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Gamer Girls (Old)

🕑 Added 2019-02-07 02:58:44 +0000 UTC

Comments

HardhatDoozer

I mean really this whole story is like that. A couple of parts ago I was overwhelmed with the number of characters introduced. But it slowed down and started working on developing them so it’s all good now.

Robert E. Poole

I actually like the way this section is, it gives us the chance to just let the characters bounce off one another. I am also hoping that we are setup for Jordyn and Melanie to get a little input on Foxy from different sources.

Zhilbar

Maybe, but not today. You make good characters and we just love watching them bounce off each other; that's the way these things go! That said, this does feel pretty unfocused. We're too used to POV narrative from you mixed with third-person omniscient perspective, so the sudden lack of a POV focus (presumably Emily to start with) feels unbalancing when she runs off and the scene keeps going. POV perspective is a problem for a scene like this when nobody's around for the whole thing, but switching up our story viewpoint is still more jarring.


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