Urmie
patreon
Chapter 106: Afraid
🕑 Added 2025-07-28 23:53:59 +0000 UTCSilence.
Her chest felt strangely tight.
She erased any sign of conflict from her face and gave the man a carefully blank smile. “Well, it seems things are going to get busy, Your Majesty. I shall leave you to it.”
Without giving him any chance to respond, she stood and bowed before turning around. “Eunuch Li.” She inclined her head in polite greeting before walking out of the Imperial Study. There was no sound behind her save for the closing of the doors. She ignored the pang of disappointment as she walked forward.
“Come, Eunuch Liu.”
Ah-Liu could probably tell there was something wrong. Ah-Liu was perhaps the one who could gauge her moods the most, apart from Manu. By the time she reached her residence, there was no trace on her face of the tumultuous, unpleasant little twists and turns she was feeling in her chest.
She went about her day as usual, until it was time for her to visit Lady Fu. By that time, Manu was back from his lessons. She could feel the increased security around them. That was a good thing, and seeing her son being protected lifted the heaviness in her heart just a bit.
The sun had dipped low by the time Samaya made her way to Lady Fu Caiyi’s residence. The lanterns along the winding paths had just begun to glow, casting soft golden halos along the stone trails and the trimmed bushes lining them. She’d never really taken the time to appreciate the beauty of the Palace. Something in her felt… calmer, for some reason. More grounded. The air was cooler now, touched with the scent of jasmine from the garden clusters nearby. Manu walked beside her, his small hand curled around two fingers of hers, so tightly that had he been a grown man, her fingers might have broken. As if he was afraid she would disappear if he let go. She could not blame him.
Ah-Liu remained a step behind, and her maids followed. She’d told her ladies-in-waiting to retire for the night.
As they approached the outer gate of Lady Fu’s residence, the soft giggles of children echoed through the open courtyard. Samaya slowed. She sensed some more guards around here. It seemed the Emperor was taking the safety of all his children seriously. That was good.
The gate was already open, and inside, they found Ai and Mei circling a tree, chasing each other, their laughter bright and piercing. Samaya smiled, realizing she’d missed the girls. Her chest felt a bit lighter. Manu blinked at them. Then, one of the girls noticed him and immediately squealed.
“Brother!”
And then the other notices.
“Brother!”
They ran up to him in tandem, essentially jumping on him. “Where have you been? It has been so long!”
The older twin, Mei, pinched Ai. “You know what happened, silly! How could you ask that?!”
“Oh!” She pulled back a bit, seeming downcast. Then, her eyes lit up again and she began tugging on Manu’s arm. “Come play with us, brother!”
He blinked again, looking up at Samaya. She merely arched a brow at him. “Go on then,” she said gently.
Manu took off with them, his usual reserve forgotten. He was surrounded in seconds, the girls tugging at his sleeves and showing him some sort of wooden puzzle they had been fighting over.
Samaya watched them for a long moment, her eyes softening.
“Lady Qing.”
She turned to find Lady Fu walking toward her from the inner pavilion. She looked different today—her hair was tied in a looser knot, and her robe, though elegant, was more relaxed than usual, a warm shade of sage green embroidered with delicate vines. Her hands were clean of any accessories, no rings or bracelets. There was something comforting about her in this space, something far removed from the poised concubine of the morning greetings. They had always been like this. An easy friendship that had formed almost immediately after Samaya had entered the harem. It was only now that she was realising how much that friendship had anchored her in a place where she would have been entirely alone had Lady Fu not been there.
Samaya smiled. “Thank you for having us. I apologise for just inviting myself over so suddenly.”
Fu Caiyi gave her a look that was almost sheepish. “It is no bother. I have missed having you over. It has been a hectic few weeks for you, has it not?”
She exhaled softly. “It has.”
They shared a brief look before Samaya followed her in, Manu and the girls still occupied in the courtyard, and Samaya left them there to play together, sending a look to Ah-Liu to keep an eye on them. She knew they were well protected but having Ah-Liu there gave her the peace of mind she required.
The inner dining room was intimate, nothing grand like the main palace halls—just a polished wooden table set low, cushions around it, incense burning faintly from the corner. The smell of food drifted from beyond the carved screen.
Fu Caiyi gestured toward the seat near the window. “Come, Lady Qing, let us sit. The maids will bring dinner soon.”
Samaya did as asked, settling comfortably on the cushion. She waited until Fu Caiyi had sat opposite her. They were silent for a long moment. The silence was not exactly uncomfortable, but perhaps it was a little awkward. Neither of them could find anything to say.
Until Fu Caiyi broke the silence. “What’s the matter? You seem… distracted.”
Samaya blinked, unable to hide her surprise. Lady Fu smiled softly but did not say anything. Perhaps… she’d let more of herself around the woman that she thought. Either that or Lady Fu was incredibly perceptive. Perhaps a bit of both.
She exhaled softly and waved a hand at her maids. They bowed and stepped out. She waited until she was sure they were out of earshot.
“I think I understand now,” she said softly, her voice even. “What you said you were feeling. This morning.”
Fu Caiyi’s eyes widened ever so slightly.
“I met with the Emperor today. To thank him for the gifts.” Samaya continued, “I found out that the Kingdom of Rayie is sending a concubine. She’ll arrive in two weeks.”
A flicker of something—sympathy?—passed over Fu Caiyi’s face.
“And suddenly,” Samaya said, chuckling mirthlessly, “I feel unbalanced. I don’t have the right to be upset. I know that. I’m not his wife. I’m not even the highest-ranking consort. He has a kingdom to run, alliances to make, appearances to maintain. And there was nothing between us except…”
“Carnal desire?” Fu Caiyi asked.
Samaya blinked at her, remembering the conversation they’d had a long time ago, after she’d dealt with the maid.
She chuckled again, equally as humorless as before. “Carnal desire. I did not expect anything more from him. At least, that was what I thought.”
She exhaled, shaking her head. “But when I heard it, I—” Her fingers curled slightly over her knee. “I felt this … I cannot even describe it. It was tight and sharp, right here.” She tapped over her chest with a finger, before letting her hand drop. “I left immediately.”
“Because you’re afraid you’ll lose him?”
Samaya looked up. “No. Because I realized I was afraid I already want to keep him.”
There was a long pause. Fu Caiyi’s expression didn’t change, but her fingers twitched once before she folded her hands.
“It is not the same,” Fu Caiyi said quietly. “What you feel… what you’re afraid of, it is much more real than what I felt. I was not upset because of love. I was upset because of fear.”
Samaya did not know whether what she was feeling could be called love. It was something deeper than lust, to be sure. Perhaps like. Passion. Care. But … love? Did she love this man? She did not know. But she did not say anything as Fu Caiyi continued speaking, her voice soft.
“I’ve always known what this place is. That my life, my children’s lives, are balanced on how long the Emperor remembers me. I entered the harem knowing I would be competing for the Emperor’s favor all my life. I thought I had made peace with that. But then you came, a wild, free woman who did not seem to care to even respect the Emperor, let alone vie for his favor. You were my first true friend in this godforsaken place and … it would not be wrong to say that you … saved me, in some ways. I never thought that you… you would…”
“Sleep with him?” Samaya asked.
Lady Fu looked up at her and blinked, before sighing.
“Sleep with him.” The words were said without malice, only quiet hurt. “You seemed above it. Detached. Like you’d built walls no man could scale. I thought you’d be the one person whom I never need worry about competing against. And yet…”
“And yet I let him in,” Samaya finished for her, voice subdued.
Fu Caiyi nodded.
“And the Emperor… he seemed so completely smitten. Do you know that you were the only low ranking concubine to receive such priceless treasures?” She exhaled softly. “I felt foolish,” she said. “Not just because I was afraid of losing favor, but because I thought I’d misjudged you. That the person I saw in you was just another mask.”
Samaya winced faintly. “I never intended to betray your trust.”
“You didn’t,” Fu Caiyi said, her voice firm for the first time. “It was only I who thought too deeply. You were honest. With yourself. That is more than most of us can say.”
Samaya gave her a long look. “Then… you forgive me?”
“There was never anything to forgive. I do not have the sole claim on the Emperor’s affections.” Fu Caiyi smiled, a little sad, a little fond. “I think I was grieving an illusion more than anything else. I saw in you the version of myself that could have chosen differently. The one who wasn’t born to this gilded cage. But perhaps that’s why it hurt more.”
"I am still that person, Lady Fu. I shall never allow myself to be chained, rest assured."
Lady Fu smiled. "That is ... truly a relief to hear, Lady Qing."
There was silence between them for a long while, but it was no longer strained. It stretched comfortably, the way silence sometimes did between people who have finally said what they needed to say.
Soft laughter echoed from outside. The girls were trying to braid Manu’s hair, and he was letting them with only minimal protest.
Fu Caiyi laughed. “He’s too patient for his own good.”
Samaya watched them, smiling. “He likes being a big brother. We were alone for the longest time, after all.”
“He’d make a good brother,” Fu Caiyi said gently.
Samaya’s smile faltered. She looked away, then back at Fu Caiyi. “I’m scared. Of what it means to want something more. Of what I might become. Of what he may ask of me.”
Fu Caiyi studied her. “He may ask. But I don’t think he’ll demand. Not of you.”
“You sound very sure.”
“I am,” she said. “The Emperor… he’s never looked at any of us the way he looks at you. Not even the Empress.”
Samaya blinked at her. Part of her had known that the man looked at her differently, that he … felt for her differently. But hearing it spelled out sent her heart thudding against her ribcage.
“I think he’s a man who’s ruled too long, keeping his own heart under lock,” Fu Caiyi said quietly, before giving her a soft smile. “Perhaps you have found the key.”
She chuckled softly. “I do not know about that.” She then reached forward and took her hand. “Thank you. For understanding. For forgiving me. For being my friend.”
Lady Fu squeezed her hand. “Someone told me, it is human.”
Samaya let out a startled laugh and nodded just as the doors slid open and the maids entered, carrying trays of dishes, fragrant and steaming. They worked silently, setting down bowls of duck soup, glazed fish, pickled vegetables, sweet lotus roots, and soft dumplings. Scented tea was poured.
The children came in, chattering, Manu following them with a slight frown and a braid still awkwardly clinging to the back of his head. Samaya suppressed a laugh and smoothed it out.
They all sat together, the children occupying the corner with their own small bowls. It was warm, like something out of a life Samaya never thought she could have—laughter at the table, food shared between friends, the scent of spice and tea curling through the air.
Fu Caiyi lifted her cup to Samaya.
“To us,” she said softly.
Samaya lifted hers in return.
“To us.”
They drank in silence.
Later, as they ate, Manu leaned his head against her arm and dozed off, exhausted from the day’s events. The girls yawned widely and crawled into their mother’s lap.
For a moment, it was quiet.
And in that moment, Samaya allowed herself to imagine.
What would it be like… to stay? To stop running? To have a life, not just a role?
But just as quickly, the thought dissipated.
Because she was not foolish enough to think such peace could ever last in a palace like this.
Still, tonight was warm.
And that, for now, was enough.
------ ------ -------
Author's Note: Here is the chapter. Sorry for the messed up schedule that you will be seeing the next few weeks! I will try to publish on the schedule as much as possible!! Thank you for being patient. The next chapter should be up in a few days.
I think I am satisfied with how this convo went. It had been so long since Samaya just sat and talked with her only friend in the harem. It was honestly very calming to write this, especially since they cleared the air between them! Fu Caiyi seems like a minor character but she'd unknowingly had a subtle influence on Samaya! I hope I was able to portray that here!
Thanks for reading!! Lemme know what you think in the comments below!!!
Comments
Sammy Girl
They rely on each other, in their own ways. Neither of them really wants to let go of that.
Stephan B
Very sweet conversation. I like that both can simply be friends. And oh boi. Another disturbance to the harem is on the way, honestly I forgot. Let us see what happens wordsmith!
Sammy Girl
Edited. Thank you!
Christie
amaya left them there to play together, sending a looj to Manu — look to ah Liu
