lopoddity
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AJ and Cadence (Incomplete Draft)
🕑 Added 2020-05-26 19:01:31 +0000 UTCAyo, publishing this here for feedback and critique! Please share your honest thoughts! It's a shortish drabble but I wanna make sure the emotions are right. To my patrons that are trans, please don't hesitate to tell me if the writing is too hokey or patronizing.
Trigger warning for characters making typical transphobic assumptions and also some misgendering! Sorry Applejack doesn't know how to talk about these things just yet
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"How do we know this ain't a phase?"
Applejack chewed stubbornly on a stalk of wheat. Her question hung in the air.
Cadence smiled politely. "I suppose there's a chance. " She offered, "....Still, it couldn't hurt to indulge your child for a week or so. Call her by whatever pronouns she requests, let her dress however she likes. See where it goes." She laid a hand across Applejack's shoulders, feeling muscles rigid with tension. "....Maybe it is just a phase."
Secretly, Cadence very much doubted it was. She'd sensed the yearning in the young Apple foal's heart, a feeling as pure as it was familiar.
Applejack worked her jaw, avoiding the gaze of the princess. "......And if it ain't?" With a frustrated snort, she stood and began to pace, her heavy hooves trampling the orchard grass. "Landsakes, how would he even know? He's six, for Celestia's sake!"
Cadence was careful to keep her voice calm, as soft and soothing as a lullaby. "Children typically have a very strong sense of self." She said, folding her hands, "I'm sure Twilight can recommend some excellent reading on the subject. I was around the same age myself when I knew."
"A'course." Applejack scoffed. "And I reckon yer folks rolled over like dogs an' letcha wear all the pretty princess ballgowns ya wanted, right? No wonder Equestria's goin' to hell in a handbasket." She rolled her eyes. "Swear to Faust they're buildin' parents without backbones these days-"
"......Funny you mention that." Cadence gave a rueful smile. "I can't actually remember my parents very much at all, Applejack. I'm told they died in an accident, back when I was still very small."
Applejack's eyes went wide, at the same time she sucked down a breath, nearly stumbling over herself to apologize. ".....Oh. Oh, horseapples, princess, I had no idea-" She leapt to lay her hands down on Cadence's shoulders, nearly engulfing them in her palms. "I'm so, so sorry sugarcube. I-I shouldn't have- I'm sorry-"
Cadence covered one of the mare's hands with her own. "Applejack, it's alright-"
"It's not!" Applejack argued. She snatched off her stetson hat, and began to wring it in her hands. "I've been....I'm bein' an awful ass, princess. I don't....I just don't know what's wrong with me lately."
Cadence smiled, soft and patient. "...I do."
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza knew that she was often seen as redundant. An unnecessary addition to a perfect trio of alicorn princesses. Celestia herded the sun across the sky, Luna bathed the land in moonlight, and Twilight preserved the harmony between the Sisters, between all ponies. What use was a pretty pink princess of love?
Ha. If only they knew her true power.
Cadence could see through Applejack as easily as peering into glass. She could sense all the turbulent emotions whirling through the draft pony- doubt, embarrassment, hurt, humility, confusion. But Cadence reached deeper, until she found what she was looking for- a warm, golden, beautiful feeling, as rich and filling as honey.
Storge. Love of a mother for her child.
Cadence could sense it, fierce and maternal, as hard and unwavering as an oak tree......yet polluted by another feeling Cadence knew all too well.
"You're afraid." The crystal princess said simply. Applejack flinched.
Cadence couldn't create love where there wasn't any, but she could amplify existing love. And Applejack had such a deep reserve to draw from. Lighting her horn almost imperceptibly, Cadence fanned the flames of this love. There was an image in Applejack's mind- a tiny golden foal with lavender curls. Applejack had built a wall in her heart to protect her child. With soft blue wisps of magic, Cadence chipped away at the wall, coaxing out the release that was too long coming-
Applejack was silent for a long time. Then she drew a deep, shuddering breath, and began to cry.
Cadence was upon her at once, wrapping the earth pony in enormous lavender wings. "Shh," She soothed, "Shh, shh, Applejack, sweetheart, it's going to be okay-"
But the dam had broken, and Applejack wept like a child, knuckles against her eyes, choking on sorrow and shame and fear. "I c-can't-!" She cried out between sobs, "I can't- I-I....I-I hafta put on a brave face all the time....f-for the family's sake....but I've lost so much, princess." She finally looked up at Cadence, her green eyes wide and streaming. "And I don't know how much more I can bear! I lost my Ma and Pa, and G-Granny just last season.....I just can't.....I don't wanna lose my little boy too-"
”Oh, Applejack.” Cadence surged forward, looping her thin arms around Applejack in the tightest hug she could manage. “You love so hard and so honestly, even in the face of terrible loss. It's a quality I really admire about you.” She squeezed the draft pony’s hand with her tiny one. “But I’m sure you’ll find there’s nothing to be scared of. Your feelings are normal, but I promise your child isn't going anywhere."
”.....I just don't know, Cadence." Applejack had produced a diesel-stained handkerchief from somewhere, and was dabbing clumsily at her eyes, still looking too lost for Cadence’s liking. "I.....I wish I could believe you, but I just don't know."
"Well, just think about it." Cadence tried. "Has she changed really? Besides just asking to be called a she?"
".....I guess not." Applejack mumbled. "He's still my lil' sprout. Feisty and fulla' trouble, with frogs in his pockets and dirt in his hair. He likes to leaf through Rarity's dress catalogs and play with Apple Bloom's old dollies, but he's always done that." She glanced at Cadence nervously. "....Maybe I shoulda known. Do you think there's anything I could've done to....." She trailed off, unwilling to finish. The words felt wrong.
"To prevent your child being transgender?" Cadence finished gently. Applejack hung her head, ashamed of herself.
Cadence continued. "No more than you could prevent an apple seed from becoming an apple tree. No matter how sure you were that it was a peach tree, or a pear, or an oak....it can only be what it is."
".....Landsakes." Applejack sighed, rubbing at her neck. "I reckon I've been pretty small-minded, huh?"
"You're here, Applejack." Cadence reminded kindly. "You're willing to learn. That's the most important thing."
Applejack sat down with an oof, the ground quaking at the impact. She tugged a stalk of grass loose, then placed it between her teeth, chewing thoughtfully.
"Was it.....hard for you, princess? Bein' the way ya are." She wavered. "Uh, if'n that's alright to ask, that is."
"I don't mind, Applejack. I consider you a friend, after all." The ever-present warmth in Cadence's voice faded, and she mulled over her answer. ".....Yes." She said finally. "Yes, it was difficult. At least in the beginning. I was an orphan. I had no friends, no family to turn to. I had a name, but I didn't like it. It never felt like me. I was......lost, in more ways than one."
Applejack instinctively slid closer, bumping shoulders with the crystal princess.
"By some miracle, I was discovered by Celestia. And she became my family. She was so warm and encouraging....and when I told her I was a girl, she believed me." Cadence toyed with her hair, winding a curl around her fingers. ".....She was the first. I can't tell you what that mean to me, Applejack."
"Celestia's wisest in Equestria." Applejack nodded. "That's what Granny always said."
"I think you'd change your tune if you saw what Tia's like after a couple glasses of red wine." Cadence snickered, "But yes. Between her care and guidance, and befriending Shining Armor, caring for Twilight, for little Spike.....building the first family I'd ever known- I came to understand love." With a fond grin, Cadence hugged herself. "Including self-love."
"And ya became an alicorn." Applejack mused.
"More than that." Cadence beamed. "I became complete. And as long as I'm confident in who I am, it doesn't matter what other ponies think. I'm a trans mare, Applejack, and I'm proud. I'm a queen to my people, and a mother to two beautiful fillies, and a wife to the handsomest, goofiest stallion on the planet."
"Sounds like a hell of a happy ending." Applejack dared to smile now, nervous, hopeful.
"And your daughter will have a happier one still." Cadence clasped both Applejack's hands, nearly glowing with joy. "Because she'll have a mom like you."
"I....." Applejack's eyes welled up, at the same time she flushed red, embarrassed to be getting emotional twice. "Of course."
But Cadence caught uncertainty in her tone, a lingering question. Applejack's brow knit. "Will he...." Here she paused, grasping for the right words. "She.....Will she want to get surgeries and spells an' such? In the future, I mean.”
”That’s very possible.” Cadence nodded. “Ponies sometimes undergo medical procedures so their outside appearance can better reflect how they feel inside. There are a few specialists right here in Ponyville that can discuss plans with you, if and when your daughter is ready."
”And...” Applejack chewed her lip worriedly. “...Ponies might make fun of her, right? School foals and the like. They might tease, or....”
”That’s also a possibility.” Cadence frowned. “That’s why it’s going to be so, so important for you and Rarity to be supportive. Be willing to talk, listen, and grow with her. Be the rock she can stand on. Our world is full of kindness, Applejack, but sometimes ponies fear what they don’t understand. Fear turns to hate, and they try to hurt those that are different, be it through words, or.....through violence.”
”Try, huh?” Applejack’s jaw set, a thunderous scowl clouding her face. “I’ll snap em like a twig first.”
”I'm sure you would." Cadence chuckled. "I can't say I wouldn't do the same."
"Heh. Oh, would you, your majesty?" Applejack turned to tease, "Here I thought a pretty pink thing like you'd be too delicate to sully her royal hooves clobberin' bullies."
"Who're you calling delicate?" Cadence huffed, feigning great offense. "Haven't you heard of a little tyrant by the name of Sombra? The Shadow King, Master of Fear? No? Maybe that's because I blew him up."
"That you did, yer highness." Applejack snorted a laugh- a real laugh, for the first time that afternoon. The tension finally bled out of her shoulders, and she flopped back into the grass, sprawling out. "...Too bad it didn't stick."
Cadence humphed, but it was betrayed by her smile. ".....Did I answer all your questions? How do you feel?" She scooched closer. "Nervous? Worried? Scared?"
"All of the above." Applejack laughed, mighty shoulders shaking. "But underneath that....I feel pretty good. For the first time since all this started, I feel like maybe.....everything'll be okay. Know how I know?"
Comments
Lory
My ex's former best friend is a trans woman. She transitioned in high school, and it was very hard on my ex. He felt like he lost his friend, and tragically, they didn't really stay friends after she became herself. I can see AJ's terror at "losing" her child; that they are effectively gone as a person. But that's not what happens at all. She was so much happier and outgoing after she transitioned, but most importantly, she was still the friend I had gotten to know. You never lose a person. You only gain a happier friend.
Lopoddity
Big Mac isn't much of a talker. :) I jest, but an important reason is because Cadence is trans. Big Mac is not. Big Mac moonlights as a drag queen, but spends most of his time as a stallion. AJ uses him as part of her argument, "Big Mac likes dresses but that doesn't make him a mare, why are we being so hasty to go along with this 'transgender' thing, maybe my son is just a boy that likes dresses, like my brother". Cadence is intelligent and worldly, she can remain cool against the angriest opponent while picking holes in their argument. Big Mac comparitively doesn't like to argue, and would probably bow out the discussion because he knows he and Magnolia are different, he doesn't want to speak for her.
also... i saw in the comments that you were planning to add a line about big mac, and a line that explains why cadence is there in the first place. BUT ... do you think you could explain (in the literature) why Applejack is listening to a FRIEND rather than FAMILY? i guess Cadence is a family friend... but like.. why listen to Cadence when Big Mac is right there! I dunno if that’s a thing you’d wanna answer in this story. I look forward to reading the finished product!
Lopoddity
I decided to change the line entirely, it didn't feel right. I think I leaned too hard into the transphobic element, except I don't really know how to write an openly transphobic character without playing into some nasty stereotypes about southerners, but I don't really believe Applejack would be like that. I forced a conflict where there shouldn't be any. AJ shouldn't be angry at transness as a concept, her anger is really just a smokescreen to mask her fear of losing her "baby boy". Is he going to go away forever and be replaced with a stranger? But children change no matter what, often in ways we can't predict. And that's not a bad thing. Poor dum draft horse. I imagine she's gonna hug lil Mags for like a solid ten minutes after this
Lopoddity
I'm adding a line about Big Mac. :)
Heather
Really love it so far!! Very excited to read the finished thing :D
Heather
I really, really love the feel of the whole piece. Aj's confusion and misplaced anger. Her fresh grief being a big factor in her fears. I mean especially if she just lost Granny of course those feelings of loss and fear of losing more is going to be prominent and anything that changes things more she's going to instinctively view as a threat and she's going to resist. I love Candence's patience and compassion. She really shines in this. Not gonna lie my feelings on this princess have always been mixed. I always hated how she just "poof! Imma butt into a situation I have no knowledge of and just magically force your feelings into happiness and love! Not creepily manipulative at all!"...but this doesn't feel that way. Her magic is more subtle here, a gentle prodding that Aj COULD fight if she wanted to, but I feel subconsciously wanted to let out, and Cadence was a safe place to express these feelings. Also loved her backstory! I do think Apple's little rant on "parents having no backbone and everything going to hell" is a biiit harsh? She is undoubtedly the most small minded of the mane six imo but I do feel she's come a long way too from her youth, especially with exposer to her friends and their little pony world opening up. I do love the bits of her apologizing and admitting her small mindness though. Perhaps these words are just spoken out from that place of fear and confusion and Candence senses that she doesn't mean those words? But her mixed feelings about everything get Jackie's hackles up and she's sort of just spewing words? Something to maybe soften that line up a bit
im surprised big mac isn’t mentioned! is he keeping his feelings regarding his gender identity a secret from his family too?
Gray
Okay that was a lot longer than I expected, my apologies! Love you and your work! <3
Gray
Hey Lop! I absolutely adore the drawing and as usual, this is brilliantly written! I hope it's okay if I give a note or two? Feel free to take it with a grain of salt though. For reference, I'm nonbinary (still trans!) And I still deal with a lot of transphobia from my family. I really like how Cadence approaches the subject (and adore that she's trans herself!) I think the way you depicted their conversation was extremely well-written and I didn't find it patronizing at all. If I could make one note, it would be that maybe it takes a little longer for Applejack to warm up to the idea? I know of course this is a one off scene for your story, and I would never expect you to write like a week's worth of dialogue, but she seems to flip very quickly, and in my experience transphobes are much more likely to dig in their heels at least a little bit before the emotional catharsis. Again, of course, there's magic involved and Cadence is being far more understanding and patient than I probably would've been, but I feel if her mentality going in is that 'people these days' and 'where is this country coming to with these trans people' it would take at least a little longer for her to come around. Just those lines on their own make it seem like she's coming from a place of deep rooted transphobia, and I feel at least a little more resistance on her side would make it feel more authentic. Of course, this is only coming from my experience and I don't wish to undermine the power of Cadence, so again, please feel free to take this with a grain of salt. I absolutely adore your work and I'm so grateful to be one of your patrons!
Jam Gram
just speaking from having a supportive mom who still said hurtful stuff till she took the initiative to rlly educate herself ... she watched a lot of video online, things like that ! I'm curious to see how AJ grows w that process & where she ends up as Mags becomes an adult...my mom is rlly outspoken abt explaining Nonbinary & trans stuff to others w out me knowing unless she tells me lol so I find the folks who rlly start out ignorant but willing become outspoken at the end. just my exp!
Jam Gram
I rlly love the whole discussion , tbh I think the notes I have are that I know from exp parents even when accepting fuck up a lot and having AJ try to teach herself like.... privately or in spaces where she's allowed to process & make those flubs safely (therapy type setting or a support group? ) away from Mags would feel realistic to me :^) also i am curious to Rarity's perspective bc i understand she has more exp w trans things but having her relationship on the matter & her reaction to AJs struggle seems interesting to me. Did AJ tell Rares her feelings abt thjs B4 her talk w Cadance ?
forthehonor-ofgayskull
This feels like a really realistic conversation. It takes some time for a family to come to terms with it even if they're really supportive. It's something I've had to go through with my mom, being trans myself.
D
Obviously it’s a philosophy and Kung Fu Panda didn’t create the analogy itself, but your wording almost felt like a deliberate reference. Guess not 😂
D
The line about “how an apple seed will grow into an apple tree, even if you want a peach tree, or an oak tree”, etc. It reminds me a LOT of the advice Oogway gives Shifu about control. If you google “Oogway ascends” you’ll find it immediately
Lopoddity
haha where? I did deliberately kinda reference a line from Avatar:TLA. It's spoken by Smellerbee, a girl freedom fighter who is possibly trans.
Lopoddity
I'm really glad to hear that. :D
Lopoddity
Good note, I'll add some clarification :)
Lopoddity
Good note! :)
D
Also do I smell a Kung Fu Panda reference?? Huzzah, a writer of quality!
D
“Because she’ll have a mom like you” fuck. I cried
D
Or “to be seen as redundant herself”, or wherever the word fits best. Sorry, I’m sick and my brain hardly works but hopefully you get the point 😅
D
Only about halfway through, and this is lovely! My one extremely minor tweak right now would be in the sentence “Princess Mi Amore Cadenza knew she was seen as redundant”, or however the line goes. I thought the sentence was referring to Applejack and got confused. I think saying “...knew HERSELF to be...” would help that! Just the one word addition would be perfect
Vio_dacreator
Small posaible addition here. It be nice if their was a beggining clip explaining why Cadence is here. Did she sense it? Did Rarity know to send for her? A little prologue to explain what's going on in this scene.
Nimbose
Including the frustrating, but oh so relatable scenario of the parent thinking they're losing their child is such an important decision. Both my mother and father expressed they felt they were losing their little girl when I came out as a trans man; it seems to be an almost universal worry that parents of trans people have when they don't understand. Having Applejack easily understand she's not losing anyone here is... Cathartic to my soul. Heh.
Oddish
Wonderful, honestly. Gosh. I love this
