heartdamage
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It's my birthday in less than 2 hours and I have some thoughts...
🕑 Added 2019-10-11 04:45:17 +0000 UTCI don't know why I'm writing this but I felt like reflecting. You totes don't have to read this if you don't want to either, which is fine, cause like I probably wouldn't read this either.
It might seem so stupid of me to think back when I was 20 that I would be able to accomplish all the things I had on my list. I wanted to have a masters degree. I didn't know what I wanted to go to school for as long as it would keep me afloat enough that I could write. I thought it would be so easy to work a job after graduating and dedicate all my extra time to writing a novel that would, surely, put me on the New York Times Bestseller List. I thought it would be so easy to settle down and become a mom and put everything I went through in my past.
The truth is when I was 20, I didn't know everything that would come my way. I didn't know I'd move to another city to escape the person who birthed me because they were making me emotionally, physically and mentally ill. I didn't know I'd break off an engagement. I didn't know I'd almost donate a kidney to my baby brother. All I knew was that I wasn't going to let the world break me and if it did, I would never let anyone find out about it.
I was thinking about it a few weeks ago. I was thinking how I haven't gotten my masters and how I don't have kids (my mother had me at 29 and I thought surely I'd have children by the time I turned 29) and all the other stupid little things I wanted to accomplish (like how I wanted to be smaller at 30 than I was when I graduated hs... well suck it 20 year old M cause 25 year old M accomplished that shit) and I realized how stupid it all was. I don't question how or why I got to where I am, because all the shit I didn't accomplish paved the way to where I am now.
I never thought my voice would mean anything. When my parents got divorced, I didn't have a voice while they sued each other for custody of my brother and I. I was so scared of my mom being upset at me so I would lie and say what she had coached me to say in order to hurt my dad. I always thought my voice hadn't mattered enough for my own father to stay, or for the boys in my past not to cheat, or for my own mother to accept me as I was. Then I fell into this weird little thing called GWA. And then into this website called Patreon where you could get paid? What?! And then with Patreon came a red thread that wrapped itself around my heart and traveled miles and miles to California to a dude with pink hair.
More than anything, with GWA and Patreon came the realization that my voice matters. I never thought I could make a difference or bring happiness to peoples lives. That sounds cheesy as fuck, I know, but it's true. I'm aware I am a lot sometimes. At times, I joke too much and I'm sorry if I've ever done that with any of you in the past. But I don't think I've ever felt so happy to have the voice and the capacity I have and I thank you all so much for giving that to me.
I don't know how I got here. I don't know if I'll ever accomplish the shit I set for myself. All I know is I am grateful for where I am. I may be a little more lost these days but I am stronger than I ever have been and that's what brings me happiness. Maybe I'll never write a novel (even tho this post is so long, you can basically call it one) but knowing I've ever made any one of you laugh or feel something, that's enough for me.
Everyone keeps telling me your 30s are better than your 20s. I lost my grandma in my 20s, raised my brother, experienced heartbreak, hit the bottom of the pit and clawed my way back out, I broke my fucking foot on my 21st bday, threw up on my 23rd birthday, had a Chuck E Cheese birthday party at 24, ate tres leches cake at the top of La Torre LatinoAmericana in Mexico City on my 27th, got mariachi brought to my door on my 28th as a reminder that I am not broken and I am not alone, even if I'm unmarried and childless.
All I know going into this next chapter of my life is that I am grateful and I don't dare question the universe and where it's taking me. I humbly accept any challenge it throws at me and I know I'm gonna slay that shit.
Thanks for being here. Have a slice of cake for me wherever you are. Or a cookie. Or a doughnut. Just get yourself something sweet and think of me and in that moment, it's like you're celebrating with me!
-M
Comments
CopperLights
Happy Birthday! You rock.
Praxus
M, this is perfect. Your self-awareness and critical thinking skills put you miles ahead of most people, and I can't wait to see where life takes you, for as long as you're willing to share yourself with us. I'll add another voice to the choir of those who say their 30s are better than their 20s, and I hope that's true for you as well. Happy birthday!
Hey M! Great stuff, thanks for sharing. Life ain't easy, we all know that firsthand. You can still do what you want if you believe in yourself and if you want to, you will. You will slay if you have the will power(I'm sure you do). I still got some cake that my gf got for me. Toast to you the next time I get some. Happy 30th.
The King's Square
I think you're amazing, M. And don't give up on writing that novel some day. It took me 7 years but I finally finished my first novel. It'll happen if you want it to. ;)
Aedi (Cointreuversial)
This is a beautiful post M. Thank you for continuing to share your life with us day in and day out. You are sunshine that makes me smile and sigh.
Co1e Cash, RP
Happy Birthday, M! This essay, this expression of who you are, where you are, is fantastic. I wish I had been as in touch with myself at that age. Perhaps when I’m 50, I can compose something half as inspirational as this. Keep your chin up. You are an amazing person, and you have made so many lives better than before they met you or heard you. I know I’ve benefited from talking with you. Xoxo,
