heartdamage
patreon
Some content is going to be delayed
🕑 Added 2020-06-25 00:40:56 +0000 UTCI sat down earlier to talk about how I’m feeling in a ramble so I could explain to all of you but I had 2 anxiety attacks in the span of an hour while trying to accurately explain how I’m feeling. So before I go into the excuses, let me just explain something about me.
About 8 years ago, I had a job managing a military contract and I decided to delete social media as a whole from my life. I deleted LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram from my life and it’s been that way ever since. I just didn’t want anything in my life that contributed negatively to my mental health. I grew up with 2 parents who sued each other and destroyed their children’s lives with emotional, physical and mental abuse. So when I became an adult, I tried for things to be as simple as possible in my life. My friends and I have been friends so years and years, we rarely fight and we try to be a source of support for each other, always, no matter what.
Almost 2 years ago, I started posting audios on the internet. What started as something fun, where I shared my intimacy has, in the last few weeks, just taken a terrible strain over my mental health. Between fighting about scripts with a friend, or a patron threatening to pull his support if I didn’t do as he said, or someone else trying to ruin my reputation this week, it’s all too much and it’s affected me really negatively. I hate that it has because I have never been the type to have drama in my life and now I’m so emotionally vulnerable that all of this affects me so much and I hate it because I didn’t used to be this person.
I don’t know how to let people in. I act like I’m fine and happy all the time because I don’t know how to let people take care of me. My life has always been a battle of either I sink or I swim and I’ve always swam and even the times I’ve almost sunk, I’ve never let anyone help teach me how to swim upwards. Even if it makes things simpler on me.
To put it simply, a bunch of shit has happened in the past month in terms of my GWA persona that has taken a negative toll on my mental health. On top of that, I’m coming up on a year since my grandmother passed away. A year ago, I should’ve been in the hospital with her and I wasn’t. It kills me every single day.
I’m just tired of pretending I’m okay when I’m not.
So I’m really sorry but the next episode of the podcast is going to be delayed. I’m trying to pull myself together enough before the end of the month but some tier exclusives may also be delayed and I’m so incredibly sorry about it. I feel ashamed to be in the place I’m in right now and I’m ashamed I’m not better than I am.
I know a lot of you are just here to get off and not listen to my bullshit and you might want to unsubscribe, that’s absolutely fine. I wouldn’t put my eggs in my own basket either so I can’t blame you for not wanting to. I’m trying and I’m really really sorry. I hope you can all understand. -M
Comments
Tanner Barker
Subscribed literally seconds ago. But I'm here for you too. It's a fucked up world right now and I'm thrilled you are caring for yourself
Eq
Take whatever time you need M. We all love ya, we can wait if it means you'll be feeling better and happier when you get back. Much love to you.
Joakim Razhiel Duchesne
You do you and take care of yourself. I've been here what, over a year? You've provided admirably from day one. I Hope you take the time you need for yourself. We'll be there.
Take care of yourself. Your health is more important than you making content. I'm not going anywhere.
Dain Johnston
I think I speak for many here who just want you to be ok. We can wait for any content you choose to share with us. I'm sorry you are going through this. Be well.
Aedi (Cointreuversial)
You will always be supported, listened to, and loved here.
Florian
Im sorry to hear that. Take your time even if its more than just this one ramble audio and im sure that even the guys with the custom audio are able to wait for a while. In the end we are all here to support you for the work you do and have done becasue what you do and have done is insane, but in times like this we also have to support with understanding and acceptance. Take your time we all can wait :)
Fawlters
Look after yourself first, I'd rather wait than have you push yourself to do anything before you're ready. Stay strong, take your time, you got this.
Silver Hawkins
Take care of yourself first M
Michael Roberts
Do what’s best for you, even if that means you also leave GWA behind if that’s what you need to do then do it, your mental health is what’s most important. I’m terribly sorry that you’ve gone through all of that.
Yup, what all those folks said.
Jessie
Take your time. People need to remember that performers are human.
Mr. Pendulum
Please take as much time as you need, your health far outweighs getting a few audios out. When or if you decide your ready to come back we'll be waiting.
Sonicblur83
Hey I became a patron a week ago after listening to your stuff for a while, and thats not changing. You have every right to take some time and do whatever you have to, to get better. Its ok to feel whatever you're feeling right now. Take care of yourself first.
Lorian Letkeman
I'll stay a patron with no expectations and I'd encourage you to do whatever you need to feel okay. <3
Merjia
Take your time, your mental health is the most important thing above all else. Love yourself, we'll be here when you're ready ☺
