Alusion
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Chapter Forty: One Man’s Hero Is Another’s Monster
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Chapter Forty: One Man’s Hero Is Another’s Monster
I wake up in a world of smoke, darkness, and fire. My ears ring painfully, and my head aches something fierce. At this point, though, I’m almost used to things like this. Fragments of memory play through my mind: riding in the transport with Nash, the explosion, and finally, the flash of green light as Haruto presumably shielded me.
My vision swims as I sit up, I feel as if I should be looking for something or doing something, but I’m not quite sure what. Nash, I realize as my head starts to clear I need to make sure Nash is okay. Haruto had been in his assault state, and I can’t imagine the bulwark of a man being injured by something as simple as an explosion, but Nash and the driver are just normal humans — they can’t withstand a bomb like Haruto, and I can.
Well, I suppose Haruto had needed to save me as I wasn’t in my assault state at the time. Speaking of which…
I shift, clarity and strength flooding back into me. It isn’t safe for me to be in my assault state with my mana toxicity this high, but I’ll just have to deal with it. With the clarity comes Celeste’s voice in my head.
[Serena!] she cries, and I find her huddled next to me on the pavement. [Oh, please be okay!]
“I’m mostly okay, I think,” I respond, rubbing at my temples. Stars, even in my assault state, it’s difficult to focus. “What’s everyone’s status?”
[Haruto is fighting the attackers,] Celeste says, scampering in nervous circles beside me. [I don’t know where the others are.]
I do my best to calm my franticly beating heart. If Haruto is still fighting, then helping him needs to be my top priority. Neither of us is in great shape for a fight and… stars! What if the overlord is here?!
With the enhancement of my assault state flowing through me, I’m able to climb to my feet with ease — further proving that the injuries I’d taken in the explosion are nominal. Looking around, I get my bearings.
Night has truly fallen now, and the flaming wreckage of the transport lights the street. The fire is wild, burning high and hot enough to dry out my skin. I must have been dragged away, but evidently, Haruto hadn’t had time to get me far.
Sitting in the driver’s seat of the transport is the blackened corpse of the soldier who’d flown us. Another soldier dead; I never learned his name. Stars… I haven’t even had a chance to ask about the names of the men who’d died in the incursion zone.
I take a moment to look around the wreckage, but I don’t see Nash. Deciding to take that as a good sign, I allow my eyes to drift back to the corpse. His blackened flesh is starting to crumble and peel away, but the fire doesn’t seem to be what killed him. A shredded piece of fuselage is embedded through the majority of his neck, nearly decapitating him. He likely died before having to experience the agony of burning to death.
Forcing my eyes away from the corpse, I scan the night further. It’s hard to see much, blinded as I am from staring into the bright light of the flames. However, I can see flashes of green power near the apartment building we’d landed in front of.
In a swirl of mist, my new bow appears in my hand, inscriptions shining with power. Someone is going to pay for this.
As I approach, I finally manage to get a clear look at Haruto. He stands, shining like an emerald beacon in the darkness, a chivalrous knight of old, come to protect the innocent.
I have to admit that he cuts a heroic figure: hammer raised against black clad figures that surround him, shimmering green shields appearing and disappearing, and his shining armor gleaming in the light of the burning wreckage.
Even his familiar contributes to the fight. Verne isn’t what I’d call a fast mover, but I can clearly see him helping Haruto manage his shields. This allows him to block attacks as if he has eyes in the back of his head.
Still, Haruto is on the losing end of this battle. As I watch, one of the men attacking him rushes forward — inhumanly fast — and attempts to shove a knife into Haruto’s gut. It’s blocked by a green barrier, of course, but the man managed to hit Haruto’s assault state shield with a solid strike. How many more of those can he handle? Time to turn the tables.
None of the combatants seem to have realized my presence yet, which gives me an excellent moment to strike. A healer I might be, but I just spent more money than a house on this bow. It’s time to see what it can do when the fight is real.
As before, it’s startlingly easy to draw back the icy string of my new bow, an arrow swirling with volatile power materializing along with the string. I take a moment to wait for one of the men on the street to stand mostly still.
Disgust swirls in my gut as I sight-in on a man looking for an opportunity to rush Haruto. This isn’t the same as killing a volcora. This is an actual human person that I’m about to fire on. I hesitate, but only for a moment. I will heal all I can, but sometimes I have to protect as well. It's either kill this man or let Haruto die. I’ll have to figure out my emotions later. I release the string.
The bow cracks like thunder in my hands, and the arrow blurs forward before impacting the man right in the chest. Somehow, the man’s chest seems to stop the arrow for just a moment, tattoos all across his body fairing with dark power. The tattoos these men use to augment themselves seem to offer them some degree of protection… not enough, though.
My arrow penetrates into the man and detonates. He screams as electricity and ice shards rip his entire chest to bloody ribbons… the scream cuts off quickly. The man falls to the ground, twitching and grabbing at his chest before falling still, dead. The frost of the arrow continues to creep outward from the wound, but I don’t have time to focus on that. I’ve gained the attention of the others.
For a stunned moment, the other men attacking Haruto turn towards me, their eyes wide with horror. They look at me as I once looked upon the mind flayer upon first seeing it — like I’m a monster from their nightmares.
Haruto doesn’t waste that moment, using the time to finally go on the offensive. He swings his hammer around in a wide arc, and inscriptions begin to glow brightly on its surface. The hammer slams into the head of the nearest of Haruto’s attackers, caving in the man’s scull and snapping his head to one side. That man also falls, joining his friend on the ground as a corpse.
I let out a shuttering breath, even as I draw back another arrow. I eye the men surrounding Haruto, daring them to try attacking him once more. With their tattoos and whatever strange powers they grant, maybe they’ll have a chance. Evidently, though, a few tattoos does not a sentinel make. The men regard the two corpses with horror before turning tail and running.
My heart hammers in my chest as my eyes fall back to the now-frozen corpse of the man I’d killed. It… it had been necessary… right? I… I don’t have a non-lethal method of attacking other than trying to fistfight them, and that would risk both my life and Haruto’s.
I barely even perceive Haruto walking up to my side to join me in looking at the bodies, not until he lays a gauntleted hand on my shoulder. “We did what we had to do,” he says gently. “They didn’t give us another choice.”
“We killed two people today,” I breathe. I don’t know how I’m going to sleep tonight. How is it fair that I get to go home to my bed, and these men will never get to leave this street?
“What were we supposed to do?” Haruto asks, gently grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at him and away from the bodies. “They attacked us, and we defended ourselves. Stars, if I hadn’t seen that rocket coming out the window, we would have all died. So far as I’m concerned, if someone tries to kill me and mine, they are as good as volcora.”
For a long moment, I just stand there, breathing in and out. It had been self-defense. Not only that, but these men had tried to kill a child. Are we just supposed to let that go?
My eyes widen at the thought, “Nash!?” I exclaim, whirling to Haruto. “Is he-”
“Fine,” Haruto responds quickly. “He was holding Verne when the transport exploded. Verne shielded him, and I shielded you. His foster father had already been on his way out, so he ran out, grabbed the boy, and took him inside.”
I nod; that must have been why Haruto was fighting by the apartment building. He needed to make sure none of the men got inside. He’s lucky I woke up fast enough to help. Otherwise, he may have been in trouble.
Thank the stars that Nash is safe. I’m not sure what I’d have done if the boy died. Nothing good, that’s for certain.
I sigh, “I need to shift back to my rest state. If I don’t do it soon, I’m just going to collapse on you. Will you be able to handle things from here?”
Haruto glances to the burning transport and then the bodies on the street. “I’m honestly not sure how one is meant to ‘handle this.’ But… I’ll do my best.”
“Okay… just… tap me or something if you need help again,” I say, before I shift back into my rest state, and sink to the freezing asphalt to rest.
***
I arrive home rather late at night. Not too late, mind you, but late enough that the traffic on the skyway has diminished significantly. The only light in the hallway outside my apartment door is that of the dim overhead lights, one of which flickers fitfully.
For a long few seconds, I just stand and stare at the closed door. In reality, it hasn't been so long since I was last here, and yet, it feels like an eternity. The Serena that left this apartment to go to the GDF that morning isn’t the same one that’s returning, and I can’t help but wonder if I still belong here.
I killed a man today… yes, he deserved it, but still. I can’t seem to close my eyes anymore without seeing bodies: the driver burning in the transport, the icicle of a corpse I’d made with my own hands, Margret torn apart and spread bare on rain-soaked asphalt, and even Richard with his eyes and brains melted. It’s only been… what, four days? Four days, and I can’t count the number of people I’ve seen die.
As I stand before the door to my apartment, to my old life before this… mess, I start to understand how Audrey and Kayne must see the world. They barely seem to care or notice the deaths happening around them, even as the same sights tear me to shreds. Perhaps, once upon a time, they were just like me — perhaps they were also cut up by the weight of being a sentinel, the weight of surviving.
We are fighting a losing war… deaths are inevitable. Despite how much I love Shinara, I have to admit that it’s in chaos. We’re one slip up away from the Volcora breaking into the city, the Independent Watch is corrupt and not doing anything about the crime running rampant, and the GDF is too busy trying to keep this whole thing afloat to really offer the kind of solutions that people need.
When I was a little girl, I saw Shinara as being a place of hope for millions of refugees. People from all walks of life and locations around the world had come here, hoping for safety — hoping to be able to rebuild their lives. Despite all of the darkness I’ve seen recently, I know that those people are still here in the city. Living in communities out in the slums, many of them even having made their way up to the skyway as my father and I had.
But… am I fighting for a vision of Shinara that doesn’t exist anymore? Grandpa is here right now, offering me an out. Am I a fool for not taking it? Am I a fool for believing that Shinara can once again be the wonderous place I’d dreamed of as a child? Do I even belong here anymore?
I let out a harsh breath, somewhere between a laugh and a sob. Part of me wants to believe I’m just coming home from school, as I’ve done so many times before, that my body isn’t weak from mana toxicity, and the familiar on my shoulder never arrived. Maybe, if I can believe that, I can walk through this door and go eat dinner with Dad. We can watch his favorite old cop shows and, for a moment, forget about the nightmare life has become. Maybe, when I’m here at my house, I can still be the Serena that used to exist. The one that could smile and laugh, the one that didn’t dream of death.
I decide to indulge that fantasy — to try to be that girl again, if just for a little while. Holding that self-image in place, I finally produce my key from my inventory and unlock the door.
Dad sits near the entryway, on the couch facing the TV and the window overlooking the dark city glittering with lights. The coffee table before him is littered with papers, and for a moment, I think he must be grading students’ homework. These papers, however, look far too official. Maybe he’s doing taxes?
Dad’s face lights up with a brilliant smile as he sees me enter, and he stands to give me a hug. “Hey! You’re home later than I thought. Did that mentor of yours keep you with training?”
I return his hug fiercely, pressing myself to my father’s body and trying to allow the tension within me to release. I open my mouth to answer his question, but suddenly, all I can see is the burning corpse in the transport; all I can feel is the heat of the raging fire.
I shudder, covering the movement by hugging Dad tighter. “Yeah,” I finally manage to respond, releasing Dad and attempting to smile. “We’ve got lots of training to do.”
Dad gives me a searching look. That look that meant that he knows something’s wrong but doesn’t know how to fix it. I wonder if he feels the same strangeness being back here that I do.
Eventually, Dad moves back to his spot on the sofa and gestures for me to sit beside him. I do, sitting closer then strictly necessary. Perhaps being closer to Dad will help shield me from the pain of the last few days, maybe he’ll just be able to make it all go away. It’s a shameful, thought, but one I feel none-the-less. Right now, a part of me wishes Celeste had never come to me in my room that day.
Forcing myself away from that line of thought, I gesture to the papers littering the table. “What is all this?” I make myself ask.
Dad turns to me and offers me another smile, “We’re working on getting you out.”
Getting me out? We? What is he… oh…
“You’re… you’re working with Grandpa?” I ask, although I suddenly know the answer. If there’s one thing that would get Dad to work with his father, it’s something regarding my safety.
Dad nods, starting to look… ashamed?
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he says, laying a hand on my shoulder. “What the GDF has done to you is not okay by any stretch of the imagination. That farce of a general disregarded almost all of the sentinel training protocols by sending you into that incursion zone so early. She almost got you killed, and I’m not going to forget that. I… I know you want to be a sentinel, darling. But I’m not going to let her keep playing games with your life at stake. You’re legally mandated to work for the GDF, but we can force a transfer. Your grandpa has connections in America; we can make sure you’re safe.”
I don’t know what to say… I don’t have words to say. I… I don’t even know if I agree with what Dad’s doing or not.
“Y-You’re… working with him?” I ask, finding tears in my eyes.
Dad nods slowly, “I’ve made no secret of hating my father. I know the only reason he wants you in America is so he can groom you for that damned company of his. I won’t let him — that I promise you. But getting you away from this GDF Branch does feel like the right move. I’m sorry, Serena. As your father, my first concern is always for your safety, and seeing you that hurt… I can’t do it again. I won’t.”
I close my eyes, my entire mind in turmoil. I don’t know what to do. I want to stay with my team and protect that vision of Shinara, but I hate the idea of going against my dad. I want to protect people, but I also just want this pain to stop.
Tears roll down my face as I consider again and again and again. I feel like my mind has become a broken record, constantly battling the same thoughts. Dad begins to rub my back gently, trying to make me feel better… it helps a little.
I’m startled when the door to the apartment is pushed open again, and I open my eyes, looking up. Akari strides into the room before pausing as she takes in the scene before her. “Sorry… I-” she starts, looking embarrassed.
I shoot to my feet before dashing over and giving her a hug as well. Awkwardly, Akari returns my hug. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks gently before giving a sly smile. “Sometimes talking about it can help.”
A broken laugh forces itself from my lips. “S-Stop quoting what I say back at me,” I complain weakly. Then, “Yes… if you don’t mind.”
Dad looks over at us, hugging before offering a smile, “You girls, let me know if you need anything from me. I’m happy to heat some food up for you.”
Akari gives Dad a nod before we make our way back to my room and shut the door.
As soon as we enter, Celeste leaps off my shoulder and onto the bed, Liora appearing beside her a moment later. Since Akari had begun living here, the two familiars had started becoming friends as well. My understanding from Celeste is that most familiars don’t interact with each other or other sentinels much, but that had started to change in both Liora and Celeste.
I watch with a gentle smile as the two familiars run around on the bed. Likely chatting to one another about what they’d been up to while play-fighting. Then, I look up and see the poster hanging above my bed.
It shows Audrey, glowing and vibrant… she cuts a majestic figure — the perfect sentinel. I stride up and tear the poster from the wall. Audrey hadn’t been the perfect sentinel that day. She hadn’t fought for us to not go into that incursion space before we were ready; she hadn’t protected us within like she’d promised. Hell, she’d become part of the danger!
I know these feelings are unfair to Audrey… but… stars…
Tears roll down my cheeks once more as I hurl the crumpled-up poster at the trash bin as hard as I can. I miss, of course, but I can’t bring myself to care.
“Serena?” Akari asks, watching me with wide eyes.
My gaze falls, shame coursing through me. “I’m sorry…”
Akari walks forward and places her hand on my shoulder. “I wish I had words to say to make you feel better.”
I sit down on the bed, Celeste scurrying over to curl next to me. “I’m really not sure there are words to say. I killed a man today. I don’t… I don’t feel connected to the person I was before the incursion zone. I… I can’t keep going like this. Every time I try to tell myself that things will get better, I just think that we’ll be back in another incursion zone on Thursday.”
Akari sits beside me, her eyes downcast. “I’m sorry I’ve failed you so thoroughly. I told you I’d protect you and… well, I’ve done a shit job at that… haven’t I.”
I turn to her, shocked. “Akari, you’ve done more for me than I could have ever asked.”
Akari shakes her head, but her shoulders firm. “No… but I’ll do my best.” She meets my eyes and says, “Let’s start with this. Maybe you did kill a man today, but how many have you saved? Tell me, Serena, how many lives have you saved since becoming a sentinel?”
I sigh and turn away. “I don’t know; the people I healed today would have gotten healed anyway.”
“Would they have?” Akari challenges. “You and Celeste are responsible for finding them and making sure they got out of those cages. You healed them up and even personally escorted that little boy home. Did you know that almost half of the GDF transports taking the victims home tonight were attacked? Of all of them that were, yours was the only one that got its victim home safely.”
“Haruto did that, not me,” I argue.
“Haruto wouldn’t have been there if not for you,” Akari rebukes. “Stars, Serena. Don’t even look at today; how many lives did you save when you put a sword through the mind flayer’s head? To me, that’s what being a sentinel is all about. You’re a hero, Serena. You should stand tall and proud.”
I lay back on the bed, my eyes staring listlessly up at the ceiling fan above me. I don’t feel like a hero. All I’ve done is run from situation to situation, doing my best in each one. But… well, I suppose everyone sees Audrey as some kind of perfect hero as well. Audrey, who makes just as many mistakes as anyone else — who, on the inside, is just as broken as I am. Maybe that’s what it truly means to be a sentinel… to do the things that no one else wants to do.
For a long moment, I just lay there watching the ceiling fan spin above me — losing myself in its mesmerizing motion. Then, I sit back up and give Akari another hug.
“Maybe you should’ve been the blue sentinel. You’re good at this,” I say, managing a weak smile.
Akari shrugs, “I think not. Thank you for the sentiment, though. Now, I think we both need to get to bed. It’s been a long day, and we have school tomorrow.”
I let out a clipped laugh. Stars! To think I’d been worried about my inscribing test a little over a week ago! With everything we’ve survived, I’m certain I can survive a day at school, too. Teachers are nothing compared to Volcora and gangs, right?
Comments
phantom
Now her dad is on about sending her out early like that had anything to do with a Mindflayer being there.. She said her dad had an aura of helping people. I suspect that might fall apart as he is choosing Serena over those she has helped. Basically making the decision to be a sentinel like it is a day job and not a matter of life and death for those she saves.
