Temple_GD_
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🕑 Added 2023-02-18 08:33:39 +0000 UTC“Auntie Dora?” I might’ve heard that name before but couldn’t place it.
I began summoning my Blanchette mask, ready for a challenge. Our enemy—I assumed she was one—knew that we, mainly me, trashed the Tea Party boss and his minions, but still came here. Either she was pretty strong or stupidly confident.
The large beast with a woman’s voice shrugged off the curtain of fire and smoke. It revealed its monstrous self, serenely plodding on six feet toward us. Feet or hands?
Its muscular legs, disproportionately lengthy compared to its body as if on stilts, ended in human hands. Its massive bulk was covered in a rugged wrinkly hide. A cross between a rhinoceros and a giraffe came to mind. Antlers of rebar bent like abstract art adorned its large oblong head. No visible eyes, but several holes lined its nose ridge.
Deen stood to my right, fists raised, looking scary with the dried blood on her face looking like war paint. Still no word from her Guardian Angel. Vanessa was on my left. The slits all over her right arm quivered, with some opening to reveal rows of fangs.
I grimaced. The gibbering mouth familiars were uncomfortably close.
Three not-so-human girls versus whatever this was. Can we win?
The bizarre monster—I guess all of us were monsters—opened its mouth. Its wide jaws didn’t move, neither did it have lips, but the same voice spoke, “Howya doin’, Len-Len’s daughter? Fierce performance you got here.”
Len-Len? Daughter?
Was this thing talking about Mom? Her nickname was Lendy, not Len-Len, but it sounded close.
And also familiar.
The monster opened its mouth wider and wider, literally grinning from ear to ear. It didn’t stop there. The split continued down its neck, through its flanks. Its front part opened like a hatch, and out came a woman, pulling herself out of wire and organic veins before dropping to the ground.
She was the one talking, not the monster behind her. “We meet at last,” she said. “Or, again? Do you remember your Aunt Dora?”
This Aunt Dora weirdo was almost as tall as Mom and thin as me. She had wrinkled clothes that looked like she randomly grabbed the first thing in a super-packed suitcase. Her hair was tied with a polka-dotted ribbon, taming the hair close to her head before it blossomed into a frizzy mess.
“Should I know you?” I inched my Blanchette mask closer to my face.
“Why, yes,” she said, adjusting her round glasses. “Really sad you forgot about me.”
The glasses were probably just for show because she had glowing bionic eyes. The eyes were like my Mom’s; the wearing fake glasses schtick was like me—funny how that worked. I hadn’t seen anyone who wore eyeglasses in front of their aug-eyes. What was the point?
More importantly, have I met this woman before? She seemed too memorable to forget.
“Euphonia!” Vanessa exclaimed.
“…is what I go by now,” Euphonia said. “Before, I was called Eudora. That’s Aunt Dora to you, Erind brat.”
Why does she keep calling me a brat? Did she really know me when I was a child? Mom always told me I was the perfect daughter, so I had no idea what she was on about.
“Is she with the Tea Party?” I asked Vanessa.
“She’s with the old man who uses the teleporting doors,” she replied. “Both of them aren’t really with us.”
“Then who are they with?” I remembered Vanessa’s explanation about Legba, the small old man with a peculiar handbell. A mercenary of sorts hired by the Tea Party. In turn, Vanessa bribed him to help us bring Mom to safety and open a way for my real body to come to this base.
Could we pay my Aunt Dora to help us? Deen could foot the bill.
“I-I don’t know,” Vanessa said, eyes flicking to Euphonia.
“How can you not know?” Deen snapped. “She might be an enemy.”
“I’m not an enemy if you gals behave yourselves,” said Euphonia. Four mechanical tentacles ending in clamps emerged from her back.
Three of us tensed, wary of attacks.
Hero-wannabe Deen held her hand to shield me as if that’d help. Deen wasn’t telling us to run, so everything should be fine. For now. Would there be a future problem if we let this random woman live, given that she knew who I was?
“Don’t be so uptight, Erind,” Euphonia said. “Can’t you recognize your ol’ aunt? I told you to call me Aunt Dora when you were a kid, but you never did. Creepy kid you were. It was as if you didn’t care about anything. Can you call me Aunt Dora now?” She spread her hands wide as if beckoning me to hug her. Her mechanical arms mirrored her movement.
“None of my aunts have augs.” I closed my right hand to dissipate the Blanchette mask. This mecha-octopus bitch was playing mind games, regardless of whether she was telling the truth or not. I had to act cool and confident, unfazed by her tricks.
“Are you like a long-lost sister of my mother or something?” I wondered. “I never really paid attention at family reunions, so I’m sorry if I can’t remember you… auntie.” I sarcastically stressed the last word.
Euphonia laughed. Her tentacles wiggled like eels. “We’re not related by blood. I’m your oul dear’s co-worker from way back in Ireland. Remember your mother used to work there? You were a wee girl when you visited the office then, so you must’ve forgotten about me.”
If Euphonia knew Mom, was she the reason Mom got kidnapped? Couldn’t be…
According to Imani, they had intel that the Tea Party would attack the Tech Fair even before Deen and I left La Esperanza. They got diverted into tailing us. Also, it was only a couple of days ago that Mom got tapped to be a substitute speaker for some cursed bitch who couldn’t show up.
Mom had three people connected to Corebrings and Adumbrae? Talk about coincidence.
“Such a small world,” Euphonia continued, putting my thoughts into words. “How fecking messed up Len-Len’s life is? Her husband faked his death to prance away with the Corebrings. Then her daughter is an Adumbrae? Poor Len-Len can’t catch a break.”
This woman might be telling the truth that she knows me. My dad’s death could be easily found on the internet. But the stuff about him possibly joining the Hive was a rumor only among friends and family, so Euphonia might be one. But, like, so what if she used to work with Mom?
That didn’t answer if she was an enemy or friend.
“What do you want?” demanded Deen. That should’ve been my first question.
“Where do I begin?” Euphonia inhaled deeply before bursting, “Erind brat! You destroyed this place that I was infiltrating. You killed the people with the information I wanted!” She pointed at Rabbit Ears’ corpse with a tentacle. “You burned, figuratively and literally, the leads of my investigation! I now understand why you gave Len-Len such a headache when you were a kid. She used to tell me stories about you. I’d be knackered if I was your mother!”
“Wha-what?” I was going to ask about the stories my Mom told Euphonia, but then there was something more important to ask. “What were you investigating?”
“Being nosy is rude.” Euphonia wagged a finger in sync with her metal arms. “But it’s for the greater good of the Corebrings, specifically their big gaffer, the head honcho guy. If that translates to the benefit of humanity… then I think so. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m on the side of good here. Anyway, I haven’t even reached the worst part of the right bags you made. Do you know what it is?"
“Am I supposed to know?” I said. All this entangled stuff was testing the limits of my giving a fuck. And what was that about Corebrings?
“You ate Crocker!”
“Who’s that?”
“She’s a Tea Party Adumbrae,” Vanessa explained. “You’ve fought her. She has tattoos that come to life into fire monsters.”
“I remember, I think?” I tilted my head, struggling to recall what I did while in my giant werewolf form. I ate a lot of people, that was for sure. “Sorry for killing your, um, target… Aunt Dora.”
“I was supposed to cut portions of Crocker’s skin with tattoos,” Euphonia said, her bionic eyes glowing fierce red, “and make them into wallets! I can’t do that with the skank digested in your stomach. You’ve lost me my rightful souvenirs!”
“Are you going to kill me for that?” I still had no idea what this crazy bitch wanted from me.
Wallets out of human leather? Was she some kind of psychopath? Maybe she was spouting shit to psych me out. I wondered why there were so many crazies in Nevada. Must be the desert.
“Can’t you let me go since we’re related?” I said. “Sort of. You sound like good friends with Mom.”
“I was going to kill you…” Euphonia dropped her hands, her shoulders slumped, and her octopus arms lowered to the ground. “But there’s no point fighting another Adumbrae—a naturally-occurring one, same as me, unlike the off-brand ones like Vanessa here. No offense, Vanessa. I like you out of all off-brands I’ve met so far. Egotistical slugs who don’t know their place.”
“None taken,” Vanessa said, nervously chuckling. She slowly breathed. Her mouth familiars have calmed down. She probably didn’t want them threateningly baring their teeth.
“Did you say, ‘same as me,’ referring to Erind?” Deen asked. Her angry expression turned into a puzzled one. “You’re an Adumbrae too?”
Good job picking that up, Deen. My caring levels were dropping fast that I missed it.
“I’m as natural as they come,” Euphonia said. She clicked her clamps as if testing tongs while barbecuing. “Minus the machine parts, of course.”
“Does Mom know about you?” I asked. “Does she know you became an Adumbrae? That you’re working with, uh, the criminal underworld?”
“Criminal underworld?” Euphonia rolled her glowing eyes. “When I became an Adumbrae several years back, I faked my death to go into hiding. Took a page from your father. Len-Len didn’t even know I’m alive… until about a couple of hours ago. I met her before this whole place went crazy. A fateful reunion between friends.”
“You mean you saw her here? While she was held captive?”
“That must be why Legba helped us,” Vanessa blurted the next line of my thought.
Euphonia shook her head. “Wasn’t me. No clue why Legba-grouch agreed to get Lendina out of here. I don’t know what he was thinking—no one does. Me? I just chatted with her for old-time’s sake.”
“You were just going to let my Mom die?” I evenly said.
“Calm down, Erind brat.” Euphonia raised her hands and tentacles. “If you put it that way, I sound like a massive tool. What did you expect me to do? Compromise my mission? Good for humanity, remember? It doesn’t matter now, though, with you fecking up everything.”
“I thought you and Mom were friends.”
“From like a decade back.”
“But why—”
“Legba saved her, so no harm done, right?” Euphonia waved her hand as if erasing a chalkboard. “Enough of me; I’m not a narcissist. I’ll be a caring aunt and ask about how you cuttin’ so far. When did you turn into an Adumbrae?”
“Just this January. On the twentieth, to be exact.”
“Your second birthday! We’ll celebrate that next year if you manage to hang on ‘till then.”
“Hang on?”
“You’re quite new, which is why you still possess your mental faculties. You’re very powerful, though young. Fair play. But eventually, you’ll succumb. Cherish your time with Len-Len. Do mother-daughter stuff. I’m a mother, but a different kind, so I can’t give suggestions.
“Once you feel like you’re going to lose control, put yourself down somewhere no one can find your body. Leave a note for your mother. Not a suicide note. Tell her you got pregnant and are running away with a guy to start a family in India. Something that won’t make your mom think you became an Adumbrae. Something that’d give her peace of mind.”
“That doesn’t sound like that’d give Mom peace of mind.”
“Erind will never lose herself!” Deen declared. “I’ll support her in keeping her mind strong against the Adumbrae.”
“Time will tell if that’s merely wishful thinking,” Euphonia said. “But now, it’s the time to get you girls out of here so I can do my thing.”
Several mounds of shadows shifted in the fire. Stepping out, it was more of the rhino-giraffes. They walked past us. One went for Rabbit Ears, scooping up his corpse with its detachable head and wrapping it with wires. The other creatures climbed up the elevator shaft, stopping to collect White Beanpole before ascending to get the other bodies.
Using her tentacles, Euphonia reached toward the rhino-giraffe that stayed behind her. She rummaged through the disgusting insides of her pet, digging through machines and fleshy organs. Her mechanical arms pulled out a thin object—a rectangular board that unfolded into a wider panel.
“Where’s that knob?” Euphonia grumbled. “There! I should organize my things.” A tentacle fished out a shiny object. She laid the panel on the floor and fixed the silver object on it.
“A door?” Deen said.
It was a portable door—Nifty for the powers of Legba. The doors with doorknobs around us have either been destroyed during the fight or eaten by flames. “You’re helping us get out of here?” I asked.
“Unless you girls plan to leg it through a couple of kilometers of rock and wander the desert for a few days,” Euphonia said. “This’ll lead you straight to your mother. I did tell her that you’re alive. I was lying then, but it turned out I wasn’t!” She laughed as the familiar ringing filled the air.
The door on the floor changed into a different one.
“Euphonia, Aunt Dora, wait a bit,” I said. “Didn’t you say you’ve been an Adumbrae for several years? How did you last this long? You seem to be in control of yourself.”
Euphonia might know about Penemue, Hedley Kow, and the Adumbrae who could control themselves. I didn’t ask it outright because it’d be bad if she actually were part of their group. Penemue tried to kill me before we parted ways.
“That’s because I am in control of myself,” she replied. “As to how… I can’t help you there. I just did it.”
“Is it possible for me too? Are there other Adumbrae who have done it?”
“Possible? Yes. But very unlikely. Some Adumbrae has managed to do it, a minuscule percentage. I got no tips to give you. Either you do it or not. I’ll check back after a few months to see how you’re doing; a nice visit from your Aunt Dora.”
Euphonia grabbed the doorknob and opened the door on the floor. The other side was mostly dark and oriented as if it was a door in an upright position. A gust swept over us, cooling my sweat—an icky feeling. The blaze beat back the cold air.
“Tell Len-Len that I kept my word that you’re not dead,” Euphonia said. “Cancel that. It’ll be hard to explain to her that we met. Think of a grand story of how you got out of the Greaves building. The elope with a guy to India story suggestion is pretty good.”
“I’ll think of an explanation,” I said. “Thanks for the help, Aunt Dora. And I remember now. You gave me a Greaves stationery as a souvenir.”
“That’s right!” Euphonia clapped her hands, and her aug-claws clamped their fingers. “Helping you escape is a better gift, isn’t it? Now, go. You and your off-brand friends have fun. Aunt Dora still has work to keep her head on her shoulders.”
I turned to Deen, then at Vanessa. I held the tarp covering me as I ran to the opening on the floor and jumped into it.
Comments
Temple (REND)
- The Guardian Angel is an OP power and dangerous to use narrative-wise because the reader can say nothing “bad” will happen within the timeframe of its sight. What I was thinking of doing here is Erind doing crazy stuff, thinking that they already won anyway. And also, you’re right, Erind views Gabe differently. There are a few interesting concepts to explore here, but I don’t think I did a good job of it. - Yeah, I’m comfortable with 1v1 and 1v many. But group fights are another thing, so I usually separate other people from Erind in group fights. I think there’s also the problem of Erind being very individualistic; even in her own narration, it’s hard to write her fighting with a group. - On worldbuilding (and other aspects), the main challenge is that I’m a panster/gardener (terms for writers that see how it goes in contrast to plotters/planners/architects). While I do have a plan, I change it a lot. For example, the Domino mask was supposed to be used in this arc. Regarding Greaves, Erind and Deen should’ve reached Vegas in one chapter and started the Tech Fair immediately, with Erind’s Mom already joining it. But then I got the idea for the road trip arc to test horror writing and Erind and Deen bonding. The Tech Fair was supposed to be the middle part instead of the road trip, and there’d be another plotline where the Domino mask is used. As for Euphonia, she wasn’t supposed to show up at the end of the arc, but last minute I changed my mind. Also, I had limited time to write with my relatives visiting, so the interaction between Euphonia and Erind wasn’t good. Other things that were planned but changed: Vanessa would only have a minor role, Bianca would reappear and have a more significant role, and Erind would interact more with Imani’s group instead of them getting sidelined. In all, there is plenty that can be improved in the story, given my writing style. Essentially, the panster way of writing is like I’m presenting a rough draft that can change a lot through revising and editing, unlike someone who has wholly panned out the story. But it isn’t possible to bring out the “full potential” of a panster in web novel writing. For one, I can’t make any edits other than minor ones or proofreading. There was a time when I inserted a couple of new chapters in Arc 1 that helped a lot, but I don’t want to do that because it is too much work, and messes up many things now that we’re far into the story. It’s much better to continue writing instead of going back to edit/rewrite (for example, changing the Domino mask scene) because only a few readers reread. Also, revisions take up much time, way more than writing the first draft. For example, Brandon Sanderson, a plotter, has five drafts minimum. For Neil Gaiman, a panster, the first draft doesn’t matter (REND, as is, is technically a first draft) because a panster needs to focus on revision. I will discuss this in the Author’s Retro, so others will understand why the plot is jumbly sometimes. - Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I hope my explanation isn’t too long to read. I don’t plan on revising Arc 5 anytime soon, but I am starting to reread Arc 1 and 2 to turn them into a book someday. It will not just be proofreading and turning them into an ebook. I’ll put massive effort into revising them, so my timeline is two years before book 1 of REND will be completed (hopefully, it’s polished enough for agents/publishers to pick up). If you’re okay, you can give feedback on Arc 1 and 2 instead. I will ask for volunteer alpha readers in the upcoming Author’s Retro.
Skepto
"Got relatives in town for a few days, and I’m feeling a bit under the weather afterward." Yeah, relatives can do that, haha. I'm surprised by how much Erind has been relying on Deen's guardian angel this arc. She always struck me as the type that hates relying on others, but I guess if she can gain an advantage from using something, she will absolutely make use of it. It probably also helps that the guardian angel is something that she can understand, since it's not human. Overall a good arc and good fights. You're really good at the 1v1 or 1vmany fights, but you still tend to lapse a bit with group fights, which is perfectly understandable. I don't think I've seen any author do group fights truly well honestly, other than maybe Wildbow. I feel like you missed a bit of an opportunity to add to the worldbuilding during this arc, like we didn't really learn anything about greaves, despite them sounding like a major world player. And I'm surprised that Erind didn't try to ask more questions of Euphonia about being an Adumbrae, like "What's it like when you talk to your Adumbrae?" or something. I like Vanessa, or at least what I've seen of her. She seems cool, but weird. I still don't understand her motivations, but Erind doesn't either, and it's funny to see how Erind reacts to something she truly doesn't understand. Oh, and what was the point of foreshadowing the new mask, and then not using this arc? I was waiting for the "The neutralizer didn't disable my new mask though" or something so she would be forced to use it. And with all these cool bio-aug stuff, I'm surprised there was no mention of any sort of techno-supremacy or anti-techno purist groups. I could definitely see some religious group sprouting out claiming anybody who gets an aug has "The mark of the beast" in todays society. We're already starting to see a ton of AI fear, which is so funny to me. Fear of progress is what it sounds like. Alright, sorry for the long rant. I love your stuff. You do good work. Keep it up. Let me know if you want any feedback about specific parts of the arc.
Temple (REND)
- Erind is really ungrateful to forget the stationery gift. :D - Erind first thought that Euphonia planned to get her Mom. But she then said "couldn't be" because they didn't know she was going to be a speaker until 2 days prior. - They'll probably think more about what Euphonia said about Corebrings later when everything calms down. Or I'll add in a snippet about Erind wondering now lol. - Maybe Len-Len can turn people into Adumbrae haha. - Most evil people say they're doing good. - Hey, Euphonia didn't go through with killing Erind. She's good. - Though the problem with Vanessa is that she knows innocent people are getting killed for her. Which is also why she has that guilt issue. - I'm still thinking when Erind's mom will discover she's an Adumbrae. - Euphonia's just flaking on Erind. She doesn't even really care about Len-Len after meeting her. She certainly doesn't want to take care of Erind. She's lying about checking up on Erind later, just like she instantly lied to Lendina that Erind is still alive. - Probably, deep inside, Erind does know she was a brat as a kid so she really doesn't mind it, same as how she's self-aware she's petty in high school. Deen for sure wants to fight Euphonia but Gabe is just telling her no. ------- - You're right that bags is mess. An irish slang. Another irish slang to use it as "right bags" <- this one I don't know if I constructed correctly, but let's just keep it as is for now. - That paragraph won't have a closing quote because it's still Euphonia's dialogue the next paragraph. - Thanks for the help proofreading!
OmniHumanist
Anyway, I haven’t even reached the worst part of the right bags you made. Do you know what it is? -> Anyway, I haven’t even reached the worst part of the mess you made. Do you know what that is? (I'm not really sure what right bags are meant to be here) Len-Len doesn’t even know I’m alive… until about a couple of hours ago -> Len-Len didn't even know I’m alive… until about a couple of hours ago “Calm down, Erind brat.” Euphonia raised his hands and tentacles. -> “Calm down, Erind brat.” Euphonia raised her hands and tentacles. I’m a mother, but a different kind, so I can’t give suggestions. -> I’m a mother, but a different kind, so I can’t give suggestions." ----- Really sad you forgot about me -> To be fair, Erind forgets about a lot of people. If Euphonia knew Mom, was she the reason Mom got kidnapped? Couldn’t be… According to Imani, they had intel that the Tea Party would attack the Tech Fair even before Deen and I left La Esperanza. They got diverted into tailing us. Also, it was only a couple of days ago that Mom got tapped to be a substitute speaker for some cursed bitch who couldn’t show up. ->Well, Euphonia originally planned the attack, but Erind's line of reasoning is kind of wack. She doesn't know that Euphonia planned the attack, so is she assuming that Euphonia caused the other person to not show up so Mom takes over the speaker's role? Thus, causing Erind's mom to be kidnapped? But it’s for the greater good of the Corebrings, specifically their big gaffer, the head honcho guy. -> I wonder if they will question this, especially since they know Euphonia is an Adumbrae "How fecking messed up Len-Len’s life is? Her husband faked his death to prance away with the Corebrings. Then her daughter is an Adumbrae? Poor Len-Len can’t catch a break." -> Maybe Len Len will have more close people in the future turn out to be Adumbrae and Corebrings! Or maybe even herself lol. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m on the side of good here -> Good people hold people hostage and experiment on them. Learn something new every day. “I was going to kill you…” Euphonia dropped her hands, her shoulders slumped, and her octopus arms lowered to the ground. -> Wow, killing your friend's daughter is something a good person would do! No offense, Vanessa. I like you out of all off-brands I’ve met so far. Egotistical slugs who don’t know their place. -> Ngl, I kind of like that about Vanessa. She just wants a friend and to develop meaningful connections. Something that won’t make your mom think you became an Adumbrae. Something that’d give her peace of mind. -> I still think it would be fun to discover how Erind's mom reacts to Erind being an Adumbrae. “Time will tell if that’s merely wishful thinking,” Euphonia said. -> Well with SpookyErind, it's not really wishful thinking. “Possible? Yes. But very unlikely. Some Adumbrae has managed to do it, a minuscule percentage. I got no tips to give you. Either you do it or not. I’ll check back after a few months to see how you’re doing; a nice visit from your Aunt Dora.” -> Pretty sure this contradicts what Hedley Kow said to Deen. I wonder if she will notice. “I’ll think of an explanation,” I said. “Thanks for the help, Aunt Dora. And I remember now. You gave me a Greaves stationery as a souvenir.” -> You know, it would be funny to see Deen getting really mad at Euphonia. She kept calling Erind a brat, but Erind here was extremely calm and level headed when talking to her. Maybe one day Erind will get a better nickname then "brat". I hope you get better! Thanks for the chapter!
