Akumakami64
patreon
Blood Gulchers 36
🕑 Added 2025-06-28 06:53:46 +0000 UTC"You have got to be fucking me," Church said as he stood on the wall of the base with Tucker, booth looking through sniper rifles.
"No, but I wish they were fucking me," Tucker countered with what he imagined was a smooth tone.
Church sighed, even if he expected that response as he looked back at the latest thing from the fantasy world they were in.
It was two women hiding at the edge of the forest, dressed in garbs and face paint that belonged out of some movie with barbaric tribes. He supposed these might be some equivalent of ancient Germanic tribes- and his AI-ness was showing. That would take some getting used to. He refocused on the rather....interesting thing about these women. Namely their ears.
Their bunny ears.
"Do you think asking them to hop to it would be a good bedroom line?" Tucker asked idly.
"I think it'll be a quick way to make them want to castrate you," Church said with a head shake as he lowered his holographic rifle. It was really just his own sight zooming in on a location, but using the sniper rifle in ghost form was a comfortable habit now. "Right, where's Andy?"
"Why do you think I know anything about that?" Tucker asked blankly.
"Figures," Church said. "You stay here and keep an eye on them."
"I like these orders. No complaints here!" Tucker said lecherously.
"Just tell me if they get any closer," Church said with a head shake. "I'm going to find Andy and wrap shit up....and get a temporary body."
"Lopez?" Tucker guessed expectantly.
"Lopez," Church confirmed before vanishing from sight.
"Well, time to enjoy the view," Tucker said as he turned to look through the sniper rifle again.
"Private Tucker?"
"Huh?" Church looked over to see another soldier. A shorter one that he could tell was a woman. "Sup, babe?"
"Commander Velimier wanted someone to keep watch on the ....bunny women," she explained. "And I volunteered."
Tucker stared at her for a moment before smirking under his helm. "So, you go both ways or do you just bat for the home?"
"I...! That is highly inappropriate and-!"
"I'll share the sniper rifle with you if you answer," Tucker offered bluntly.
"I am a lesbian, "she admitted instantly. "Is...that a problem?"
"Nah! Just tell me if you ever get curious about guys," he said, looking through the sniper. "You ever used one of these?"
"No?" she answered uncertainly.
"Right, to avoid a Caboose-moment, we're taking out the magazine," Tucker said as he removed the ammo and handed it to her. "They're over there, look for the berry bush or whatever that is."
"Thank you!" the soldier said a bit too eagerly as she took the weapon. "I'm Bell, by the way."
"Nice to meet you, Bell. So, which do you think is hotter?" Tucker asked with a smirk.
"Oh, definitely the red-head. But the other is cute too!" Bell said with a perverse giggle.
Meanwhile
Carolina silently looked down at the unconscious figure of Maine, her mind filled with regret and frustration.
"Well, I sent Doc off. He shouldn't bother us for a bit if no one else gets injured," York remarked as he approached her."
"You wanton trollop! What part of 'Not Interested' is not piercing that thick skull of yours?!" Wyoming yelled from somewhere.
"Come on, just tell me what willes I need to get your willy going wild!" Sister pleaded. "If it's something really weird and kinky, I'll still try it!"
"Well, at least it won't be you," York remarked, still getting only silence. "It's not your fault, you know?"
"Sigma was originally supposed to be my AI. I thought I was helping Maine by letting him have Sigma. Instead, I just gave him a first-class seat to hell," Carolina said with a scowl.
"Look, the medics said he's fine. His suit just got set to do a temporary lock up while sedating him," York assured.
"Physically. Mentally, only God knows," Carolina retorted softly.
"God, and me."
They turned around sharply at the voice, seeing the translucent form of a trooper.
"Yo!" Church greeted casually.
"What the fuck are YOU doing here?" Carolina asked aggressively.
"Oh, looking to borrow Lopez for a bit and decided to see how things are going over here," Church said honestly. "But yeah, they fucked up Maine pretty bad. We're probably both tied for who needs the most therapy."
"And I'm sure you finding out about being the Alpha didn't help any," York said neutrally.
"It didn't hurt," Church answered with a shrug. "They had all buried Maine so deeply, I doubt he noticed anything until he had control back. Speaking of which, are we sure they got all the AIs out of him?"
"Pretty sure?" York answered uncertainly. "Wash helped with a capture unit, but it wasn't designed for taking in multiple AIs at once. But most or all, the big ones are locked up tight."
Church looked at him expectantly. "Delta, is your green ass going to speak up or not?"
"Hello, Alpha," Delta greeted as he appeared. "I am pleased to see you have finished processing the information related to your identity."
"Processing. Right, let's just fucking call it that," Church said in annoyance as he looked to Maine. "You were here, what are the odds they missed any?"
"Sigma and Agent Texas were confirmed. Omega is believed to be in the unit as well, but there is a low chance he was able to escape. Eta and Iota are inconclusive, as the other AIs would obscure their code," Delta explained simply.
"Honestly, I'd rather it'd be those two than any of the others," Church mused. "....You can glare all you want, Carol, my intangible ass isn't going to self-delete."
Carolina said nothing as she kept glaring. "You should be locked up with them. You're obviously dangerous."
"The only danger here is me putting you in a timeout," Church said flatly. "And yeah, for the record? I fucking get why you were weirded out by my name."
York looked between them curiously. "What's he talking about?"
"When the Alpha was created, he was based on the mind and memory of the Director, Leonard Church," Delta explained factually before anyone else could answer.
"Wait, what?" York said in surprise, looking at Church in disbelief. "You're based on the Director?"
"Yeah, crazy right? Amazing how different somebody sounds without an accent. Or going through a brief drinking addiction," Church remarked whimsically.
"He didn't drink," Carolina retorted flatly, a bit too quickly.
"He didn't? Wow, didn't peg Jimmy as the drunk type," Church said in surprise.
"....How would you know the Director didn't drink?" York asked suspiciously to Carolina, who didn't answer right away.
"You want to tell him or should I?" Church asked bluntly. "Because we both know he's already getting the VERY wrong idea."
Carolina gave a suffering sigh. "The director is my father, York."
"Oh.....Oh, fuck. That....puts a few things in a different light, but....," York paused, looking between Carolina and Church. "Damn, this feels awkward."
"I'm a digitized, supercomputer, mindfucked version of her dad. It is all fucking kinds of awkward, Bax," Church said in annoyance. "So, about that mission to kill your father? You're going to have to cancel that."
Both of them froze, Carolina giving him a suspicious look. "Did you-?"
"Make you an orphan? No. Got really damn close to it, but I decided to just sick on him the entire shitshow that is the navy after making the fucker a sitting duck," Church explained. "So, you're welcome. I saved your ass at least six months of searching."
"I'm not thanking you," Carolina said firmly.
"Yeah, that's why I didn't bother to fucking ask," Church said with a sigh. "Look, I just thought you should know, okay? Freelancer, all of it? It's over. Now, I just have to deal with the mess he left behind."
With that, Church walked away as his form faded into nonexistence.
"....." Carolina glared to the side. "Not a word, York. Not yet."
"Self-preservation protocols indicate it would be wise to listen to her," Delta remarked.
"I'm aware, D," York said with a sigh. "Look, Carol? Whenever you're ready to talk, I'll be here, okay?"
Carolina nodded silently as York left to give some space.
"I'm surprised you didn't have more to say to the Alpha, D," York remarked as they left.
"I felt it was rather obvious that the Alpha has other priorities at the moment, and would find any matters I wish to discuss to be distracting and unwelcome at this time," Delta answered simply. "....But yes, I am looking forward to conversing with him."
Elsewhere, Church appeared at the command center of the base and found Lopez looking over the monitors. "Hey, Lopez. What you up to?"
"Estaba evaluando los daños en la base y planeando las reparaciones,”(I was assessing the damage to the base and planning for the repairs) Lopez answered, tilting his head at Church. "Así que has sido una IA compañera todo este tiempo.”(So, you have been a fellow AI this entire time.)
"Yeah, I guess I have. I just...didn't know it," Church said, glancing away briefly. "Not surprised I can understand you?"
"Supongo que una IA de su calibre tendría la mayoría de los idiomas de la Tierra en sus bases de datos,” (I would assume that an AI of your caliber would have most of Earth's languages in your databases) Lopez mused.
"Point, though I'm not sure which ones I already restored.," Church said, glancing up. "Let's see: English, Spanish, Japanese, Javanese, Wu Chinese, Yue Chinese, something called Kannada, and...huh, Greek. Really need to download Latin again," he paused and shook his head. "Anyway, I need to borrow your body for a bit."
"¿Qué le pasó al tuyo?"(What happened to yours?) Lopez asked, curious and annoyed.
"It got wrecked during everything that happened with the Meta," Church remarked. "Look, seriously, I'd rather have my own but shit's going on right now."
“Al menos esta vez me lo preguntas,” (At least you're asking this time.) Lopez mused. "Muy bien.” (Very well.)
"Thanks. Oh, before I do, you know where the hell Andy got to?" Church asked in confusion.
"¿Andy? Oh. Debe estar todavía en el congelador,”(Andy? Oh. He must still be in the freezer.) Lopez answered.
"Why would....you know what, I'll just ask him," Church said with a shake of his head before he walked into the android, taking over the body. "Been a while since I did this," he said while glancing inwardly at Lopez's own programming. "Huh. So THAT is why you were able to start resisting the takeover. I'll address that shit another time."
With that, Church headed to the kitchen and made his way to the fridge. Lo and behold, he opened it to find Andy in the freezer.
"What the fuck is going on out there, Lopez? I've been waiting for one of these morons to open this for hours!" Andy complained.
"Andy, you have missed a LOT," Church informed bluntly.
"Church? Why are you wearing Lopez like a rusty suit?" Andy asked in bewilderment.
"Lopez takes some offense to that," Church remarked. "So, quick question, did you know I was an AI this whole time?"
"I mean, I kind of figured? I just assumed it was those Freelancer fucks seeing what would happen if you let an AI believe they were human," Andy answered honestly. "Why, someone finally tells you that ghosts aren't real?"
Church sighed. "You remember how we were told about Freelancer torturing the Alpha AI to split it into more?"
"Yeah?....Oh. Ah, fuck, really?" Andy realized with an audible grimace. "Well, that is the mother of all cases of someone pissing in your breakfast cereal. How the fuck did that come up?"
"We got attacked by the Meta," Church started.
"How the hell were you attacked by Facebook? Virus messages?? Spam Ads? Forget to put a damn safety filter on?" Andy asked.
"....Yeah, I have a lot more to explain....." Church realized as he took him out of the freezer. "Dammit, who left soda in the freezer long enough to explode?"
"Don't look at me! That was there when I got here!" Andy said in his defense. "So, about this Meta-thing?"
Church sighed and began explaining as he walked.
Meanwhile
"So, what do you think the odds are they're here to kidnap some of us for breeding?" Tucker asked idly, taking his turn to look through the scope.
"Ahhh, dragged away by muscle-bound tribe women. I've had a few dreams like that," Bell said with a whimsical sigh. "....Hey, do you hear polka music?"
Tucker chuckled as he turned around and looked at the base. "You get used to it."
With that, the Warthog made its way to a nearby gap in the wall where it parked with Grif in the driver's seat and...
"What the? Church, is that you?" Tucker called down to the cobalt trooper.
"Who else would it be, Tucker?" Church asked flatly as he got out of the vehicle.
"I thought you were taking over Lopez?" Tucker asked.
"Oh, right. I got Caboose to give me a quick paint job. He's gotten really good at that, thanks to your lazy ass," Church remarked.
"I'm here too, fuck-nutts!" Andy called up.
"Is....is that the car yelling at us?" Bell asked in confusion and concern.
"Nah, that'd be crazy. That's just our talking bomb," Tucker said with a grin.
"....Talking bomb?" Bell repeated in a small voice.
"Yeah, he doubles as a translator," Tucker explained.
Bell starred. ".....So, we're going to communicate with the natives-"
"With a bomb, yes, we know how it sounds," Tucker remarked, looking down to see Church walking outside the base, placing Andy on the back of the warthog.
The leader of the Blood Gulchers cleared his non-existent throat as he activated the speakers in his suit to call out to the bunny-woman.
And in a language they could hopefully understand.
"Rabbit-eared women! Approach!"
There was a brief bit of silence over the field before the two slowly came out and began to approach the base.
"Dude, what the hell!? You can speak their language?" Tucker called down in surprise.
"That was the Empire's language. I was just hoping they understood it. I grabbed a bit from the Yellow Death's computers," Church answered. "Definitely some Latin off-shot, but-"
"Back up, the what Death? Is there a plague I don't know about?" Tucker asked in surprise.
"Did you never bother to learn the name of our ship?" Bell asked in disappointment.
"If you got the language, do you really even need my spherical ass then?" Andy asked doubtfully.
"I'm still debugging my files, so yeah. Besides, it helps to have more than one AI trying to decipher a language," Church mused as he looked out to see the two still approaching.
"Grif! Stop sleeping and get out here! Double-time! At least half-time," Sarge said, kicking the orange trooper in the driver's seat.
"Well, there goes my nap," Grif said with a sigh as he got out.
"What are you guys doing here?" Church asked, looking back to see most of the Blood Gulchers walking up to join him.
"We came to see the bunny people!" Caboose said in excitement.
"For purely scientific reasons," Simmons said, a bit too quickly.
"No shame here, Man!" Tucker called down in amusement.
"Sarge said that he didn't want the Reds to monopolize all the negotiations with the locals," Donut filled in.
"I'm just trying to avoid the yellow one, mate," Wymoning said off to the side.
"Good luck with that, she can be very persistent," Doc warned.
"Hey, guys, are we having a party!?" Sister yelled out as she came running out, missing Wyoming standing next to the gap. "Anyone see that tall glass of British tea?"
"Can you go one minute without bringing shame to our family?" Grif asked with a sigh.
"Look, guys, just shut up and don't freak them out anymore than they already are," Church said with a head shake as he looked back out.
By the stiff looks about them, it was far too late for that.
Comments
Erik Thorsteinsen
Peak just peak
LordChoto
Holy shit does this story carry the spirit of RvB and I am loving every minute of it, I'll keep paying for the patron just for the privilege of this story if nothing else
