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A Message for Empaths (fair warning: very long read)
🕑 Added 2022-03-30 15:08:38 +0000 UTCI want this to be a message to help protect the empaths out there like me. I have spoken up about this in the past years on Reddit, and it bears repeating now.
I urge you to read up about overt/covert narcissists and how they prey on empaths, especially if you are an empath yourself. I have had to deal with this specific type of person over and over again for the past 6 years. I would like to share my knowledge in hopes it may help others. I also recommend Doctor Ramani's videos (she's a clinical psychologist) if you are seeking more education.
Signs of a narcissist:
-Violating boundaries (overt/covert)
-Your boundaries "hurt their feelings" (overt/covert)
-The need for attention (overt/covert)
-Grandiosity (overt)
-Often very charismatic/overly charming (overt)
-Need to feel special (overt/covert)
-Love bombing/forcing connection VERY quickly (overt/covert)
-Their actions don't match their words (overt/covert)
-Entitlement (overt/covert)
-Demanding trust they have not earned (overt)
-Never accepting blame (overt/covert)
-Finger-pointing (overt)
-Gaslighting (overt/covert)
-Verbally abusive (overt)
-Arrogance (overt)
-Circular talking/word salad/not answering a question directly (overt)
-Calling you "too sensitive" (overt)
-A pattern of dismissing your needs/feelings (overt/covert)
-Behaving hot/cold (overt)
-Manipulative behavior (overt/covert)
-Hoovering AKA trying to suck you back in (overt/covert)
-Baiting you (overt/covert)
-Shallow apologies (overt)
-Guilt-tripping (overt/covert)
-The need to control you (overt/covert)
-Your interactions with them leave you feeling confused and/or drained (overt/covert)
-Puppet-mastering others to their benefit (overt)
-And...if you call them out, they will often turn it back around and call *you* the narcissist (aka more gaslighting)
Note: NEVER tell a narcissist they are a narcissist. It is very dangerous. There is a term called "narcissistic rage" for this reason.
Engaging with these people is very damaging to your long-term mental health because once they realize they can control you/your emotions they will keep doing it until you are a shell of your former self. This often leads to a toxic relationship of co-dependency if you are very close with the narcissist.
To a narcissist, you are not special or a friend. You are a supply/source of energy and attention for them to constantly take from to feel better about themselves.
***
Below is a post I shared on my subreddit around January 2017 that somewhat touches on this topic. Before I would post important topics I would save drafts, so I still have some of my posts from those days. I think it's worth sharing again and I've edited the language to be SFW. I'm sharing again now if you'd like to read.
***
Circa Jan 2017 - post from my subreddit:
There are moments when I receive PMs from people who tell me they are struggling for connection in their daily lives. I hear a lot of the same sorts of things: they crave intimacy, they crave connection, love, and belonging. This is human. It is human of us to want to attach and bond with others. That is really what life is all about. Life isn't about being the best at something, having a job title, or owning stuff. Connection and interpersonal relationships are what enrich your life.
Whenever I get these PMs I am touched that I'm able to do something- offer some sort of help to anyone who struggles with feeling connection or love. I do not hide the fact that I am a sensitive person. I feel things very deeply. I am an empath. My Myers-Briggs type is supposed to be rare and misunderstood. I'll read all sorts of things about who I am supposed to be and all of them explain how someone like me - this box I've been put into - is such a "loner" type. I agree and disagree in many ways. For one, sure- I've never felt like I quite "fit in." I was bullied in my younger years for not being part of the "cool" crowd, then bullied for being good at art, then bullied when a guy liked me instead of a girl who I thought was a friend. Children can be vicious. And so can adults.
You will grow up learning that "mean girls" and "bullies" never really leave your life. They just get older and learn new tricks. What you have to realize is that you ultimately can decide how you let them affect you. I work with some very challenging people who, well...do not like me. I am not a person who will brown-nose and ass kiss to get ahead. I would rather roll over and die than pretend to be someone I'm not. It's soul-sucking and exhausting and I would rather be seen as "weird" and authentic than fit in with people whom I dislike. I also grew up in a very challenging family. My mother is extremely narcissistic and it took me years of re-parenting myself, working off the damage she had done. When I don't behave the way she wants me to, she attacks me because she can't control me. I've learned I cannot feed her.
You will face very hard life challenges. You will struggle and want to connect. Perhaps you were like me and had a parent who just can't quite love you, and you so desperately cling to those around you wanting to be loved. The thing I've learned is that you are loved, you just need to look around. But first, you must love yourself. Embrace yourself and your flaws, wholeheartedly. I am a person who can be very hard on myself- I am very critical. So for that reason, I take criticism toughly. Do I like it about myself? No, because it makes me imperfect. But really, who is perfect?
Here's the trick I want to share with you- those who have told me you're getting out of relationships and feel sexually numbed, struggle to connect, or are painfully shy. Love yourself first. Surround yourself with those who see your worth second. You cannot have the latter if you do not have the first. But realize that time and again you are going to find people you want so badly to see your worth who do not and will not. The thing is, you need to realize this isn't a failure on your part. It simply isn't meant to be. And this is part of life. It's messy and it's tough, but it's also beautiful. You will form connections. You will lose connections. You will love. You will lose. You will hurt. But that also means that you are alive. Allow yourself to feel it.
Sometimes I never really think I'd be able to write what I do here and outside of Reddit if I hadn't struggled and felt this sort of pain or had these experiences. These things make you vulnerable but they also make you tough and wise. To carry on, you must allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to hurt, love, and lose.
Love yourself first. Surround yourself with people who see your worth second. F*ck the rest.
Comments
Thank you for reposting this, Belle. I've felt/known I was an empath for a while, but I don't like telling people around me because I've been accused of being oversensitive by my family since I was a kid, and telling them about empaths just feels like a way for them to "tease" me about something else. I desperately wish the situation was different but seeing such an affirming post that I can relate to like this is still comforting to me.
Tilimo
Thank you so much for sharing this post Belle. What you wrote about loving yourself hit really hard. I have a very positive mindset and I really feel blessed for thag. On the other hand, I struggle with feeling proud. Being proud. A lot of things feel like: there are so many people who did this, why should I feel proud? This goes hand in hand with having difficulties to love myself. I know I should, but at more times than I would love to admit it feels like lying to myself. Because I am quite self aware, this feeling of lying to myself (that I should love myself at take my flaws as they are) fights with my self love. The “I am a person who can be very hard on myself, I am very critical. So for that reason, I take criticism toughly” hit even harden. Because others see me as someone who isn’t able to get mad, which is true for the most part. But those people don’t attack me personally, because they are my friends and family. Because when it gets personal, I do struggle…. To this day I hate that feeling. But the fact that people attack me on things related to my personality , things that I try to work on so very hard. It stings so much when they give you the feeling as if I am fine with the lesser sides of my personality. As if I don’t put effort into it or don’t care. I now understand much more why I react the way I react. Because I am hard on myself, not waning to hurt anyone and thus every time when I make someone feel bad, I mentally punish myself. And thus the criticism of others saying I don’t care hit so much, because it gives me the feeling that I didn’t try enough. Still wasn’t critical enough. Thank you for making me realize this and if you read the whole assay (;p), thank you for taking the time to do so ^^
