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Midnight Pals: Mormon Space Whales
🕑 Added 2025-07-14 17:41:45 +0000 UTC[space coven]
Eric James Stone: submitted for the approval of space coven, I call this the tale of the swales
Stone: you might even call it
Stone: a swale of a tale
Stone: ha ha ha
Stone: so there's a race of impossibly ancient, impossibly gigantic beings made of pure plasma discovered living in the flaming nuclear heart of the sun
Stone: they're called sun whales
Stone: or
Stone: for short
Stone: swales
HG Wells: nice
Jules Verne: haha i get it
Verne: short for sun whale
Stone: of course this is a real sea change for humanity
Stone: the big question is how will this affect mormonism
HG Wells: yes interesting, such a discovery would definitely challenge the core tenets of a faith
L Ron Hubbard: not my faith
Wells: no of course not
Wells: not your faith
Wells: but still, discovering impossibly old, god-like aliens would present some real challenges to a religion
Stone: yeah
Stone: like how do we convert them?
Wells: that wasn't really what i had in mind
Stone: it's gonna be hard to send missionaries to the sun
Stone: you need more than a bicycle helmet to protect you from 5000 degrees K
Stone: anyway there's a mormon guy in the sun colony
Stone: and he has managed to convert a few of these impossibly ancient, impossibly huge fire aliens to mormonism
HG Wells:
Jules Verne:
Stone: through cunning arguments and moral reasoning
Stone: now the sun scientists don't like that he's converting the swales
Stone: the scientists are all "boo! hiss! you're contaminating the swales with your silly mormon fairy tales! only the cold logic of soulless science is permitted!"
Stone: but don't worry
Stone: [glancing at CTR ring] we'll fix that
Stone: here's the problem, the swales don't have a taboo against rape in their culture
Stone: so when a swale in this guy's congregation gets raped
Stone: it's really a great opportunity to proselytize
Stone: the scientist is all "boo! hiss! you can't introduce sexual shame to the swales!"
Stone: but this mormon guy is determined
Stone: the swales only respect one thing
Stone: and that's girth
Stone: they're all major size queens
Stone: it turns out that in swale society, if you're older, larger and more powerful you can can freely sexually abuse younger smaller more vulnerable people
Stone: well, we don't stand for that sort of thing in the LDS!
Verne:
Wells:
Stone: i mean in theory
Stone: so the mormon goes to the biggest swale
Stone: if he can get THIS swale on board with sex taboos, then the rest will follow
Stone: maybe he can get them to do soaking instead
Stone: or just look at bubble porn
Stone: and the mormon is all "you think you're pretty big"
Stone: "but you know what's bigger than you?"
Stone: "the love of mormon God"
Stone: and the biggest swale is all "wow, you've given me a lot to think about"
Stone: at the end of the day, the biggest swale doesn't convert
Stone: but the big swale is so impressed by the mormon guy's plucky tenacity
Stone: that she declares that no swale should rape a mormon swale from now on
Stone: they can only rape unaffiliated swales
Stone: so that's a real win
Stone: so anyway we've had a lot of fun today
Stone: [sitting on chair backwards] but maybe now we can "rap" a little about "the good news"
Stone: i've got some pamphlets
Comments
Claire Hiria Ahuriri-Dunning
ahhhhhh, soaking. Because an all-seeing all-knowing all-powerful God lets you have loopholes, I guess.
Shirley R
"i mean in theory" ππ
