Akumakami64
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Gate 39
🕑 Added 2025-10-01 01:03:08 +0000 UTC"I can't believe they removed my rank. I filed a lot of requests for that," Doc lamented as he wandered Blood Gulch. It was strangely quiet, but that was because all the excitement was on the other side of the Gate. He stopped as a shadow passed overhead. He looked up and saw a pelican coming down to land in the canyon. "Visitors! Or invaders. Gosh, I hope it's not more invaders. Oh well, the best way to know if they're friendly is to be polite and go greet them, like a welcoming and yet nosey member of the local HOA."
With that, Doc headed to the landing sight with a rather upbeat hum. There were several soldiers already there around the transport, including one rather familiar helmet. "Vel! Hey, it's been a day or two."
Velimir ignored how some of the others tried to hide their groans at the arrival of the medic. "DuFresne," Velimir greeted. "If you're looking for someone to patch up, you're out of luck."
"Nah, I just came to see who was on the ship. We got visitors, or just some more of your crew?" Doc asked curiously.
"Neither, actually. No one is inside," Velimir answered, gesturing to the raft over his shoulder. "Captain said it was a delivery for you nutheads, and I should let Church worry about it. You know where he is?"
"Nope. I've been missing some of the group meetings. We really should get a group chat or a Discord. Something to really coordinate, and so we're all annoyingly involved with each other’s lives and opinions," Doc said without sarcasm.
"I think you're already there," Velimir said flatly.
There was a hiss as the pelican door began to open.
Velimir suddenly turned around, his comrades looking wary as they held their guns at the ready.
"Umm, I thought you said no one way on the ship....?" Doc asked nervously.
"There wasn't supposed to be," Velimir said, watching as the rap fully came down.
Out of the ship came a somewhat surprising figure.
"Sup, fuckers!" Church greeted casually. "Sorry about the scare. Accidentally beam down into the ship. I didn't think this shit would get here so damn fast!"
"Church! You got a body back? Or are you borrowing Lopez?" Doc asked in surprise as the soldiers relaxed. Mostly relaxed, at least.
"Not anymore, but he's going to need someone to remove my paint job if you want to help," Church informed.
"I'm a medic, not a.... is there a professional word for a painter that’s not an artist? Or just someone who paints robots?" Doc asked uncertainly.
"Oh, there's nothing to it. Even Caboose can do it," Church said before waving to the inside of the pelican. "But yeah, take a look! I'm not going to ask Sarge for a new body for a long time!"
Doc, Velimir, and the others looked inside to see many replicas of Church, complete with cobalt armor and sniper rifles.
"The fucking hell!? Why do you have an army of spare bodies!? Where did you even get these!?" Velimir asked in bewilderment, more than a little alarmed.
"I'm having flashbacks to when Omega and I made a robot army with Lopez," Doc remarked uneasily.
"Turns out the Director made me some spare bodies in case I ever needed more. Not sure how he expected that to work. I didn't look up the cover story scenarios, I was already pissed at the time," Church explained.
"That doesn't look like the only thing you brought," Velimir said, spying some black containers in the back. "Do I want to know?"
"Just some presents I picked up from the base," Church waved off as he glanced back. "Speaking of which."
Four of the Church-bots started moving, coming over to pick up a fairly large rectangular crate by the handles, carrying it out of the ship.
"Wow, wow, wow!" Velimir said suddenly. "Church, I legitimately need to know what the hell you have in this box."
"Fine by me," Church said with a shrug, having the robots set it down again before he moved to unlock the crate via a code and open the top.
Velmir and Doc looked inside and stared.
"Why the fuck....?" Velimir asked. He was no longer concerned, just confused.
"Look, Tex and the Director had a flair for the dramatics," Church answered, flat and dismissive.
"But why is it in a box...?" Doc asked curiously. "Wouldn't it be easier just to use it instead of carrying it?"
"....I also have a flair for the dramatics," Church admitted. "Look, it was already in the box, so I decided to make it a surprise, alright?"
"Honestly? This is the least insane thing any of you has done since I got here," Velimir decided.
"Good," Church said as he closed the crate and had the robots continue carrying it towards the gate. Now, if we're done, I've got a ride to catch. Going to make some friends with the locals."
"Wait, Church, I'm coming too! I feel like I've missed out on a lot of adventures lately!" Doc ran off after the AI.
"Sir?" a soldier asked uneasily as the pair ran off. "Should we be worried about the army of robots?"
Velimir sighed. "I'm not paid enough to worry anymore. I'll tell Dave, let her figure it out."
Church and Doc headed ahead of the luggage. "So, we're helping those bunnywomen?" Doc asked for clarification.
"Yeah. Though I'm going to ask the elves about these Amazon bunnies next time we hear from them," Church remarked. "Though, I'm more worried about this Rory girl."
"Who?" Doc asked in confusion.
"....Right, you weren't here for that," Church said with a head shake. "I'll fill you in later. I got to make sure these idiots are ready to get go-" Church stopped as he ran into someone. "The fuck?! Tucker?"
"Ow! Damn, the hurt," Tucker said as he stumbled back. "Oh, hey Church. You didn't get captured by the popo, huh?"
"Did I miss something else?" Doc whispered to himself.
"No, but where the hell are you running off to?" Church asked in annoyance. "I thought I told you guys to get ready."
"Church, I am having a genuine damn emergency here!" Tucker said heatedly.
"What, your porn stash got destroyed in the fight somehow?" Church asked flatly.
"Junior is missing!" Tucker yelled back.
The church paused. "Okay, that is a legitimate concern. Did you look in Sheila? We didn't leave him at the army camp we wrecked, right?"
"No, he was here. After the Meta fight ended, I had him sleeping in my room. My room here, not in Blood Gulch," Tucker said quickly, rubbing his head. "Fuck, I think he figured out how to open doors with his tongue. Which'll probably get him a lot of chicks at parties when he's older, but that's not the point!"
"Slow down, Papa Bear," Church said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "If you give me a minute, I can hack all the systems and figure out-"
"Umm....?" Doc raised his hand. "I think I know where he is?"
"You do?" both of them asked in surprise.
"Yeah. I don't think I got around to telling you, but Junior likes to gnaw on tires now," Doc informed.
"He does?" Tucker asked in confusion. "I've never seen him do that?"
"Because he loves spending time with you! He's a little daddy's boy. Or...mommy's boy, either way," Doc said with a shrug. "Anyway, the one Nordic woman you got naked with? She said it's kind of like teething? Though, also shedding skin off his tongue? It got kind of gross. But Junor figured out where the tires are kept-"
"I just checked the security feed, he's there," Church said as he shook his head. "Doc, you mind getting the kid before Tucker has a parental meltdown? You are the fastest."
"Sure!" Doc said, happy to be helpful as he headed off.
"He is really there, right? That wasn't just a way to get rid of Doc, right?" Tucker asked pointedly.
"Tucker. Chill! He's there, and Doc will have him in twenty-eight seconds. Forty if the kid tries to resist," Church assured. "Now, are you fuckers ready or not?"
"Huh? Oh, right," Tucker recalled.
"Were you guys still debating about what to call a group of bunnies?" Church asked expectantly.
"No, no, we already settled that," Tucker said. "We're mostly ready? Things were just getting a bit...weird."
"That word increasingly means nothing here, Tuker," Church reminded.
"Just come with me, you'll see what I mean," Tucker said as he waved for Church to follow him.
They arrived at the rudimentary landing pad that had been set up, along with the single Pelican that had been brought through the gate so far.
Church quickly saw what Tucker meant.
"No, you dingus! She said just rub the neck, not try to scratch him!" Andy corrected over a draconic growl.
"Sue me! Smog here sounds like a damn pat when he purrs like that!" Grif shot back as he tentatively rubbed the neck of their dragon.
"Well, I'll be a termite's son-in-law! And here I thought she was trying to get Grif eaten!" Sarge said with an amused chuckle. "I'm both impressed and disappointed with the little lady."
"Head Lump, stop calling her shit like that, she's catching on," Andy warned, Rory narrowing her eyes at Sarge.
"And she said we should make him a stable to stay in, but one with stones instead of hay?' Simmons asked, taking notes.
"Yeah, ones about my size will do," Andy explained.
Rory giggled as she watched them.
"Right, I forgot about the Red's dragon," Church said with a head shake. "
"Tucker! Thank GOD you're back!" Bell said as she hurried over to them.
"Bell, Bell! Turn down your dildo, what's wrong!?" Tucker said in concern.
"Look, that Rory girl kind of interrupted things, and I think the bunnygirls believe I'm your guy's death goddess!" Bell said in concern.
Church blinked. "Wait? They think you're Tex?"
"I mean, they never met Tex. So look for a dark-armored chick that hangs out with us?" Tucker pointed out, gesturing to Bell's ODST armor. "Kind of fits!"
"But I don't want them to think I am Tex! They're afraid of me! And I'm afraid of what this Tex will do if she thinks I was impersonating her. Also, they think I'm straight and married to, well....you, Captain Church," Bell explained sheepishly..
Church glanced at the open Pelican and saw the two bunnywomen awkwardly sitting within and watching the Reds with the dragon and Rory, obviously worried about being too close to that grouping. They caught sight of Church looking at them, and he was sure they paled. "I'll clear it up for you," Church said simply.
Tucker stared for a moment. "Church-"
"We're back!" Doc declared as he raced up to them, holding up a certain newborn. "And look who's happy to see you all~!"
"Blarg!" Junior said to Tucker.
"Hey, Kiddo! Hear you got a taste for rubber!" Tucker said as he took Junior and held him like one would hold any child.
"Honk-Honk!" Junior said to Church.
"I can't believe I'm actually getting used to being called Uncle Church," Church said with a headshake.
"Thanks, Doc. Hey, Bell? You want to try holding Junior for a bit?" Tucker offered cheekily.
"What, me!? Tucker, I don't want them to think I'm his mother or anything! Why are you trying to ruin my chance of finding some bunnygirl love?" Bell whined in betrayal and despair.
"Bell, they probably won't even think he's Tucker's kid. More like his holy beast or something," Church pointed out.
Bell reluctantly took the young alien, who seemed oblivious to Bell's unease.
"Don't worry, I'll teach you all you need to know!" Doc said as they walked away a little bit. "First off, never tilt your head away from him. Junior thinks you're letting him feed on you."
This only served to increase Bell's unease.
"You're not subtle. You know that, right?" Church asked, fully aware that Tucker wanted to have a word with him.
Tucker turned to Church with a frown. "Okay, Dude, I get that you're mad at Tex-"
"You really don't want to press that button, Tucker. I will punch you in front of your son," Church warned far too calmly to be joking.
"-but seriously, what are you going to do? Are you pissed off enough you're just going to leave her locked up with the rest of the AIs?" Tucker asked in concern.
"What? Oh, right, haven't talked to you guys about that stuff yet," Church realized in thought. "No, I'm not going to leave them to rot. I'm just leaving them in time out until after we get back from this. Hopefully, I won't be tempted to get into a painfully one-sided digital slugging match with them."
"Oh. Well, good," Tucker said, relaxing a bit. "So, what is the plan on that front?"
"Don't worry, I have a way to keep all of them out of trouble while letting them out. But the Sigma is getting out last, dammit! Maybe Gamma too," Church explained in annoyance.
"What, Omega getting out on good behavior?" Tucker asked, surprised and amused.
"Honestly, yeah," Church said with a shrug. "You know he forgot I was the Alpha?"
"The fuck? How does he forget you're basically his God/Dad?" Tucker asked in bewilderment.
"You remember when he was possessing Caboose that first time?" Church reminded.
"I remember you not believing me when I told you Caboose was saying creepy, evil things," Tucker said with a smirk.
"Well, when we forced him out, it corrupted some of his memories. One of which was that the Church in Blood Gulch is the Alpha," Church said, glancing up. "You know, if he weren't a rage-based AI, he probably would have noticed that on his own."
"I'm not exactly surprised that going into Caboose's mind is a dangerous idea," Tucker remarked dryly.
"As for Tex...." Church said in a low, dangerous voice.
"Hey, I'm not touching that button. That's your relationship to work out, I just wanted to make sure you weren't going to do something shitty you might regret," Tucker waved off. "Though, if you want to rant about your problems with your girl, you know Caboose and I are always willing to be a soundboard."
"Meaning, you'll tune me out eventually and Caboose will pretend to know what I'm talking about," Church summarized.
"Yep! That's what friends are for!" Tucker said with a grin. "So, we're doing this?"
Church nodded and stepped forward. "Alright, chucklefucks! Let's get our collective asses on the ship!"
"There you are, Blue! We were beginning to think you got locked up in a datamine or what's it called," Sarge said with a chuckle.
"I'm not even going to try to correct that," Church said uncaringly before turning to Simmons and Griff. "You guys going to put the dragon back or you want to leave him here where he might fly off?"
"Dude, he’s had every chance to fly away already," Griff reminded, the dragon looking at them all with interest.
"Yeah, Smog likes the canyon now," Simmons said before shaking his head. "I still can't believe that name stuck."
"Fair enough. Where's Caboose?" Church asked curiously.
"Church! You're here! I've been keeping the bunnies safe and companied!" Caboose waved from inside the Pelican, sitting by the two bunnywomen.
"Oh, fuck, that idiot better not somehow pull some tail before I get the chance," Tucker said in annoyance.
"I just involuntarily calculated the likely outcomes of Caboose breeding," Church said, glaring at Tucker. "I blame you for this."
"You got room for one or two more?"
Church turned to see Wymoning, York, and Zimmerman approaching the pelican.
"I'm only slightly surprised," Church said, looking at Zimmerman. "Zim, I didn't see a scenario where you'd be coming."
"And I'm not," Zimmerman agreed, gesturing to the Freelancers. "They heard about what you all were up to, and asked me if they were allowed to come along."
"That, I did expect. Well, this saves me the message to Dave," Church remarked. "So, what's the verdict?"
"Poor old Carol has been benched," Wymoning informed. "They're a tad worried she might run off again."
"Where to? The Roman-wannabes whose ass we are kicking?" Tucker asked rhetorically.
"And Wash is helping them work with that improvised containment unit that stuffed the AIs all into," York informed.
"What about that flowers fellow? Wasn't he one of you?" Sarge asked idly.
Zimmerman cleared his throat. "We weren't sure if Church was ready to be around him," he explained carefully.
Church was ominously silent at that.
"Why? What'd he do?" Griff asked in morbid curiosity.
"Remember what I told you about stuffing me in some guy's head so I could cannibalize his memories?" Church asked in annoyance. "Yeah, that was Flowers."
"Yikes," Simmons said with a wince.
"Question retracted," Grif stated with a shiver.
"....Son, you know what retracted means?" Sarge asked skeptically.
"Trust me, you don't want to know why I know that word," Grif said with revulsion.
"Right," Church said, looking at the freelancers. "Sure, we could use the extra hands."
"Mate, I am only going if the orange bum's sister is staying here," Wyoming said flatly.
"She is NOT coming!" Grif said forcefully. "So help me God, I am going to make sure she doesn't get in the history books as the first one to get an STD from this planet! Or give one to the locals!"
"I guess that means me and Bell will have to get to work fast," Tucker said playfully.
"Right, Private Bell," Zimmerman said slowly, looking over to the soldier, who had long since handed Junior off to Doc.
"Umm, Hi, Sir? I was assuming that the order to keep an eye on things still held....?" Bell offered sheepishly. "Please don't make me stay behind?"
Zimmerman shook his head. "No, no, we want one of our own to go with them so we have a somewhat sane report."
"Oh. Thank you, Sir! I'll be sure to do that," Bell said before turning away with a fist pump. "Yes! Amazon Bunnies, here I come!" she whispered to herself, almost squealing before heading into the ship.
"Alright, everyone in the ship, my package just arrived," Church informed flatly.
"What package- the hell?!" Tucker exclaimed, turning to see a bunch of robots with Church's paint job, all carrying a large black box that almost seemed like a coffin. "What, you bringing a sniping army, Church?"
"What in Tarnation!? The blues are multiplying! Quick, Grif! Plan Jackolope!" Sarge ordered.
"Where am I supposed to get a go-kart?" Grif asked in confusion.
"Relax, they're not coming with us. I just brought something special," Church said vaguely as his robots placed the container in the pelican.
Caboose looked at the robots in awe. "So. Many. Best. Friends!" he said in excitement.
The bunnywoman looked on with something approaching fear with their confusion. Rory, however, was merely surprised and interested. "Oh? Minions of your Spear Lord?" she asked Andy.
The bomb chuckled. "No, those are just his spare bodies."
The answer stunned the bunnywomen more, but only raised the interest and surprise of Rory, who gave a coy smirk to Church. "Is that so?"
"Velimir warned me about this," Zimmerman said, looking at Church oddly. "Is this some AI version of a midlife crisis?"
"Oh, fuck you, Zim," Church said before turning to everyone. "Alright, people, move it! We got about five minutes before Sister gets here!"
"You heard the man! Move, move, move!" Wyoming insisted with renewed urgency.
"Don't have to tell my ass twice!" Grif said as he rushed to the cockpit.
"I call shotgun!" York called out.
"Shot-fuck!" Simmons cursed.
"So, Church? Why are you doing this, exactly?" Zimmerman asked idly. "You Reds and Blues don't exactly come off as the hero types."
"Naw, just a bunch of idiots in a canyon," Church responded without answering as he headed into the pelican.
He paused as he made eye contact with Rory.
She smiled and chuckled. "You have very interesting comrades, Spear Lord Church."
"Trust me, you have no idea," Church agreed, waving her inside.
"Hmm, so this metal carriage can fly?" Rory mused idly.
"How can such a thing be?" Restia asked warily as she felt the vehicle rumble around them.
Anilof shook her head, paling a bit at the idea.
"Wait, Church, Tucker?! Are we bringing Junior?!" Doc asked in alarm and uncertainty.
"Yeah, bring him along! He'll enjoy the after-battle meal!" Tucker said with a grin.
"Bringing an infant to the battlefield. Is that really good parenting?" Bell asked as the ramp started to close.
Zimmerman stepped back as the pelican began to ascend off the ground and take to the sky.
Comments
Jim Hemmelgarn
SADERA is a city. The continent is called Falmart. The world is unnamed.
PieBoy4242
Followed by Sarge asking why he knows. Probably watched the entirety of the Ring of the Nibelunge for fun and it has nothing to do with Apocalypse Now.
Thomas Jones
Is anyone else hearing Caboose Hum Ride of the Valkyrie's badly and off key?
Anon1216
This is the moment we all have been waiting for! The ambient chaos of the Blood Gulchers spreading through the world of Saderia! Omega is not going to be happy about missing out on more carnage…
