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Somewhere, Tobirama is Rolling in His Grave and Laughing His Ass Off
🕑 Added 2025-08-13 05:10:33 +0000 UTC{Alt title:- The Senju Clan: Proudly Trolling Uchihas Since the Warring States Era}
To say the council was shocked would be an understatement. Because right now, right in front of their eyes was Ren, hugging Tsunade.
No, more than hugging, he was practically clinging to her like some kid who’d just scraped his knee and run crying to his big sister, loudly complaining about how the council had been bullying him.
The same Ren who, not even a minute ago, had threatened the Hyuga clan leader with dismantling the clan’s barrier system.
The same Ren who, allegedly, had gone around the entire village painting it in bold colors and claiming it as “Senju property” without an ounce of shame.
The same Ren who, just a few days prior, had demolished an entire Root base from the ground up, capturing every last Root operative by himself.
The same Ren who had punched Danzo, arguably one of the most dangerous men in the village square in the eye, and not in some dark alley, but in broad daylight, in full view of half the population of Konoha.
That same Ren… was now whining like a spoiled little brother in front of Tsunade.
The council members’ expressions ranged from blank disbelief to barely concealed gaping. Even so, not one of them dared to say a word, because at this moment, Tsunade’s chakra was pressing down on the entire chamber like the wrath of an enraged mother bear whose cub had just been cornered by a pack of hunters. The air was thick, heavy, and just breathing felt like work.
And the absurdity of it all was that they hadn’t actually even bullied him. They hadn’t gotten more than three sentences in, definitely not enough to count as any sort of harassment before Tsunade had come storming in like a rampaging force of nature, slamming the doors open and radiating killing intent at anyone within ten feet of Ren.
The one who looked the most terrified in the room was Hiashi Hyuga. And he had every reason to be. Because regardless of what anyone else might claim, the scene Tsunade had walked into was one where he, Hiashi, had been flaring his chakra at Ren, pressing down on him with clan head authority, while Ren was forced to one knee.
Which, logically speaking, shouldn’t have even been possible. Ren shouldn’t have been suppressed by Hiashi.
Ren couldn’t have been suppressed by Hiashi.
In fact, aside from Hiruzen, there wasn’t a single person in this entire room who should be able to overpower Ren in sheer chakra presence. And yet, somehow, the scene had twisted itself into this.
Ren didn’t seem to mind. He was milking it for all it was worth.
“Big sis!” Ren wailed, his voice loud enough to echo off the walls. “They kept bullying me into accepting their words without any proof! And when I pushed them for actual evidence, they lied to me about the council’s own rules!”
The words came out with all the dramatic energy of someone narrating a tragedy, and his grip on Tsunade’s sleeve only tightened.
Tsunade’s eyes softened at the ‘big sis’ though her voice, when she leaned down to whisper in his ear, was all suspicion.
“Oi, brat. You said you were in mortal danger, so what’s this about? And why are you shouting like an idiot instead of just decking that stuck-up Hyuga leader?”
She wasn’t wrong. If Ren had wanted, Hiashi could have been introduced to the wall in under three seconds.
Still clinging to her, Ren kept up his loud act for the audience while simultaneously whispering back in a low voice, “Just go along with it. If we get the land deed of the village back, you’ll never run out of gambling money again.”
That got her attention. Her eyes lit up instantly until her brows furrowed a moment later.
“But I already have the village’s land deed,” she whispered back. “Which other deed are you talking about?”
Ren’s mouth froze mid-shout. His eyes widened slightly, and his voice cut off in a sharp, confused,
“Huh?”
Ren was still hanging off Tsunade like some overgrown koala, legs locked around her waist. But this time he pushed himself back just enough to get a proper arm’s length between them, gripping her shoulders tight and staring dead into her eyes.
Half disbelief, half giddy excitement, his words came out in a rush, “You have the village land deed? The one that says the Senju clan owns village land and that we can collect rent from the shops?”
Now it was Tsunade’s turn for the jaw-drop moment. Her eyes widened, and she barked out in shock, “The Senju clan can collect rents from the shops in the village?!”
Ren just blinked at her. Then his brows shot up. Then he flat-out yelled, “You didn’t know that?!”
Tsunade threw her hands up in defense, snapping back just as loud,
“Well, grandma didn’t tell me the Senju clan could collect rents! If I’d known that, do you think I’d be out here wandering from town to town, scrounging money off everyone?!”
She waved an arm dramatically, voice climbing higher, “Sometimes I get so desperate, I actually think about tracking down Orochimaru for cash!”
That got a few raised brows from the bystanders, but she kept going like nothing happened. “That snake bastard just had to defect… back then he was loaded, and I could always squeeze a good chunk of ryo out of him, under the pretext of friendship, of course.”
She smirked slightly, almost nostalgic. “Let me tell you, Orochimaru’s personality is garbage, his hobbies are creepy, his morals are nonexistent… but when it came to relationships, the man was a fool. I just had to toss him a little friendly affection, and boom, cash in hand.”
Then she waved herself off, shaking her head. “Ah, I’m missing the damn point. Quick, tell me how much money have I missed out on over the years?”
Ren, still clamped onto her, started crunching numbers in his head. But before diving in, he turned sharply to one side, catching Fugaku in his sights.
“Hey! Itachi’s old man! Average rent for shops in the village, what’s it at?”
Fugaku, somehow managing to remain only mildly surprised by the absolute circus in front of him, answered without hesitation,
“Well… it varies. Different clans, different locations, different types of shops. But on average, somewhere between twenty-five and thirty thousand ryo.”
Ren nodded quickly, muttering to himself as his mind began firing through the math.
“Right… so… the village has 550 shops… half of them belong to the village, rent-free… eighty-three belong to the Senju clan…” His voice quickened as he kept going, “Which means there are 192 left… with an average rent of twenty-five thousand ryo… monthly that’s about 4.8 million ryo… which makes yearly income around 57 million…”
His eyes flicked back to Tsunade. “You’ve been gone, what, eleven years? That’s 633 million total. Take away 25% for the village share… leaves 75%… that’s 475 million ryo. Four. Hundred. And. Seventy-five. Million.”
The grip on her shoulders tightened as he shook her once, voice rising in pure exasperation. “You missed 475 million ryo, you idiot! Why the hell didn’t you read the land deed?!”
But Tsunade wasn’t listening anymore. Her gaze had gone distant, pupils unfocused, lips moving as she quietly repeated the numbers like they were some half-forgotten prayer. “Four seventy-five… million… ryo…”
~
While Ren and Tsunade were… well, doing whatever that was supposed to be, the rest of the council finally, finally got a chance to breathe. The suffocating weight of Tsunade’s chakra had vanished the instant Ren brought up money, like it had never existed at all. One second they were pinned in place by the killing intent of an angry Senju, the next… nothing.
The shift was so abrupt that for a moment no one moved. They just exchanged glances, silently agreeing on one thing, this was their window to get the meeting back on track. Eventually, all eyes settled on the Third Hokage.
Hiruzen wasn’t looking at them though. He had a faraway, almost hazy expression, his eyes softer than they’d been in years… and a faint wetness gathering at the corners. He just sat there, quietly watching as Ren and Tsunade bickered about wasted money like it was some household squabble instead of a council matter.
No one wanted to interrupt, but Tsunade’s earlier words, about having the land deed were far too important to let slide. Someone had to speak up.
Hiashi stepped forward first, his voice calm but firm. “Lord Hokage, we need to continue the meeting.”
The words seemed to pull Hiruzen back from wherever his thoughts had wandered. He blinked, then glanced at Tsunade again… and softly murmured, almost to himself.
“Tsuna…”
Tsunade froze mid-motion, her hand halfway to shoving Ren off of her. The name hit her like a physical blow. It had been years since she’d heard anyone call her that. Back then, it had always made her feel… warm, safe and…happy.
But today? Today it was different.
Ever since learning Ren was alive a few months ago, she’d started her own quiet investigations, digging up old truths, uncovering bits of history no one had bothered to tell her before. What she’d found… well, it had left her with more questions than answers, and more anger than nostalgia. Hearing that name from his mouth now twisted something inside her chest.
Her throat felt tight, but she forced the word out, slow and reluctant.
“…Sensei.”
The hesitation was clear. Painfully clear. Hiruzen heard it. For a moment, the old man seemed to age another decade right there in his chair. He took in a breath, then spoke in a voice that tried for formality but carried an undercurrent of pleading.
“Please, take a seat. This is the council hall.”
It was a reminder of decorum, yes… but the tone said something else entirely, “Please… just stay.”
Tsunade stayed standing for a long moment, staring at him in silence. Then, without a word, she finally moved. She dropped into Ren’s seat at the council table, dragging him along and plopping him beside her on the tabletop like he was some oversized doll.
And just like that, the staring match began. Tsunade and Hiruzen, eyes locked, the rest of the room caught in the quiet tension between them.
But while that battle of wills played out, another war had already started, right there on the table.
Because Ren, completely oblivious to proper council etiquette, was sitting exactly in Fugaku’s line of sight. The Uchiha clan head’s view was entirely blocked, and his expression darkened like a brewing storm.
Without a word, Fugaku tried to push Ren aside. Just a small nudge, nothing dramatic. But Ren didn’t move. Not even an inch.
Instead, Ren tilted his head back slowly and deliberately and stuck his tongue out.
Fugaku’s eyes narrowed dangerously. His Sharingan flared to life, three tomoe spinning as he studied the situation and there it was. Chakra. The brat had actually glued himself to the tabletop with chakra, just to stay right in his way.
Fugaku’s hands pressed harder, pouring more chakra into the effort. Still, Ren didn’t budge. Not even a wiggle.
Ren tilted his head back again, this time holding the tongue-out gesture a little longer, just to make sure Fugaku got the message.
Fugaku’s temper snapped. His Sharingan began spinning faster, like they were on the verge of evolving into something sharper, deadlier. He even planted one foot on the table, ready to climb up and physically remove Ren if that’s what it took.
And then Hiruzen’s voice cut through the tension.
“Tsuna… how nice to have you back in the village.”
The words shifted the entire room’s focus at once. All eyes turned toward the Hokage. And when they looked back to the table… Ren and Fugaku were both sitting like nothing had happened. Calm, normal and completely innocent.
Almost too innocent.
~~~~~
{Been a while since I wrote a crack chapter and somehow it is once again with Tsunade and Fugaku.}
{Also, don’t you guys think that if Fugaku didn’t already have the Mangekyo then Ren might become the cause for him getting one?}
