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My Better Half (Incomplete Draft)
🕑 Added 2019-11-07 04:00:30 +0000 UTCHowdy, all! I'm sharing the first part of "My Better Half" for feedback and critique. I know the actual writing and transitions right now are clumsy right now, I'd prefer if y'all focused instead on the ideas being presented, what you think of them, and whether or not they work. Luma's a tricky character to nail down. Tell me what you think!
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Magnolia May gave a nervous glance to the wall clock. Her gut churned, like she'd swallowed a whole hive of twittermites.
Magnolia had never been on a real date before. She'd been tickled absolutely pink when Pandora asked to meet up for milkshakes. Their grand romantic affair thus far had been a whirlwind of stolen glances, awkward giggles, walking the other home everyday, both parties desperately trying to look cool and unattached and not desperately excited to trade nervous kisses. Magnolia was especially fond of how Panny held her hooves within her lion paws- always so gently, as though Magnolia were made of glass. To actually go on an official date- what did this make the pair now?
Girlfriends? Actual honest-to-Celestia girlfriends?
Magnolia let out the teeniest giggle, excitedly wiggling her hind hooves. She wondered how her parents would react. Mama Applejack had always scoffed that Panny was a 'wily varmint, like 'er daddy', but Mummy Rarity argued that for all the draconequus' trouble-making, she was perhaps a diamond in the rough, and only needed the right opportunity to shine.
Other ponies just needed to give Panny a chance. Isn't that what generosity is all about? Magnolia mused....then had to brush aside a more exciting thought. Plus if we ever get married, it'd make me a princess! Even if only by technicality. And then I can make a royal decree tellin' Belle Velour to kiss the fattest, most freckled part of my-
A great flash of light- like the birth of a star- suddenly appeared before the unicorn. Magnolia had to shield her eyes, cursing- but she was able to make out a set of limbs, then a great, horned head. The light flickered and faded, settling within the eyes of the entity, which blazed like molten coins. The creature resembled Pandora, but not quite...right. More like Pandora had been tossed into a laundry load with too much bleach.
"A warm welcome to you, Magnolia May." The entity spoke, "Thank you for joining me this evening."
Magnolia squinted. ".....Panny? You, uh.....ya don't really look like yourself today, shug."
"I'd expect not." The creature took a seat next to Magnolia and fixed her with an indulgent smile- at least, Magnolia thought it was a smile. It's lips pulled back over pristine, gleaming fangs, which gave Magnolia the unfortunate impression that the creature might eat her. "Dear Pandora wanted this date to go perfectly. She thus elected to shed herself of her mortal imperfections, eliminating all possibility of accidental explosions or awkward conversation. She does know how you little ponies enjoy your sense of Order-" The creature leaned close, and Magnolia could see her own pale reflection mirrored in it's eyes- "So she pruned away every fragment of Chaos within herself to create me. I am Pandora, cleansed and reborn. I am pure. I am Order." The entity idly tapped it's claws together. "You may call me Luma."
"....Wait." Magnolia blinked, confused. "You just.....scrubbed out all yer mischief-makin' parts? Like they were stains on a carpet? Why?" Magnolia gawked. "How?"
"You needn't concern yourself with magic outside your comprehension, my little unicorn." Luma reached over to pat May's hoof. "As for the why- Why, for you, of course. Pandora quite enjoys your company. Of the entire population of sapient creatures, you are the only one to elevate her heart rate to medically unsound levels. As I said before-" Luma emphasized, as though chiding an inattentive foal, "She wanted this meeting to be perfect. So tell us, our dearest Magnolia- what can we do to make your experience tonight both entertaining and ideal?"
"Uh. You could start by not talking like an agent tryin' to sell me a timeshare, for one." Magnolia frowned.
"Fair enough." Luma hummed. A waitress timidly approached the pair, squinting in Luma's radiance. Magnolia, grateful for a sistraction, lost no time ordering her favorite milkshake. "And whatever rainbow colored concoction tickles the fancy of my draconequus pal, if you please." She added, with a friendly smirk in Luma's direction.
"Vanilla will be fine, thank you." Luma stated plainly, dismissing the waitress with a wave of her paw. Her mouth pulled into an gentle smile, turning her golden eyes upon her partner. "Why don't you tell me about your day, my dear?"
"Oh!" Magnolia brightened at that. "It was a doozy, shug. Today was our big cosmetology final. AKA, Judgement day." Magnolia leaned forward, stomping her hoof against the table dramatically. "And bein' as this was a pass-or-fail class, this final really was the decidin' factor in whether us students were meant for a glamorous lifestyle of makeup artistry among Equestria's elite- or condemned to a fate worse than Tarturus- a lifetime spent smearing cheap lipstick on frumpy mothers at the flea market."
"Oh my!" Luma gasped indulgently. "So how did you fair at this crossroad of destiny?"
"I passed, of course!" Magnolia crowed. "They all doubted me- that snob Belle Velour, and Suri Polomare's witch of a daughter- but my project blew all those other chumps outta the water! And I did it without some hoity-toity rich background, without any fancy Canterlot connections. All it took was grit, spit, and a lil' willingness to use lard when I ran outta mane conditioner! My model had the sleekest, tastiest-smellin' coiffure in the whole class!"
"Well done, Magnolia. You truly are an exceptional little pony." Luma praised warmly, and Magnolia beamed. "So very noble. So remarkably brave."
Magnolia began to grow sheepish at this flood of accolades, and awkwardly rubbed the back of her neck with her hoof. "....Well, gosh, sugarcube, it was just a beauty school test. I dunno if I'd call it particularly brave."
"Oh, but it is!" Luma pressed. "It's inconceivably brave that you can entertain this passion for the beauty arts at all, considering the futility of it all."
The unicorn blinked at her. "...Futility?"
"Naturally." The waittress returned with their drinks, and Luma took a casual sip of her milkshake. "Beauty is entirely ephemeral. It's completely predicated on the ever-changing whims of the very rich little ponies that regulate the fashion industry. Can you keep up with the trends, Magnolia? Will you be able to stay on top, even as newer and younger artists enter the scene? It all seems rather chaotic to me, I'm afraid."
"Um....'course I can!" Magnolia asserted, though her ears slicked back. "I....I won't have to keep track of trends if I'm the one settin' em!"
"Hmm." Luma busied herself flicking out some wayward rainbow sprinkles that'd made it into her shake. "May I ask you a question, my good friend?" Her tail rose through the air like a great serpent, moving to lightly tap Magnolia's flank. "If your passion is beauty artistry- makeup, mane styling, and the like- why is your cutie mark a flower?"
Magnolia flinched. "Uh....um, w-well, maybe it's hard for a non-pony to understand, but cutie marks aren't necessarily literal. I like doing make-up and styling hair! You think that ain't so just 'cause my mark isn't a compact mirror or a....a hair dryer or somethin'?"
She'd risen up to loom over the table, her cheeks flushed and her glare defensive. Luma tilted her head, regarding her with detached curiosity, the way one might observe a crawling insect.
"I mean...." Magnolia's temper buckled a little. "....I like flowers, too. I guess." She admitted, a trace of bitterness coloring her voice. "But it's just.......Nopony that was ever somepony ever got famous from waterin' rose bushes. It's....mundane, you know? My mama Rarity's mark doesn't have anything to do with fashion- her special talent is gem excavation, just like mine is....floristry." Magnolia mumbled, as though the very word carried shame. "But do you see my mother dedicating her life to toiling in some Celestia-forsaken mine? That kinda work ain't for ponies like us! It's for diamond dogs, or-"
"Earth ponies?" Luma suggested, still smiling her thin smile. Magnolia winced.
"No....no...well, I dunno. Maybe?" Magnolia listlessly stirred at her milkshake."I wanna be somebody, shug. I want my name in lights, I wanna stick it those beauty school tramps, I want..." She sighed, then fixed Luma with a plaintive look.
"....When I was a little filly, my mama Jackie rescued a dinky, half-dead little sapling off the farmer's market trash heap. She told me it'd be my job to care for it." She snorted at the memory. "And I complained, of course. Of all the lush, healthy infant trees she could've brought home from market, she saddled me with this one. I did the bare minimum. I watered it once a week, I shoveled a load of fertilizer whenever I remembered. But slowly......those weak, frail little branches started turnin' green. And....well, maybe it sounds silly, but it was like I could feel how grateful that tiny tree was to me."
"You're correct." Luma took another sip of her drink. "That does sound silly."
Magnolia shot the draconequus a glare. "Maybe to you, but I'd never felt anything like it before. Suddenly, I cared about that teeny little tree! I wanted her to be all she could be! I started waterin' her like clockwork, givin' her only the fanciest fertilizer. Mama Jackie showed me how to channel magic into my hooves so I could push it into the tree's roots, encouragin' her to grow. Granny Smith taught me all her kooky farmin' know-how, and soon enough, I was sitting outside with my lil tree every night, wrappin' her in a baby blanket and singing her lullabies."
"How very adorable." Luma mused.
"And I'll tell you somethin'. After countless days and nights of sowin' and diggin' and waterin' and hopin'.....that stupid little tree bloomed. Perfect, pristine magnolia blossoms coverin' each branch like fresh snow! And I tell you, darlin', there ain't....no purer feeling in the world. My mamas and me had a picnic in the shade of that magnolia tree- and Mama Jackie plopped her hat on my head and said I'd done the family proud." Magnolia ducked her hide to hide her smile. "....And that's how I got my cutie mark."
"Yet you disregard the happiness growing flowers brings you because you don't feel it to be a grand enough path in life." Luma pondered. "The work that you love- the same work your mother Applejack does daily- you feel is beneath you."
".....Yes." Magnolia groaned, burying her face in her hooves. "Landsakes, that makes me sound pretty horrible, doesn't it?"
"Oh, not at all!" Luma answered pleasantly. "I think it's simply heroic you've forgone your own happiness to align with equine social norms. What a paragon of order you are, Magnolia! The established social order told you your special talent was banal, so you abandoned it. Well done. The majority of society cannot be wrong, after all. You would only be 'horrible' if you refused to follow the common, correct way of thinking."
Comments
Lopoddity
These are good notes, but I'm not sure what you mean in your last paragraph? Could you please elaborate?
Jennifer Whiteman
The only thing that seems a bit off to me is the use of "Magnolia" twice at the beginning. And perhaps ever so slightly cliche that the tree she cared for was a Magnolia tree? But then again when you think of cutie marks and names, they do happen to be quite similar :) And perhaps make Luma a bit more shallow?If she has goten rid of emotion then I get the feeling she should be just a bit more patronizing. Perhaps similar to how White Diamond was introduced? Not necessarily an AI(Because many AIs in stories now a days are depicted with a good amount of personality) Maybe even make magnolia notice how she sounds(Spoiled and snobby) as she talks about her magnolia tree, leading to Luma noticing it in her voice and pointing out this flaw(Or insecurity) I'd imagine she'd be the type to want to rid creatures of faults in themselves. To be perfect? I mean after all, she did want the date to be perfect.
D
If I didn’t make it clear above^ I do think it would be interesting to not make her smile at all. Almost like any emotion is too irrational for her. I dunno, that’s what appeals to me at least.
D
So, one thing I noticed in your very first description of Luma was that she couldn’t smile, and that she seemed quite like an AI trying to emulate emotion. I think at some point you changed it to where she could smile, but they felt hollow, and something about that felt a little less cool to me. Honestly, I think more roboticness would be awesome, at least playing up how unsettling she is. Perhaps it’s noted that she stares at Magnolia without looking away a little too long, or she doesn’t seem to need to move, or that her tone sounds forced when she expresses praise. The line about her looking at Magnolia with “detached curiosity, like how one might watch an insect” is my favorite line here, more of that, please. I think it would be fascinating to show a character who isn’t just hardly sympathetic, but doesn’t even seem to know or care about what sympathy is. Or maybe I’m trying to go too literal with it! I just think the less she acts “human”, the better. I hope this helps.
SmilesPerHour
I think Luma is presented well here. You certainly nailed the concept of 'order' being strictly black and white, no exceptions or sympathy, with Luma insisting that one's career must adhere strictly to their cutie mark, and how the only acceptable thing is to do what everyone else is doing. I also appreciate Magnolia standing up for herself, insisting that she's allowed to work outside the field of her cutie mark, and especially the heartfelt story about how she got her cutie mark. It opens a whole new avenue to her character; we've seen her down-home country hospitality before, but I can't recall the last time we heard her expound on her passion for fashion and horticulture. Magnolia is certainly starting to grow on me. All in all, well done, Miss Oddity. You've captured the essence of both characters and portrayed them well. I look forward to seeing the results of Eena's involvement in the story.
QuietZen
Oh this is going to be a train wreck. Poor Magnolia! I love the way your characters speak, but perhaps a bit more description in between to really get Luma's oddities across. And Maggie seems to accept Luma really quick, unless she just takes it knowing Pandora. I can't wait to se what happens when the other shoe drops
