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[REND] 1.3 - Crappy Monday
🕑 Added 2025-04-15 02:01:03 +0000 UTCThe lonely echoes of my footsteps through the empty stairwell kept me company. I clutched my stomach with an arm, putting pressure on the wound. My blood dripped on the steps as I gripped the rails with my other hand, almost pulling myself up. My backpack felt heavier and heavier as if I were carrying massive law books. I left them back at my condo because I made notes for class.
My poor notes. They must be soaking red by now.
Should I ditch my backpack?
Wait. My phone was inside. I should call for—never mind. The police should know about the massacre galore going on. Should be dozens of other people calling for help. It wasn’t like the cops would prioritize me. I was on my own.
I reached a landing. Still no Adumbrae. Dunno what it was doing. I looked up, saw how far I had to climb, and let out a string of curses that surprised me. I often cursed inside my head but never in public. Always prim and proper, the perfect daughter my mother raised.
Mom. What about calling her?
I shook my head. She was in Switzerland. I couldn’t remember the time zone difference. She was probably asleep. What was I going to tell her? Goodbye, or some shit? I couldn’t come up with emotional parting words even if death came for me. And I was super dying!
I refused to be cheesy in the face of death. I refused to die.
Climb, climb, climb. The stairs began higher than the level of the railway. Shouldn’t be that much lower than the station’s platform. The stairs going up and down the subway wasn’t that long. I could do this.
Stairs were long? Tall? Deep? How was the length of a staircase supposed to be described? All sorts of nonsense swirled in my head as I continued to lose blood. I felt lightheaded and I gripped the rails with both hands to stop falling.
Sticky. Cold. Heavy. Just continue climbing.
“Huh?” I blinked as I looked at the door in front of me. By some miracle, I reached the top of the stairs still conscious. I couldn’t recall the last couple of minutes or so.
I reached out with my hand, red from my blood. Too weak to push the door open. I inhaled and threw my body against the door. My weight pushed it outward. I fell on the floor.
Sunlight? I was out!
The street. Some people. No screams.
Safety?
Noises of pounding on the door below boomed up the stairwell and cut my celebratory mood. Roars mixed in. Baggy Overalls or a different Adumbrae? Didn’t matter. I hobbled forward as the door behind me swung close, deadening the Adumbrae’s sounds. The last thing I heard was the screech of a can opener ripping through metal, amplified a hundred times. The Adumbrae was coming.
I wanted to run out on the street. Parking area? I didn’t know where I was. But I’d fall without support. Instead, I followed the side of the squat building. Leaning against the wall with my right hand, I started hopping. Agonizing to run or walk fast normally.
“Help! Help!” I could barely shout with how weak I’d gotten.
The people in the distance suddenly broke into a run, yelling in panic. I couldn’t see what they were fleeing from. Another Adumbrae, probably.
“Okay, no one’s helping. Fuck you all.” I spat out blood on the floor and hurried along. I thought I was already saved by reaching aboveground, but obviously not.
Loud banging. A crash.
Checking behind me, I gasped as a ten-foot monster made out of spikes squeezed itself out of the door I had exited. Strips of the clothes it wore when it had a humanoid form draped over some of its spikes. Was this Baggy Overalls? How did it transform this fast? It was still humanoid some minutes ago.
The spikey monster puffed up its chest like a croaking toad, spikes bristling. It got larger and larger. Was it going to burst? I closed my eyes and crouched down, curling into myself like an armadillo.
Layers of whooshes. Several thuds. Spikes must’ve hit the pavement and concrete walls. Glass shattered. Alarms blared as cars got turned into pin cushions.
Did I get hit? I patted my body. No spikes. Still, just one hole that shouldn’t be.
The Adumbrae bellowed, competing with the wailing car alarms. It faced my way, red eyes ablaze with fury. I pushed myself up. My vision went hazy. Searing pain from the exertion. The monster charged at me. I shambled onward, trying to look for somewhere to hide. The car alarms made it hard for me to think. My head was swimming.
But I wasn’t giving up. I was the main character of this movie! I wasn’t going to die this easily.
An even louder blaring noise to my right. Bright red and blue lights. A car heading for me? It swerved, tires screeching. It slammed the Adumbrae. A loud crash and crunchy crunch. Agonized roars. The cop car pinned the Adumbrae against the wall.
A female voice shouted, “Get away from here!”
Duh. It wasn’t like I wanted to stay.
I was in front of a door. Continue fleeing out here or get inside? The Adumbrae wasn’t dead yet. If it exploded with spikes again, better be inside.
I entered the building just as gunfire rang, finding myself in a bleak narrow corridor with doors widely spaced apart along its sides. An office? Maybe not. I didn’t really care. Too weak. Too cold. I forced myself to walk with no clue where I was heading too.
Darkness. I opened my eyes, jolted by gunfire. The floor. I passed out for a moment and fell.
I’m not going to fucking die, I thought as I crawled past an open doorway and into a locker room. Maybe this was for the train employees.
More shots. A female voice yelled. Was the cop dead?
A lot of noise. Metal crunching.
Did the Adumbrae free itself? I needed to hide!
Where’s an open locker? Found one.
I stuffed myself into the tight space, parting the clothes hanging. Not wanting to lock myself inside, I pinched the slits on the locker door and held it in place with my shaking fingers. This would have to do. My left hand remained clutching my abdomen.
No help. Monster outside. Was I going to die here?
I can help you.
The voice popped into my head. Not mine. I had enough consciousness left to realize that. The video I watched at the station returned. Was this an Adum—?
A whole new wave of pain radiated from my wound. Something wriggled inside me! Butterflies made of thorns in my stomach. I fought the urge to scream, biting my lips hard until my teeth drew blood. My fingers held vigilantly on the locker door.
Part of me wanted everything to end. A bigger part wanted to live!
I can help you with that.
“You have got to be kidding,” I hissed. “An… Adumbrae is—urgk!”
A black spike burst through my stomach, piercing the locker door. It also erupted out my back, pinning me to the locker like a note stuck on a corkboard with a thumbtack. I opened my mouth to scream, but the pain was too much I couldn’t make any sound. My arms fell limply to my side; the locker door remained shut, the black skewer holding it in place. A macabre rotisserie human.
The taste of iron filled my mouth. I tried to stop vomiting blood. It rolled down the sides of my mouth down my chest, warm streams on my skin that was steadily turning cold. I didn’t have the energy to cry for help. My head slumped on the locker door.
I opened my eyes.
Nothing.
Total darkness. Pressure on my ears. There was nothing to hear. So weird.
Another blink. I stared at the door of the locker that was to be my coffin, hints of light coming through the slits. Couldn’t move. My heart beat slower and weaker.
The next I blinked it was the void again.
A small point of light in the distance. It grew brighter and brighter until it exploded into millions of sparkles.
It wasn’t merely boring twinkling stars punctuating the darkness. Clouds of colors flew through space, like those pictures of nebula I saw in the encyclopedia Dad bought me as a kid. The mesmerizing display was interspersed with tendrils of darkness, threatening to consume the radiant plumage. The tendrils weren’t noticeable in the backdrop of dark space. But when they snaked through the technicolor fog and stars, I could see their outlines.
Beautiful.
Was this heaven? Did that exist?
Despite not being normal and messing with people from time to time, I wasn’t so bad. Not bad enough to warrant hell. I’d let myself into heaven if I were a god.
I jolted and was back in the locker again as if awakening after falling in a dream. Then I saw double: the real world and whatever this space nonsense was.
Fancy seeing you here this early. A female voice with a mischievous tone.
She didn’t speak into my head like when I internally monologued. It was more like I felt her very words, an unsettling feeling. She was inside my head but I was reading her mind.
“Who are you?” I said the words, but no sound came out. There was no air. I wasn’t breathing anything. But I was alive, and that was the important part. “Am I dead?”
Always leading with stupid questions. I’m you.
“Is that some kind of trick? You’re an Adumbrae.” Some of my earliest memories were of Mom and Dad telling me not to listen to the voices if I’d ever hear them. Other parents surely taught their kids the same. I never thought I’d experience this, but here I was, in the middle of life and death, staring both at the insides of a stinky locker and another freaking dimension, talking to a monster. “So… are you offering to save me?”
Will you accept?
“You’re an Adumbrae,” I repeated.
You’re dying.
“Touché. You know, Adumbrae Ma’am, I used to read touché as touchie, as in touch and—whoops. Random thoughts. Anyway, yep, you’re right that I’m dying.” Which meant I wasn’t dead yet. I had a chance to live. Do I accept this chance?
It’s going to be fun…
“Well, it’s fun to not die. Do I become a monster?”
Does it matter?
“Well, not now. But like, if I’ll apply for a job… I guess I can’t work if I’m dead now anyway. Sure, let’s do this. Save me. Give me powers and shit.”
I lost sight of the locker. My view was solely in this magical outer space. Two points of red glowed brighter than the rest of the lights. Strands of white swirled around the glowing red. Then a flash of blinding gold.
I tumbled forward. Someone caught me.
“Wha—?” I was no longer in magical outer space. A ceiling above me. I was out of the locker.
“I got you, don’t worry.” I focused my eyes on the face of the person looking down on me. A woman with dirty blonde hair tied up in a bun. She wore a dark blue shirt with a color. A shiny badge and a radio thingy on her chest. Was she the cop who rammed the Adumbrae out there?
“I got you,” she repeated, her forehead wrinkled in worry. I must’ve looked like a mess. “You’re safe with me. What’s—? Damn, this is bad,” she added under her breath.
We both looked at the spike protruding out of my stomach.
She felt my back. The other end of the spike was there, sticking out of my backpack. “I’m going to lay you on your side, okay?” she softly said as if I were a child. “I’ll call for help. We’ll get you through this.”
I was about to express gratitude as she rested on the floor when I noticed a concerning feeling. The pain. It was gone. Wait, no. It was still there but severely muted. Compared to the pain of having a hole in my stomach, it just felt like I knotted my abs after doing too many sit-ups. It had been ages since I seriously worked out.
And it was going away. I was regaining my strength and consciousness. The world was in focus.
It wasn’t a dream.
“4B62, the Adumbrae with spikes is in my vicinity,” she said to her radio. “But I do not have visual. I’m inside the building fronting the parking area with an injured individual. Abdominal wound; skewered by a spike. High blood loss.”
I stared at the cop as she radioed for help. She had a back-and-forth with the dispatch officer because no ambulance was allowed to get close. She wanted to carry me to somewhere the ambulance could reach, but she was ordered to stay.
She shouldn’t be so worried—I was no longer dying. I was an Adumbrae.
The cop returned to my side. “Okay, so we still can’t move until things are secured. But it won’t take too long, I promise. Don’t worry. Let me see your wound.”
“No… too painful…” I said with a dramatic groan. I should have an acting award. I twisted my body away from her, covering my abdomen with my arms.
“I’m not going to pull the spike out. That might cause you to bleed more. I want to see the wound so we can clean it and put pressure. We need to stop the bleeding while waiting for help.”
She pulled my hands away. Her force was so weak. Yes, I knew she was being gentle, but I feel like I could snap her wrist if I wanted to. It was inexplicable, this newfound feeling of strength. The closest I could compare it with was fully recovering from a severe flu. Times a hundred.
I didn’t resist the cop. One, that’d be suspicious. Two, I wanted to see what was happening to my wound. It was super itchy. Three, I was interested in the cop’s reaction. This was going to be fun—the Adumbrae was right. A certain giddiness shot up my flanks as I opened my arms. When was the last time I was this excited for something?
The cop tore my sticky shirt and used the cleaner part to wipe away the blood around the wound. “Just slowly breathe, miss. I’ve seen worse injuries than this and they’ve survived. Fortunately, you’re no longer bleeding much. But we still have to put pressure on—” She narrowed her eyes as she peered closer at my wound. “Your skin is growing—Mother Core’s grace!” She jumped away as if I had electrocuted her.
“Wha-what’s happening?” I continued to moan in pain and writhe on the floor. “Please help me…”
“Don’t move!” The cop barked as she trained her gun on my head.
Just like zombies in movies, the weakness of an Adumbrae was their head. Our head. Something about the brain communicating with the monsters in the other dimension. I didn’t expect this cop to react fast considering there had been no Adumbrae in La Esperanza for years. Maybe the ongoing Adumbrae attacks made her jumpy.
“The fuck was that wound?” she exclaimed. “You’re regenerating! Are you another Adumbrae?”
“I… I… was attacked.” I crumpled on the floor, pretending to weaken. “I… don’t understand.”
She stepped closer, probably wondering if she was imagining things. I had lots of blood on me. And why would an Adumbrae pretend to be injured? “Show me your wound! Don’t cover it.”
I turned my body to face her. Awkward to do while on the floor and the other end of the spike stuck out my back. I moved the blood-soaked tatters of my shirt aside.
The cop frowned as she leaned down, gun still pointed at me. Then her eyes went wide. “You’re really an—!”
I kicked her legs with all my might. I wanted to just trip her but my force was so strong it snapped her bones and bent her right leg in a way it shouldn’t. A bang! She yelled in pain as she fell on me. Her smoking gun slid across the floor.
Personal space, lady! My body shivered at the sudden physical contact. I instinctively thrashed around like a cat thrown into water, launching the cop towards the other end of the room. She didn’t move.
I stood up and approached her. "Lady policeman, are you ok? Err... I mean, policewoman. What’s the gender neutral—? Oh, yeah. Police officer. Didn’t mean to be sexist to…"
The police officer’s head got bent at an awkward angle.
Awkward or deadly?
She was no longer breathing.
“Whoops… I didn’t mean to do that.”
Comments
Temple (REND)
I think I can add some lines on self-defense related to entrapment and Rule #4 in the next chapter. Thanks!
Karp Paul
BTW, it will probably make sense for Erind in 1.4 or future chapters to think about how she could plead her case in court: self-defence or accident. It would be funny if something similar would be discussed in one of the classes also, bringing Erind a bit on edge, creeping paranoia.
Karp Paul
Thanks! I am happy to help. As for the gendered terms, I think it is an opportunity to show how Erind is actually awkward and generally lost in this totally unexpected situation. It can be something like "Are you ok, lady cop?... lady policeman? Policewoman? I mean, officer. I didn't mean to be sexist, I just ..." Then, the (first) personal arc of REND can be Erind gaining confidence with her powers and figuring out her place in this supernatural world.
Temple (REND)
That's a way better version of the scene. Plus you got Erind's narrator voice down. She'll really do something like Lady policeman thing. However, we might get a reader complaining about the gendered terms? Should Erind add something like: "Police officer, right. I didn't mean to be sexist to..." I noticed the head was bent at an angle etc. On the prior aggression topic, I'll edit this chapter that Erind did show the cop confirmation of the healing injury, and so Erind just acted first. I'll try this one. Then Erind's self defense line in the next chapter would make sense. Thanks so much for the help!
OmniHumanist
Yeah, I think Karp’s idea is right here. Maybe if the implied aggression would lead to Erind’s death, then she could escalate (so like here when the cop pulls the gun on Erind’s head). So Rule #7 where Erind has to kill everyone else before killing herself applies here since if she lets herself gets shot, it’s basically killing herself. It makes it more interesting if Erind has to manipulate other people.
Karp Paul
I kicked her legs with all my might. I wanted to just trip her but my force was so strong it snapped her bones and bent her right leg in a way it shouldn’t. - The cop should fell with such a wound. And it would be extremely painful, so she should be yelling a lot also, and panicking. She fired but missed. I lunged at her and forced her to the ground. She raised her gun. I swatted it away. Her wrist broke. - Firing a gun should be a natural response for her, given that Erind just "attacked" her, but the cop should be either already on the ground, or falling. “Don’t kill me!” She wildly thrust in desperation, kicking and punching me. Didn’t hurt as much as I expected. - The "don't kill me" line is a bit awkward - it is too fast of a turn, as if the cop had some time to contemplate death, but it all happens in seconds. I suggest replacing with something more simple, like "Get off me!", or not having her say anything because she is in extreme pain. Also, the cop already has a broken leg and a broken bone, so I'm not sure how she manages to kick and punch, she should be in a state of severe pain right now. I punched her jaw. Her head snapped to the side at an awkward angle. - This looks like a very cold finishing move from Erind. She is still an innocent girl at this point, and this looks a bit too calculated, like, she has decided to kill the cop in a split-second. I know, she didn't want to, but why would she punch her jaw at this point? The cop should be on the ground, with several broken bones, in pain, not presenting any danger. My suggestion is to resolve this conflict very fast, so Erind doesn't have time to even realize what is happening. Smth like this: I kicked her legs with all my might. I wanted to just trip her but my force was so strong it snapped her bones and bent her right leg in a way it shouldn’t. While falling, she fired but barely missed. She fell right on top of me, yelling right into my ear. Personal space, lady! I instinctively pushed her with all my limbs. Instead of just getting off me, her body launched towards the other end of the room. She went quiet. I stood up and approached her. "Lady policeman, are you ok? Err... I mean, policewoman!" Her head snapped to the side at an awkward angle. Awkward or deadly? She was no longer breathing. “Whoops… I didn’t mean to do that.”
Karp Paul
I think, limiting Erind has its value. If she has to wait for actual aggression before acting, she would have to use more manipulation (including provoking aggression) and less brute force. I don't think Erind should be the one to escalate conflicts. In fact, I think, it would be even more fun if Erind tells herself that if somebody just wanted to arrest her, she would simply comply, but everybody wants not to just arrest her but to harm or kill her, and she has to react per Rule #4.
Temple (REND)
To Omnihumanist: Yep Erind will reject the Core and then something happens for her to change her mind. That'll be how it goes if ever I'll push through with it. And yes, it will be a new face. The story thread with Dario's group will majorly change. The benefits of Erind getting the core that I can think of are: 1) We can use Pino; 2) Erind will have better interactions with Dario's group; and 3) we can develop Dario's group. I'm weighing this against the previous storyline, what we'll be giving up and so on.
Temple (REND)
- On the surveillance, I'm going to cut back on all surveillance capabilities. Like the Professor and his organization watching everything, that applies to how powerful the BID is and Corebrings in terms of observing things. A problem I've encountered previously is that Erind's movements are incredibly restricted because of it, leading to a loss of agency. There will also come a time that Erind will obviously be dangerous; by then, the BID or Corebrings can decide to delete her. And so, I'll just cut back on surveillance. The most we'll have this Arc is a cop investigating this or something. - My tentative reason for Erind to accept the Core is to try to keep control of her body. What she knows is that the Adumbrae will fully control her eventually. She's going to try anything to stop that, even accepting the core. The Erind/Deen dynamics can be tweaked. Like Deen is guilty Erind has to take the core. Pino will be used so Erind really needs protection there. But there are other things to consider if Erind takes the core, that's why I'm still on the fence with it. It opens whole new plotline, but that means we'll also lose many of the old plotline.
Temple (REND)
I've edited the cop and Erind's interaction a bit. Also, I'm going to use "whoops, I didn't mean to do that." But just for this chapter. Or at least sparingly. It might be edgy if it's repeated a lot. Small spoilers for the next chapter, the cop did hit Erind but Erind didn't feel it a small demo of Erind's change. In certain situations, I don't think we'd need Rule #4. Like here, Erind is justified to act first in self defense. It might be too problematic if Rule #4 is strictly applied such that she has to wait for actual aggression before acting. What do you think?
OmniHumanist
The thing is, I think that for Erind to agree to accept the core means going against the face that she typically wears in school and with Dean, and she is all about appearances. If she accepts the core, there is no reason for Deen to be so scared for Erind, and this kinda ruins their dynamic. -> I think the right route to handle the artificial Core is that Erind initially rejects it. But then later on, Erind starts to get worried about SpookyErind taking over, so she wonders if the artificial Core stop that. So she decides to get it. For the face, something similar happened with Bianca. She had an initial face where she was just a normal human girl and is forced to create a new face when Bianca exposes her as an Adumbrae. Here, Erind just has her normal human girl face that wants to be normal and uninvolved. But once the 2M's interfere in Erind's life by kidnapping her, she clearly starts working with the artificial Corebrings. This is clearly a new face, because the old one no longer works where Erind just wants to live a life normally. She said in 1.12 that she doesn't "want to fight monsters and play the hero". But now she is technically helping out the Corebrings against the Adumbrae. So for this new face Erind decides to help the group out and potentially get a Core out of it. Also, Erind can see the usefulness in exploiting Deen's protectiveness in her favor. So this is where Temple's idea of "using" Pino as Erind's Corebring power comes in. Deen is still forced to protect Erind, and maybe this triggers her protective hero complex even more. She couldn't protect Erind from getting kidnapped by the 2M's, and even now that Erind has a Core, it still leaves Erind totally vulnerable. So now Deen is stuck protecting Erind. And Erind can continue using this against Deen, building on Deen's guilt for failing to protect her.
Karp Paul
As for the interaction with the cop. The cop should shoot Erind first! Then, the Rule #4 applies.
Karp Paul
'whoops, I didn't mean to do that' - this can become a new catchphrase, I like it :) Though, it is a bit edgy.
Karp Paul
I think, the cop's priority should be getting civilian out of danger, especially a wounded one, so, if the Adumbrae is pinned, she should prioritize getting to Erind and saving her, not instructing her to hide somewhere because a bleeding person will likely lose consciousness and, well, die, before anybody can find them, even if the wound is not that deep.
Temple (REND)
- The cop was telling her to hide because the Adumbrae wouldn't stay pinned for long. I'll think about what's a more appropriate line. The cop knows Erind isn't going to get far as she's bleeding. Though a generic 'get away from here' might work too. Telling to hide is too specific. - I'll review Erind's conversation with Serind. - I think what we can do here is that the cop will tell Erind to go away. Then Erind hears the Adumbrae free itself from the wall. Or just generic roars and shouting. So Erind will think to hide because the monster might be coming. And so, I'll change the dialogue a bit. - I'll add that Erind was a cheerleader here. - Erind has described herself a bit in chapter 1, she checked her appearance on the phone. I think there'll be no need for the cop to describe Erind's appearance, but I'll add the extent of injury since that'll be important for coming help. - I felt really iffy with the cop interaction lol. Thank you very much for pointing out is problems. I'll be fixing that later. I'll also release another chapter by tomorrow. - As for the ending. Can it be like 'whoops, I didn't mean to do that'?
Karp Paul
That might be a valid reason for accepting the core. The thing is, I think that for Erind to agree to accept the core means going against the face that she typically wears in school and with Dean, and she is all about appearances. If she accepts the core, there is no reason for Deen to be so scared for Erind, and this kinda ruins their dynamic.
Karp Paul
From the start. The police won't know about Erind's role in this whole situation, but a powerful agency, like BID or Corebrings, could notice her involvement and decide to observe her. Also, it might show how BID or Corebrings is not only about fighting, but they really need to do intelligence. So, Dario's group might be a "side-project" of such an agency, just one of the many efforts they make to deal with Adumbrae. They would think that Erind is actually a weak unmanifested Adumbrae, so she can be handled at any point, but it is also a good chance to try to analyze how Adumbrae behave before they completely transform: are there mood swings? Are there any distinct behavioral patterns, and so on?
Temple (REND)
Is this after Erind becoming Red Hood? Or you mean that Dario's group was supposed to observe Erind right from the start? A new idea occurred to me, Erind will accept the artificial Core in an attempt to "get her body back from the Adumbrae". Her thinking is that she'll let the Core and Adumbrae "fight", and Erind will retain control. Not a good plan, but she doesn't really have any actual solution to retaining her mind. As of this Arc, she'll think SE will takeover.
Temple (REND)
- We will have a proper meeting with SE next time. Previously, Erind met SE and then immediately got Blanchette. I want Erind to focus on just having a super body before introducing Blanchette. SE will introduce the faces by then. - Lol, this is a dirty blonde. Deen is like pure golden blonde I think. - Good point about referring Erind's cheerleader past. I'll include that in the next chapter after getting super body. - We'll actually change the kidnap scene a bit such that your idea about Deen's protective side will be developed more. - Maybe two members per mission, so like three missions while we have smaller plots like cop plot on the side. In the original, I rushed Erind becoming giant werewolf because there weren't many readers. I thought that would interest people. Really sad I sacrificed story telling back then. - I really liked that Stella part too. We'll have more of that instead of brawling. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Temple (REND)
Yep, this is just a sneak peak. Erind and SpookyErind will meet for real next time.
Temple (REND)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here and on RR! We'll have more on the perspective of governments and other factions. There really was supposed to be a plotline on that, but I dropped it due to lack of planning. All the info dump of Dario at the start hinted at it.
Karp Paul
What if Dario's group is tasked to secretly observe Erind (without specifics)? This is why they are trying to get closer, be more friendly, and recruit Deen (without telling her what their mission is). The reason - because Erind doesn't lose her mind, or maybe she has a protector at a very high position? And all the "missions" are simply tasks from higher-ups that want to explore Erind's capabilities. At the same time, Dario's group does not know the reason - that Erind is Adumbrae - they might think that she is a candidate for Corebrings (and therefore she should not take an artificial core - she would be offered a real one at some point).
Karp Paul
-Maybe you could have a reference to how Erind was a cheerleader here? - Oh yeah! She used to be a cheerleader. That's a good point!
Karp Paul
I really like this chapter. Especially the beginning of it. It captures the tone very nicely. Here are my comments: A female voice shouted, “Hide inside! Through that door!” - Why would a cop tell Erind to hide inside, though? She should keep her in sight because Erind is bleeding and needs help. Maybe replace it with smth like, "Get away from here! Run if you can!"? "Touché. You know, Adumbrae Ma’am, I used to read touché as touchie, as in touch and" - this is great! More of this, please :) "Come on. Don’t be shy." - Isn't a bit out of character for Serind to try convincing Erind? I don't remember how exactly it was in the old version, but I think she should be just giving a choice and not trying to convince. Otherwise, it makes little sense to her. She has already been through multiple Erinds, and if this one does not have enough will to live to accept the deal, then what's the point of convincing her? My recommendation would be to replace it with "Do you accept?" - also showing that Serind knows Erinds thoughts (a line above Erind asks "Do I accept this chance?"), or that their thoughts are aligned somehow - but not drawing too much attention to it. "Good job hiding, okay?" - Well, not so good, considering Erind was still wounded. Besides, it was lucky that the cop found Erind pretty fast. I think, from the cop's perspective, hiding is a bad idea. "it just felt like I knotted my abs after doing too many sit-ups." - Erind doing sit-ups? It's hard to imagine, lol. Was it a one-time occurrence, or did she indeed exercise from time to time? "I’m inside the building fronting the parking area with an injured individual.”" - she should provide a basic description, like a white female (is Erind white? I thought she was mixed) in her early twenties, about 5 foot. Also, it is a good place to describe how Erind looks. She also should provide more specifics about the wound on the radio, like, "abdominal wound, high blood loss" She should continue doing it while trying to see the wound and looking for other wounds on Erinds body. "“Follow my instructions so I can help you if you’re truly innocent,” she continued. “Any movement outside of my instructions will be deemed hostile. Lethal force is authorized. You don’t have any rights until I can clear my suspicion. Our interaction is being recorded.” She stepped closer, probably wondering if she was imagining things. “Show me your wound! Don’t cover—ah!”" - the cop is a bit too calm. I think she should be more panicky and doesn't shoot Erind, not because she is trying to check her, but because she has never been in this situation before and cannot make a decision. Smth like "Don't move! Fuck! Are you Adubmrae?! Answer me! Did you hear voices?! Are you Adumbrae?!" “Adumbrae!” she shouted with hatred and pain - Why hatred though? She should be panicking, not hating. She is in a dire fight-or-flight situation, and she probably still does not entirely believe that Erind is Adumbrae - the reality changes too fast to adapt. Also, this is a good chance to show how Erind is different from other people because Erind was in this life-or-death situation moments ago, and we saw how she behaved; here we see another person suddenly in a life-and-death situation, and we can now compare her behaviour with Erinds. “I… killed a person.” - This sounds awkward. I would replace it with smth like "Are you alright? - She wasn't" - this shows that Erind does not fully realize the reality. She still thinks that she is weak.
Metal(Liz)ard
Looking forward to more spookyerind meyoumeyou interactions
OmniHumanist
Fancy seeing you here this early. A female voice with a mischievous tone. -> Interesting that most of the 'dream world' sequence inside of Erind's mind gets skipped this time. I'm pretty sure it took up an entire chapter? There were fun moments though like Erind was considering if this was like sensory deprivation. And then Erind brought up the Rule where she couldn't kill herself unless she killed everyone else. On the other, hand I think you're trying to be more fast paced with the opening chapters, so maybe this can be developed later. A woman with dirty blonde hair tied up in a bun. -> Is it bad that I saw the word blonde and immediately went, "Hey Deen is here!"? Compared to the pain of having a hole in my stomach, it just felt like I knotted my abs after doing too many sit-ups. -> Maybe you could have a reference to how Erind was a cheerleader here? Actually, not sure if sit ups are part of being a cheerleader, but this could be related to how Erind was more fit in high school. Originally, I wanted Arc 1, or we can call it Book 1, to reach all the way to Erind’s escape from Eve. However, I now want to take it slow, in the sense that I’ll use Book 1 to develop the world and characters further. A problem with the original REND is that the factions at the start are already too powerful, like the Professor can control government assets and everyone is afraid of the Corebrings because the High Overseers can wipe out cities. That limited Erind’s freedom and progression a lot. Now, we’ll have small-scale missions with Dario’s team. -> That makes sense. You can also use it to build on some important character moments that only get brought up later in the original REND. Like on Royal Road, I left a comment about how you could expand on Deen's protective / overbearing side starting to develop after the 2M's kidnap Erind, and Deen feels at fault for letting Erind getting kidnapped. Maybe have a mini mission associated with each team member, and this builds to the climax? Since the other team members in Dario's group didn't really get much development till arcs 4 and 6 (Myra in arc 4, and the others in arc 6 when Erind interacts with them with Domino). Also, the power scaling back is good. I think it works better because there are only really two types of enemies Erind encounters - ones that are too weak for her, or ones that are too strong for her. You could maybe have some interesting moments where Erind really has to use her brain to take an Adumbrae or Corebring down. This is actually something you did well in arc 3 - taking down Stella required a very unique train of thought where Erind had to recall Clive's power. Thanks for the chapter!
Krzychu0304
It seems to me that an element that could be included in the plot is a greater role of the government and the secret services (I wrote a bit about it in the comment under the last chapter on RR), after all, they are the group with the greatest resources on the one hand, and on the other it seems that they should also be vitally interested in replacing the mother core as a competing center of power.
Krzychu0304
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