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Notes for Episode 12: Torchwood Children of Earth
🕑 Added 2024-05-02 00:43:34 +0000 UTCHannah here! This set of notes is extra long because there's a whole bonus section where we just catalogue observations from the episodes we watched from seasons 1 and 2 of Torchwood. Those being Countrycide, Adam, and Exit Wounds. We didn't even discuss those on the show, really! So you all get an exclusive treat. As usual, I've included a PDF version if any of you prefer reading them like that. See you all next month!
PATREON NOTES
Plot / Structure Stuff:
I like that there’s some nested lil mysteries here. Some of them we might never get answers to, those might just not be Torchwood things 🙂
The mystery in question, about unexplained deaths, ended up being a fake mystery to lure Jack in and capture him. Clever!
Suicide rates have doubled ever since the aliens were made public… that’s a very Lostalike type of thing to say
I really love secret projects that predate the current administration
Specifications for something they want us to build… yes… it’s good when aliens send that type of shit
I assume the appeal of the Torchwood team being Ghost Protocol’d is a little bigger if you’ve seen the whole show up to this point
It would be funny though if it’s just happened six times in the episodes we didn’t watch and this is in fact the same as the IMF
Taking a procedural and making it juggle all these plotlines is an interesting change of pace. There’s a surprising amount of side stuff going on!
OH SHE’S PUTTING CEMENT ON HIM THAT’S SICK
Ok I’m just gonna say it: this is the first show we’ve watched since Day Break where I truly am intrigued by the mystery and want to know what happens next
Similar to The Event, this has both adrenochrome and a plandemic
30 minutes left in the show, Torchwood doesn’t even have the beginnings of a plan! How are they gonna fucking win!
Character / Performance Stuff:
Children of Earth being a sort of soft reboot seems to mean that they’ve all just gotten over the tragic deaths of Tosh and Owen in the previous season’s finale
I love the evil government agent woman (Johnson). Her own guys saying about her “If she’s anti-terrorist, I wouldn’t mind being called a terrorist!”
Frobisher is such a clear standout, it’s no wonder they went back for more Capaldi on the main show
British TV loves having the representative of America being a Distinguished Black General. Their entire conception of this country is based on 24
The aliens learning enough like… bureaucratic English terminology to be unnerving, it’s so good. “It is off the record. Come in.”
The argument between Jack and Ianto after the 456 make their demands is genuinely good! We were not familiar with Torchwood’s game!
Technical / Aesthetic Stuff:
Okay as of the first episode this does feel like they just took the standard Torchwood template and made it more of a Lostalike, with a much higher level of production sheen
The dramatic music dropping out when a shot is from Gwen’s perspective after the Torchwood hub bombing… it’s corny but it’s good
The extended trashy action opening of episode 2 is like… you can’t hide what you are, Torchwood. You’re British TV, even if you try to be something else
Notable Quotes:
In general, Rusty has a really good head for banter. It’s hard to make this style work, but he does
“As far as we can tell, at 8:40 in the morning, every single child in the world… stopped”
There’s the Lostalike juice
Gwen’s startled “Oh my God!” during the first “We Are Coming” scene is really cute. I like this
“Adopt a Filipino and get him to clean the chimneys” The UK is a different planet
“I’m going into England - farewell forever” is some really cute romantic banter
“If they can communicate with us like this, why do that thing with the children?” “Because they can”
“We came here because you have no significance, you are middle men”
“You are in every nightmare I’ve ever had”
When Frobisher refers to some asylum-seekers as “21 units” FUCK DUDE
“We could do it alphabetically” “Oh, thanks, Mr. YATES”
“I think sometimes the Doctor must look at this planet and turn away in shame”
“We must be seen to have lost,” about pretending they were tricked into a fake vaccination scheme
Cute Things We Said:
TV can be a Welsh guy poorly throwing a cinderblock
In the UK they call them breezeblocks
That x-ray has a fucking cock!! They’re doing pervert shit with their British x-rays!
“How far are we?” “2 mins.” “Good. That’s how long it takes me to cock my gun”
The saga of “Cardiff Bay” must make it into the episode
Episode 2’s climax hinges on dropping a big cement block into a ravine. Can they do it!
YES
This is the most lavish stunt ever performed on British telly
Esther watches 5x YouTube videos about this kind of stuff a week
The aliens are making the kids all point at London… they all just wanna ride the Ferris wheel, I bet
The first message from the 456 ambassador is “What Call of Duty are you all on? On our planet we just got Impossible Warfare, do you have that one yet”
The aliens coming to Earth because they covered their own planet with slime and they need a new one. Asking to be brought to Nickelodeon Studios and thrashing around because the slime isn’t up to their standards
Frobisher asking the aliens if they’re alright and they reply “Thought there would be more games in this box”
Euros Lyn you got a Game of Thrones assed name
Making Jack say “i’ve dealt with you lot before” in his American accent is really funny
In the most general American accent of all time: “Listen mate, if you don’t sod off, we’ll BOTH be slated in the Daily Mail!”
“Report from Sweden… they’re telling the 456 they don’t have kids. They’re saying the small ones they have, are the same as the larger ones, but small”
Things Exclusive The S1/S2 Episodes We Watched:
Alright this is very different than Lost. It feels very, dare I say, Special Unit 2
STARTS OFF STRONG WITH OUR DEAR FRIEND JACKSON’S FAVORITE INDIE LANDFILL SONG. IT’S A MONSTER
This is such a different look for Burn Gorman than I’m used to. He’s a little gay with it in this
Esther I think he’s very gay with it in this
The thing is we’re watching these episodes because they’re the “before it tried to be Lost” era of the show but. This could be an episode of Threshold
Love that they’ve chosen this beautiful picturesque valley to shoot this very rote expository scene. Not a lot of shows are doing that
I knew this was a horny show but Burn Gorman asking a blunt bangs woman WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU CAME SO HARD in the woods is like. What’s England. What’s the issue with England
Five is pretty big for a team show. Five’s a crowd. SVU at any given time has at most 4 guys and a captain
Children of Earth solved this, didn’t it
It’s so funny that this is where the creative energy for Lostalike guys used to go. High concept episodes of long running genre shows
I think the high-concept-ness works against this episode eventually, there’s only so many times they can play out the scenes of pointing guns at nothing and looking scared
Torchwood… this local policeman thinks it’s a band. It’s not a band, is it
So the ethos here is very clear. X-Files with the implication of everyone being stupid guy horny at all times
Oh this Adam episode is just Total Rickall! From Ricky Morty, which Esther loves!
I love that he’s creating memories of him fucking all of them. Tremendous. That’s the BBC schlock sensibility
THE ZOOMS. THE ZOOMS OF THIS
“WHAT KIND OF SICK GAMES ARE YOU PLAYING? PILLS THAT MAKE YOU FORGET?”
The episode ends with them all taking pills to forget so Rhys was just right. He called it from the jump
This is fun but it’s kinda wild how these are paced. I’m watching this like alright that was a good first two acts, but we’re 20 minutes in
They’re doing the backstory flashback on a football pitch with basketball hoops??
These are common in the UK????
“You like to write about artifacts in your diary?” “Among other things”
“Cross me, and I will fill your head with fake memories till it’s on fire, because that’s how I exist!”
Yeah I totally get how the tumblr girlies who had never seen a TV show before would have flipped for this
Adam inserting himself into Jack’s last happy memory with his dad as blackmail to keep him alive is cool and fucked up
After wiping their memories the crew are like “damn we’ve all been lazy pieces of shit for the last two days, better kill ourselves”
Jack having an American accent is insane… the intro is the most English thing ever committed to television and having an American accent fucks with the vibe so hard
I get the feeling all of British TV is the same, more or less. I watched a couple seasons of Luther and it was just a slightly tonier version of this
13 minutes in we’ve covered 2 sentences of the Wikipedia synopsis. What else HAPPENS in this episode
This is really fun! Burying him eternally under the foundation of Cardiff. I like that
Oh I love these aliens. The Evils
THE EVILS LOVE OWEN I bet that was established earlier 🙂
I don’t follow most of anything going on here but the high level concepts are really fun and Something Happens every two minutes guaranteed
They’re killing off half the Torchwoods… they were really like yeah we don’t need these guys for where the show’s going. It’s all good
