bethofthewild
patreon
Streamer Ch. 23
🕑 Added 2022-09-06 20:26:42 +0000 UTCSage lay flat on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Occasionally she glanced over at her phone nearby. It was already past when her stream was scheduled to start, but she just… couldn’t. Even the idea of sitting upright felt like a Sisyphean task. It was as if her depression had made gravity itself stronger.
As every second ticked by, her guilt and anxiety grew. After spending so much time and effort building her channel, she was basically throwing it all away. She’d already ended the stream early twice in the last week, and called off one the week before due to “illness”. It wasn’t technically a lie. She’d just failed to specify that the illness was mental rather than physical.
She was sure her views and subs were down but she couldn’t even bring herself to look at the numbers. Every time she used to check them, she’d feel like high numbers would make her feel better. And they did, briefly, if they were high… but if they were low, the negative feelings stuck with her way longer. Just looking at the metrics had started to feel like a form of self-harm.
She finally, laboriously, shifted herself to grab her phone and update her audience.
7thSage: hey really sorry have to cancel stream today
About a minute later, her phone buzzed. She sighed and glanced at the screen to see she had gotten a DM from trans_rites.
trans_rites: Are you okay?
trans_rites: You’ve been missing a lot of streams
7thSage: im not ok
7thSage: i suck and im just making everything worse by not trying hard enough
trans_rites: …Okay? I don’t know what that means
trans_rites: I mean, I have noticed you’ve seen… lower energy on stream lately
7thSage: look i know the streams have sucked lately
7thSage: really don’t need to hear that from yet another person
trans_rites: Wow.
trans_rites: Don’t put words in my mouth
trans_rites: I really don’t appreciate that
trans_rites: If things don’t improve I think I’m going to have to no longer be one of your mods
trans_rites: I’m just getting a lot of negative vibes and toxicity from you right now
trans_rites: I haven’t done anything wrong. You shouldn’t be taking your anger out on me
7thSage: god fuck off
Sage immediately regretted saying that. Knowing Evelyn/Lunaria, she was not going to respond well.
trans_rites: WOW.
trans_rites: I thought you were an okay person. Clearly I was mistaken
trans_rites: I don’t think I can support someone who treats others like this
trans_rites: And I’m going to inform others that they should consider following suit
Sage had had enough. She went ahead and took a screenshot before blocking trans_rites on Discord, then sent off a quick message to Mel.
7thSage: well i think rites is going nuclear and is gonna like tell everyone that i’m a bad person
Mel 😬 reacted to the screenshot
melsalvia: yikes
melsalvia: her not you, i mean
melsalvia: i’ll remove her as mod from stuff
7thSage: i mean i’m the one who fucked up
7thSage: i was really rude
melsalvia: look you may have been rude, but she was being pretty awful
melsalvia: i’d prefer understandable rudeness to technically polite terribleness
melsalvia: like, you’re obviously having a bad time and she just really made the whole thing all about her
7thSage: i don’t really want to talk about it any more
7thSage: i should just stop being a streamer
7thSage: just disappear
7thSage: it would improve the internet
melsalvia: if you really want to do that, i think that’s fine. your health is way more important than online content
melsalvia: but i think you started streaming because you enjoyed it and now it’s become a really negative thing
melsalvia: burnout is really common in the kind of job you have now
melsalvia: my personal opinion is that you should take a break
melsalvia: it’s been hard for me to watch you from a distance as you seem like you’re just having a terrible time in life
melsalvia: i didn’t want to say too much because your life is your life and i didn’t want to get in arguments with you or anything
melsalvia: but as someone who loves you it’s been hard to watch
melsalvia: i wish you could see how great you are just as a person
melsalvia: you don’t need to be a famous streamer to matter or to have value
melsalvia: you don’t need to make money. i know it can be hard to remember but your value as a person has nothing to do with the money you earn
melsalvia: you don’t have to justify your existence. you’re not a burden. people like your mom and i are just glad that you exist
melsalvia: sorry for the wall of text and i don’t want to make this it’s about me or like i’m telling you what to do. i know you always feel like you have to do more and try harder and i didn’t want to push against that because i didn’t think it would be productive. others times i’ve brought the subject up haven’t really gotten through to you
melsalvia: i guess tl;dr i just really wish you would be nicer to yourself
7thSage: i
7thSage: i see what you’re saying
7thSage: i do get really wrapped up in numbers and, like, pseudo-objective metrics of performance or value
7thSage: in school it was getting A’s and on twitch it’s getting subs
7thSage: i just always feel like i’m not good enough
7thSage: i know i should probably go to therapy and stuff but it costs a lot and i already feel like i’m taking advantage of my mom living with her and not paying rent
7thSage: but it’s not like i make enough from streaming to pay rent around here
7thSage: and i don’t think there’s any jobs i could get that would make enough
7thSage: my old job sure didn’t
melsalvia: i’m 100% your mom would think it was worth it for you to go to therapy
melsalvia: you and your wellbeing matter more than money
melsalvia: also if you want i can try to pitch in
melsalvia: i’ve been making okay money working as an editor for some various YouTubers
7thSage: i can’t ask you to do that
melsalvia: i would pay any amount of money if it could help you feel better
melsalvia: you absolutely can ask me for help
melsalvia: please do so, in fact
7thSage: …okay
7thSage: need to think about it for a little bit but
7thSage: i might put streaming on hold or go on hiatus for a while
7thSage: god i don’t want to see how people respond to hearing that though
7thSage: also i need to talk to my mom
7thSage: god
7thSage: why am i so stressed all the time
7thSage: these things shouldn’t be a big deal
melsalvia: anxiety isn’t usually rational
melsalvia: i can update your audience for you
7thSage: i appreciate that but idk if i can ask you to like do everything for me
melsalvia: it’s seriously not a big deal. if it’s something that really stresses you out but doesn’t really stress me out, i think it just makes sense for me to do it
melsalvia: i have no doubt that you could do it. you don’t have to like prove your ability to be independent or do things without help. everyone relies on others sometimes. that’s just how humans work i think
melsalvia: like, if there’s any easy route that gets the thing done but with you having less of a bad time, then i think we should go for that
melsalvia: part of being nice to yourself
melsalvia: and it’s not you imposing on me or anything. i truly, actively want to do what i can to help you
7thSage: okay
7thSage: youre right
7thSage: go ahead and let people know streams are canceled for the next month or so
7thSage: ill start looking at therapy options
melsalvia: really glad to hear that
melsalvia: i love u
melsalvia: <3
7thSage: <3
