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Life update - I slept a LOT and felt sorry for myself π€©
🕑 Added 2023-01-16 05:45:00 +0000 UTCHey everybody!! Sorry for being so quiet these last few weeks. Lemme catch you up on where I've been and what's going on.
WARNING: Mopey, TMI Anya ahead.
As you likely know, I officially launched my merch store!! It was super fun and has been incredibly rewarding to see all the support for my products. An extra big thank you to those that bought merch :) I definitely wasn't prepared for how involved the promotional side of things would be though! Why does everything on this planet take so much time?????
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Wrapping up my semester was utter chaos. I felt like I was clawing my way through oobleck trying to get my assignments and social obligations done in time. My silly self ended my semester by confessing my feelings for someone then getting politely rejected but I was drunk and sad and definitely hadn't sobered up by the time I was on the plane back to England. Tears all the way through my 11 hour flight PFFFT. (Thankfully I'm over it now and we're still good friends but yes, I am extremely pathetic, I know lol).
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I left LA in such a hurry that I didn't even do the dishes or tidy my apartment. Bleh. I left a brownie sitting on the end of my bed for three weeks LMAO. Anyhoo, I got to be home for the first time in a year!! I didn't realise how much I missed my home and my family, the pets, the landscape, English accents and my piano until I got back. I am extremely fortunate that I could feel the warm (actually, it was cold and damp, but I like it that way) embrace of my home and loving family.
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While home, I did almost ZERO art. Partly because I was creatively exhausted and needed a break but also because my chronic fatigue wiped me OUT. I was sleeping around 16 hours a day for 3 weeks and am only just working my way back to around 10 hours + 1-2 naps per day.
I was incredibly frustrated the entire time: It sucks when my brain is overwhelmed with thoughts about all the work I need to do whilst I'm literally unable to move. I wouldn't wish this feeling upon my worst enemy. It sucks because I do what I can to stay healthy - I eat well, I run 10k every other day, I hit the gym etc - but unfortunately, CF isn't something that can be cured. I hope to find more ways to manage it but it's been a slow process.
I cannot express how much my fatigue, well... Fatigues me. I feel so upset. I've cried about it more than I care to admit. I feel such intense upset when it gets bad. My face gets hot and my whole body. I hate this.
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TW: Death
Unfortunately a friend of mine passed away suddenly over the break. That absolutely stopped my entire high school community in our tracks. He will be fondly remembered - truly one of the nicest guys I had ever met!! He was studying medicine and getting ready to make a fantastic impact on the world. The news hit me harder than expected. It prompted a lot of reflection regarding how fleeting our lives truly are. It felt so odd seeing the rest of the world just move on. Time waits for no one. On the one hand I feel like I need to keep mourning and never stop thinking about him, but on the other hand, that simply isn't productive nor does it truly honour him. I guess I also have to move on to some degree. :/
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Something else I never thought would happen, I officially returned to social media! And... I kinda regret it lol (shh don't tell anyone). If I wasn't sleeping or exercising, I was staring at my Instagram feed and refreshing notifications.
That being said I am deeply appreciative of the love and support I received!! It's the glue that's holding me together right now :) I also had two posts that blew up and it's really exciting because they reflect the exact type of content I want to focus on this year. Good to know the internet is just as on board!
Also OMG some of my BIGGEST inspirations followed me!! Namely Alex Hirsch (on Christmas Day, no less!). My thirteen year old self would have screamed haha. It's definitely a nice reminder of how much I've achieved and how far I've come since first discovering my love of animation 8 years ago.
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My film FiREWORKS is progressing at a snail's pace but nonetheless, progressing!! I've been working on preparing assets (boring stuff you don't need to see, I promise). I'm almost ready to share the first passable pass of my animatic with the $4 and $10 Patrons! Keep an eye out this week ;)
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Finally, I returned to CalArts and immediately hit the ground running!! The first two weeks of school are like a mini semester called "Winter Session" where we can take non-curricular classes. I've been really enjoying a sewing class and learning a lot about worldbuilding. Once Winter Session wraps up, I'll have a lighter course load and hope to start streaming FiREWORKS on Tuesdays again :D
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If you've read all the way through this, thank you! That means a lot! I don't mean to treat my Patreon as a personal diary but I figured I owe it to you to a) let you know why I've not been posting and b) be transparent regarding issues we as people and artists face. I want there to be an openness discussion surrounding the struggles of art-making.
Let me be clear, I'm aware my struggles aren't much in comparison to others. I'm essentially living my dream and am fortunate enough to call the aforementioned troubles my worst experiences as of late. However, it doesn't mean these issues are invalid or shouldn't impact me. I'm not the strongest or bravest person out there; I can get easily knocked down but I'd like to think I can get back up just as easily!
Ok I'm done now. Hopefully this will be the last of the "Anya-feels-sorry-for-herself" updates for a while. Less talking, MORE ART!!!
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See you soon! πππ
Comments
You articulated a feeling I didn't even know I had!! Wow - I appreciate your words. It's so true - my fatigue feels so nebulous and out of my control. If there was a solid reason or lasting cause, perhaps it'd at least feel "justified" in some way.
Tw how to handle death: (Not a therapist, but:) Not knowing how to handle the death of a near one is very normal: your brain hasnt really settled yet. Its normal to feel like you should grieve more, but also move on. Its a big thing to happen in life, and the ambiguity is tough, but you come out stronger at the end. But it requires a weird patience and zen.
Fatigue effing sucks, and having a disability and being fatigud while also being in one way or another privileged (like well off parents, or no trauma, or other stuff) can be incredibly demoralizing because it feels like you shouldn't feel like the way you are feeling. Ive had that struggle a long time with my middle classness and my depression tendencies and long story short, gratitude+therapy helped a lot there. But some days it can still feel like i want there to be an obvious reason for my bad feelings and would find it more tolerable if there was a bad guy, life circumstance or even something that i do that makes my moods terrible. Sometimes we have to find meaning and be content in a lot of the small constant misfortunes of life, and kinda just⦠live with them. Like standing in a shower that is way too cold sometimes. Even if the cold sucks, seeing it as proof of your resilience helps.
