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Rough Draft - Blood & Chlorophyll Ch. 05

🕑 Added 2024-07-22 17:00:09 +0000 UTC

Comments

Nyx Nyghtingale

You make several great points! I like all of these, and I'll make sure they find their way into the final draft.

AFanofRoses

Another great chapter, as always! I don't mind at all the the first scene throws out a lot of lore and worldbuilding. While it is quite a lot to digest all at once, it fits into its place in the larger context of the story. "What are we going to do?" "Well, here's what our options are, and here's why those are our options." Is every piece of information important right now? Probably not, but I think it's better to have things established early and elaborated upon later, rather than be introduced and explained in minute detail all at once. Now, please allow me to introduce and elaborate upon some of the lines that stood out to me. [“No! We can’t them in!” Alicia shouted, panic setting in.] Can't let them in, probably. [Of course, it didn’t help that she was almost naked, but Katrina suddenly felt . . .] I recommend phrasing this slightly differently, like this: 'it didn't hurt that she . . .' I feel like 'it didn't help that . . .' should be used for situations that are already bad and get worse with the following information. For example, 'It didn't help that it was my fourth speeding ticket,' vs. 'it didn't hurt that the officer was my personal friend.' [. . . Katrina pulled the Dryad in and hugged her tight. “The City has rules in place, . . .] It feels weird to me that Katrina would go directly into explaining something to Alicia. It may be more natural to have a reassurance first, like, "It'll be okay. The City has rules . . ." [She grabbed her phone, tucking it into a makeshift pocket she grew in the foliage around her waist, then paused.] Pockets in women's clothes?! It looks like the Change wasn't all bad.


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