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TGIF: Tough Week, Trash TV, and Turning a Corner
🕑 Added 2023-10-27 21:21:09 +0000 UTCHello and happy Friday, patrons! Woof, what a whirlwind week of marinating in absolute ick. This has been a tough round, not going to lie, and a few breakdowns were had, but I finally feel like I’m crawling into the light again. Phew. But that’s how they always go. The issue is that the amnesia/fog helps me forget the worst of times when they’re over, but it also keeps me from remembering that the worst of times will eventually end when I’m in it. What a catch! But we are finally feeling like a semi-human again and it feels incredible. Knock on wood this good wave continues. If there’s one thing I learn again and again in this process it’s that you can’t expect the expected. I don’t want to say I’ve learned to “expect the unexpected” because that feels like I could be karmically encouraging the curveballs. But I guess I had some light thoughts that this round might be a little easier than it has been since we reduced some of the medication. And it was easier in a lot of ways. I haven’t gone to the emergency room! Huzzah! But the fatigue and nausea and general icky hungover feeling have been strong the last week and a half. I became a cancer patient-college student hybrid. I laid on my couch for days at a time and I smoked a lot of weed and I watched a lot of TV. Party!
Let’s see, I watched:
-the new season of Selling the OC
-the new season of Glow Up
-the first three episodes of the new season of 90 Day Fiancé
-the latest season of 90 Day Fiancé the Other Way
-every new episode of reality program offered by Bravo
-a shit ton of YouTube vlogs
Yes, Elliott did ask multiple times if I maaaaaybe wanted to watch something other than reality TV. Maaaaaaybe something that might stimulate my brain a little? Maybe even a book?
The answer was a hard no.
I just needed noise that I could dip in and out of attention with. Like a weird little waltz with trash TV and my brain. I shouldn’t say it’s trash. Although some of the scenarios they’re getting up to on the 90 Day franchise are WILD. We got misogyny, toxic masculinity, and gaslighting flying all over the place over there! Oh my!
Also did you guys know people are out here uploading 45 min to hour long VLOGS on YouTube?? You probably knew that. But I didn’t. And it blew my mind. I thought posting a 20 minute video was like posting a full length Lord of the Rings film. But there I was watching 45 min vlog about shopping and eating after 45 min vlog about decorating and shopping. It was actually kinda nice. I haven’t watched YouTube videos in yeeeeears. I think the intense burnout I’ve slowly gone through the last few years from decade long posting made YouTube seem like a toxic ex boyfriend that I had a horrible breakup with. I didn’t want to see that platform or anyone associated with it. But time heals all wounds. And in feeling more comfortable posting over there the last couple months I started to see video suggestions from people I’ve known for years. So I started watching old friends, like Louise Pentland and Gigi Gorgeous, who I haven’t seen or talked to in forever and I just let my little parasocial relationships flourish as I one-sidedly caught up with what’s going on in their lives through their almost hour long videos. It made me think oh right, I remember why I used to watch hours of YouTube. It’s intimate and easy. And it’s a nostalgia time warp to see creators I came up with back in the day still doing their thing. Maybe it feels weird (everything feels weird) but I was genuinely so excited to see them still wearing the badge of creator proudly and still doing it authentically themselves. It was really encouraging in an unexpected way. So, I guess I’m back into YouTube now. *weak thumbs up*
Which is weirdly full circle in a different way. Over the years I’ve received messages from people thanking me for content because it got them through really tough times when they were sick. And I never really knew how to respond because I never felt like I was doing anything special. But now I’m sick and I’m so thankful for this content! I get it now! It really is comforting in a time that seems endlessly uncomfortable. It all makes sense! Lol. It also gives me an extra boost in motivation and drive to continue content creating … when it feels right and when I feel right.
And I’m starting to have a lot of thoughts about what feels right and what I want to do. Big and small.
There’s an interesting dichotomy at play. This season of sickness brings the necessity to keep things simple. Eat simple food that works with your system, find simple programing that entertains and passes the time, keep your activity levels simple don’t overdo it, simply lay on your couch and simply smoke your weed. And at the same time, because you’re stuck rolling down the hill of your body’s continuous decline, it confronts you with your own mortality and the profundity of your life. There’s so much life to live after this, how do I want to live my life? What’s my purpose? How am I aligned or unaligned with that? What’s meaningful to me? Who’s meaningful to me? Sorry y’all, I told you I was smoking a lot of weed this week. But wowzers do your thoughts run rampant about what matters and what doesn’t when you’re stuck on a couch with a broken body for a few days.
To be honest I've been asking myself about my purpose for the last few years, but only now am I starting to feel more confident in my answer. When you can't do anything I guess it makes it easier to identify the things you desire, miss, or wish you could do. I dunno, I'm still thinking all of this over. And these are just the thoughts from inside the sickness, I'm still months away from actually being able to reflect on and understand this experience. Oh boy. So anyway that’s where I’m at. 🙃 Tough week but we're turning a corner and hopefully keeping this momentum going. It always feels good to get some stream of consciousness thoughts out over here. How are you doing? Anyone else confronting their own mortality and trying to clarify their life's purpose while shoveling hours of shit TV into their brain? Hmmmmm? Welp, I'm reaching my afternoon fatigue so I'll leave it there. It's almost weed smoking time and Elliott and I only have two more Harry Potter movies left to watch. We just finished the Half Blood Prince the other night and I'll tell you what...Ginny Weasly GETS WHAT SHE WANTS. I don't remember her being such a VIXEN??? Damn! Get it girl. Okay, time to go. Have great weekends! And thanks, as always, for being here! 💚G
Comments
here here!
thank you for joining the bathroom explosion club!
Jon M
Finding and following the Simple is sometimes more than enough. Thanks as always for the updates and here’s to feeing better.
I'm so sorry this round has been shitty. You're doing exactly what needs doing - paying attention when your body and mind and heart say yes/no/not yet to something. (Wish it hadn't taken that little bitchass tumor to make that happen, but yanno. Beggars, choosers, etc.) I've had covid for the past week, so I feel like I'm doing a super small scale version of what you're doing as far as listening to your body under duress. My workaholic ass does not enjoy being told by a lil protein-covered scumbag to sit down and shut up for a few days, and surrendering when my body exercises veto power over certain activities - standing up, talking, eating solid food - is humbling as hell. (Semi-related: The other day I was hurling with pee running down both legs and thought of you and your C. diff adventure and felt a little less alone :D) I feel like you're actively renaissancing and I feel like you have been for a while. This is another step on that journey. I don't know where it's going, but I'm excited to be on the train with you. Take care of you, Helbig! <3
