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unfinished FaD strip: integration
🕑 Added 2021-07-27 03:22:30 +0000 UTChere's another strip i never finished, from 2019. i really wish i had had the time to finish this one, but it was so lengthy, and the topic itself is anxiety-inducing for me -- i had a hard time finding the appropriate headspace to work on it at all. notably, there's no script, because it was just seared into my brain for a long time; i thought i would finish it before it started to fade.
the strip was to be composed to of 5 sections, with 3 pertaining to integration in "the past" and 2 pertaining to using self-harm to cope with and control dissociative symptoms "the present" - segmented to have the abrupt end of each segment make sense as a transition back to the other time, like how the transition between segment 1 and 2 relies on dupe mentioning pleasure. it would have looked a lot better if i had finished it, but now with my hand (and sometimes wrist) pain, i definitely don't have time to finish an old strip like this.
the "true self" segment is a switch back to past tense, where dupe begins to describe what integration is like, piggybacking on the immediately prior question asking them to describe the overt gratification from self-harm more descriptively. their general description of integration was that, in the process of becoming your true self through integration, you become your best self. many flaws and limitations in alters would simply stop existing along with the alters. it can be noted in this scene (or actually, the entire "past tense" thread in this strip) that dupe is describing integration in a way intentionally framed to intimidate and lead gray by the nose. it isn't really an entirely accurate depiction of integration.
even with that said, their own hope that they would regain full autonomous control over their own life during a downward spiral toward quasi-dormancy was meant to play an equal, observable roll in this construction of integration. while describing, in a way, why and what of gray would disappear, they take the concept of disappearing for the worse, and start to scrutinize dupe's suggestion more defensively. dupe insists that gray is a burden of misery and stupidity, and and the conversation escalates enough for gray to bring up that dupe isn't perfect either; with their argument, every alter should disappear, because they all have flaws, and being flawless isn't really being your true self -- accepting and owning your flaws is. gray argues that from accepting so many flaws, dupe's own personality would become so watered down that they would cease to exist as "dupe" as well. the particular flaw that gray brings up is self-harm, which leads back into dupe's description of what self-harm feels like.
after the second segment drawn in present-tense, the last segment leads in with dupe telling gray that they wouldn't even self-harm if it wasn't for them ("them" in this case implying all of the other alters). without context, gray is nonplussed and interprets this as basic blame-shifting. they exchange jabs at each other from across the room several more times, and gray accuses dupe of only starting the argument because they are afraid of disappearing anyway (because common ground, understanding, and tolerance lead toward integration, and the opposite, vice versa). dupe retorts that gray is just as afraid of disappearing, with all those years of fighting back against suicide attempts and urges only to avoid the possibility that death might mean disappearing forever. gray remarks (sarcastically) that they have at least one thing in common, then, and they can't wait to see which one of them disappears for it. dupe sets the laptop down and takes a significant pause, and then says that gray may be right, and, if they're lucky, both of them will disappear. they leave the room to avoid absorbing any more influence from proximity to gray.
these comics ALWAYS look better in my head with the pacing and visuals done right, so it's underwhelming to describe it with plain text. oh well. if i had to comment on what integration is now, i'd probably still say i don't like to think about it much. because dissociation is a normal function of the brain to a degree, and dissociation of the personality occurs with everyone insofar that everyone has contradictory beliefs and needs and desires that remain peaceful by voluntarily recalling and dismissing these "parts" depending on context, i'd like to think that would largely be a process of gaining voluntary control over dissociative symptoms such as "switching" and recollection of information during a particular mental state... but it doesn't really feel that way in practice.
at the end of the day, this comic was meant to experiment with the concepts of self-harm to control dissociative symptoms if one part of the dissociative personality adopts the act itself as a personality element, what can cause self-harm to be a positive motivator or pleasurable experience outside of crises, and whether integration is inevitable with time and maturation or not.
Comments
Charlie Mead
the dynamic between gray and Dupe is so interesting... XD there's a lot I could probably say but I will just say I found the first few panels amusing... gray is 'vaguing' about the exact dynamic they have with Dupe as if they won't pick up on it (or possibly knowing they will but feeling unable to directly say 'this is about us') (orrrr also possibly not realizing it's about them and Dupe until after the statement... ORRRR just having an uncontrollable 'thought' that Dupe is able to 'hear' without them intending it).... there's a lot to think about in just those first panels...
