers mention the term "Facebook Jail" before. It's Facebook effectively shadow-banning you for content they...

WASHINGTON — Republican lawmakers today broke ground on a new memorial to not commemorate the insurrection riots that took place in and around the Capitol Building on January 6th, 2021, multiple self-described American patriots confirmed.“Today, we unveil a memorial in honor of an event that we ...

CHICAGO — Shortly after The Smashing Pumpkins began holding open auditions for a new guitarist they shocked the world by announcing 38-year-old Jared Buchford, the guy from your floor in college who only knew how to play the intro for “Today,” as their newest band member.“His audition tape r...