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Rough Draft - Tessa Ch. 01

🕑 Added 2024-07-16 17:00:06 +0000 UTC

Comments

Nyx Nyghtingale

Great catches, as always! I'm glad the narration felt edgier, that was certainly a goal of mine.

Nyx Nyghtingale

I'll take another pass and look for how many times 'steal' comes up. I've definitely overused words in the past, so I know this can be a blind spot for me at times. Raine will be my first character that exclusively uses They/Them pronouns, so I'm still getting used to integrating that into the story. I'll see if I can find a way to clear things up, but I'm aware that it can be a little tricky if you're not used to it. One reason this took a while for me to put together is because I wanted it to hit very specific points. I agree that side stories and spin-offs can often miss the mark, and I put a lot of thought into the presentation of this story, as well as where it'll go in the next few chapters. My goal is for this story to be an interesting read that fleshes out the world, but something that can be skipped without any negative impact on the plot. Absolutley a bit of an experiment on my end, but I'm optimistic about how it's coming together.

Dadhiker

I didn't pick up on Roses observations until I went back, and I agree. You seem to over use the word "steal" early on. When she woke up, there were a "few more hours of sleep to be stolen." A few paragraphs later, Tessa wanted to "steal breakfast." There was a third variation in the same area, but I can't find it now. I suggest you change a couple of those to avoid the redundancy. Raine's pronouns confused me at first and I needed a second reading to get it. I'm not sure you have to change anything there, but other readers (especially older ones) may call you out on that, but that's on them, not you. You could consider giving readers a clue about Raine's pronouns earlier on - to avoid possible criticism. (I'm thinking fewer stars). Younger readers won't need it, older readers might. I'm not a huge fan of side stories, but I've been impressed with your writing so far and if anyone can change my mind, it will be you.

AFanofRoses

I'm so excited for these side stories! The setting for your stories is amazing, and it's great that you're delving further into realms that warrant further delving. It's interesting seeing how different the narration is in a Tessa story vs. an Amara story. Sort of a tougher, edgier version of the excellent work I've come to expect. Therefore, it makes sense that the occasional grammatical error would make its way through. [ . . . they were a complicated web of magic runes that gave her access to various low levels magics.] "Low levels of magic," perhaps. Or maybe "low-leveled magics." [“Mom?” she asked, looking to both sides of the bed. “Dad?”] This isn't a mistake, but something to consider. Later in the chapter, child Tessa calls them Mommy and Daddy. That second set seems more fitting for someone as young as Tessa. I'm not saying that you need to change it or that you should change it, but it's something that stood out to me. Do with that what you will. [“Ugh, you’re no fun.” Tessa said, her eyes full of playful disdain. “But fine, you win this round.”] Tessa foregoing sex. Obvious plot hole.


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