alexries
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Book Treatment - Pass 1
🕑 Added 2021-03-11 13:40:06 +0000 UTCAn exclusive for you all: I am developing the pitch package for the birrin book! That will require finally deciding on names and titles, but I present to you the first pass at a synopsis.
Critique the hell out of it: I appreciate fierce feedback, when honest.
“Two sisters are coming of age in a vibrant community of birrin spread along Two Sky River, a swathe of vibrant life cutting through the sun-blasted Kiln desert, and the great ruins of the civilization that once almost burned their world.
Their adopted mother serves as their guide to the wonders of the river valley and the lives their families have built as traders and stewards of the land. Elder sister Siljarri, aloof and fiercely protective, keeps young and precocious sister Nil close under wing. Together, they encounter great intelligent sea creatures, skies wheeling with winged darting hunters, and the giants of the valley who work with the birrin to make their living from the land.
Yet one dawn, strangers arrive in Two Sky River. In great machines from across the Kiln desert they promise the people of the valley that, as partners, the glories of the old burned world can be reclaimed. As Siljarri and Nil face a quickly changing future, a shadow falls across the valley as the newcomers dig deeper into bones of the old world.”
Comments
ZCochraine!%
No prob👌👍
Alex
Thank you all for the crits. Much appreciated!
Alex
Good catch!
Alex
Yeah I think you are right.
Minor things: "Vibrant" twice in the first sentance. I'd remove the first "As" from the last sentance. I'm really looking forward to this book!
ZCochraine!%
Tings is also, however much is give the impression of human, by saying it that way it make the Birrin just people from the get-go. They also have slightly stranger names, unless they were expect something way different like fantasy. Which then makes looking at it an interesting experience because your looking at at theses 4 legged weird mouthed aliens and not thinking of them as truly aliens, just different people. Give people who are not us here having already seen the drawings that feeling of both alien yet so normal. And strangers arriving, well thats the surprised when their more teched up Birrin, with things going on elsewhere. Fair on point 2, it will have to be seen.
Astro-Aladfar
Let's talk about cons and pros one at a time. All three paragraphs have a good balance between being easy to read and the use of colourful words and phraces like 'sweap along', 'swathe', 'vibrant life' 'sun-blasted' and 'to wheel'. However, as detailed as the sentances on all three paragraphs are, they, and the sentances in them, are a little too long and therefore a little bit mouthful and difficult to follow. My suggestion is to shorten the sentances by either replacing some of the punctuation marks with a point, or removing the less essential detail-adding words, or both. In addition, I find the first sentence in the first paragraph very confusing: since Siljarri is MUCH older that Nil, the phrace 'to come off age' doesn't fit with Siljarri. The phrace fits with the older sister looking and behaving like a protective adult birrin, but the younger one looks and feels a lot more like a birrin toddler having a daredevil personality. My suggestion for this would to use a different phrase or sentance, both of which make the first phrase much more coherent.
John
One, I know you'll be providing images with this pitch, but unless the publisher is a fan of yours already, they won't know that you're talking about an alien species. So there's that. Two: I like the descriptions, it makes it sound like a YA story in a "post-post-apocalyptic setting". It starts out like a Slice of Life story, but quickly moves into "The daily struggle" type. Three: When I first read "strangers arrive" paragraph, the first thing to pop into my head was "Humans", but it then became clear that you were talking about birrin showing up from the Reclamation Project. Might want to make it clearer that's not Humans.
ZCochraine!%
Agree.
Sounds like a good pitch, nice and short, paints a good introduction of the Birrin.
