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[MA] 410. Biased
🕑 Added 2024-04-20 22:35:12 +0000 UTCPrevious Chapter — Table of Contents — Next Chapter
[Sorry this chapter is late. There were technical issues on Saturday.
Chapters LAST week: 3/3
Late chapters: 1
Next chapter: In a few minutes]
E'livia knew a disguise technique. Supposedly.
"I look like an aeonian now," she claimed right after the qi in her body ran wide for a moment. She hadn't changed one bit. "They're everywhere in the Inner Worlds."
"I thought you belonged to the holin species," Shen replied.
She rolled her eyes. "Of course I do. You can't see it, but my wings are invisible, my skin is golden, my face changed, and I look thinner. So, a perfect aeonian. Use your aura, and you'll see I'm right. Even domains can't see through the disguise unless I use mine. It breaks the illusion."
Shen was surprised to find out that, indeed, his aura couldn't feel her wings when he released it. She also felt almost fat. Not even his True Realm could see through the guise.
"Impressive," he complimented.
E'livia smiled proudly. "I admit aeonians are a bit rare in an Outer World like this, but they can't join the Gardener Sect. Don't know why. Anywho, each sect member learns to disguise themselves as a different race, so anyone will only suspect me as they might suspect a strong stranger appearing out of nowhere."
Shen nodded. "Why can I see through it, though?"
The girl crossed her arms defensively and looked sideways. "I... When our souls touched... I..." She blushed. "It was important to me. I feel uncomfortable talking about it. Please?" She looked pleadingly at his eyes. He didn't immediately reply, so she also bit the corner of her lower lip.
Shen squinted while double-checking his soul. E'livia's word choice was filled with meaning; she had said their souls touching each other had been relevant for her, not for them. He could find nothing in his Path and was likely not infected or anything like that. This business was undoubtedly related to E'lemer's words about not leaving her for two years.
He went through his knowledge of all sorts of different species' mating rituals and found a few possibilities. The three most likely were a unidirectional bond, a candidacy pre-attachment, and a self-framing link.
A unidirectional bond made one almost a slave to the other. That was it. One gave oneself entirely to another.
A candidacy pre-attachment was a sort of self-enforced soul contract in which one party decided to check on the other for a time. If the one checking the other didn't see anything too bad, they would become attached to them for a very long time, sometimes forever, often until the other party died. Said death became ridiculously painful for the survivor.
Such attachments were very rare and considered sublime to most romantics. The attached party would love the other unconditionally. It didn't mean being unable to get hurt by the other party's actions, but they couldn't just turn their love off.
They also became willing to withstand a lot of abuse, which Shen found decidedly unhealthy. In fact, from what he had heard... somewhere... any such species, when discovered, became extinct in a few generations. They were exploited until only half-breed remained, and then, their blood ran too thin on their descendants.
In a multiverse of distrust, which Shen was sure he had lived in, such a pure love incapable of betrayal was a valued commodity.
Finally, a self-framing link made the party become the perfect person, entirely acquiescing to the other party's desires. It was the saddest thing ever. It shattered one's Path and made them incapable of cultivating further. Shen knew of only one species like that. They supposedly ran a prosperous business of selling partners to affluent buyers. It wasn't slavery because—
The Heavenly Lightning acted. He wasn't allowed to know why that wasn't slavery or why it mattered.
Anyway, it wasn't slavery, but close enough. Still, they ran a tight business to prevent themselves from going extinct. They were the only race Shen knew of that had that trait, meaning either the others were wisely secretive or had been so thoroughly exploited that he had found no mention of them anywhere.
Shen didn't think holins were like those alternatives. Any idiot in the Myriad Worlds would go for holins if they became practical slaves or beholden to you that easily. They couldn't survive as a species for this long if that was the case.
Still, it should be something similar if E'lemer had given such importance to it. It should be related to romance if E'livia had done it after they shared their feelings with their looks and decided to reach for each other.
Yet, they had decided to wait for the length of her two-year mission before going for anything more than friendship. That length was telling, by the way. Shen would be done with his tribulation after one year, but the sect had told E'livia to stay with Shen for two years—even before she linked with him, too. They had expected her to do it.
Shen asked, "Does it bother you that the Grand Elder knew you'd do it to me?"
The girl looked confused momentarily, then widened her eyes in realization. Then, she blushed furiously. He had seen her become redder than that in the past, but it was a close call.
She opened and closed her mouth multiple times. In the end, she just shook her head too many times, which was cute, and refused to look at his eyes for a while.
So, the Grand Elder being at least able to predict her linking herself to Shen was a huge deal for her. She hadn't been that embarrassed even when she slept on the clouds with Shen and people assumed she had allowed him to have a moment with her—regardless of his lack of vigor. That had been very public.
Shen guessed it was linked to authority and permission. The Grand Elder had given his blessing for E'livia to do that to Shen, and she only realized it now. It also explained why E'lemer looked defeated instead of trying to do anything—
Shen stopped his line of thought.
Trying to guess stuff was annoying. It was also not something he should be doing. E'livia had been forthcoming with him, and as someone calling himself her friend, he should respect her desire for privacy unless he deemed something might be hazardous for her. This wasn't the case.
That said, he missed her openness, and he told her that. "Please, let me know what this is about as soon as you feel comfortable. I'm really curious. And I really like it when you don't hide anything from me. It was one of the things that endeared me to you despite how I disliked other things." He paused, then added, "I'll try to be open to you, too. As much as I can."
The tribulation lightning flared at those words. He had gotten very close to the limits of what he could say about the tribulation and its secrecy. Still, he was almost thankful he could've said that much. Despite E'livia's obliviousness about her own business with the Grand Elder, she had previously connected the dots about Shen's condition. She should be smart enough to do that again. Hopefully, with no consequence to Shen, as the lightning had allowed him to say those words.
To his utmost surprise, E'livia didn't just reassure him but told him what was going on. Very quickly. Her words blurred as she said, "IdidntwanttodosomethingstupidsoIdidsomethinglessstupidbygivingmyselftimetostopbeingsostupidandlikeastupidlovestruckgirlbydoingthestupidancientprematingritualIshouldhaveaskedforpermissionfromDadtodobutImstupidandmessedupandnowIhopeyousendmepackingbecauseImtoostupidandweaktodoitmyselfanddidntwanttogiveuponyoudespiteknowingIshouldbecauseImstupid."
E'livia was stronger and faster than Shen. He had to focus to differentiate a phoneme from another, and it took him a few seconds to understand what she had meant.
Adding and changing a few words for clarification, she had said, "I didn't want to do something stupid, so I did something less stupid. I gave myself time to stop being so stupid and like a stupid lovestruck girl. I did the stupid ancient pre-mating ritual, which I should have asked for permission from Dad to do, but I'm stupid and messed up. Now, I hope you send me packing because I'm too stupid and weak to do it myself. I didn't want to give up on you despite knowing I should. All this because I'm stupid."
Shen immediately hugged her. She tensed, then melted in his arms. Then, she started crying.
He was at a loss about what to do. Sure, he had promised to spend the next couple of years thinking about her as a potential partner, but for now, he mostly saw her as a breathtaking female with a somewhat pleasant personality. As much as he had liked talking to her, he still wanted to bed her a lot more than he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
He was sure her feelings had to do with her reaching middle adulthood, likely linked to physically desiring him for the first time. E'lemer had claimed she had never been herself as much as she currently was. So, either holin biology suppressed their true desires, feelings, and personality until they all exploded like a dam upon reaching middle adulthood, or E'lemer had lied. Considering how much the guy wanted Shen away from his daughter, the former was likelier.
Shen took it to mean E'livia was going through instantaneous external puberty and psychological maturity. External in the sense that she had been perfectly adult until now, but only now could external sensual stimuli affect her, and it came with all sorts of feelings she had never dealt with before. Her mind was growing in all kinds of different directions all at once. Despite her peak C-rank mind, she was still left confused and unsure.
If that was really it...
Shen said softly, "You're not stupid. You're one of the wisest people I know." Not that he knew many people, but that was beside the point. "If you're going through what I think you're going, waiting for a couple of years before doing anything was wise beyond your years." He wanted to pet her head but decided it would cross the line between friendship and something more.
She cried harder at that, then spent a while explaining to him amidst tears what middle adulthood and the pre-mating ritual entailed.
Everything was almost as he had guessed, which led him to trust his memories more. His knowledge wasn't a pile of bullshit. He only got two things wrong.
First, the ritual wasn't unconditional despite being very close to a candidacy pre-attachment. Even if E'livia indeed decided to become attached to Shen in the end, she could still pull off if he was unfaithful, attacked her, or abandoned her physically or emotionally.
That was definitely healthier than a candidacy pre-attachment while retaining the benefits of love and loyalty. He even considered finding a technique like that in the future that went two ways and conditioned one's side permanence to the other.
Second, and most importantly, E'livia was only going through so much at once because she had done the ritual with him—or rather, had done what the ritual required, and it had implications for holins.
The ritual required souls to touch, and holins reached late adulthood when their souls touched anyone. So, she was going from early to late adulthood at once, two stages, with all the hormonal and mental chances that both entailed. As much as she had desired him, she could've pushed him away easily enough. She had done it once by "brother-zoning" him.
However, the Eternal Molten Bluefrost made her more in tune with her most authentic desires, so she acted on them.
The revelation was like a bucket of cold water to Shen. So, she had done all that because she was drunk or close enough to it. His reaction was to immediately ask her to leave him, for he would never touch a woman who was with him only because they were too drunk to stop herself.
But as he thought better about his own experience with the Eternal Molten Bluefrost, he realized once and for all that he could not compare it to a mortal's drunkenness.
Shen currently existed in duality. He was body and soul, Will and sapience, physical and metaphysical. He was one with himself because of his True Center, but the fight between Will and Honor showed that oneness wasn't as thorough as he thought.
The A- liquid had changed that. It had made his existence holistic for a few hours. It had allowed him to reach a balance.
Every part of himself had both given up on some things and gained others in his internal debate. He considered the arrangement to be as close to perfect as it could've been. In fact, he felt like he should aim for that. If his entire self functioned with less pushing and pulling and more harmony, he would never have to worry about losing control in the middle of a battle—or in the middle of life while talking to a smoking hot lady.
Was Shen's experience more legitimate and less harmful than E'livia's? Should he dismiss her decision while under the effects of the Path-harmonizing Eternal Molden Bluefrost just because her desires hadn't been as loud to her as his Will had been to him?
No, he couldn't. The Bluefrost had only helped her as it had him. That was what the most genuine version of E'livia wanted to do.
He initially struggled with the idea because she had done something much more permanent and binding than him while in that state. Yet, it should be something positive for her. In fact, he would've loved if he could've done something as binding to his harmonized self in that state, maybe even changed his Path. His entire existence would've agreed to that change.
In other words, she had done that under a state close to enlightenment, and Shen's repulsion turned into pride and humbleness.
E'livia desired him so much that her entire self agreed with the idea of checking out for two years if he was a good partner for the rest of her life. That definitely inflated his ego.
It also made him better understand the weight of her feelings. Personally, he did feel it was a bit dumb for her to potentially throw herself at someone she knew so little about, but another thing Shen was coming to understand was that each person's Path was their own. How they made decisions was their own business. He wasn't some sort of perfect judge to decide on the correct course of action for everyone. When their Path connected with his, then he could determine if the intentions, decisions, and actions were agreeable to him, not the reasoning that led them to those.
As a matter of fact, not everything was or had to be reasonable in life. Not everything was or had to be about the mind subduing the Will. The mind was biased towards logical thinking because logic validated its own supremacy over the entire experience of existing. If logic was king, the mind was the emperor. Why should it ever conclude reasoning wasn't that important?
Yet, the mind itself also knew biases were dangerous.
Shen wasn't only mind. He was also Will. He was also his bodily instincts, his Laws, his senses. His Path. Everything was him. Dividing himself and deciding which part was more important would only lead to trouble.
As he noticed those things, the seeds of insight stored in his soul were automatically triggered and used one by one. They were like enlightenment on demand, and he had instinctually used a little less than half of them. A few dozen remained.
Shen willingly burned them to decide on the next step to take with his Path.
His reason was against changing his Path right now. He still had time but was rushing into something he knew too little about. The Eternal Molten Bluefrost might've been a trap. Even if it wasn't, it was just an A- liquid. It wasn't perfect. It was also suspiciously convenient that someone could find the ideal road to balance their Path just by drinking a cup.
His Will was also against taking the next step under such conditions. He was Power in himself. To submit to foreign influence went against himself.
In fact, even his instincts were against taking that step to change himself. They feared the consequences. He had just learned a moment ago that fear was helpful.
Shen almost faltered.
He would have if not for willpower.
He found the willpower to do something he couldn't even explain why he was doing. A willpower that came from the spot in his mind that had been cleared by E'vania when she had allowed Shen to recall Shen had karma with other people.
Knowing there was a world out there put other things into perspective.
Shen's experiences in this tribulation were valid. His instinct was his own. His memories weren't forgotten as far as he knew. His reason wasn't twisted. His Will was only partially clouded.
Yet, that wasn't all of himself.
Just as he couldn't judge everyone's Path from his perspective, he couldn't judge his perspective under the biased individual parts of himself.
Shen's current Path was the best expression of himself that he could forge. Thus, it was as lacking as he had been as he put his Path together during his life. He had used logic and instincts to forge himself. They had failed him.
He had to change in a different direction right now.
His mind yelled questions, demanding answers. What was this strange "instinct"—that wasn't an actual instinct—that pushed him to go against his actual instincts? What was this reasoning that his currently imperfect self should change himself now because he had been too imperfect to build a worthy Path in the past? What was that Will that made him Powerful enough to go against his Will's desire not to be affected by anything but itself?
Shen was surprised to find the answer: it was the purest expression of his uncorrupted existence.
It was Boundlessness, the first Concept he had touched.
It was the Law of True Boundlessness that echoed something so deep down within himself he couldn't locate it.
E'vania had described True Boundlessness as "An Anti-Law about Boundaries. Why do you hate Order so, Child of Chaos? I cannot work with that. The Heavens would take it as too much interference."
The old A-rank had also told Shen how everyone was the Heavens in a way. How everyone unconsciously affected it. Yet, didn't that also work the other way around? Wasn't the Heavens also affecting everyone? Affecting him? Wasn't everyone's expectations and desire to be supreme pinning everyone else down? Of course, it was. Everyone could only walk a Path restrained by specific boundaries or punishment struck down out of envy. Quite possibly, everyone had to struggle to think outside of specific patterns, too.
Shen recalled a single species that was more alien than any other: the infinity-edgers. Even they were under the Heavens' purview. Although they thought differently, it wasn't that much. Not as much as existences as alien as they should. They even adhered to some social norms. They had logical minds.
The Heavens were constricting Shen, as they did everyone else.
No real improvement ever came too easily. To walk a Path was to overcome obstacles. Everyone knew their own selves were the obstacle sometimes. So, why hadn't Shen ever considered that his own built, the systems he believed in, his experiences, everything he knew and was could also be an obstacle?
Shen didn't understand how infinity-edgers could exist, yet they did. They were constrained by the Heavens. They were also proof that not all constraints had to be obeyed, just like mere Space didn't have the same hold over them.
Shen might unmake himself beyond repair by going against some constraints his current perspective told him were absolute. But he knew he had to do it. He just knew it.
E'vania's song came unbidden to his mind.
"You punish the evil,
You reward the just,
I deem you unfair,
Oh, Heavens Eternal."
Shen did find the Heavens unfair.
He lightly pecked E'livia's cheek and looked her in the eyes.
"I seek the Supremacy
And Will my vision be True,
I perseverate my Path,
I clad myself in me."
Shen's Path was himself. His vision was one of Supremacy over everything as a whole. To persevere on his Path, he would clad himself only in himself, not parts of himself.
He stopped hugging E'livia and stepped back.
"To upheaval the Law
And remake the False,
To prove myself,
I Walk."
Shen turned to the side and looked at the horizon. His Law Vision revealed the Laws of the world to him. His senses told him everything he was on the inside.
Suddenly, the Heavenly Lightning within him receded a little, and he became able to perceive his whole True Center.
How perfectly his Laws entangled with, repelled, and reinforced each other! It was marvelous. They had a perfect ratio and couldn't be separated without breaking everything. That layer of Laws and emotions perfectly protected his Honor and Will.
And yet, he branded everything he saw and perceived as False.
The step he would take now wasn't about proving his ability to reason a perfect True Center. It wasn't about using sheer Power to make his arrangement work. It wasn't about doing something because his emotions pushed him in one way or another.
It went deeper. Deeper in a way he couldn't explain. Deeper in a way that the mortal mind couldn't describe or comprehend.
Shen was C-rank. He dabbled in the Axioms that defined Reality. He dared to try to master the building blocks of the universe. He was still limited by what he saw, felt, did, or experienced.
But that hadn't to be like that. Deeper down, he simply was...
...and he Walked ahead towards what he could be.
"To be you
Shall be
To be me;
I Ascend."
Shen just knew he had found his essence, which E'vania refused to explain. Indeed, it was on a level only someone whose mind had Ascended could comprehend. It should also be beyond his reach, but here he was. That tickle of willpower from the unbottled memory had reached it—because, like E'vania had said, his current self was too fluid. As it moved here and there, it had allowed him to access a place he definitely shouldn't. A place that he just knew should also be hidden but was somehow uncovered because someone or something had meddled with it in his recent past.
His essence moved forward. The direction was inwards. It led outwards.
Slowly, he would get there. Yes, Shen would become the Heavens, Reality, everything—one day. His Ascension was not yet here. He Walked a Path step by step; he didn't teleport to the end at once.
He was okay with obeying the constraints of Time—for now. The veil of falsehood was torn. He could prove himself over time.
But to prove himself, he first had to become himself beyond the inferior definitions he had now.
Shen clenched his False Center and made it genuinely True.
[A/N: Don't worry, no chapter detailing comprehensive internal changes incoming. This will be over quickly.
This chapter was challenging to write. I had to make things make some sense while not too much to properly reflect how Shen couldn't explain things himself. The feeling I was going to was "reasonably alien."
On another note, I'll answer the questions you asked when we reached chapter 400 on Monday.]
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Comments
Zaim İpek
He is getting really freakishly close to it for someone so young.
Zaim İpek
It's going to be really rough for him to be hit by all that at once. He is too young to have such a complex life.
Christopher Abernathy
This read suspiciously like Liya awakening to her Realization.
Derze
Man... I'm so loking forward for when Shen is whole. The mental backlash from the experience will be SO GOOOD. I LOVE IT. very interesting chapter.
