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Headaches Draft/Outline 1
🕑 Added 2019-09-16 22:19:44 +0000 UTC
*slaps first draft on the table*
Alright so this is gonna need some tweaking and fine-tuning, but it's general how I want the story to go. As always, feedback and critique is greatly appreciated!
This is the rough outline for Headaches, the next chapter in our story. It follows Detective Pandora and Snare.
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Twilight was worried. Fluttershy wasn't waking up.
Within the Everfree Forest, a cache of drained crystal husks had been found. Fluttershy's family and animals, being too close to the Everfree for comfort, had been swiftly evacuated, placed under Twilight's direct protection, while Discord patrolled the library's parameter, checking the wards, conferring with the animal sentries.
Twilight didn't remember the last time she'd gotten a full night of sleep.
This puzzle contained a hundred pieces, but none of them fit together. Her scans yielded no information. They had no leads.
"Mom!"
Twilight startles. "Panny?" She breathes a sigh of relief, then gets angry. "Why haven't you answered any of my summons? Don't you know what happened to Fluttershy? To Midnight? There's a curfew in effect for a reason, there's a dangerous criminal out there-"
"I know, mom." Pan holds up paws to placate. "I've been investigating."
"Investigating....? Pandora, this isn't a matter of dressing up and playing detective. This is serious. There's been a new victim. We believe Fluttershy only barely escaped with her life."
"Auntie Shy?" Pan looks down at sleeping pegasus, covers mouth with paw in shock. "....Oh no. I didn't figure....I didn't think he'd go after one of you so early."
"He?" Twi's ears fold. "Who are you talking about?"
Pan's face became grim. "Moondancer."
Twilight jerked, then surged forward to slap her wing over Pan's mouth. "Keep your voice low." She hissed. Her ears flicked to the door, where Starlight Glimmer's voice could be heard, weaving with Sunset's in low, weary conversation. "There are many here who would take any scrap of info and go crashing right into the fray, reckless for revenge. Discord has been on edge as well, but I can't have him or Midnight's mothers muddying the waters with some emotionally charged attack. We've got to have a plan." Twilight pressed her feathers against Pan's muzzle, emphasizing the last word. "Everypony is looking to me now. I will not risk any more lives on some hunch, Pandora." The alicorn's eyes grew hard. "Accusations are very dangerous to throw around right now, Panny. So I'll ask you once, and only once- are you sure?"
"I have a witness, mom." Pan whispers, struggling a little in Twilight's hold. "Bertram."
"The corpse?" Twilight snaps. "A testimony of grunts and mumbles doesn't count, Panny. Betram has the intelligence of a border collie."
"I assure you, Bertram is as articulate as a law student. I granted him sapience."
"You did what?" Twilight's jaw drops. "Pandora Eris Sparkle, that's-"
"Yeah, I know, a direct violation of Ethics in Magic Code 87." Pan scowls. "And you can be as mad as you want at me later, promise. But right now, I've gotten us the only substantial piece of information we have. Better than scrambling in the dark, right? Now we only have to do something about it."
".....But it doesn't make any sense, Panny. Why would Moondancer go after innocent ponies? How could he? A pony can't steal magic."
"That stumped me too- but fortunately for us, Cupcake's the only pony in Ponyville that ever paid attention to Maud's geology lectures." Pan snapped her claws, and manifested a glittering piece of crystal. "Now what we have here is-"
"Umbrage quartz." Twilight interrupted. "It seems I've been ahead of your investigation for days now. We've known from our first magic scans that Midnight- and now the others- have had their bodies turned to quartz."
Pandora gave a sour look, annoyed at having been interrupted. She steepled her paws together. "And where is umbrage quartz typically found, Mother?"
"The frozen North. We know from records that Queen Amore, the lost Crystal Empress, was transformed into that very same crystal, before her body was shattered and the pieces scattered to the winds." Twilight rubbed at her temples. "....Panny, sweetheart, I know where you're going with this, and I hate to dash your hopes, but...yes. We made the same connection you did.....but King Sombra has nothing to do with this."
Pan looked crestfallen. "....What? But.....but how do you know?"
"Cadence has had him under careful, covert observation since we first learned of the crystal connection to Amore. Wards were placed to monitor any and all magic use from his vicinity. Sombra is being watched- I receive a report from Flash Sentry and his guards every hour on the hour. But as ponies continued to go missing, Sombra did not leave his mountainside home, not once."
".....No, that doesn't make any sense." Pan frowned. "Moony can't.....Moony couldn't have just up and decided to start plundering souls on his own, not without the influence of some serious dark magic. Did anypony think to knock on Sombra's front door and actually talk to him? Yo, King Sombrero, noticed anything weirdly sinister goin' on?"
Twilight glared, insulted. "....Sombra is neutral to ponykind at best, Panny. He and Tirek have made it very clear they are not to be disturbed. Our truce with them is already uneasy- we don't want to violate the terms of our agreement, not without necessity- and I'm afraid barging into their home spewing accusations may not serve us well at staying in their good favor."
"Good favor?" Pan echoed, incredulous. "Mom, when Tirek threatened Ponyville, you broke his jaw."
"Focus, Pandora. We're going after a criminal. We don't need to involve former ones." Twilight sighed. "....I'm working on a serum that I think will bring Fluttershy back to consciousness. As soon as she's up and decently recovered, we'll arrest Moondancer."
"Oh, of course, I nearly forgot- friendship is magic and all that. Is that your plan? Prance into his little lair and lead him out in hoofcuffs? What're you gonna do if he resists, Mom? Give him a lecture on ethics? Sing a song about rainbows?"
"Pandora. That isn't helpful." Twilight growls, "...If he resists, we will have no choice but to use the elements of harmony. He may need to be turned to stone, or otherwise incapacitated, until we can figure out what to do with him."
"Solid plan." Pan nodded. "But his little attack on Fluttershy has me thinking- I'll bet he's already figured that he doesn't need to disable all of you to nullify the elements. One is enough."
"He won't get the chance." Twilight said firmly.
"Oh, sure, sure, the odds are in your favor, mom. There's six of you and only one of him." Pan hovered in place, watching her mother like a cat. "But Moondancer only has to get lucky once."
"Pandora-"
"You were our teacher, mom. You taught us about Equestria's enemies of the past. All of them, even Dad, made the exact same error- underestimating you little ponies. And Moony's already made that mistake, but who's to say he'll make it again?" Pan mused, "If he's already come to terms with stealing souls, with scheming to take down Fluttershy- who's to say he hasn't come to terms with needing to kill? When you go to fight him, how do you know he won't send a beam of magic right through one of your little hearts?" She tapped a claw to Twilight's chest, letting the point sink in.
"....You don't know that." Twilight said at last. "....Moondancer is a pony. Just a pony. Trixie's son."
"Luna was just a pony too, Mom- and she tried to kill her sister, subject Equestria to an endless night. Sunset Shimmer was just a pony, and she tried to kill you." Pan rubbed her chin thoughtfully. ...My. Seems you ponies are awfully good at underestimating your capacity for evil."
"That's different!" Twilight insisted. "They were under corrupting influences- in Luna's case, the Nightmare, poisoning her mind, amplifying her jealousy- and in Sunset's case, the demon she became- it was a manifestation of her own greed and ambition- a monster outside her control-"
"Gotcha." Pan's face split into a cheshire smile. "We therefore have to conclude that Moondancer, poor, dumb, misguided little lamb that he is- is also under some evil, seriously whacked-out bad juju. If Sombra did the same to Queen Amore, I bet he knows how to reverse it. If Moony's under the influence of dark magic, who better to talk to than the original king of shadows?"
"Panny, I know you want to help your friend, but-"
"Duh!" Pan yanked at her own ears, groaning in frustration. "Moondancer is my mess, Mom. He's a jealous, bitter little twerp, but he's my jealous, bitter little twerp, and no matter how much he loathes me, I know he'd never hurt a fly. He's just....not well." Pan smiled, a little strained. "He has to be."
Twilight glanced at where Fluttershy lay, unmoving, her body bruised and muddied. She frowned. "....Pandora-"
"I'll go." Pandora pressed her paw to her chest. "To the mountainside of the Crystal Empire. I'll go talk to Sombra. You need time to get Fluttershy back up on her hooves, and it's not like Dad's willing to do anything more than watch her perimeter like a guard dog. Nopony else has gone missing since Fluttershy, right? Moony's lying low, if he knows what's good for him. Let me go, mom." Pan smiled reassuringly. "We've got nothing to lose."
Twilight regarded her daughter for a long moment. "I have everything to lose." She said quietly. "As a princess of Equestria, I have to take necessary precautions to ensure everyone's safety. Pandora, you are to remain here, in the library. Nopony is allowed out until Moondancer is captured."
Pan flinched. "....You don't think I can do it."
"Do you want my honest answer? No. No I don't." Twilight rubbed at the bridge of her snout, lip curling in frustration. "Pandora, this isn't a game. You can't swoop in and play hero. Moondancer has threatened the ponies under my protection- Midnight, Fluttershy, and now, potentially, you. This isn't a matter of who gets to play the hero, and who gets to play the villain. Moondancer is dangerous monster, and he must be stopped. I will be the one to put an end to this."
Pan's face had grown dark. She surged forward, shoving her snout to her mother's. "Where would Luna be right now, if Celestia hadn't believed there was still a good pony buried down deep under the Nightmare? How about your precious gal pal, Sunset Shimmer? What about when the Nightmare forces snagged Miss Rarity? Where would Dad be if nopony believed he had the capacity to be better?"
"Pandora Eris Sparkle, this is not about you-!"
"Yes, it is!" Pan looked down at her paws, watched the way black claws curled outward with every flex of her digits. "...I know a thing or two about being a monster, Mom. And I know they aren't always what they seem."
"You're not a monster, Pandora." Twilight said tiredly. "I told you, you could be a true princess, if you'd only find the courage to stop running away when things get too-"
"I'm going." Pan said abruptly. "To find Sombra- to save Moony. I'm taking Cupcake." She sent a glare over her shoulder. "Don't bother trying to stop us." Pan let her paws glow in warning, but it was uncertain. She wasn't sure she could take her mother in full combat.
"....I won't."
Pandora blinked. Her mother's voice sounded small, as though somepony had stepped on it. She turned, and for the first time, saw her mother not as Princess Twilight Sparkle, perfect princess and mare extraordinaire, but....just a mare. Twilight's wings were drooping, her mane a rat's nest, and her eyes were exhausted, rimmed with dark circles- though now, they held a curious wet sheen. "Just......just be safe, okay?" Twilight swallowed. "Please."
Pan's anger flickered and died. She hesitated for a moment- before moving forward to curl her body around her mother, in a way she hadn't done since she was a cub. "....We will." Twilight brought her wings around Pan's body, holding her close. "You don't need to prove anything." Twilight murmured. "I already love you, Panny. You're my daughter."
Something about her words made Pan's eyes prick, and she pulled away, suppressing a sniffle. "Hey, uh- don't worry so much, okay? It's not a good look on you, old mare." Pan joked nervously. Twilight tried for a smile, but it didn't quite touch her eyes.
As she readied to teleport, Pan grasped for the right thing to say. "...I mean it." She fumbled with paw, playing listlessly with her chest ruff- before she noticed the star on her chest. "We're Sparkles, Mom." She tapped her star, and it glimmered, ever so faintly. "You and me? We got this."
Twilight smiled again, a little less sad, a little more sure- and it was the last thing Pandora saw before she teleported.
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The journey had been long and perilous. There had been screaming wind, pelting hail, even prowling windigoes. Pandora had been ready for all of that. But nothing had prepared her for this- being handed a mug of hot cocoa, sweet-smelling and inviting, save for the fistful of glitter that'd been dumped inside. Cupcake peered into her own mug, which had a small plastic dinosaur floating inside.
"It's perfect, Luci, thank you." Pan sipped politely from her mug.
Luci beamed, all four of her eyes crinkling with childish glee. "Yay!" And she leaned forward, whispering conspiratorially behind her cloven hoof. "The secret ingredient is crayons."
Oh god. Pan gagged on a bit of half-melted wax. Cupcake discreetly tossed the content of her mug into the fireplace.
"Lucifer." Tirek chided. "Don't shout. Your father has a headache."
"M' sorry." Luci's over-sized ears drooped, genuinely apologetic. She trotted quietly over to where Sombra lay, booping her tiny snout to his. "D'you feel better, Daddy?"
Sombra lifted his head and managed a weak smile, before sagging back to rest against Tirek's hip. Tirek heaved a frustrated snort, brushing rough claws through ink-black hair. "The Shadow King has been afflicted with crippling headaches for many moons. None of your puny equine medicines have done a thing to alleviate his suffering." He glared at both house guests.
"Um, sorry about that." Pan fiddled awkwardly with her paws. "I get that maybe now isn't the best time to ask for a favor, but we have a friend who's been turning ponies to crystal." She looked to Cupcake, who nodded. "....Would you know anything about that? Can you help us?"
Sombra cringed, wincing at some phantom pain. ".....I see." He spoke, with a voice like gravel grinding to dust. ".....It is as i suspected. Somepony has found my horn. I feel it, like a knife in my head, every time its dark power is used- we are still connected."
"Your horn?" Cupcake frowned, exchanging glances with Pandora. They both looked to Sombra, at the horn that sat healthy and unfractured at the base of his forehead. "Your majesty, your horn is right there."
"My old horn." Sombra hissed. "It was blasted off when Queen Cadence weaponized that infernal crystal heart against me. When I managed to tear myself free from the ether, I presumed my horn lost to the elements."
"If that's true, how do you have a new horn? Unicorn horns don't grow back." Pan asked bluntly, then stilled in the face of Tirek's sharp glare.
"Perhaps not unicorn horns." Tirek growled. "But Sombra is an Umbrum, a creature manifest from shadow. He is not bound to the limitations of your feeble pony bodies."
"Even so." Sombra said. "If my horn has been found, it will poison anypony who attempts to use it."
"Now when you say 'poison'-" Pan wrung her paws, "Do you mean poison their mind? Make them go a little, ah, blood-thirsty and power-hungry? Do things they normally wouldn't?"
"Yes." Sombra agreed. "....And also kill them."
Both Pan and Cupcake startled. "What?"
"Dark magic is poison, even to the most competent of mages. It grants power beyond power, yes, but at great cost. The addictive, dark pleasure seeps in slowly, eats at you, until you can think of nothing else but the next dose, the next soul you can snare to feed your hunger, to delay the side effects, to slow the black bile that begins to taint your blood. Your friend is almost certainly going to die." Sombra chuckled, a dark, quiet rasp.
Pandora surged to her hooves. "W-wait, you've got to help us then! We have to save him, save everybody!"
"And why should we care about the plight of mortals, she-draconequus?" Tirek drawled. "It's true that we owe our salvation to your father, to the patience of Queen Cadence- but we are under no obligation to step in and intervene when one of you ponies plays around in forces beyond your comprehension. The terms of our release were quite clear. We commit no evil- but we are not bound to stop any evil."
Pandora panicked, beginning to snake desperately through the air. "You- you can't just sit by and do nothing! Ponies are dying! The safety of countless creatures is in danger! You have to help! Because it's the right thing to do! Because we need you! Because- because this would prove to ponies you're not monsters!"
"We need not prove anything, she-draconequus." Tirek snorted into her face. "To anyone."
"Consider this." Cupcake sipped calmly from her mug. "....If you help us catch our friend, the headaches would stop."
Tirek paused, then glanced down at Sombra.
"That's right!" Pan shot a grateful look at her best friend. "And.....and think of the stolen glory!" She gasped dramatically. "Moondancer's stealing your whole 'Shadow King' shtick! When ponies think of the Almighty Crystal Tyrant, the Great Plunderer of Souls, King of Darkness- is it really Moony's name you want them to remember? Some scrawny unicorn nerd?"
"They wouldn't dare." Sombra growled. His eyes began to glow a sickly green, with wisps of smoke curling at the corners. "I am the original Shadow King."
"Then prove it." Cupcake challenged. "Come with us. Get your horn back."
"Get your title back." Pan pressed.
With a snarl, Sombra stood to his hooves. Tirek watched him carefully, reaching out a concerned hand. "Sombra, are you certain-"
"I have strength enough for this." Sombra rumbled. In his determination, he'd shrugged off his sickly grey veneer, and he now stood tall, black mane billowing with unseen dark power. "I will purge the darkness from their friend and remind him of his true place- feeble and pathetic among the smiling, saccharine little ponies. I will restore the balance."
In the background, the she-draconequus was enthusiastically hugging her dull little earth pony friend. Sombra disregarded the obnoxious show of affection, turning instead to regard his family. To Luci, he afforded exactly one indulgent nuzzle, and to Tirek, he sent a fond, reassuring look.
"There are none who understand the shadow magic more than I, love." Sombra was already turning to go, but managed one last smirk for his centaur partner- one that Tirek whole-heartedly returned.
"Everything will be returned to its proper place soon enough."
Comments
Lopoddity
Gotcha. This is just the first draft, I plan on fluffing up the story as needed. I'm aware the villains change their minds too quickly, I was concerned about this chapter being too long, since it contains two separate scenes. I will definitely expand on the villains, and maybe add more obvious stress to Twilight's dialogue.
Kyri Arriaga
Also, I felt like Tirek would have said more about her husband leaving, as a strong SO to the Shadow King. Another reader mentioned that Sombra would have only made this decision for his own ego. I think the characterization would come across stronger for both characters if Tirek brought up the argument's hole, and Sombra made the excuse that "there's only one way to ensure this job gets done," or something to that effect.
Kyri Arriaga
"Some scrawny unicorn nerd?" 👏👏👏 Sombra reminds me--after Scar, of course--of the grandpa in Willy Wonka that got out of bed to go see the Chocolate Factory.
Dragon Turtle
I think that difference is meant to represent how Twilight's had plenty of practice leading the populace as royalty. Also that at this point, Pandora's perceived antics don't phase her. She's past the point of letting Pandora fluster or anger her, and is just waiting for her daughter to just grow up already. I actually really like the aspect of tough love, which some might see as callous, on display here as Twilight also has to balance her duty to the greater good.
D
Also, feel free to disagree, because I can’t put a finger on “why” myself, but this writing doesn’t really sound like Twilight? I don’t know, I feel like it could be tweaked to sound a bit more like her. It just seems a little too... basic. Like maybe it could be a touch more neurotic? Or like she’s thinking out loud more? Not sure how to put it
D
I do think this could be better paced. More atmosphere to each scene, more description, more subtle transitions between emotional shifts (Twilight and Sombra both seem to change their minds really quick. I know they don’t, but that’s how it reads)
Lopoddity
Oh sure, I'd love that, thanks!
cactus bastrop
i genuinely enjoy editing things, would you be interested if i marked up some stuff in a document regarding pacing/proofing? obviously you wouldn't have to take any of my tips, but it's something i would be happy to do! as usual, lovely writing and i'm so excited about where the story is going. i can't wait to see what you have in store for us next!
SmilesPerHour
Honestly, this is my favorite chapter of the 'series' thus far. The stakes and drama are perfectly clear, the story runs smoothly, and you avoided the old cliche of kids warning the disbelieving parents of the impending danger. Twilight and the others are aware of this threat, taking it seriously, and Twilight even trusts Pandora to do what she thinks is right. They all have their plans, and it looks like they just might work... assuming the rug isn't pulled out from under us at the last minute. Initially, I was going to mention that it was a bit silly for Sombra to agree to this venture on the grounds of his title being besmirched, but upon further reflection, I think he did have a bit of an ego when we last saw him, so it's not wholly unrealistic to assume that he'd react like this when he hears that Moondancer is cutting in on his territory. Honestly, I'm kind of intrigued to see where the story progresses from here, and what it might mean for Pandora, Moondancer and the rest of Equestria. I just hope that if it comes down to it, Pandora isn't afraid to... put down her old friend for the sake of Equestria. Also, I nearly fell out of my chair when I heard Pandora mention Luci. I was afraid you'd forgotten about your little hellspawn princess!
Dragon Turtle
Maybe Starlight didn't come up in this context because in the context of 'monster,' she isn't a non-standard, non-pony species, and never got transformed into anything else? I think it's intentional on Lopoddity's part.
Lopoddity
Good tip, thanks!
Angsty Ram
Seems weird for Pandora not to mention Starlight in her rant. Considering Starlight didn’t turn into a demon or nightmare, she was just herself. Like, why wasn’t that picked up? She made a cult on her own accord
QuietZen
Interesting that Panny brought up Luna and Sunset, but not Starlight. In my opinion Starlight was the worst especially considering that she really doesn't comprehend the extent of what she did. Also, I think Sombra would point out that Mooney dying would rid him of the headaches and that it was really the stolen glory that goaded him to action. Beautiful work though! Can't wait to see what you do next!
Dragon Turtle
It makes total sense that Pandora would think of going to Sombra for his expertise, but I was still really surprised. Just because I didn't think he, Tirek and Luci were still canon, since Tirek's Tumblr ended, and these three haven't had anything to do with the Pandoraverse story. Also, the subject of continuity, are Celestia and Chrysalis married at this point? It just seems odd that while they're discussing the nature of 'monsters,' they wouldn't bring Chrysalis up of all, considering she's Pan's great-aunt (or something; would Celestia be her great-aunt?). Interesting how you wrote off Sunset's actions as demonic influence, since she seemed like an ass before that point with how she treated people, and put Equestria in danger by stealing Twilight's Element. Although, maybe she didn't KNOW the danger from doing that? But she DID know about it's location and power... Forget it, the logistics of that first movie made no sense. One detail I noticed is how Pandora uses the term "anypony," even though she explicitly states she's not one. Spike used to use that term in the show, but it made total sense, since he was always surrounded by ponies, and really saw himself as one for so long in his developmental years. But Pandora had a LOT of non-pony family members and friends, and this is further into the future when the modern vernacular has been changed to "everycreature" and such to reflect the influx of nonpony individuals to Equestria. So is this a purposeful statement on how Pandora sees herself? Is she actively choosing this word to refer to Twilight and her friends, seperating herself? Or was that just a word you wrote out of habit?
Amanda LeCaur
But other than that, amazing as usual! I especially enjoyed the characterization of Sombra, and how eff the kid IM THE SHADOW KING and I missed Lucy 😭
Amanda LeCaur
Maybe insert a small transition before “...I won’t.”? Something like “Twilight bristled against the wall of her daughters determination, ready to hurl logical treatises about why Pandora shouldn’t be the one to swoop in, why her daughter shouldn’t be the one in danger, why her baby...shouldn't suddenly be blurring into two Pandoras. Her wings dropped as she drew in a resigned sigh. “...I won’t.”
Lopoddity
Both, though I'd prefer feedback on the story itself. Flow, pacing, functionality, whether or not the emotions are leaning to close to melodrama, if the tone is too inconsistent (Pan's chapters should be funnier and less stressful than Moondancer's, while also not undermining the stakes). Also characterization notes are good- are the characters interesting, are they compelling, are their motivations clear (or even over-emphasized). All feedback is appreciated!
Onefoursix Tym
Would you want proofing critique? Or just general flow/pacing feedback?
