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[REND] 10 - An Inquisitive Tower

🕑 Added 2025-06-20 04:33:32 +0000 UTC

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Temple (REND)

- Thanks for the help proofreading! - At least Erind knows the fourth Adumbrae might be Kelsey - Yeah, I feel like we lack worldbuilding in the original REND. - I've noticed that readers like side POVs if they contain reactions to Erind, and are connected to the main plot. That's what I'm practicing now. This is training to avoid the mistakes of the condo arc. - This is Reo not giving an f about the situation. There are hints that he regrets joining this thing, plus complaints about his job, etc. He's the danger to the group essentially. - Yes, we'll add a discussion like that. I've been meaning to add it, it's just that I don't have the time. I haven't even gotten around to making edits to 6.5 and 6.6 before that so I can gauge what their conversation would be in 7.2. - Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Temple (REND)

That's Reo for you. And this is the risk the organization is willing to take. For sure, they've dealt with this before. And the girls at Eloyce probably didn't think much about it. They don't know anyone's watching them.

Temple (REND)

I just finished early so I thought to release it lol.

Temple (REND)

Thanks for your support!

Temple (REND)

Yep, I had this happen so we might have Hall investigate it so we can see how the organization reacts to this. This wouldn't be the first time something got exposed, I'm sure.

Danger Mittens

"If these videos were admitted as evidence, they would be cataloged, meaning there would be records. Their absence would be caught by a federal agent." Yeah, I think BID would take this super seriously. Videos of the Adumbrae attack going missing indicate that multiple folks higher up the chain are corrupt and compromised. Maybe include an internal investigation when BID takes over. "A survivor of an attack would be praised as a hero in normal circumstances or at least supported (in the real world), e.g., a survivor of a terrorist attack." Wouldn't the survivor of an Adumbrae attack have a high chance of becoming an Adumbrae themselves? "This logic is really flawed. Highly-populated areas are not easier to watch." That depends on the tech involved. If you have Adumbrae detectors in multiple places, and folks are being actively monitored, a city is better than the outskirts for Adumbrae safety. China is a good example, mass surveillance reduced the crime rate in China. "Since he has been a cop for many years, he should have a professional deformation and think of Erind as a person of interest or even a suspect, and not empathize with her." She should be a person of interest like every other survivor. The missing Adumbrae is likely to be Kelsey, and the other Adumbraes were all killed. Unless he thinks she is part of the org that arranged this, she should not be a suspect. If Kelsey is found not to be an Adumbrae, then Erind is a suspect, along with the rest of the survivors. "time to call a backup, possible Adumbae sighting in a populated area." Agreed, this should be changed. His actions should be something a strong human is capable of for the cop to keep track of him but not call backup. "As a cop, he should be analyzing more." Agreed, but he should be biased in drawing conclusions. He seems to have an interest in Adumbrae, so it's likely for him to assume the suspect is an Adumbrae. I think the BID should investigate survivors. There is no guarantee that they are innocent.

Karp Paul

Why did you change the title convention? Also, there are now too many chapters from non-Erind's perspective. That kinda diverts the focus from her. "What if I report the missing videos to the BID? Hall was sure several pieces of evidence of the Adumbrae attack had gone missing in the past few days. They were there before. He had reviewed them. Now, they were gone. The reasons he'd been getting ranged from they had already been transferred to the BID to that he was hallucinating about them." - If these videos were admitted as evidence, they would be cataloged, meaning there would be records. Their absence would be caught by a federal agent. Immediately, people who say this evidence never existed become prime suspects. "Or she might've heard that survivors of Adumbrae encounters were shunned by their communities, due to the stigma of having been near such a monster." - this needs more explanation. A survivor of an attack would be praised as a hero in normal circumstances or at least supported (in the real world), e.g., a survivor of a terrorist attack. Since this diverts from normality, I suggest adding an explanation. "Innocent reasons." -> Resobale. Or smth like a "reasonable reaction." The phrase "innocent reasons" makes very little sense in English. "This Hartwell girl knows something about the mysterious woman who might be the fourth Adumbrae. There was something in Hartwell's reaction that tripped off Hall's police instincts honed over the years." - Since he has been a cop for many years, he should have a professional deformation and think of Erind as a person of interest or even a suspect, and not empathize with her. "Why would they do that? Under normal circumstances, the Leska girl, particularly, wouldn't have ridden such a shoddy vehicle given her status. Under normal circumstances." - They are buying weed/drugs off somebody; that is the immediate theory. He should think of at least a couple of alternative explanations for their behavior, given his experience. "Concentrating the population in specific areas meant an easier time for the brand-new super agents of the BID to watch over them." - This logic is really flawed. Highly-populated areas are not easier to watch. It is too many people, harder to observe and notice patterns, easier for criminals to hide. More potential targets for criminals. Also, more stress (which increases the risk of seeding) and more victims in case of emergency. "She didn't seem to be among the dead, which was good news. The bad news was that there was no trace of her. Odd, but nothing that set off alarms." - Is he a cop or an idiot? A female student vanishes during the Adumbrae attack but is not listed as dead? That should be a giant alarm bell going off. At the same time, there are reports of a female Adumbrae showing up. "mimic an oil" -> owl "Spine cord severed, causing instant death. What kind of sadistic criminal would do this? Hall guessed a personal motive or a particularly malicious person." - As a cop, he should be analyzing more. For example, this was a very brutal person, not normal strength, so... augmented? or Adumbrae? But Adumbrae would likely leave a giant mess behind and not care about hiding the bodies. The death was quick, with no toying or torturing, so maybe a hit or a random kill by someone powerful. Maybe they witnessed something or crossed somebody's path. Who are these guys, and why were they found together? What is a connection? "These people, whoever they were, may know something about Red Hood." - So far, there is no connection between Red Hood and the subway attack, so he should not focus on Red Hood. The people he is watching are related to the subway attack. "Hall's eyes widened as the ponytailed man lifted his motorcycle, wheels off the ground, and set it back down, aligned with the others." - time to call a backup, possible Adumbae sighting in a populated area. As I mentioned earlier, there are a bit too many chapters focusing on minor characters. However, the Tower cop could be a good "third person" for this arc. I advise editing this chapter and adding more details because a police officer would notice them. For example, what was Erind and Deen wearing? What was the color and model of the van? Motorcycle? What was the exact time? These would be the notes a cop would take when observing people of interest or suspects.

Vaporus

I think I'm going to start doing any commentary or proposed corrections in a reply to my original comment or a new comment entirely. I keep ending up having to edit my original comment a lot to shove stuff in.

Vaporus

And she was so proud of herself when there was no mention of it on the news. :(

Vaporus

Excellent writing, good stuff! Hall took a deep breath. The captain was wrong—this wasn’t connected to that incident—but he didn’t want to argue about it. He sat there, clearing his mind of his mistake years ago. There was no repaying that. And he had learned a valuable lesson of investigating thoroughly before accusing. -> Em dashes! I like seeing those, good usage. Need to either combine the last two sentences or remove the And. Possibly 'about investigating' instead of 'of investigating'. What could they be doing there? Drugs? Something more sinister? Hall couldn’t follow them into the abandoned development because they’d pass an empty road; he’d be spotted. He chose to wait by the corner, heading to the only path to New Hope. He tucked his unmarked car in the slot between a boarded-up shop and a three-story building home to dust and spiders. He also draped a wide cloth made of rugged material over the hood of his car to make it old, blending in with its surroundings. -> He draped a wide cloth over his car to make it old?... look old maybe? -> also not sure 'heading to the only path' works best maybe use leading? I think it can work either way they mean basically the same thing but for me heading seems more like he's going that way where leading is more the road goes that way? I had to look up the difference.. apparently heading is more direction of travel 'heading east' leading is more where it ends 'leading to the path'. I dunno the sentece to me reads like he's stopped on the corner but also going on the path and I think you mean he's stopped at the corner and the corner ends up on the path further down. Both bodies had snapped necks. An odd cause of death. No gunshots. No stab wounds. Not even regular strangulation. Why did the murderer choose to violently snap their necks? Hall checked the pictures of the bodies on his phone. One guy had his neck bones completely detached, his head flopping about like a rubber chicken. The second victim’s fatal injury was also inexplicable, his head forced to turn more than a hundred eighty degrees, as if someone forced him to mimic an oil. Spine cord severed, causing instant death. What kind of sadistic criminal would do this? Hall guessed a personal motive or a particularly malicious person. -> I feel the shattered leg or legs need mentioned. As I've said before I'm not so much punctuation focused when reading and am quite willing to gloss over the odd plot hole but word usage makes a big difference to me...

OmniHumanist

Typos: ‘McHunters Charity Shelter -> ‘McHunters Charity Shelter' The second victim’s fatal injury was also inexplicable, his head forced to turn more than a hundred eighty degrees, as if someone forced him to mimic an oil. Spine cord severed, causing instant death. -> The second victim’s fatal injury was also inexplicable, his head forced to turn more than a hundred eighty degrees, as if someone forced him to mimic an owl. Spinal cord severed, causing instant death. ----- But Hall couldn’t force himself to let this be. This Hartwell girl knows something about the mysterious woman who might be the fourth Adumbrae. -> Funnily enough, not really. The Mega Cities program became mostly forgotten, though some states tried to continue it, like California, given its history with Adumbrae Titans during the Adumbrae War. -> Nice to see some more worldbuilding here. As well as some familiar lore too with the McHunters. Their statements were that their friend followed a woman wearing a Red Hood. They hadn’t seen her since then. -> I'm sure they'll see her soon! What kind of sadistic criminal would do this? Hall guessed a personal motive or a particularly malicious person. -> This was actually self defense lol. Although, it is cool to see it other characters' reaction to Erind. Also, poor Kelsey getting blamed for Erind. Hall’s eyes widened as the ponytailed man lifted his motorcycle, wheels off the ground, and set it back down, aligned with the others. -> Oh no! Reo's using superstrength in public. I think this is quite early, and only Deen used superstrength in public in the Old Version's 4.2/4.3. But she had an emotional reaction to saving Julie. And she's lucky to have her Guardian Angel. A bit weird to have Reo doing it. Especially since he's afraid of dying? He wouldn't want to expose himself in public. And I think it's like the middle of the day too, not at night. An explanation later would be nice. Perhaps Dario needs to have a conversation about super strength in public. You have no idea who might be watching... Some edits and additions to chapters 8 and 9, like more security for the truck. I also clarified the group's aims in attacking the docks -> Cool! I would suggest maybe adding some dialogue between Erind / Deen in 7.2 discussing how they're kind of trapped into this. And what are their options. Karp mentioned this in the giant comment chain in the previous chapter that Erind and Deen are kind of coerced into taking the Cores and just accept it. In my opinion, I think it's fine for them to be coerced because from Erind and Deen's POV, they are just 'regular humans' who can't really overpower Dario. And then they don't report it either because the BID could track them down (their anonymous tip lines could be not so anonymous after all), and they also aren't suicidal enough to risk this. But I agree with Karp they should have a discussion about this. Maybe weigh the pros and cons. And then they are resigned to this fate. Besides, the 2M's are worse people. Erind could say some cheesy line about how "The enemy that's fighting my enemy is my friend." And Deen could correct her and say the saying is "The enemy of my enemy is my friend." Maybe ExD readers can comment below on what they think of it for the new patrons. -> It was cool since it blended some character development for Erind and Deen into some romantic moments. And the smut really paid off. I would say the main difference between the previous version of REND and the Erind x Deen spinoff is that Deen is horny in the spinoff. And that's what mainly starts the plot going and sets up the romance. Thanks for the chapter!

hyakkiyak0

Reo, you absolute fool. You could've just rolled it... given that Hall's found out, he'll either be silenced or get recruited later. Can't wait to see what happens.

TheHornedOne

Also poor Erind got lied to by movies, she thought the bodies would stay hidden lol

Brian Pierce

Interesting

TheHornedOne

😑Using super strength in public to move your motorcycle a bit is…. Not smart. I guess this is what happens when you secretly give superpowers to civilians. Unless he got it on camera Tower won’t be able to prove it though, but this will make sure he investigates them more. Getting in the Van right out of college also wasn’t the best play, but it makes sense since Blank is the only one who seems like he might be properly trained for this

TheHornedOne

Ooh, earlier chap than normal?


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