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[REND] 3.2 - Those Above the Law

🕑 Added 2025-05-02 07:33:16 +0000 UTC

Comments

Temple (REND)

Good suggestions on separating the lines. And I used the next chapter for some more expo about the Corebrings. I'm thinking that things will escalate in Book 1 such that some Corebrings will come in Book 2. Maybe Clive and Trepanner.

Temple (REND)

Maybe it's Deen from the ExD dimension that got ported over to this world, haha. And I like the pace too. Even way back, I always wanted to take Arc 1 or Book 1 slow to establish the characters. My mistake rushing it. Another reason why we have the rewrite.

Karp Paul

"Deen is becoming gay already lol." - I think Deen should be canonically bi or just pansexual, but that's up to Temple to decide.

Karp Paul

“Oh, Erind, you’re here,” Adrian said. - Oh wow. Now I really wonder what he wants... “I don’t know much,” I kept repeating. “I was just running. I didn’t see Adumbrae or dead people.” - You can separate those phrases into different lines, showing that Erind answers different people: “I don’t know much.” “I was just running." "I didn’t see Adumbrae or dead people.” I kept repeating. I assume the conversation will continue in the next part. This conversation might also be a good opportunity to add some exposition about Corebrings, like, when did the Hive appeared and how it operates - mention some past events, which would be relevant for this discussion about Hive's legal status.

Karp Paul

I like this title much better

OmniHumanist

Deen audibly exhaled. “Come up with a better line.” -> Deen is becoming gay already lol. “Erind, are you alright?” asked the guy sitting next to me. Ramello Staten was his name, Mr. Overachiever. -> Hey look, Ramello is in this class now. “Erind, were there really three Adumbrae?” -> Maybe there should be a small mention of how people here knew Erind was on the train. Maybe Deen could have gossiped? And now she regrets it. Or Ramello? “Did you see Kelsey there?” Adrian asked. “I heard that she rode the train with the monsters.” -> Is this how Erind and Deen meet Dario's group? Interesting. “From Section Three? I don’t think I’ve seen her around there.” -> Wow, Erind is already doing better at remembering names that the last one. The previous Erind has no idea who Kelsey was at all lol. She was treating me like a freaking baby. -> Erind could mention her age here. And contrast it with her shortness. She could make a small comment how she wish she was as tall as Deen or even her Mom. “Shush, you guys,” Deen hissed from my other side. -> Maybe Deen could tease Erind about Ramello later for payback since Erind teased Deen about Adrian. I did that because REND was on Trending at that time, and people wanted OP MC, the usual stuff. Now, there's no pressure to do that. I'm thinking that we should explore the small stakes stuff first. -> Sounds good. I think having a strong lead tag would still be a good idea on a site like RoyalRoad. Thanks for the chapter!

Metal(Liz)ard🏳️‍⚧️

Dean already plotting devious acts to do to erind in the back of her mind i just know it. I like the slower pacing so far it gives more room for characterisation. last version we never really saw dean and erind hang out before everything went wonky with the fake corebrings so it's interesting to see a relatively normal day for them in class


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