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Connecting with my local scene took me forever. I'm so glad I finally did it.
🕑 Added 2024-01-05 16:47:39 +0000 UTCAs a young adult, I struggled with developing my sex positivity. Many of us do. Let's face it: most of us grow up with terrible support around sex, pleasure, consent and communication.
I grew up queer, and realized I was non-monogamous in high school. (Kink came soon after.) Trying to figure this out as a Catholic school student during the Reagan/ Bush years was . . . not easy. I became very at home in the queer books section of my local public library, and tried to figure it all out on my own.
My journals from young adulthood are filled with one phrase, over and over: "I will be sex positive by the year 2000." As if I could just write out that mantra (and read a lot of Annie Sprinkle, Susie Bright, and On Our Backs) and it would all work out.
Because of my own internalized fears, I took years before connecting with the public BDSM scene. Years of making it up on my own. Years of taking the word of the dominants I found on my own rather than cultivating my own desire and will.
If I had one thing to do over in the world of kink, I'd have connected with the public BDSM scene sooner.
Connecting with the world of kink isn't (just) about finding potential play partners. It's about building a group of friends and co-adventurers who can see you as you are. It's about finding reputable information from folks with lived experience. It's about having people to celebrate your wins and commiserate with you when things are rough.
Some might even say it's about creating a sense of community, or leather family.
In many ways, I teach now in order to help people be a little less scared than I was. I'd have been safer and happier if I'd connected with my local scene sooner.
If you're looking to explore, and intimidated, a few tips.
- We're all just nerds. I'm serious. You know how nerds have a special hobby that they really just want to share all the details and gear with anyone who will listen? Ask a whip enthusiast about single-tails sometime.
- Most of us started out scared, too. Maybe we still are sometimes. That accomplished rope performer you see doing self-suspension? They still get butterflies in their stomach before going out on stage. And that's okay!
- Enthusiastic consent is paramount. In a good class / party / venue, you'll never "have" to do anything. Watching is ok. Hanging out is ok. Saying no is ok. Good players and good organizations will respect your boundaries.
- There is no one right and only way. If you are new to kink, you'll attract folks that want to impress you talking about The Old Guard, or various Leather Tenets, or their various rules for D/s. You know what? Maybe those are important . . . to them. And we should respect that. But you? You get to find your own way. You get to be your own authority. There are many right ways to do kink, and only a very few wrong ones.
- Every single one of us has things we prefer, and things we won't do. As you explore the world of kink, you'll find things you are definitely attracted to, things you're puzzled by, and things that you're definitely turned off by. That is completely normal. Hard limits are a sign that you're listening to yourself, your wants and your needs. Our goal is not to "outgrow" them, but honor them. (Some of my personal hard limits are medical play, piercing, and . . . cuddle parties. Hard no on the cuddle parties.)
I'm not going to tell you that every single space out there is safe. Pretty much anyone can put out a listing on FetLife for an event, so vetting for trustworthy educators, social event leaders and party hosts is important. But it can be done -- not just where I'm blessed with a zillion resources here in SF, but almost anywhere.
If we can do anything to help you connect with your scene (or yourself!), please reach out. I'm still paying it forward to my younger self.
xoxo
Mir
PS: If you're in the SF Bay Area and you'd like help connecting with our local scene, I'll be teaching Welcome to the SF Kink Scene for Wicked Grounds tomorrow (Saturday, 1/6) at noon downtown. We also teach an online/ national version of this class every six months or so, so keep your eye on our classes if you're interested in that.
PPS: Ironically, I taught last year for the exact same Arizona group I was terrified to attend the classes of in the last 90s. They were all lovely, and I wish I'd have connected way back then! If you're in Arizona, check them out!
Miriam Green is a BDSM educator and kink-centered personal coach in San Francisco. A lifelong queer kinkster, they have been part of the public BDSM scene since 2006 and teaching kink since 2014, when they became the owner of Wicked Grounds.
