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Backwards and Forwards
🕑 Added 2023-01-01 22:36:06 +0000 UTCHeya all, as 2022 ends and 2023 begins, I feel compelled to make something of a retrospective post. It's partly an apology to people too nice to expect one, partly a general update to let y'all know what's been going on, and partly a general vent into the universe. Content Warning for discussing of terminal illness and pet death.
SD Stuff:
Sleepless Domain has obviously updated less frequently this year than it should have, and for that I'm really sorry. Everyone's always so patient and supportive, but I want to apologize anyway and do better. Things have been really rough for reasons I'll get more into below, but I still want to do my best to improve my update rate this year. I'm also in the process of preparing files for Book 2, which I need to hurry up on. But that's happening! I know some people have been confused by the lack of it so far. There's been a lot going on on everyone's end, but it's finally coming along.
ALS Stuff:
As many of y'all know, in 2020 my dad was formally diagnosed with ALS and I moved back to my hometown to help out however I could. As is inevitable, that situation has continued to Get Worse over time. Dad's currently at the stage where he's stuck in the motorized chair, he can barely use his computer with his hands(we're awaiting a several-month-long process to get him an Eye Gaze computer atm), and everything from eating to bathroom stuff needs assistance. In a way we're lucky, since we got another Christmas in before he's fully bed bound. But I think that stage is coming soon, and we've had a ton of scares and emergencies. Suffice to say it's been A Lot, and will continue to be A Lot in 2023. It's the kind of thing that leaves everyone mentally and emotionally exhausted, especially my mother who has to care for both him and my very old Grandmother. I have no idea how many members of the household will pass away next year, but it's just a matter of time for two of them. Everything feels very transitory, and it won't be normal for a good while I don't think.
Froyo Loss:
As many of y'all also know, I lost my beloved cat Froyo this year when she got into some ibuprofen. I was pretty emotionally devastated for a full month, and I still lie awake some nights with guilt and anxiety remembering the whole thing >< But I'm trying to move on and remember the good things, and thankfully I have an amazing new fluffy boy cat named Taro to help. But god, it was really rough for a while there.
Poopoo Brain:
So suffice to say 2022 has been a fuck. I've spent a bunch of it pretty emotionally effed up and I've gained quite a bit of weight. I'm trying to find the right balance between wanting to do better on the work front, but also not beating myself more than is productive. I'm trying to get into therapy, but no dice on that so far XD But when updates are infrequent, please know that it's not that I don't care! I often sit down to work on pages, knowing more or less what needs to happen next, but having a hell of a time focusing on actually getting anything down on the page. Getting back on ADHD meds has helped some with that, along with getting help with the backgrounds! But it's still definitely a struggle.
Positive Stuff:
To be clear, things haven't been universally negative! I've been having a ton of fun with the whole Vtubing thing almost every night, and it's been great to have something creative I can work on without feeling that kind of overwhelming brain panic that makes my thoughts want to go Anywhere Else. I'm so glad there's people who have been enjoying these streams, 'cause they've seriously been a ton of fun for me! Sometimes therapy is just streaming games as a goofy catgirl apparently, lol.
I've also continued to foster, and keeping up with posting them to Cagle Cats! Which is frankly the most important thing I do, because everyone needs to look at my children at all times IMO. Cats are extremely good and important, and have gotten me through so much these past few years <3
As I said starting out, this post is a bit of a grab bag of thoughts and feelings. I seriously want to thank everyone for how patient and kind you've all been during this time. The only person beating me up for the slow updates has really been Me, haha! Which is incredibly generous, and please know I never take that generosity for granted.
2023 is inevitably going to be another rough one, but I'm hanging in there and hope to do my best by everyone. Obviously lots of people are struggling, many moreso than me, and I hope you're all taking care of yourselves and hanging in there too! I do feel a bit jazzed by the new year rolling over despite everything, and I wanna improve things as best I can! So uh... back to work!!
Comments
ALS is a horrific disease and the fact that you have managed to remain functional enough to keep being creative while assisting your father as he dies shows a remarkable amount of inner strength and passion. To also be coping with so much other grief and stress? Dear God, it is a miracle you are holding together. Never apologize, you are doing above and beyond what anyone could ever reasonably ask of you. Any time you need a break, take it. We will be here when you get back to announce your return from the mountaintops and bring back the pageviews. Always take care of yourself first. After all, SD doesn't exist without you. You can always return to it later. ❤️
Benjamin Cush
*all the hugs that are acceptable from an internet stranger*
