BlitzTheComicGuy
patreon
10 Popular Christmas Songs I Hate
🕑 Added 2019-12-06 23:48:14 +0000 UTC(Okay, so the PLAN was to have some free bonus blogs coming out for Christmas, mixed in with all the regularly scheduled stuff, namely wrapping up the previous Conventional Wisdom set, launching the next anime series, and some new Far Out There stuff. But the plan didn't include SmackJeeves burning down and me having to suddenly set up a whole new everything right in the middle of the busiest month of the year, and now I feel bad about giving away something for free without more paid content around it. Sorry! I'll really try to have something resembling normalcy restored by the end of the month!)
Christmas songs. Aren’t they just the worst? Tacky, manipulative exercises in hypocrisy that hijack notions of spirituality and brotherhood, wrap them up in manufactured gobs of sentimentality and nostalgia, and are blasted at you for two months straight to brainwash you into participating in a crass frenzy of waste and empty consumption. Don’t you just HATE ‘em? …I don’t. I love Christmas. It’s my favorite time of the year, hands down. A full sensory onslaught of bright colors and intricate decorations, lush music and shiny lights, where old fashioned children’s entertainment is socially acceptable again, all in the service of briefly escaping the miserable bleakness that is the rest of the year? I am ALL OVER that! I crank up the Christmas music and put out all the garish decorations and consume toxic levels of Little Debbie cakes to a degree that’d make most elves shake their heads in disgust. I ADORE Christmas.
…buuuuuuuut that’s not to say I can’t see where my more “bah humbug” friends are coming from. I don’t actually DISAGREE with any part of that rant up top, and can totally understand why a person would hate the ugly farce that the holiday has morphed into over the years. It’s just that I already feel that way about EVERYTHING. I choke down a swell of primal disgust and willfully shut out overwhelming evil on all sides every time I get out of bed in the morning. Doing it a little more during December isn’t that big of a deal for me, especially if I get pretty decorations and music in exchange. But that brings us around to the other thing: Christmas music in particular. The ability of a major holiday to have its own trademark soundtrack and literally change what the world sounds like for a while is always impressive to me, and obviously Christmas has that covered like nothing else. Christmas music has been my favorite part of the whole yuletide multimedia package since I was a kid, and I’ll willingly subject myself to things that a more cynical person would sooner chew his own head off than listen to. AND YET!!! I still get it. Even I have my own limits, and I can respect the ones other people have. I spend pretty much every day surrounded by mass media and social events that I don’t have the slightest interest in. What’s more, I absolutely understand the Pavlovian sensation of hating a song you associate with a bad work situation, and work situations don’t come much worse than holiday retail. Even worse, the endless repetition of radio playlists could make ANY song hate-worthy when you’ve hear it thirty times in under a week. I’ve managed to largely avoid the worst of this through carefully curated, excessively varied personal playlists (and terribly shortsighted career choices) but I still get it. And that’s with songs I genuinely don’t mind on their own, we haven’t even gotten to the songs I just plain DON’T like.
Yes, for all my aggressive seasonal cheer and yuletide apologetics, there are still Christmas song that even I think are just plain BAD. Stuff that, even at my most aggressively holly jolly, will IMMEDIATELY make me mash that “skip” button. And since this is The Internet, I’m going to talk about things I don’t like! As an olive branch to my Grinchier brethren, let’s take a trip through some of the most omnipresent holiday hits that I just can’t stand. I’m sure I’ll miss a bunch of popularly unpopular standards, but getting me on record as not liking ANY Christmas-related media should be victory enough. I’ve got better things to do with my December than actively hunt down things other people don’t like. Besides, I’ve managed to make it over three decades on this earth without actually hearing John Denver’s “Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas” and I don’t see any reason to break that streak for the sake of some internet list. I’m also sure there’ll be at least a few of you who actually DO like at least one of these songs I’m about to talk trash about, in which case… look, I already openly indulge in too much indefensible holiday schlock every year. I unironically enjoy “Wonderful Christmastime” despite it objectively being a rough demo with synths performed by a cat walking on a keyboard. Just let me have this tiny island of cynicism amid the sea of cheer, okay?
10. Believe
There’s a whole sub-set of Christmas songs I don’t like dedicated to “Award Bait Songs;” the big, bloated, dramatic ballads that sound like they’d be tacked onto the closing credits of movies in a desperate attempt to snag an Oscar for Best Song. You know, the ones with overproduced orchestra swells and empty cliché-riddled lyrics and some wannabe opera diva over-singing all the big notes? I automatically associate that type of song with lame early-90s Disney knockoffs (or lame late-90s ACTUAL Disney), which makes it appropriate that our first item on this list actually IS from an animated children’s film. The big theme song from Polar Express is also the first of several where I’m actively restraining myself from going on a big log rant about some philosophical or theological issue I have with the lyrics. I guarantee you do NOT want to hear me fully unload on this or any of the other topics that could easily fill up this blog. I’ll just give you the short version –“Belief doesn’t work like that” – and move on.
I WILL go on about how I just don’t think it’s that great a piece of music… though in this case, the rant is a bit mild. “Believe” only gets the 10 spot because I actually kind of like the melody of the verses. It’s got a nice, ethereal, fairy tale vibe going with some precision minor keys in just the right spots for maximum enchantment. I could see myself liking an instrumental version of that part of the song… right up until the chorus kicks in. That’s where “Believe” collapses into the same bland power ballad dross I’d expect to see at the end of some Anastasia-esque animated flick where it really doesn’t belong. I also feel like I should be making a Josh Groban joke at this point, but to be honest I always thought the version of this song everybody plays was Michael Bublé, so I’m clearly not cut out to critique adult contemporary song boys.
9. Feliz Navidad
Another song that clocks in fairly low on the list because I don’t actually mind it in very small doses. It is a catchy, bouncy little ditty, and a nice change of pace to liven things up if your Christmas playlist has too many choir ballads in a row. I like it just fine… for about forty seconds. And then it repeats, and repeats again, and AGAIN, AND AGAIN. Listening to “Feliz Navidad” all the way through once is like listening to any other song five times in a row. After a single listen, I’ve already reached a level of overexposure most songs take all of December to reach. This is a song that desperately needs some more content; a few more verses with extra lyrics, a bridge with a different melody, even just a frickin’ KEY CHANGE would help “Feliz Navidad” be more bearable. As it is, this feels like a first draft demo, not a finished composition. The fact that it’s at least POSSIBLE to imagine a form of “Feliz Navidad” that I can stand saves it from being too high on the list, but it’s hard to think of another song that wears out its welcome this fast.
8. Let There Be Peace On Earth
We’re back to the award bait songs with this one, and one where my dislike will take a bit of explaining. There’s probably something to be said about the shallowness and hypocrisy of this kind of song being used in crass holiday marketing, but that’s not where my annoyance comes from. I mean, there shouldn’t be anything intrinsically bad about a “let’s all not be horrible to each other” song, but… well… it just sounds like a propaganda song. Seriously, this sounds like the kind of song that a dictator forces choirs of starving children to sing to foreign dignitaries to prove that they’re totally not building nukes. Maybe it’s the sing-song lullaby melody, which is downright aggressive in its attempts to sound innocent and doubly weird when sung by grown adults. A little creepy, actually. In fact, maybe this song sounds less like a dystopian propaganda anthem and more like something a spooky, long-haired girl sings right before Freddie Kruger shows up and kills someone. This would be the kind of song that gets played over the trailer of a holiday-theme horror flick. Either way, I just don’t like hearing it. No slasher killer dictator anthems in my Christmas, please. And speaking of holiday-themed death…
7. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
When I was cross-referencing my own most hated songs against those of the general public’s, I saw an awful lot of lists complaining about how 40s and 50s era novelty songs were too obnoxious. Too be honest, I find that pretty silly. I’m not about to argue with anyone that “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” or “My Two Front Teeth” AREN’T annoying, because of course they are. But that’s sort of the point. It’d be like complaining that Evil Dead is too bloody, or Guitar Wolf has too much feedback, or Godzilla isn’t very realistic. Who would expect otherwise? You’re under no obligation to like any of that stuff, but complaining that they’re being exactly what they were designed to be is just… kinda lame. I don’t think something is worth actively complaining about unless it tries to be something and FAILS at it, not when it succeeds at being something I just don’t like.
And that brings us to “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer,” because I think it’s got more strikes against it than just being objectively obnoxious. It’s a little hard to pinpoint the exact reason. Maybe it’s because those older songs have more of an air of old-timey innocence than the comparably more recent “Grandma,” or the absolute scientific fact that jokey redneck accents make EVERYTHING worse, but I think what pushes it over the line is the morbid subject matter. And just to be clear, I’m not automatically opposed to any holiday-themed dark humor. I think Rev. Glen Armstrong’s “Death Of An Elf” or Weird Al’s “Christmas At Ground Zero” are both masterpieces of black comedy. But they both KNOW they’re being dark and disturbing, that’s obviously the point. “Grandma” carries itself like it’s under the delusion of being silly and innocent fun for the whole family. You know, as it sings about an elderly woman getting trampled to death. I just don’t think the clash between tone and content works. Maybe if it committer harder to being an all-out bad taste extravaganza, I’d at least be clear on what it’s trying to be. Maybe if it hadn’t been adapted into seriously one of the worst holiday specials I’ve ever seen, I wouldn’t feel so strongly that the song believes itself to be more lighthearted than it is. Maybe if it just didn’t have the stupid redneck accent. Actually, that’s just a given. Drop the redneck accent. Please.
6. Last Christmas
This one might be the most objectively popular song on the list, but it’s got several strikes against it for me. For one thing, I’m automatically biased against romantic pop songs that randomly drop a mention of Christmas or snow in someplace to qualify as “holiday.” And yes, I realize a lot of “classic” Christmas songs are guilty of this, like “Let It Snow” or “Winter Wonderland” or even “Jingle Bells,” but you know what I mean. I also built up a strong dislike for the song back in my youth when I harbored an irrational hatred for all 80s synthpop. I was a proper classic rock SNOB as a kid, it must have been absolutely insufferable. I’ve significantly mellowed out from that that stance in my old age, and actually quite like a lot of frothy vintage synthpop when I’m in the right mood, but I still don’t like “Like Christmas.” No deep analysis on tone or content this time, I just think it’s a rubbish song. It’s formless and meandering and utterly lacking in hooks and I feel like I’ve wasted my time once it’s over and totally don’t understand why it’s so popular.
AND YET: in the interest of journalistic integrity, I must confess that there IS a version of “Last Christmas” I really like. It’s not really a straight cover, though, but a version by Danish Beatles tribute act “The Rubber Band” who rearranged it to sound like the Beatles’ version of “Please Mr. Postman.” I’m down with just about any song if it sounds sufficiently like The Beatles. In fact, another Beatles tribute act called The Fab Four did a version of “Feliz Navidad” arranged to sound like “And I Love Her,” and I like it significantly better than the original. SO let’s just have Beatles versions of all Christmas songs, okay? (I can’t imagine even The Beatles could save “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” though)
5. Baby It’s Cold Outside
OOOoookay, here we go. In sharp contrast to the previous entry, this one has had so MANY people express their dislike that it’ll be a struggle to find anything that hasn’t already been said. So many think pieces and hot takes and video essays to avoid repeating, but… yeah, everybody who thinks this song is kind of icky is right on the money. AND YES, I realize it’s not actually about a creepy dude trying to get a girl liquored up, but two consenting adults playing coy about something they’ve already totally decided to do anyway. Frankly, I don’t wanna hear about THAT in my Christmas music either. Again, I’m already biased against songs that are really just generic romantic ditties with some wintery weather smeared on top, never mind ones that fail so badly at being romatic.
Here’s the thing: the first memory I have of this song isn’t Christmas-related at all. It’s from an episode of The Muppet Show where Miss Piggy sings it with dancer Rudolf Nureyev, only the traditional roles have been reversed. Miss Piggy’s the one being a predatory creep, with Rudolf absolutely NOT being coy or disingenuous about waning to get away from her. And it works DISTURBINGLY well. Any song that sounds totally natural coming out of Miss Piggy is not a song that belongs on any healthy, well-adjusted Christmas playlist.
4. Grown Up Christmas List
Back to the award bait Christmas songs, and this one that REALLY sounds like it belongs on the closing credits of a lackluster Disney knockoff. Not even an Anastasia-level one, either; I’m talking Quest for Camelot levels of lackluster. In a lot of ways, this is the same song as “Let There Be Peace On Earth,” but as creepy as I find that singalong melody, at least that song HAS a melody. “Grown Up Christmas List” just sounds like it’s filling up space. In fact, if you strip away the bloated orchestral flourishes and inevitable diva vocals, it wouldn’t even sound like an award bait song at all. The formless, start-stop melody sounds more like one of those not-quite-songs that musicals use to squeeze a few more necessary bits of dialog in before transitioning to the REAL song. I’m sure some theatre kid knows what the official name for that stuff is called, but you know what I mean, right? Where the melody is just written around the necessary lines of dialog, not whether or not is actually sounds good? It’s boring to listen to on strictly musical terms, which just serves to make its frankly patronizing treatment of serious real world topics all the more annoying. And that’s another place where I could go on FAR longer than anyone would ever want to hear, so let’s just move on, shall we? Just imagine a random tune from one of the Swan Princess sequels, only it’s Christmas.
3. Santa Baby
How is this a thing? No, seriously, HOW HAS THIS MANAGED TO BE A THING? Again, plenty of people before me have dug into how insultingly shallow and materialistic and more than a little sexist the song is, so I won’t waste anyone’s time rehashing all that. I just think this song is BAD. The original sounds less like Eartha Kitt and more like a bad Eartha Kitt impression, the fundamental joke of the song is stretched out sooooooo faaaaaaar that even people who don’t mind it should be sick of it by the end, and the melody is just plain lame. Seriously, between the creeping melody and those derpy “baa bum baa bum” backing vocals, this song just sounds DUMB. This isn’t the soundtrack of a seductive temptress, it’s the soundtrack of a fat comic relief character trying to sneak around a corner and falling down. Again I ask: how has this song ever managed to be a thing? I can't even come up with a full paragraph's worth of complaints about this one, but I guess that's for the best considering what's coming up next...
2. Christmas Shoes
Oh man, and I thought the last few already had a lot of ink spilled over them. What is there even left to say about this one? No, seriously, what’s actually left? We’ve got blog posts, articles, comedy routines, video essays, college theses, dramatic readings, Shakespearean monologs, smoke signals, astrological signs, EVERYTHING that could possibly be said about why “Christmas Shoes” is emotionally manipulative, ethically suspect, theologically questionable, and creatively bankrupt has been said at this point. Well, maybe not so much that last part, at least as far as I’ve seen. So let’s try to slip past all the ideological issues of “Christmas Shoes” and dig into the fact that, on purely musical grounds, this song suuuuuuuuuuuks.
And make no mistake, I am not giving an inch on that opinion or the number of “U”s it employs. This song is BAD. It’s so deep into award bait schlock that it barely even registers as a real song, it’s more like a straightfaced PARODY of big, emotionally manipulative ballads. It checks off just about every possible cliché and does so to absurd degrees. The overwrought vocals with an unhealthy sprinkling of Nickleback-ism, the bloated production, the awkward way the chorus keeps stretching itself out like it’s making up extra lines off the top of its head (“I’m poor and also my Mom is sick actually no wait she’s dying and also JEEEEESUS!”), that bored-sounding children’s choir at the end… actually, let’s camp out on that one for a bit.
Next time you’re stuck in a room where “Christmas Shoes” is playing (I am NOT encouraging anyone to deliberately inflict this song on themselves just for the sake of this blog), really listen to the choir at the end. I mean REALLY pay attention to it. Those kids sound MISERABLE. It’s not even their fault, they’re clearly straining to sing well below their vocal range. Half of them just drop out completely at “just her size,” the notes are too low for them to hit. And why wouldn’t they be? That melody was written for a husky throated adult man! And that’s the amazing thing: out of all the tacky big song clichés “Christmas Shoes” pulls out, what’s the single solitary one it DOESN’T do? THE KEY CHANGE! The song never kicks it up a notch, I just stays locked in the same key where it started. One of the few times a truckers’ gear shift key change would have demonstrably improved the performance, and it’s the one trick they DON’T use! How do you do that while NOT writing a deliberate parody of terrible holiday songs?
And yet, after all that, there’s still one song I dislike a little bit more…
1. Do They Know It’s Christmas
Like “Christmas Shoes,” I’m far from the first person to point out the holes in this song. You’ve almost certainly heard someone more eloquent than me point out the ways in which “Do They Know It’s Christmas” is condescending and unintentionally racist, how it’s as much of an ego trip for the artists as a genuine attempt to help anyone, how history as proven that these ego trips almost never actually SUCCEED at helping the people they claim to, or how it’s just a preachy mood killer. All valid points, but once again, I’m cutting straight to the heart of the matter. I think this is a TERRIBLE piece of music, just awful. And that’s not just the residual anti-synthpop sentiment flaring up, any more than it was with “Last Christmas.” That’s a direct criticism of its lackluster construction as a song.
Sit in the quiet of your room and tell me: How does the melody of one verse of this song go? Where does a verse stop and a chorus begin? Is there a bridge? Aside from the big shouty hook of a title drop, this song makes no structural sense! It’s a mess! I accused “Feliz Navidad” of being an unfinished demo, but “Do They Know It’s Christmas” actually DOES sound like a demo. It genuinely sounds like Bob Geldof plopped a tape recorder on top of a Casio, got a basic rhythm loop going, and just started fumbling his way through some vague melodic mumblings he made up as he went. Only instead of picking the good bits out of that mess and writing an ACTUAL song around them, he just called up all his coked-up rock star friends and had them record the thing as-is that very afternoon. But that’s not the part that really, REALLY gets to me. That’s pretty much my same objection to “Last Christmas” and “Grown Up Christmas List,” and neither of those made it to the top of the list. So what pushed this one over the top? Would you believe it’s the one part of the song I actually LIKE?
Right after the first big shouty hook, and just seconds before the second (see what I mean about the song being a mess, structurally?) the song introduces a new keyboard riff that wasn’t there before: a slightly John Williams-y thing on a Casio drying desperately to sound like a bell choir. Honestly, it’s a charming little riff, and the song comes the closest to working once it’s at the center of everything. The problem is, it’s clearly meant to be a bit satirical. We’ve just had multiple verses of famine and starvation in Ethiopia and guilt over being better off and Bono Bonoing like he never Bonoed before, and suddenly everything quiets down for this happy little Christmas jingle to play. You can take it as a sarcastic mockery of clichéd holiday cheer in the face of all this tragedy, or a desperate plea for the True Meaning of Christmas™ to cut through all the mess, but it doesn’t really work as EITHER because everything leading up to this point SUCKED. “Now don’t you feel bad for focusing on all this cheesy holiday fluff when there’s this serious REAL stuff going on?” No, not if the self-appointed teller of the truth is as bad at is as you guys seem to be. The cheesy holiday fluff is apparently much more competent. Compare this to The Kink’s similar (if far more anglocentric) “Father Christmas.” That song ALSO drops out for some quiet jingle bell bits, but the snotty sarcastic bits are actually GOOD, so the whole package works. The only part of THIS song that actually works doesn’t even work in the broader context of the piece. A big, start-studded failure all around.
And if you think I’m being too hard on a well-meaning attempt to make the world a better place, go Google some quote from Bob Geldof and Midge Ure on the musical merits of “Do They Know It’s Christmas.” They are ABSOLUTELY on my side here.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go listen to some Christmas music I actually LIKE.
