danielhkwan
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The Most Difficult Decision (part 1?)
🕑 Added 2019-05-09 15:12:57 +0000 UTCI'll just start by saying this. I dropped out of school.
It's been a decision quite literally years in the making.
For those of you who don't know me personally, from 2011 to 2018, I worked as an archaeologist. During this time, I earned a Master of Science studying Early Jomon ceramics from Japan and became a PhD Candidate studying the ceramics of the Shangshan culture in China. Despite finishing my dissertation and submitting it to my committee, I didn't go pass PhD candidacy. Long story short, my committee failed to read my work. One LOST my dissertation. Another forgot to read my work and was too embarrassed to return my emails and calls. Needless to say, this sent me into a pretty low point for my physical and mental health. I began to spiral. I didn't care about work (which I absolutely love). It put a strain on my relationship with my girlfriend and family. I stopped taking care of myself. It was bad, and I ultimately chose to take a medical leave of absence from grad school.
This month marks the end of my medical leave from the university. I had to make a choice. It was emotionally very difficult. A part of me felt like I was admitting defeat. That I was a failure. But honestly, I had made up my mind for quite some time.
Academia is like an evil cult you'd encounter in a D&D campaign.
My 7 year experience in academia was haunted by the patterns of abuse set in place by the culture of the university. In place were unspoken systems of control - fear about funding (if we were awarded any), fear about the job market, fear about competition, and the fear of failure. As young academics, we're forced to submit to the incontrovertibly true principle that the tenured professor is a) a god-like authority figure over our lives and careers and b) the ultimate career goal. There is nothing better than the university. Nothing more fruitful beyond its walls. We're indoctrinated to believe that our suffering is part of the process. A necessary evil to acceptance and enlightenment.
Don't get me wrong. I was very successful at navigating the academic work. Prestigious federal grants. Travel around the world. Published in international journals and books (some attached for your reading if you so choose). The privilege of being one of the intellectual elite.
But what did this all mean? The papers/book chapters I wrote aren't widely accessible beyond the academic circle. They're all behind massive paywalls. So why was I doing this research? For the benefit of humanity? For the benefit of the academy? Or for the benefit of the university?
These questions followed me everywhere. I felt without purpose and as if I wasn't even doing what I joined the academy for: learning.
So that's when I started Curiosity in Focus - my first podcast. It was a way for me to get the learning opportunities I so craved. It was a hit. I made episode after episode on the side, not only learning valuable lessons from my guests, but also leveling up my professional skills. Audio production. Web design. Marketing, Business management. In doing a side project, I became a more complete person capable of breaking free from the university.
So when my health took a dive just over a year ago, I took my absence from the university as an opportunity to test the job market with my new found skills. During the time I made a couple of career pivots. First was as a Creative Producer at the Royal Ontario Museum. Second was as a Marketing and Content Coordinator at a Muslim non-profit. The Third was in sales for one of the world's biggest tech companies. Now, I have permanent, full time work with benefits.
I'm happier and healthier. I have the psychological freedom (though I wish I had more time) to pursue my passion for gaming and design.
Why would I go back?
For a piece of paper I'll never use? I am not defined by who I was in the past, and a piece of paper need not represent my worth.
To be continued.
Comments
Daniel Kwan
Thank you so much Jonathan. I’m so happy your experience was better than mine!
Thanks for your vulnerability and transparency here. Although my experience with academia and higher education is different than what you named here, I see this pattern in many of my friends' experiences and even in my own undergraduate experience. Learning is definitely different outside the academy walls but it doesn't mean that it's worse. Regardless, I agree with Toni that your work and the content you create is superb. Love your work and that is why I support you here on Patreon. Fighting!
Daniel Kwan
Thank you so much Toni. Your kind words will be remembered forever! I'm definitely in a much better place now, and the process of rebuilding has been amazing. I'm looking forward to sharing more on this page!
Toni Kraja
Thank you for sharing all this very personal intel about you. I really appreciate it, we had the same experience about Academia here in Germany, my best girlfriend did quit her PhD and felt much better afterwards. If it helps, I somehow look up on you as a kind of role model material. I think you can be very proud about who you are. Please do not put your worth on a low level.... you are awesome! And all that achievements, very well done!
