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Changeling Part 7

🕑 Added 2023-06-28 15:03:24 +0000 UTC

Comments

Flying Goat

Suggestions (including a couple things that I found confusingly worded, and had to re-read to understand): "meant they took an increasingly longer time to clear" -> "meant they took an increasingly long time to clear" (or "took longer and longer to clear") "longer" compares two lengths, and the sentence structure isn't actually set up to compare the lengths of time of two subsequent portals. "shared more in common with worms than mammals that she could tell." -> "shared more in common with worms than mammals as far as she could tell." "A quick shot with one of the pneumatic rifles sent a cone of steel lodging itself into the wall, not very deep but deep enough to hurt her." -> "A quick shot with one of the pneumatic rifles sent a cone of steel lodging itself into the wall, not very deep but deep enough to hurt her if it hit her." (Without that last clause, seems to be implying hitting the wall deeply would hurt her - I don't think she's defended by a wall?) "They did feel difficult to handle though, despite the lack of recoil." - this is awkward. There's no clear antecedent to "they". The last they was the creatures. The last sentence mentioned shots, rifles, and walls. I read it as creatures, initially, and had to search for "rifles", so think you should state explicitly somewhere that she grabbed a rifle and is examining it (Was she the one who fired into the wall? It's not clear). "Even though she was in the shadows, the medusa turned directly to her. Nestra realized that the entire appendage was covered in eyes." -> Should have some mention that "the appendage" is it's head. Either "the medusa turned its head directly to her", or "Nestra realized that its entire head was covered in eyes."

Flying Goat

Where did Nestra get directions to this portal? I may have missed it, but at the end of the last one in part 5, there was no note, since her benefactor said he'd be gone for 3 days. At the end of the one if part 1-4, it just said "find the next coordinates below and enjoy the time off", so I assume it only had the coordinates for one more portal. Otherwise, she wouldn't have time off, right?

Smaug

Fun chapter, so we are going to get planewalking eventually, that's pretty cool.

Diego Rossi

A correction suggestion: "and a strange creature that looked like a medusa planted on a gorilla’s body as its head." -> "and a strange creature that looked like a medusa head planted on a gorilla’s body." or "and a strange creature that looked like a gorilla’s body with a medusa planted as its head." It all depend if the head is that of Medusa, the mythical monset or a medusa the jellyfish.

RonGAR

🤔 Just had a new thought: What if ALL gleams are secretly like Nestra? A demon in hiding? Hiding in using a human 'mask'. What if they didn't lose the last great war? What if they won and just wrote the history they wanted? That means her whole family and all other gleams are like her, and she doesn't know that she is hiding for nothing. That would be an amazing twist. 😎

Young Youghurt

It's one thing to mention something clearly and the second it having any meaning. The way it was presented it seemed so general and far away like when you decide to visit your grandma more... in the future... for sure... one day It's meant to be a captivating story about her somewhat fucked up life. More emphasis on her punky goal is welcomed.

SunderGoldmane

My guess is no core. Every other gleam in the public eye has a core.

Aruj

I'm not sure I understand why did she decide that she is from another specie, rather than it being some weird gleam power?

Boenn

I thought that the 2nd goal was clearly established, but ok


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