Anthony Alves
patreon
Chapter 59
🕑 Added 2025-01-08 15:15:11 +0000 UTCThat battle happened yesterday. This fat prick just refuses to die.
We have no more tricks up our sleeves. Now, it’s just waiting for our Veil and Sortileges to reset once we hit the year mark.
Dan, Leena, Chet, Valentin, and Quiet dispersed after diving up the loot, and Dan ran the Trial of Suffering before he racked out for the night.
Not long after we started our usual nighttime routine, I received a message to report to this room and debrief a visiting bigwig investigator about the Dan issue, and that I should be on my best behavior as my life was on the line.
But as you can see, Acesso LeBlacky has done everything right and is truly brilliant.
I believe some rewards are in order. And not just an upgraded status. You’ve had plenty of time to mull over the question I posed earlier. Now that you know all that I bring to the table, it should be a no-brainer.
Will you be Bob and my sugar-daddy and allow us to live lavishly off the vast wealth you either inherited or worked extremely hard to amass?
[While it sounds very enticing, I must decline your generous offer.]
WHAT!? Are you serious? What if we cut Bob out of the picture?
[Still no.]
But I will massage you with at least a third of my tentacles whenever you return home from work, even your smelly crevices and lumpy parts. You can use me as arm-candy to make all your hotshot friends jealous.
[Still no.]
Fine. I’ll just take a fortune in rare cultivation treasures along with the upgraded status.
[Not so quick. I said we’ll see if you’re rewarded when all is said and done. Dan yet lives. Our job isn’t over.]
That’s not what you said. You said, “You need to catch me up first. Then we’ll see about a reward for you.” I caught you up.
Later, I said, “I’ll show the book to you, but if I do, you must factor the value of what you learn into my reward. This knowledge is worth a fortune.” You agreed.
[You truly have an impressive memory. Sorry, that book taught me nothing I didn’t already know.]
Yes, it did. It blew your mind.
[No, it didn’t. I assure you. But you did share it with me, and I’ll not forget that. I have some ideas of how to address our Dan problem. Once that’s done and over, you’ll have an upgraded status and other rewards. On my honor.]
------
Xotl held himself aloft in his chair with six of his many mighty tentacles. With two others, he began to slowly clap.
The voice asked, “What are you doing?”
“I’m slow clapping. Very impressive performance. How you strung me along with the promise of treasure you never planned on giving me. What a power move! I can’t help but to respect it.”
“I most certainly did not string you along,” said the voice indignantly. “I don’t reward treasure for merely informing me of your actions. I reward results, not words.”
Xotl laughed and continued to clap slowly for a minute before sitting again. “You seem to actually want Dan to die. What I don’t understand is why someone from your side would want that.”
An uncomfortable silence filled the room and stretched out for an intolerable length.
“What gave it away,” asked the voice. “Was it when I praised those dead mortals for their brave deeds and sacrifices?”
“Oh, I’ve basically known right from the start. You didn’t insult me when I first entered this room and spoke with you, which was weird, so I decided to test you.
“A few minutes later, I switched back and forth between the metric and imperial measurement systems of Earth in a way that even annoyed me. I’m certain a hotshot of my side would’ve immediately demanded I use our system of measurement.
“I thought it was possible you could be something else besides a demon or devil, such as an infernal, but when we reviewed soul weight, you said, ‘I believe nearly all level 0 Origin tier mortals would instantly die if an Archfiend or Prelate truly focused the full weight of their soul at them.’ I heard the other side used different titles for tiers starting at Archfiend, but no self-respecting son of Hell would just mention a prude title like that for no reason.
“There’re a million other reasons I could mention, such as expressing empathy and all the other prudery, but what clinched it was not letting me smoke my crack. It’s mine and there’s nothing in the employee handbook saying I can’t smoke crack while at the workplace.”
The voice said, “The tier below Archfiend begins the split titles. Fiend or Ascendent. Ascendent is the tier most angels of the first Choir are born to. We don’t join the war until we’re at least tier 15.”
Xotl became worried. The voice said that he had fought in the war, so he was at least tier 15.
“Yes, tier 15 is the tier I joined the war at long ago,” said the voice as if reading Xotl’s mind. “You live by my grace. I need but stretch my arm to kill a Jade.”
Xotl laughed. “I wouldn’t even think about it if I were you, prude. Every time I said I was changing my name but once, possibly twice, I was actually messaging Bob and Az’ga. I even messaged that dumb broad Zixy.
“Outside this room are enough demons to tear you limb from limb. And don’t think you can use the very secret secrets I told you against me to get out of this. No one believes the lies of prudes.”
This time the voice laughed. “You have a poor understanding of how ascendency works. There is no one outside this door, but I’d have nothing to worry about if every creature in this building were arrayed against me.”
“Oh, you’re in for quite the surprise, prude,” said Xotl as he squirmed off his chair and slithered to the door.
He smiled as he opened the door. The smile withered away when he saw nothing. The prude was correct. The hallway was empty. And freezing.
He quickly closed the door and tried thinking of a way to play it off like he knew no one would be in the hallway as he slithered back his chair.
“I knew the hallway would be empty all along. I just wanted you to get a good look at what you’re missing out on since you refuse to be my sugar-daddy. The full view, including my glorious tooshie.”
The voice asked, “Since you only changed your name once or possibly twice, what is your current name, demon?”
Xotl laughed. “I never changed my name. Not officially. Those one or two other times I said I was changing my name and wasn’t messaging Bob, Az’ga, or Zixy, I was sending pictures of my genitals to strangers.
“In my heart, I am Acesso LaBlacky. In reality, I would have to go to the Public Administration Hall with many forms of identification I don’t have and never heard of and fill out many hours’ worth of paperwork to change my name. And no other building has planes flown into it more than that building. It’s a very dangerous place to go to.”
The prude somehow got behind Xotl and walked around the table to sit in the other chair. He was now visible. He looked like a young mortal and didn’t feel powerful. All but his head was covered in fully articulated metal armor.
“Aphariel,” said the prude. “Angel of the first Choir.”
“Were you behind me the whole time?”
“No. I was inside of you.”
Xotl thought that should have turned him on, at least a little bit, but it didn’t at all. It caused him to feel weird. He should’ve been able to feel a prude inside of him, especially such a large prude covered in armor. “What? How did you not stretch me out greatly?”
“Inside your soul,” said the prude. “Before the war, those of my Choir would often act as guardians for mortals in such a way.”
Xotl tsked. “Since I also like to enter into others without permission, I guess I can’t complain about you doing it to me. It didn’t even hurt. Not like when it happened to me in Earth prison over and over and over again. Just how big is my soul? You’re very large.”
“I…that’s not how it works. And it’s generally not a good idea to call a lady so much more powerful than you are ‘large.’”
Xotl almost choked on his spittle. “WHAT!? You told me you’re not a dumb broad!”
“Correct. I most certainly am not a dumb broad.”
“You just said you’re a lady. That means you’re…”
Before Xotl could finish, his mouth somehow was forced closed. The prude said, “Do not call me a dumb broad. We aren’t on the same side, but in this Game, our goals align. I’d rather not constantly punish you for petty insults. We have important work to do.”
The pressure on Xotl’s mouth disappeared. He asked, “You consider being called a dumb broad an insult?”
“Of course.”
Xotl was at a loss for words for a long while as he thought about what he was just told. He couldn’t figure out why she thought that was insulting.
His ponderings were interrupted by the prude saying, “We are still to work together to achieve our goals.”
He laughed and said, “I don’t work with prudes. If it got out that I was even talking to one of you, I wouldn’t be able to show my face in any respectable pub.”
The prude smiled and said, “Well, you have no choice in the matter, and neither does Az’ga nor Bob. Mammon and Prince Eligos have been acquaintances of my boss for a very long time.
“I have a warrant of cause from Mammon to investigate and determine if Dan is irredeemable. I have this letter of debellatio from Prince Eligos granting me permission to solve the Dan issue if I were to determine he was, with all rights and privileges granted to one of my rank.”
This changed things. Up to then, Xotl thought he was safe. The prude obviously loved rules, or at least hated hearing of the ones he and Mystozagan bent a little.
If she attempted to kill him, Xotl would just lie and say she couldn’t, or it would count as Game interference. The other side wasn’t allowed a presence in this building until at least one participant remained alive for a year. Not the best leverage, but leverage.
He assumed the prude was trying to trick him somehow. Playing a long game. He couldn’t think of any reason why the other side would purposefully want to lose. It didn’t make any sense.
If she had permission to be there from bigwigs like Mammon and Prince Eligos, she wouldn’t get in any trouble for killing him.
Worst of all, if she did want her side to lose the Game, telling her that killing him counted as interference wouldn’t work at all. It would only encourage her to do so. He couldn’t think up a lie to gain any leverage.
He asked, “May I see the warrant and letter?”
“Of course,” replied the prude. Two pieces of paper appeared in her hand. Xotl stretched out a tentacle to grab them. As he looked them over, he said, “Hrmm.”
He had no idea what the two papers said. One looked to be written in High Demon and the other in possibly Diabolic. He could read neither language. That didn’t stop him from pretending he could. Both papers reeked of evil power. He handed both back.
“What title should I call you,” asked Xotl. “And you never answered before. Why do you want to help us? I don’t get it.”
“I need no title given to me. Aphariel is fine. The other’s not a simple question. Once a world loses the first Game, they always lose all subsequent Games. The longer a Game drags out, the more it costs us.
“If Dan wins this phase, my boss will have to leave the war to oversee the second phase. We can’t afford to lose my boss from the war for a day, and certainly not for such a length as the second phase would require. Not without the contestant having a real shot at winning. I have determined that Dan, being irredeemable, has no chance at all.”
Xotl couldn’t help but think this was still some sort of trick. “But there are eight billion souls on Earth.”
A little anger entered the prude’s voice as she said, “And it’s awful. It truly breaks my heart. But it’s inevitable. We don’t want this. We don’t want any of this. We’re trying to stop all of this. Even if Dan was to beat the champion, that means nothing. He can’t win the second phase, so this Game is lost.
“But let’s say Dan could win the second phase and did so – how does that help us in the war? It wouldn’t. Only the war matters as it will put an end to all these Games and set things right. I don’t know where these Soul Gems and other resources come from, but my boss told me directly the longer a Game drags on, the more resources it sucks away from the war effort.
“And that’s enough questions from you. You work for me now. Bring me to your Game terminal, introduce me to Az’ga and Bob, and let’s start planning. I need to meet with this Mystozagan too.”
Xotl sighed and slid out of his chair. He thought he would enjoy finding out the other side was less prudish than he had always been told and assumed. He was surprised that it only made him feel disappointed.
As Xotl slithered out the door and down the hallway, he found the bright side of Zixy’s unwarranted unwanted-sexual-harassment case. Only Bob and Az’ga were on the floor he was forced to relocate to. No one else would know he was working with an actual prude of the other side.
As he exited the hallway into the giant open-office bay, he was nervous about how Bob and Az’ga would take this new turn of events. But that nervousness went away as he saw Bob.
Bob and Az’ga were standing at Xotl’s terminal looking at the approaching prude with confusion plastered all over their stupid faces.
Xotl decided to rip the band aid off. “Bob, Az’ga, this is Aphariel, our new prude boss. Just until Dan is dead. Let’s all solemnly vow to never tell anyone about this, even if we’re tortured for the information. It’s a she, but it doesn’t want to be referred to as a dumb broad for some unknown reason I don’t understand.”
As Aphariel, Bob, and Az’ga all went to speak at once, Xotl yelled out, “Wait!”
He scurried forward, plopped down on the ground in front of Bob, and said, “I don’t care that you’re a filthy Nisrochite idiot or that your face is infuriatingly stupid looking. I don’t care how often we’re called prudes and harassed for it. I want to beat my cases. Bob, will you gay-marry me?”
For the second time in a short period, a very uncomfortable silence stretched out for an intolerable length. Finally, Bob said, “You know I’m a dumb broad, right?”
The room began to spin. Xotl nearly fainted. Bob added, “I’ve spawned like seven get with you. You’ve seen them fall off me and slither away towards my brood. You stomped on one of them.”
Xotl took a steading breath. “I just thought you had really poor hygiene.”
“Oh, I do, but I doubt anyone’s hygiene is poor enough to miraculously spawn get, you stupid idiot. And I’m not a Nisrochite. It’s obvious I’m a Nybbanite. See my anal stylus? Dead giveaway someone’s a Nybbanite.”
Xotl started to hyperventilate. His vision became blurry. Bob smiled and said, “If it’ll make you happy, I’ll pretend gay-marry you like a real prude.”
Xotl shouted out, “Are you crazy? I’m not gay-marrying a dumb Nybbanite broad like some sort of prude! I’d never be able to show my face in any pub again, and rightfully so! And how would that help with my cases? It wouldn’t!”
All of Xotl’s effort went into not succumbing to shock and staying conscious by force of will alone.
“I’ll gay-marry you,” said Az’ga.
“WHAT!? You really think the mighty Xotl would ever get gay-married to a dumb Asmodite broad? That’s not even gay-marriage, you dummy. I’d rather lose the Zixy case and all my many other currently open unwanted-sexual-harassment cases. I’d rather die.”
Az’ga laughed and said, “I was born a dude. I just wear these glasses and some clothing so people think I’m a prudish dumb broad. It keeps me from being forced into the legion as angel-fodder.”
As Xotl panted and struggled to breathe, he asked, “What is this an episode of the Twilight Zone? Is M. Night Shyamalan hiding around the corner? Just what is going on here?”
He covered his eyes with a few tentacles and shouted out, “Lincoln Hawke, save me! Turn your hat backwards and come arm wrestle these fools!”
Az’ga, with a very concerned tone, asked, “You okay, buddy?”
Xotl couldn’t answer so Az’ga continued. “You don’t look so good. I guess it makes sense now why you kept wanting me to be the meat in the sandwich. That’s not how sandwiches work, you stupid idiot. Bob and I just assumed it was due to you being such a huge gay and all.”
Xotl wiped the sweat from his face with a tentacle. “But you left for a week to spawn get when the Seventh Legion came back for some R&R.”
“Yeah,” said Az’ga. “I fornicated so much. It was awesome. I still get paid for that whole week too. I’m beating the system.”
Xotl managed to get out, “I would’ve done the same. Solidarity, brother. Or sister. Whatever. Just FYI, Acesso LaBlacky’s straight as an arrow,” before he finally fainted.
Az’ga looked at Bob and asked, “Acesso LaBlacky? Didn’t he say he wanted to be called Ace?”
Bob shrugged and said, “I thought so too. What a glorious name though. Acesso LaBlacky. Simply glorious.”
“I know, right? Legendary.”
“Having two names is ingenious,” replied Bob. “I didn’t know we could do that. I want in on this action. I’m calling dibs on Tits McGillicuddy.”
“Curses,” exclaimed Az’ga. “I wanted that name for myself. Hmmm. How does the name Buck Wild sound to you? Buck Wild. It just rolls off the tongue. Listen as I say it. Buck Wild. Buck Wild. Wonderful! But is it too masculine? Or is it whorey enough?”
“I like it. I think it sounds very whorey,” replied Bob.
Aphariel angrily snapped out, “Enough of this nonsense! We have work to do!”
Comments
Tony
Thank you
Eric Kellar
Honestly the angels dont really seem like good guys tbh especially not with one of them trying to kill off Dan who is literally there only chance at victory.
tibbish
OK fair enough. I didn't know all about the Christian/Jewish details of Samael which makes it seem sliiiiightly less stupid and more like a compulsion or 'job' that they have to do I guess?
Tony
Thank you. I put a long post that addressed what of this I could under Tibbish's reply.
Tony
Thank you. It’s basically how she and Geehel (from chapter 49) described it. There’s a lot more to it, and more that’ll be explained in book 1 too, but the very basics are as stated. Next chapter Aphariel tells Xotl Samael is her boss. He was the archangel that started this whole mess with the Games, and he’s under a lot of pressure to fix things. I’ll explain some stuff that doesn’t come up until way, way down the road, but aren’t really spoilers, and unless people know way more about angels than usual, some of it will be missed when it makes its way into future books anyway. For instance, Samael (Venom of God) is seen a little differently in the Jewish than the Christian tradition, and there’s been some modern changes to Samael where he is seen as more of the Adversary/Satan role such as being in the Garden of Eden with Lilith, and Eve is the second woman created. He’s also the Adversary in Job, etc. In Christianity, Samael is seen as the angel of death and a loyal and devote servant of God performing a rough but necessary task. Azrael (God has helped) is the angel of death in Islam, more like how Christians view Samael (with some key differences). I’m sticking more to modern Jewish Samael, but a more conflicted, less Adversary version. And that’s the guy Aphariel works for (through no choice of her own) and the guy that gave her those orders.
Tony
Thank you. Yes, the M. Night Shyamalan twist ending for Xotl. I'm guessing some people guessed the "boss" was an angel.
Tony
Thank you
Tony
Thank you and she's not.
John Anastacio
I guess Aphariel isn't aware Dan is a time traveler?
Andrew
I'm pretty certain Heaven (or at least some factions in Heaven) are benefiting from the game in some way, maybe it's large amounts of souls of those whom died heroic deaths or loot from the fodder sent by hell Aphariel being tasked to help kill Dan in the new timeline asks questions about her motives and actions in the previous timeline, was she originally meant to help kill Dan and had a change of heart?
tibbish
So just thinking out loud here: That at least some of the angels were in on it was a given, the rules and the way everything is ran is just too much in the demons favor for it to be true otherwise, but if her reasons for helping the demons kill Dan are actually correct it feels like a stretch. She can't possibly be that stupid is what is going through my head. Best guess is she really has another motivation and her superior is the big traitor but they both have bigger goals in betraying the game in favor of the demons.
Actually
That ending was cracking me up. Was that the twist ending or was it the boss being the angel or both tyftc!
Arkeus
Of course Aphariel being a kid means she is a idiot that got stuck in the losing cycles of the angels
